The Art of Mentoring

by Shirley Peddy

  “What else do we need to talk about?” said Stuart, changing the subject. “I’m ready to get back to Rachel’s big decoration project.” I let that pass. This was not the moment to have it out with him.

  I polled the group. No one wanted to continue discussing what had happened in the meeting. Things quieted down considerably after that. Judy suggested, and the group agreed, that everyone would meet with Marie from the Frame Shop on Monday. Those who wanted to shop somewhere else over the weekend could do that. If anyone wanted to go to the Frame Shop and select pictures over the weekend, that would be fine too.

  Following the meeting, I went back to my office. “Rachel, could I talk to you?” It was a very subdued Katy.

  “Come on in,” I said, “and close the door, if you like.”

  Katy Gets the Message

  She stepped inside, and I saw the beginnings of tears pooling in her eyes. “Look, I blew it today and I know it.”

  “Sit down and let’s talk about it,” I said coming around my desk and sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs. She sat in the other and for a few moments said nothing. I did not break the silence because I hoped that Katy was thinking about the impact of her actions today, and I wanted to do nothing to reduce the value of her insights.

  Usually so articulate, she was struggling for the right words. “I made a fool of myself. Everyone was talking at once and I wanted, I wanted to...” She reached into her pocket for a tissue.

  I resisted responding, but I leaned forward in my chair to show her I was listening.

  She dabbed at her eyes. “I wanted them to listen, but it came out all wrong. I sounded like a junior high school teacher shushing a bunch of misbehaving kids. I knew it the minute I looked at their faces. I really offended Alicia, and Justin looked like he wanted to go back to Human Resources. What a mess! Now everyone thinks I’m out of control. Even Tom, Mr. Nice Guy, said I was wrong. I had a big falling out with Alicia a few days ago, Rachel, and I mishandled that too—just like the Super Health situation with Frank Manchester. I don’t think she has any respect for me anymore, and I don’t blame her. What am I going to do?” A fresh supply of tears filled her eyes.

  I waited for a moment because I wanted her to say everything she needed to say. This was a very important moment for Katy, much more significant than if Alicia had given her private feedback. There was a message for her, and I was sure she received it.

  Straight Talk with Katy

  “I’m not going to give you a bunch of platitudes,” I said finally, “but I want to help. This isn’t the end of the world or of your reputation either. You’re good, Katy. You’ve got all the makings of a superstar. Today, as you said, you blew it. So now, you’ve got an opportunity, and I have a hunch you’ll handle that like a superstar.”

  “I guess I should apologize to everyone, is that it?”

  “I don’t think it would hurt. At the same time, you’ve learned something about the skills you need to acquire in order to deal with conflict more effectively. The important question is, how can you acquire or strengthen these skills?”

  “I guess I could use some training, don’t you think so, Rachel?”

  “It seems to me, it would be helpful to sign up for training. You’d have the opportunity to practice, do some role plays, and get feedback.”

  “But right now, what do you think are the most important things for me to learn? I liked what you told me about apologizing. I just wish I didn’t have to use it so often. Are there some rules about conflict that would help me?”

  “I’ve tried to learn from my own experience, Katy. I used to ‘fIy off the handle’ when I was faced with conflict situations. In fact, in the early part of my career, I spent a good bit of time explaining ‘what I really meant’ and apologizing for things I wish I hadn’t said. (Elroy Grant used to call that ‘tap dancing backwards.’) One day, like you, I decided there must be an easier way to handle things. My insight came as a result of a meeting where I argued my way to success, or so I thought, until Elroy opened my eyes. He said the next time people would be on their guard with me. But when I changed my style, I learned that mistakes aren’t fatal. They’re just wake up calls. So here’s a few ideas that have helped me both in business and in my personal life. Some I’ve learned from experience, mine and that of others. Some I’ve learned through training.

  Handling Conflict Situations

  “Conflict is very natural. It occurs when someone else’s values, beliefs, interests, or opinions stand in the way of what I need or want. Putting it that way helps me look at the situation rationally instead of from the perspective of my feelings. I’ve learned that whenever I tie things up with my feelings, I lose my objectivity and my edge when it comes to problem-solving.”

  “I guess I wasn’t feeling too objective in there,” said Katy.

  “Probably not. What helps me is that before I get involved in any conflict situation, I ask myself three questions:

  “Does it really matter? I don’t know about you, Katy, but I’ve seen people work themselves into a frenzy over the smallest, most unimportant things. They say during the Christmas season, for example, people become ruder, more aggressive, and more likely to take it out on others just because they have to stand in line a few minutes more than usual or wait for an extra light at intersections. Think of the energy and good spirits wasted on these minor annoyances.” She nodded waiting for me to continue.

  “Is it worthy of me? Arguing about who is right in most instances isn’t productive and usually doesn’t make much difference. In the end, that’s not the me that I’m trying to project, and finally,

  “Will this achieve the best outcome? Suppose I’m angry, I call and I tell you what I think. The question is, what have I gained? Probably, you won’t forget what I said, even when we finally get the matter resolved. Someone once told me you can tell how wise a person is by his attitude toward time. A foolish person makes decisions based on how he feels today. A wise person asks himself, how will this affect eternity?”

  “I guess I didn’t gain much in the meeting. And now everyone will remember what happened.”

  “That’s true. However, the most important thing isn’t what happened but what you take away from it. I don’t want you to think for a moment that I go through this process perfectly every time. Sometimes, I get angry before I really think things through. What I am describing are my aspirations.”

  “I can understand that, Rachel. I mean, it’s a rational way of looking at things, but sometimes I just feel the anger or frustration welling up in me.”

  “Of course, you do. So do I. The question isn’t how you feel, but rather what you do about it. That’s what counts. If you find yourself feeling angry a lot, it helps to go back and see what triggers those feelings. Is it frustration? Is it stress? Is it needing to be right? Do you get annoyed when people waste your time or disagree with you? When you find yourself in one of these situations, it helps to make a few notes so you can look for patterns. Once you become conscious of the triggers, you can manage your response by changing the way you think about these things. That’s called reframing.

  “Another thing that works for me,” I continued, “is to compare the situation on a scale of one to ten to something that is really horrible. Then I can dismiss what’s going on by realizing how small it is in relation to things that count. These strategies work, and they are easy to do; the key is awareness. So, that’s why it’s important to understand where your greatest challenges lie. For me, it’s dealing with people who are arrogant or sarcastic. When I see someone with an attitude I think of as destructive, I want to lash out, but isn’t that being judgmental and arrogant too? You see, I’ve learned that getting angry often produces the opposite effect of what I’m trying to achieve.”

  “Me too, but it’s not attitude that gets to me. In the case of Super Health, I was frustrated by their inept way of handling things. I felt that I shouldn’t have to waste my time dealing with their lack of efficiency. Wi
th Alicia, I just thought she should have talked to me if she had a problem with what I did. I guess at the meeting today, I was frustrated. They were acting like a bunch of whiny school kids.”

  “Maybe people were reacting to being pushed,” I said. “This whole ‘wall thing’ has been fraught with emotion from the beginning, and today was an expression of it. I thought it was pretty healthy, but it must have felt uncomfortable from where you were.”

  “I wish I had your insight,” said Katy.

  “Don’t put too much relevance on the fact that I see this situation logically,” I told her. “After all, it’s easier for me because I’m not emotionally involved in it. Just remember, in most situations there’s more than one way to arrive at a good answer. I try to remember this when someone has a different idea on how to handle things. If I want others to listen to me, I first must be willing to hear what they think, without interrupting, being defensive or arguing.”

  “I guess I can get pretty defensive sometimes,” said Katy.

  “I think you do, sometimes. It helps to be aware of it, and, if you want to do something about it, there’s some good resources you can use. One source book for discourse is Ben Franklin’s Autobiography. In it he says he made a practice of avoiding dogmatic language. He pointed out that by doing so, he found others more willing to hear his views, and he also felt it was easier to back down if he was wrong.”

  “I suppose I should read that book. But what did he mean by dogmatic language?”

  “He was talking about assertions like ‘I know,’ ‘I’m certain,’ ‘I’m right,’ and ‘you’re wrong.’ Instead, he substituted softeners like ‘It seems to me,’ ‘In my opinion,’ and ‘I think at this time.’ Franklin was one of the great diplomats of all time, and if he made that a rule, it means he fell short of it from time to time himself. See, Katy, you and I are in good company.”

  Katy smiled. “But aren’t there people you have personality conflicts with? I mean, everyone likes some people better than others. And I find some people almost annoying. Do you know what I mean?”

  “For sure. But, Katy, this is business. If someone wanted to spend a million dollars with us, wouldn’t you overlook those annoyances?” She nodded.

  “If you can do that, then you can overlook the minor annoyances you might have with co-workers. So often, the behavior of others is a mirror of our attitude toward them. What helps me is to decide, for my own peace of mind, that everyone is doing the best he can. I’ve found that when I treat someone like a million dollar customer, he tends to treat me better as well. It also turns out that I feel better. The funny part of personality conflicts is they rob us of energy. When it comes to problems, personality or otherwise, I go back to those first three questions: Does it matter? Is it worthy of me? And what will the outcome be?”

  “Maybe so...I guess you’re right, but I can’t always help the way I feel.”

  The Fallacy of Focusing on Feelings

  “I know. Neither can I. At the same time, Katy, what I’ve found, at least in my own case is, it’s best not to focus on how I feel. What I do is far more important. If I worry about what’s going on with the other person, I’m literally working ‘the wrong side of the street.’ I remember years ago that I had a conflict with a co-worker. Her office was three doors down the hall, but you would have thought we were miles away from one another. She used to write me long memos criticizing my part of a brochure that we were supposed to be working on together. I don’t know how much energy I wasted fuming about that.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “Instead of confronting her, I complained to my boss. Needless to say, he didn’t want to hear about it. He said he had his share of problems and told me he had great confidence in my ability to solve my own. He also gave me a piece of advice which I follow to this day. He said, ‘Rachel, forget about who’s right or wrong. It’s important to know that when you come to me and complain about someone else, it makes you look weak. If you can’t resolve a simple personal problem, how can I ask you to work on larger, more complex issues?”

  Handling “Sabotage”

  “I never thought about that, Rachel. But what if the person is sabotaging you?”

  “Sabotaging?”

  “Suppose someone goes behind your back and talks about you to someone else, and you find out about it? What should you do?”

  “It depends on the situation. I mean, even if we think someone is sabotaging us, the best way to deal with it is to be straightforward. Otherwise, these concerns become a distraction. Decide on the outcome you want and work from there. Understand this, there’s no way we can control anyone but ourselves. What we think and how we act are always up to us. Would taking action help? If so, tell that person what you’ve heard. By confronting the person, you do two things: put her on notice that you are aware of the problem and give her a chance to respond. Expect a defensive reaction and a denial. Then cut through the defensiveness by saying, ‘I’d like to work things out because I’m very interested in our having a good working relationship.’ Find out how the other person feels about that. Look for areas of agreement. Then you can problem solve. We can change our mental state by focusing on a good resolution and by leaving the judging side to someone else. You don’t have to like everyone. The most important thing is to approach the other person in an open, courteous and rational way. And be careful, Katy, when you apply terms like sabotage, you’ve already injected an emotional component, and that may not be in your best interests.”

  “One more question, Rachel. What if, in spite of all the things you try, things still don’t get better? Then what do you do?”

  “That’s when you bring in a third party, someone with experience in helping people resolve sticky situations.”

  “Someone like you, I’ll bet.”

  “Thanks for saying that. Yes, someone like me. It’s a good strategy when you’ve reached an impasse. Someone who is objective can generally set some boundaries and help both parties talk about their needs and wants. That’s probably more advice than you can use right now, Katy. It’s a subject I like to talk about, and I hope I haven’t overdone it.”

  “It’s good advice, Rachel, and I’m going to think about everything you said. I feel better already. I think I’m going to talk to Alicia in the next day or so. Right now, I’m not ready, but when I am, I hope she will be willing to listen.”

  “Do you think it might help if you checked with her as to when would be a good time?”

  “I think it would. She’s always so busy. And she does so much for all of us.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt to tell her so. And Katy, any time I can help you or you just want to talk, my door is open. I meant it when I said you’ve got the makings of a superstar. Next week I’d like to carve out some time to consider how best to assure that happens here at TYH.”

  “I’d like that,” Katy said softly. She went to the door, opened it and turned back toward me. “I almost forgot to tell you, I goofed today, and I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

  “You’ve already done it.”

  “Then, thank you for your help.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  To: egrant@pwe.net

  From: Rachel@pwe.net

  Today’s meeting might have worked a minor miracle. A small bloodletting based on pent-up frustrations about autocratic management. Katy “got it” in more ways than one. Acting as self-anointed leader, she finally heard some direct, on-the-spot feedback. Afterwards, we talked. I really feel positive about her willingness to learn from what happened. Group moving toward more self-direction. Stay tuned.

  Rachel

  To: Rachel@pwe.net

  From: egrant@pwe.net

  Great news! Sounds like you’re on track. Let’s try to keep Ms. Stanford graduate on the payroll. She sounds like a future asset to me. Did I miss something? I saw no mention of your talk with Kennedy. On the agenda for next week? Have a great weekend.

  Elroy

&n
bsp; Responding vs. Reacting

  I knew I needed to talk with Stuart and soon. We both stood to profit from a better working relationship, even in the short term, but it was a difficult situation, and I was avoiding it. What I needed to resolve was how to get through the barriers of his cynicism and my reaction to it. I reminded myself that in a conflict situation, it is extremely important to respond rather than react. When I respond, I am powerful because I have engaged my rational, thinking self. When I react, I am weakened because I’m focusing on my emotions.

  What I needed to remember was that feeling a strong need to react is always a red flag. It tells me I need to disengage immediately. (The way I do this is to change my perspective physically by moving away or looking somewhere else, or emotionally by pausing and taking a few deep breaths.)

  I also know that my body language reveals what I’m thinking, so I need to make sure it doesn’t conflict with the message I’m trying to send.

  Body language! Tom had told me my shoulders were up to my ears the last time I met with Stuart. I wonder what my face had revealed. I would do better next time, and I would meet with him soon.

  But that night, when I finally went to sleep, my concerns persisted. I dreamed I was running in a dark alley. There was a shadowy figure of a man, and I was chasing him. He was only a few feet ahead of me, but the ground was rocky, and I couldn’t increase my pace because I didn’t want to fall. I looked behind me and there was a big grizzly bear nipping at my heels.

  Saturday morning was filled with expectation. Shortly after ten I got a call from security, and minutes later Paul was at the door. “Coffee on?” he asked holding up a bag of bagels he had bought at the airport. We spoke briefly about our adult child. Paul said he was fine and that he was glad he’d be gainfully employed, if only for a month or two. Both of us realized that slicing tomatoes and serving fries did not represent our best hopes for Brad’s future. It was a major surprise that he hadn’t seen it himself.