Player in a Suit

by Alex Wolf

  Why would she think that, though? What did she think would happen? That he would openly say, “Look at us! Please fire me immediately,” as he gave administration the finger?

  Did she think they were going to move on in their relationship—get married even? She wasn’t stupid. She had to know that wasn’t a possibility. Surely, she wasn’t that delusional.

  He’d warred with his brain over the decision. If he was honest with himself, he knew he’d thought about it too—contemplated a relationship with her. It was all about sex in the beginning, but now there was another part of the equation. There was another section of his brain that’d fantasized at times about a scenario where they could be more.

  Finally, he managed to close his eyes and forget about her long enough to fall asleep.

  ~

  When he woke the next morning, he quickly reached for his phone to see if there was anything from Kristen. He knew it was stupid to think there might be, but he could hope. What would she say to him? That he was right? That she wasn’t angry with him for doing what was best, and they could be friends?

  It was Saturday, and he’d slept in much later than normal. He blamed it on the whiskey. It had to be true the way his head throbbed. He felt groggy as he grabbed his phone, and he swore under his breath when he saw it was dead.

  Fuck.

  He grabbed his charger and plugged it in before stepping into the shower. He wished there was a way he could erase this whole nightmare.

  By the time Grant got out of the shower, he was much better. He needed to think about his next move. Normally, he fucked Kristen senseless all day on Saturdays, and his brain wouldn’t let him forget.

  He missed her already. They always knew they didn’t have to hide the things they did off campus, but they always planned a way to make it look as though they’d run in to each other on accident—something that could happen to anyone at any time. It was almost like role-playing, and he would miss that. He’d miss the way she’d stare at him, and her eyes would widen in surprise when she laid eyes on him.

  He couldn’t stop thinking about everything.

  But today was different. Today, when he looked at his phone, he wasn’t going to have a text from her. He would return to his life of nothing and no one. A life spent pondering how things would end up for him.

  His stomach continued to tie itself in a knot. He shook his head and poured himself some coffee. He wanted to believe he loved Kristen more than anything, but he told himself he just loved the company. The situation. He loved the way she made him feel. He loved being wanted by a younger woman who was attractive. He loved the things she did for him.

  Under the right circumstances, would he go running toward her, or would he pull away? The phone on the table chimed and pulled Grant out of his thoughts. He’d forgotten he’d left it there to charge. It lit up again. One after the other, almost back-to-back. Rapid-fire text messages.

  “What the fuck?”

  He walked over to the phone.

  Jesus, she finally went off her rocker. Let it go.

  He expected there to be a text begging him to reconsider or apologizing for whatever she did that made him break up with her.

  He yanked the phone up to his face, his irritation growing stronger each time.

  Nothing prepared him for the first message he saw, though.

  “I’m pregnant, asshole.”

  His back hammered into the wall with a loud thud, and he slid all the way down to the floor.

  He stared out at his feet as a wave of emotions rushed through him, all of them at the same time. How could she be pregnant? She was on birth control. He knew it wasn’t a hundred percent effective, but it was pretty damn close. How could this happen to him, again?

  His hands balled into fists, and his face reddened. Was this some ploy, some stupid game, to send him crawling back to her? After all, it would take a while before she started to show.

  Was she capable of lying about something like this?

  He didn’t want to think about the real answer, but it was an absolute yes. She was crazy. It was something he’d loved about her, but at the moment, was something he also hated. She’d gone to the restaurant probably thinking he was going to drop onto a knee and propose to her. Put a ring in the dessert. All that stupid shit had probably gone through her mind, and now he was paying for it.

  He hadn’t told her about his past. If she’d known, he didn’t think she’d be capable of something like this. She’d know how it would hurt him. He had to consider her ignorance on the matter. But it still didn’t make it a less shitty thing to do.

  Maybe she was pregnant, and it wasn’t his. He didn’t think that she’d fucked anyone else, but when you’re in the middle of a crisis, your brain goes to the worst possible places. Anything can be imagined. Was this some kind of trick to get child support out of him? The entire time, had she been setting out to trap him? Maybe the real father was a deadbeat, and she wanted to find someone with a job and something to lose to hold hostage.

  Text after text came through, begging him to call her. He hesitated. It really could be his child, in fact it was highly likely.

  He thought about the trouble he would be in from the school, news stations. They’d be all over this.

  Even after thinking about all of that, there was a part of him that came alive in side. The thought of being a dad. Spending the rest of his life with Kristen, starting a family with her. In a perfect utopia, where people didn’t judge, he could easily imagine that life.

  He didn’t want to stir up more issues between them, but if she was pregnant and he was the father, he had to do what was right. He had to step up and be there for her. At the same time, they had to sweep this news under the rug until school was out, or it would end him professionally.

  Rumors about them having sex were one thing, but there was no way he could hide the fact that he’d gotten her pregnant.

  His breathing became labored as he tapped the screen on his phone, and it felt like the world was suffocating him.

  “Hello?”

  “What do you mean you’re pregnant?” The words came out harsher than intended.

  “Don’t be an asshole.” She sniffled as if she’d spent the morning in tears.

  “Listen. If you’re playing some kind of game to—”

  “Oh, fuck you! You know me better than that.”

  Grant cringed and held the phone away from his ear. His head still throbbed from the gallon of whiskey the night before.

  “Well, you’ve done some pretty crazy shit. How am I supposed to know?”

  “This is real. I wouldn’t make up something like this. How could you even think that? You’re a real piece of shit.”

  Grant thought back to her running to the bathroom at the restaurant.

  Fuck.

  He ducked down when he spoke and covered the receiver, as if there were someone in the room watching. “I thought you were on the fucking pill?”

  “I was.” Her words came through gritted teeth.

  “Then how the fuck did this happen?”

  “Jesus. The pill isn’t a hundred percent. And you put your dick in my pussy and came inside of it. And here we are, genius. You’re a college professor. Surely you know how reproduction works.”

  His jaw set, and he squeezed the phone in his fingers. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I don’t want anything from you. I just thought you should know you have a child growing inside of me before you toss me in the gutter like a piece of trash.”

  Her words stung, and for a brief moment, the letter he received from Mercedes flashed through his brain. He sighed.

  “If it’s true. I want to do what’s right.”

  “We don’t need anything from you. This was a courtesy call. You won’t hear from us again.”

  Grant cringed at her words.

  “Kristen, look—”

  The line went dead in the middle of his sentence.

  It’d been nearly a week since
she’d told him about the baby, and she still couldn’t believe his response. She didn’t know what to do. How could she be responsible for another human being when she could barely get her own shit together?

  Kristen took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. She’d have to. That’s the way it was.

  Her hands moved down to her stomach. There was no way she would give her baby up.

  “It’s just me and you, kid. We’ll figure this out.”

  It was funny, but she hadn’t said anything out loud about Grant in the last week. He was a fucking asshole and hadn’t even come by to check on her or tried to call her again. But she wouldn’t talk bad about her baby’s father. Not now. Not ever.

  They didn’t need him. She would figure it out. At the same time, it felt like her world was falling apart, but the baby gave her hope she could do better, be better.

  Failing her baby wasn’t an option. It hadn’t asked to be brought into the world.

  She hadn’t tricked Grant, no matter what kind of bullshit he’d conjured up in his mind. She’d taken her pill, had checkups. She took all the precautions, other than him coming inside of her, of course. But it’d felt so right in the moment.

  She’d thought about what would happen plenty of times, if she did happen to get pregnant by him. This was the last way she’d envisioned things going.

  It was always a passing thought, though—dismissed as impossible due to his age and her being on birth control.

  In her own little fantasies, she’d thought about different romantic ways to give him the news. Maybe at a nice restaurant, like the one he’d taken her to, or with a card in the place where they’d made their little miracle.

  Each time she pictured the scene, it was full of happiness and love. He’d lift her up and twirl her around, kiss her, and promise to be the best dad in the world.

  Sure, she thought he’d be shocked, and maybe a little concerned. He’d ask questions and what not.

  But she never dreamed he’d react the way he did. Never would she have thought he would blow her off for a week or accuse her of lying and trying to manipulate him.

  The man she’d fallen in love with had completely changed. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he was showing his true colors and really was a self-centered asshole who only thought of himself.

  He hadn’t acted like his usual self as he’d driven her back the night of their date, either. Something was going on with him. Was there something else?

  The old Grant never would have accused her of making up a pregnancy.

  Various thoughts ran through Kristen’s mind, and she wondered how much of it was panic and how much was her seeing the situation more clearly.

  Was he seeing someone else? Did he have multiple girls like her on his arm? Booty calls? Was it another girl in the class? Did he find out something that scared him away from her? Was it Bailey?

  That bitch.

  Maybe she’d gone to him and made threats or scared him away, just to be a dick. She wouldn’t put it past her.

  Perhaps there was something that she’d done that threw him for a loop, but instead of talking to her about it, he decided to break it off completely.

  The pregnancy was making her an emotional basket case. She’d never felt so many emotions rip through her body at once. One minute she’d be fine and the next want to tear someone’s head off. She’d forget things she’d just done or where she’d just put her phone. She’d already spent most of the morning crying, something she never did. The tears started up again and streamed down her cheeks.

  She shoved her hand against her mouth, stifling a sob. It was the best she could do just to sit up in bed, let alone try to eat anything. It was three in the afternoon, and she hadn’t moved in hours.

  Stefani walked in the room. “You all right?” It looked like it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dim light, but once they did, she saw Kristen still lying in bed looking miserable. “You sick?”

  “I need to leave.”

  Stefani stared and then set her purse down and flicked on a light.

  Kristen’s hands shot over her face.

  “Are you crying? What happened?” Stefani ran over to the desk and grabbed the chair, then pulled it up to Kristen’s bed.

  “We broke up.” She didn’t mean to be so dramatic, but she couldn’t stop. She’d thought about an abortion a few times, but there was no way she could ever go through with that. She couldn’t bring herself to get rid of a life she’d created. The baby was still half her, even if it was half of the man who’d broken her heart.

  “I’m so sorry.” Stefani always knew what to say, and how to comfort her, but at the same time, Kristen saw there was almost a flicker of relief in her face. She knew Stefani never approved, but she hadn’t said anything more about it after their conversation a month ago.

  “I loved him s-s-so much.” Kristen sobbed.

  Stefani shook her head, trying to cheer her up. “He’s the last thing you need in your life right now. It’ll get better. I promise. Just focus on school and getting your life together. You don’t need some professor to make you happy.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  Stefani sighed. It was going to be difficult getting through the breakup but even harder without the support of her roommate. She wanted someone to tell her it was okay and that he’d come running back, however stupid that was. She just wanted some assurance everything would work out.

  “I’m pregnant.” Her words came out mumbled.

  Stefani gasped, then quickly schooled her features.

  More silence.

  Finally, she nodded. “Are you sure?”

  “Look at the test.”

  Stefani walked to the bathroom, and then came back in the room. “Did you tell him?”

  “I texted him last week. And he called right back.” Kristen waited for Stefani to say something, but she said nothing. She looked up, and Stefani was looking out the window, her eyes darting back and forth like she was lost in thought. She didn’t ask what Grant had said. Didn’t ask what Kristen was going to do. She just stood there.

  “You must think I’m an idiot. Look at me.”

  Stefani still just stood there, staring. Finally, she spoke again. “I hate him.”

  Stef didn’t look back at her, but for some odd reason, Kristen felt the need to defend Grant.

  “It wasn’t his fault. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve known better.” Kristen put her hands over her eyes, closing out the world.

  Stefani sighed once more.

  She thought Stef was going to call her an idiot. Tell her how stupid she was. Scold her for only blaming herself.

  “Have you eaten anything?”

  Kristen didn’t answer. She didn’t uncover her eyes.

  She heard the sound of the fridge suctioning open and a lid popped off a container.

  “I made macaroni and cheese last night. It’s not the greatest, but you should eat something. The baby needs nutrients.”

  Kristen said nothing. She heard the sound of pasta being scraped into a bowl and buttons on the microwave. Stefani might not have the right words to say, but she was doing her best.

  When the microwave chimed, Kristen sat up in bed, her heart heavy and her eyes red. Stefani was still silent and handed her the bowl on a napkin with a fork. She sat down, and Kristen stabbed the macaroni.

  Stef put a hand on her forearm. “I’m gonna miss you.”

  Kristen didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. She hadn’t realized how close she’d grown to Stefani over the past few months, and now that her decision was made, she knew she’d have to say goodbye. Tears rolled down her cheeks again. She sat the pasta down and jumped out of bed.

  The two girls embraced, and Kristen broke down and didn’t want to let go of her.

  Grant sighed and stared at the wall of his classroom. The students were all taking a test with their heads down. It’d been two weeks since he’d broken up with Kristen, and he hadn’t heard another w
ord.

  She’d made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him, and his class felt strangely empty without her.

  His entire life felt empty without her.

  He knew it’d be best to give her some time, and now that he’d thought about it more, he couldn’t expect her to be back in class so soon. In a way, he was relieved she hadn’t been there. He wouldn’t be able to look at her.

  And the whole time knowing she carried his baby.

  He couldn’t get her pregnancy out of his mind. He felt horrible about what he’d said to her on the phone, and he wished there was a way he could take it back.

  It was ridiculous to accuse her of something like that, but he’d been so caught up in the moment. He needed to wait for her to calm down some more and then step up and handle things once they’d both processed everything for a while.

  If she was going to keep this baby, then he owed it to her to take care of the kid, even if it was from a distance.

  Even that thought crushed him. How could he expect her to bear the burden alone? Money could only do so much. He would want to be in the child’s life. She’d probably want nothing to do with him. In fact, she’d been pretty clear on the matter. But he had rights. He wanted to know his child, and love his child, even if its mother didn’t.

  He’d always thought he’d make a good dad.

  Was she going to drop out of school? It would be a long shot for her to finish college as a single mother with no support, let alone be able to go after her dreams.

  He was a selfish monster who’d put his needs above hers.

  He didn’t have to do what he did. He could have told himself no, should’ve kept her at arm’s length.

  He should’ve poured himself another drink at home instead of yanking her out of that bar. It would have been far better than causing her to hate him and drop of out of school.

  Had it all been horrible, though? It hadn’t all been bad. They’d had so many good times, and he’d been happier than he’d been in a long time. Grant knew he loved her, he just hadn’t had the courage to admit it to himself. At first, it was just raging hormones, but he’d settled in and gotten to know her. He never wanted to be with anyone else after that.