by Bella Jewel
He rolls me towards him and his eyes study my face. “I can’t promise you anything, Mali, but I find myself wanting to be around you.”
“Same here,” I say, studying his face. “And for as long as you’ll have me, Rainer, I’ll stay.”
“Why?” he whispers.
“Because you’re worth it.”
He leans forward and kisses me, and I let him.
He needs to know he’s worth it, even if right now he doesn’t believe it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MALI – THEN
Rainer and I hold hands as the coffin is lowered into the ground. There aren’t many people here. That’s because Rainer’s dad had no one who cared about him. He was a drunk, and a cruel man, and because of that no one wanted to be in his life. So it’s just us, an old, nearly dead priest who is mumbling the words. We scraped money together to get to bury Rainer’s father with respect. Respect he probably doesn’t deserve.
They told us he was in a car accident, that he was drunk and ran off the road. I don’t know how much of it is true, or if there’s more to the story, but it’s all anyone cares about. He was dead broke and left Rainer with nothing but debts piled high. Rainer had to quit school and find a job at a local garage to try and keep the house. I asked him why he was insistent on keeping the place and not selling it, but he just shut me out and said I wouldn’t understand. Maybe I wouldn’t. Everything just went so bad. He had a future, he was going to college, and now he’s got nothing but pain.
As the dirt is thrown over the cheap coffin, I say a silent goodbye. Rainer says nothing; he glares at the grave and then tugs my hand. We walk towards his car, neither of us knowing what to say. It’s a cold day out, and there’s a soft drizzle of rain falling over us. Not enough to soak us, just that frustrating light sprinkle that becomes irritating. We step into the parking lot, and I see four men standing near Rainer’s car.
Rainer stops dead.
“Emy, wait for me here,” he orders, not taking his eyes off them.
“Who are they, Rai?” I whisper.
“They aren’t your concern. Wait here.”
He lets my hand go and walks over to the men. I stare as they all talk amongst themselves. It seems to get heated for a few moments and then Rainer nods and steps back. The men all disappear and I rush over. Something doesn’t seem right about the situation, and I know whatever those men wanted wasn’t good.
“Who were they?” I ask as Rainer opens the car door for me.
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
“Rai, I’m not stupid. Who are they?”
He sighs. “My dad had debts. I have to pay them off.”
I shake my head, confused. “Debts? What kind of debts?”
“That doesn’t matter. You just need to know I’m working on it. It’ll be fine.”
“Rainer . . .”
His eyes flash to me. “Get in the car, Emy.”
“Rainer please . . .”
“Now,” he barks.
Dropping my head, I slide into the car.
How did things go from so wonderful to so bad so quickly?
~*~*~*~
I haven’t seen Rainer for an entire week. He’s been missing in action. I waited at his house for a few days after school, but each day nothing changed. He isn’t there, and that scares me. Rainer is into something bad, I can feel it in my bones. He said his dad had debts, and I worry about how he’s repaying them. I have a bad feeling it’s by illegal means.
Today is day eight, and I decide to break in. I’ve been peering through the windows, but today I’m going to enter.
I use some of my dad’s tools and bust the side window, the one that was always broken. I climb through it and into the dark, damp-smelling space. No one is here, and I’m certain now that they haven’t been. My heart aches with fear. What if something has happened to Rainer and he’s in danger?
What if it’s worse?
Tears well in my eyes as I flick on some lights and start rummaging through drawers, trying to find clues. I find a few bills, and some messily written numbers, but nothing that means anything or makes any sense. I rush up to Rainer’s room and swing the door open. His bed is unmade and there are clothes scattered across the floor. I walk in and start searching through his things, too, trying to find answers.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emy?”
I jerk upright with a scream, dropping the items I had in my hands, and spin around to see Rainer at the door. He’s glaring at me, and he looks super pissed. He also looks as if he’s been living in a dump the past week. His hair is a mess, his clothes are grubby, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are red-rimmed and sunken, and he’s got light bruises on his cheeks.
“I was trying to find a way to find you,” I say, straightening. “Where the hell have you been, Rainer?”
He crosses his big arms. “None of your fucking business.”
“I’m your friend!” I yell. “It is my business.”
“It’s not,” he roars. “Do yourself a favor and stay out of my shit. Go to school, enjoy your life, and leave me to mine.”
I swallow the pain that rises up in my chest at his words. “Are you seriously going to push me away?” I whisper. “Jesus, Rainer. I thought we meant more to each other . . .”
He steps into the room and storms past me, lifting his shirt and tossing it off. “We kissed a couple of times. It meant nothing.”
It’s as if someone has slapped me in the face. I thought it meant a whole lot more than nothing, even to him.
“You don’t mean that...”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “I do. You need to move on with your life.”
“Rainer,” I whisper. “You’re my friend.”
“Yeah, and shit has happened and my life isn’t the same anymore. You need to accept that. You don’t need to ruin yours. Now, can you leave? I’m busy.”
“Rainer,” I croak, my voice thick with emotion.
“Night, Mali,” he mutters, stepping into the bathroom and slamming the door.
I let out a sob, and wrap my arms around myself.
Then I leave.
~*~*~*~
I can’t sleep that night.
I don’t know what the hell is going on in Rainer’s world, but I know it isn’t good. Whatever has happened has him changing before my eyes. I know he’s feeling the loss of his dad, even though he won’t admit it. He’s hurting, and he’s alone in the world. He has no siblings and no one to lean on. Which is exactly why I don’t want him to push me away. I’m the only family Rainer has left and I’m tired of it. I need him to know exactly how I feel, no matter the cost.
I roll over and take my phone, finding his number and punching it in. Then I send a text. It’s not the way I wanted to do this, but I don’t know that he’ll take it any other way. I love Rainer, I didn’t realize it until last week, but there it is. I don’t want him hurting. I don’t want his heart breaking. I want him to know he isn’t alone.
Emalie: You’re trying to push me away, and I get that. Right now, Rai Rai, you have no one else left in your world and that must feel like your soul is being ripped out. I don’t know what is going on and if you don’t want to tell me, that’s your choice, but I need you to know a few things.
I love you, Rainer Torrence. More than I should. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner, but there it is. I need you to know that, not because I want you to sweep me off my feet, but because you need to understand that while you might not have anyone in your world, in my world, you’re everything. I’ll always be here.
I place the phone down and roll to my side, letting my tears fall hard and fast until they soak my pillow. I sob and tremble, unable to stop it. I’m devastated for him and I feel helpless, as if I can’t help him, no matter what I do. He’s in pain, and he is shutting me out. Life without Rainer terrifies me, and I don’t know what I’ll do if he decides he just can’t have me in his world anymore.
I’m still sobbing har
d, so I don’t hear the window slide up. I don’t hear the footsteps across my floor. I only realize he’s in my room when my blankets are pulled back, and a big hard body slides in beside mine. I don’t stiffen, or freak out, because I know it’s him. He’s the only person who would come into my room and climb into my bed.
I keep crying. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, tucking my body into his. We lie like that for a long time, long enough for me to stop sobbing. He keeps his arms around me, so tight, so secure, and every now and then he nuzzles his face into my hair. I lace my fingers through his and just hang onto him, needing to feel him every second he’s giving me.
“I love you, too, Emalie,” he murmurs against my hair. “Have since the day you came into my life.”
My eyes open, and my heart starts pounding. “You do?”
“Yeah. I thought it was just normal friendship-love, until I kissed you that first time. Then I realized it’s so much more. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I was a cunt earlier. I’m . . . I need you to be safe right now.”
“Rainer, you’re scaring me,” I say, rolling so we’re facing each other.
“Yeah, I know that, kid, but can you trust that I know what I’m doing?”
“Are you going to get hurt?”
He goes silent.
“Rainer,” I whisper, my voice shaky.
“I’ll try as hard as I can not to, I promise you that.”
“How long are things going to be like this?”
“Not much longer.”
I shuffle forward and press my forehead against his. I can feel his hot breath against my mouth and my body breaks out into a thousand tiny prickles. He moves forward and his bottom lip grazes mine. God. He smells amazing and I want him. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to be with him. I couldn’t want anything more in my life.
“Rainer?” I murmur against his lips.
“Yeah, kid?”
“You asked me to promise that I’d save myself for the right person—that I’d hang onto it until I knew it was right. It’s right, Rainer . . . with you, it’s right. I want it to be you.”
He doesn’t say anything for so long I wonder if he heard me, or maybe he doesn’t know how to respond.
“Emalie,” he says in a hoarse tone. “You need to be sure . . .”
“I’m sure. You’ve been my friend a long time, and I don’t know what this is growing between us, but I know I trust you more than anyone.”
“I don’t want you to regret this.”
“I’d never regret you.”
“You’re not eighteen yet . . .”
“And we’re not doing anything wrong, Rainer.”
He sighs and brings his lips back to mine, kissing me softly. It seems as if that’s all he’s going to do, and I wonder if he just doesn’t want it. His mouth is soft against mine, and his tongue is gently stroking, but I want more. I want him to touch me. I want to feel everything. I reach for his hand and press it against my breast and he groans.
“Emalie . . .”
“Please, Rainer . . .”
“I can’t promise you that it’ll be any more than this, and you deserve so much more. I fucking love you, I will for the rest of my life, but I don’t know that it’ll ever be more than that.”
“I don’t care. I only care about right here and right now.”
“Baby,” he murmurs.
“Please, Rainer, I want it to be you.”
He crushes his lips against mine again and I’m guessing that’s his answer. Thank God. I want nothing more. I reach up and curl my fingers into his thick, lush hair. He groans and our tongues dance in a frantic yet sensual pace as our bodies press closer together. There was a good, long time when I’d never have thought about being in this position with Rainer, but now I’m here I wonder why I never thought about it sooner.
Rainer rolls me gently to my back and brings his body over mine, kissing a path down my jaw. I close my eyes, loving every single second. He makes light work of my clothes and if it wasn’t for the dark, I’d be covering myself with shame. What if I’m not what he likes? Are my breasts big enough? Do I have too much curve, or not enough? Rainer’s hands find my shoulders, and slowly he starts dragging them down my skin.
“You’re fucking beautiful, Emalie,” he rasps, reaching my breasts and gently cupping them.
“You really think so?” I breathe.
“Fuck yeah, I do.”
I smile shakily but it’s cut off quickly with a gasp when Rainer starts rolling his fingers over my nipples. Oh gosh. Nothing has ever felt so amazing in my entire life.
“Rainer,” I gasp.
“You’re beautiful here.”
He does this until my body is arching up into his, then he slowly continues his path down my body. I can feel his erection pressing against my thighs as he trails kisses down my belly. My skin is alive and alert, fully aware of him. Every touch, every kiss—it’s as if my body knows who is delivering it. My entire world comes to a stand still when he reaches my most private place.
“Rainer,” I breathe, squirming beneath him.
“Fuck. You smell amazing.”
His fingers slide out and graze over my flesh, making my entire body jerk to life. Pleasure unlike anything I could have ever imagined builds as he strokes and taunts my sex, encouraging me, teasing me, taunting my body, preparing me for him. When his mouth closes over mine, warmth explodes in my body. I can hear my whimpers of pleasure, but I don’t even try to stop them.
Rainer works my body like that until I’m shuddering with my first ever orgasm. I’ve never felt something so amazing in my life—I want it over and over again. He sits back and strips his clothes, then moves his big body up mine, and his skin is soft and warm. His body is so hard, so built, and so masculine. My fingers slide over his arms, his back, and stop at his neck where I pull him down to kiss me as he positions his body between my legs.
I feel him there, hot and ready, and fear swells in my chest. Will this hurt? If so, will it last a long time? Will it be over quick? Will I enjoy it?
Rainer must notice my panic, because he stops the soft sucking on my neck and he cups my face in his hands. “You doin’ okay, sweetheart?”
“Y-y-y-yeah. I’m nervous, Rai.”
“Don’t be. I won’t hurt you.”
“You might not get to decide that.”
He presses his forehead to mine. “Then I’ll do everything I can not to hurt you.”
“Okay.”
“Do you trust me?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
He kisses my lips softly, then he shifts, taking his jeans into his hand and pulling out a condom. I swallow and start to tremble as he tears the packet open and puts it on. My heart is pounding when he brings himself over me again. I don’t know how this is going to feel. I want it to be incredible, but I know it rarely ever works like that.
“Relax, Emy,” he murmurs, meeting my eyes. “You need to relax for me.”
“I’m scared.”
He strokes a piece of hair from my face. “I’d never hurt you. If it’s awful, I’ll stop, immediately.”
I nod, and he brings his lips to mine softly as he gently spreads my legs apart farther. He presses his erection to my entrance, and I shudder at the pressure. Gently, he pushes forward. At first, it doesn’t seem too awful, but then he pops past something and pain explodes in my body. “Rainer,” I cry out, pressing my hands over my face.
“Jesus, sorry,” he says, stopping as he promised he would.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper between shaky sobs. “I didn’t realize it would hurt so much.”
“I’ve got an idea. Hang on.”
He pulls back a little and reaches down between us, placing a finger over that aching nub. He rotates gently and pleasure shoots through my core. I close my eyes, forgetting the pain and focusing only on the pleasure. He keeps doing that, and at the same time, he pushes himself inside me. It’s uncomfortable, but so much less when he’s
doing that.
“Rainer,” I gasp when he slides into me, right into me.
“God, Emy, you feel so fucking amazing.”
“I . . .” My body arches up as he rubs a little harder. “Oh God.”
I explode around him and while I’m doing that, he starts thrusting. I’m wet and ready for him, so his thrusts glide in and out with ease. A gasp escapes my throat at the feeling of fullness I experience, but that quickly subsides into a slight tingle of pleasure. It’s not enough to take me over the edge, but it’s pleasant, and that’s good for my first time.
What I focus mostly on, is Rainer. His big body moves over mine like a graceful lion. His sleek muscles pull and flex as he shifts. He works his hips slowly, not pushing too hard, not going too fast. I reach up and cup his face, and we kiss during each beautiful thrust. He groans against my mouth and I shiver, knowing that my body is making him feel good right now. That’s amazing.
“Rainer,” I breathe against his mouth. “Does it feel good?”
“God, yes, baby,” he pants. “Amazing.”
He picks up the pace a little and his fingers tangle in my hair. He crushes his lips down over mine again, and this time his body shudders to a stop and his lips part against mine on a ragged gasp, and I know, I just know, he’s coming. For me. In me. My body warms and my heart swells with pride and happiness. As he slumps down over me, kissing my neck and stroking my hair, I know . . . I know I’ve finally found it.
My happy place.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
NOW – MALI
“Rainer,” I gasp, slapping my hand against the bricks over and over as he drives into me.
We’re out the back of his bar, in the dark, and he’s got me pressed against the wall. My front is facing it, and he’s fucking me from behind, his big body molded against mine, his cock driving in and out of my flesh. He feels incredible, so damned incredible. I’ve come once already, but tonight he’s insatiable. He doesn’t want to stop, and I don’t want him to. He’s holding back, pulling orgasm after orgasm out of me.
He’s meant to be working, but that stopped as soon as I walked in the bar. Our eyes met, and before I knew what was happening, he was dragging me out the back, hot lips smashed against mine, big hands jerking my dress up. I’ve never been fucked so thoroughly in my life, and I can’t get enough. I want more—I want it all and then some.