The Art of Mentoring

by Shirley Peddy

  After I asserted my parental prerogative and promised to keep the talk to one hour (or less), Brad agreed to sandwich me in Saturday at four between his tennis game and the evening’s entertainment. My son had a busy schedule.

  CHAPTER 13

  The Art of Being

  Mentored

  It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

  John Wooden

  It was just a few minutes after four when Brad and I settled on the porch swing for our mother-son discussion. Paul was reading a book in the living room, and I preferred not to disturb him. He had offered to join us, but I had reluctantly said “not this time.” While I would have appreciated his moral support, I didn’t want Brad to feel as if we were ganging up on him. One parent is formidable. Two constitutes an army.

  The sun was shining, but there were rain clouds gathering in the sky signaling that our talk could be interrupted at any time. I decided to get right to the point. “Brad, I know your dad suggested that you think about someone you know who might offer you….”

  Brad interrupted. “Advice? A mentor? Yes, Dad mentioned it. Mom, mentors are for people who have careers. I don’t see why I need one now.”

  When We Need Mentors

  “Mentors can help you with your career, but they are equally helpful in a number of other contexts as well—for students, professionals, young, old. It doesn’t matter what part of your life you are in. It always helps to have someone you can talk to, someone who is not partisan, someone with the wisdom and experience to help you explore the situation and consider options realistically.

  “That is especially important for you now. You’re trying to decide whether to go back to school or pursue a career in the food business. (Inwardly I shuddered at using the word career to describe what Brad had been doing.) You’ve heard what your dad and I think, but we’re parents. We know what we want for you. Now, wouldn’t it be helpful to discuss some ideas with someone who is far more objective than we are?”

  “I talk to Pete all the time.”

  “I know you do. But a mentor is different because he will have had more life experiences than Pete or any of your other close friends—and definitely a different perspective. I have found when I’m very close to a situation, it’s good to seek the wise counsel of someone who has made the right decisions himself and might help me think through mine.”

  Brad nodded, seeming to take this in. “So, once I’ve decided what I want to do, then I don’t need a mentor anymore—at least not until I get to another place where I’m not sure?”

  “What I’m thinking of is a relationship. It’s true that a person who is not mentoring you might provide a significant insight or useful feedback. I call those instances mentoring moments, but a mentoring relationship is different.”

  Brad looked confused. “How? I mean aren’t you mentoring me now?”

  “No, I don’t call this mentoring. I’m just being your mother, and I want the best for you. Mentoring has a quality of objectivity to it. I’m definitely not objective when it comes to you. I’m thinking of someone who has no claim on you and no stake in the outcome of your decisions.”

  “Okay, so I just pick someone and say, ‘I’m here, and I’m ready to learn. How about being my mentor?’ ”

  I laughed. “Please don’t. First of all, there are all kinds of mentoring relationships, formal and informal. Sometimes a mentor is assigned by an institution or company. Other times, we find our own. The point I’m making is that it’s important to choose the right person—and the only way to do that is to know what you are looking for.”

  Setting Learning Goals

  “Brad, you know how important your health is. You wouldn’t go to a doctor and say, ‘I’m here. What can you do for me?’ Any doctor would ask, ‘How are you feeling? Is something wrong? Where does it hurt?’ Then he or she would review your medical history, do some testing, and generally seek to find out what is happening in your life prior to prescribing any solutions. So, in a sense, being mentored requires you to do a self-examination. If you don’t know what is going on in your life and what you are looking for, how can you find the right ‘doctor’? And even after you find a ‘doctor,’ how will he or she know what you need if you don’t know?”

  “The problem is I really don’t know for sure, Mom. Sometimes I think I’d like to work my way up in the restaurant business. Other times I wonder if I should take another year off and bicycle around Europe. Then I think I should go back to school. But if I did that, I don’t know what I would want to study—and it all seems so confusing.”

  “Then perhaps your first goal is to consider what you really want. Instead of focusing on a specific job, think about what might give you the greatest satisfaction and the opportunity to make the greatest contribution.”

  “Contribution?”

  “Brad, we all have an obligation to make the world a better place in some way.”

  “Okay, Mom, but what if I’m not really ready to decide?”

  “Then work on self-development. There are many areas you could choose to work on before making a career or college decision—planning, time management, goal setting—so many, in fact, I can’t name them all. Any and all of these would contribute to your future success.”

  “Couldn’t I do that by going to a workshop—like some that you teach, when you’re here?”

  I smiled. My son sounded just a bit wistful, and I felt a tug at my heart. I missed him and Paul. It was challenging to be a wife and mother from a distance. “A workshop is great, but after that, being around someone who uses those skills to make a difference would help. Learning something is important. Applying it is just as important.”

  He sighed. “Mom, I know you must think I’m making excuses. It’s just that I don’t want to make the wrong choice.”

  He was right. That’s just what I had been thinking. Perhaps I was being unfair. “Brad,” I said, putting my hand on his, “everyone goes into overload sometimes.”

  “Everyone?”

  “Yes, even Dad and I do ñ but rather than remain stuck, it’s far better to find something or somebody who will help you move in the right direction. At least you recognize you aren’t there yet. Some people don’t know that. They have the mistaken idea that once they’ve completed school (whether it’s high school, college or a training program), there’s little left to learn.

  “Let’s take the people I’m working with at TYH, for example. Katy is brilliant, but she won’t move up in the company unless she improves her interpersonal skills. Alicia works hard, but her work habits are leading toward burn out. Stuart has a cynical attitude that turns people off. If it continues, no one will want to help him achieve his goals—and believe me, Son, none of us makes it on our own. As for Tom, he needs to wake up to the fact that five years of coasting toward retirement is not a very fulfilling way to live. Each of them needs encouragement to look at his or her situation realistically. Learning is something you do over a lifetime. Self-diagnosis is a good start.”

  “I get what you mean.” He looked at his watch.

  That was an obvious hint, but for the moment I chose to let it pass. I was sure that much of what I was saying now might not be fully heard, but hopefully later, as he thought about these ideas, he would find one or two that applied. “The areas you might want to take up with a mentor don’t have to be weaknesses. Rather, you might want to focus on learning more about a specific area and pick a mentor who excels in it.”

  “So, if I get the job at the Rainbow Inn, I could hook up with someone who is successful there.” He obviously liked that idea.

  “Right. You might find someone there who can mentor you about how things work in that restaurant and someone else who could provide insights into another area of development that interests you. The important thing is to set some learning goals so you’ll make the right mentoring choices. Make sense?”

  “Yes, but why should anyone want to mentor me? I mean what does that person get out of it
?”

  Reciprocity: Taking Advantage Without Taking Advantage

  “That’s a good question. Perhaps the reason that so many people don’t find mentors or choose someone who knows only marginally more than they do is because they can’t see why someone who is very successful might want to mentor them. The truth is that mentoring relationships need to be mutually satisfying. We know what the person being mentored gets out of it, but what about the mentor? He has an opportunity to share what he knows and have another person asking for more. What could be a greater compliment! Most people who are being mentored are good listeners because of the obvious benefits. Listening is a key skill of both the mentor and mentee. In fact, without it, the whole activity is a waste of time.

  “Then there are subtle ways that you can reward your mentor. Showing appreciation, sharing things that you know, giving feedback, being mindful of his time are just a few of them. It’s important that the mentor knows what progress you have made. That is very motivating. A one-way relationship tends to be draining and short-lived. There is a great internal satisfaction to mentoring—just as there is to teaching, parenting, and coaching. Frankly, Brad, I believe that the mentor benefits as much or more than the mentee. Perhaps that is why mentoring has been the way we’ve passed down knowledge from one generation to the next since the beginning of time.”

  I looked at Brad. Obviously the word time had reminded him of his other commitments, or perhaps it is natural for children to subtly let us know when they are ready to stop listening. I had so much more I wanted to tell him, but I sensed we were finished, for now. So, I hugged my prisoner and paroled him to his other, more pressing, commitments.

  “I was thinking of sending in reinforcements.” That was Paul, looking up from his book as I re-entered the house. “How did it go?”

  “Only time will tell. I think he stopped listening before I finished talking.”

  “Maybe you can put your thoughts on paper for him to read at the right moment,” Paul suggested.

  That’s when the idea for the letter came. And that’s how I spent that Sunday afternoon on the flight home and then later in my quiet apartment.

  Dear Brad,

  Thank you for being such a good listener. I wanted to continue our conversation about mentoring since there was much we did not cover. I hope you are reading this out of interest and not just out of duty. That’s why I sent this letter to your dad. I know he’ll give it to you at the right time.

  Establishing a Mentoring Relationship

  I recall one of the questions you asked had to do with starting a relationship. Here are my thoughts on this. First, don’t limit the possible choices to one person. There are probably several people who could mentor you in a specific area. With your learning goals in mind, consider what you and the other person might have in common.

  Whether you choose your mentor, your mentor chooses you, or your mentor is appointed, it’s important to establish a positive one-on-one relationship. First, find something you share, something you can talk about. That will help both people be more comfortable. Now as hard as it is to believe, we share common interests with almost everyone. The secret is to identify those interests and create opportunities to explore them. If your potential mentor has an office in the same building, go by for a short visit. I remember visiting the office of one high level executive who had pictures of golf courses from all over the world. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I don’t play golf. That’s true, but I had visited many of those countries. That was something we could talk about. With another manager, it was children. She had a son and I had you. So we had that in common.

  Long Distance Relationships

  But not all mentoring is done in person. Long distance relationships, particularly with “appointed” mentors, are more challenging because so much of what we believe about another is based on our personal observations. Yet, I have established some very positive relationships by telephone; so don’t exclude this as a possibility. At the same time, look for opportunities to meet your mentor face to face.

  The telephone can be very annoying at times, especially when the call is unexpected. There are ways to get around this. Make appointments the same way you would if your mentor were two doors away. Be willing to express your concerns. “I’m not sure when you want me to call you. Would you prefer that I send you an email, contact your secretary, or leave a telephone message?” When you do get your mentor on the phone, always start by asking, “Is this a good time to talk?” Even if you have made a telephone appointment, circumstances can change. If it is not convenient, set a different time, but be specific. You don’t want to make two calls to set up one appointment. One positive aspect of long distance relationships is that because there are no visual distractions, we tend to be better listeners.

  Keep building the relationship. Continue to expand the common ground. Whether you meet in the hall, by phone or even by email, don’t forget to begin the conversation with questions like, “How is the golf coming?” “Is your son still thinking about what he wants to major in?” Speaking of email, if you’ve seen the movie “You’ve Got Mail,” you get the idea that you can even achieve results that way, most particularly if you adopt a conversational tone. Granted, the movie was fiction, but my point is that email doesn’t have to be rigid. That’s why so many people get satisfaction out of “chat rooms.” The difference is, mentoring relationships can never be anonymous. You need to be clear about your mentor’s credibility. At some point in the relationship, you will need to use the four powerful words that will show you if this is the right mentor for you. The words are, “I need your help (or advice).” Then see what happens! Just be sure the situation is appropriate to the person you choose.

  One more very important point, Brad, mentoring is a two-way relationship. Make sure you address your own needs. Even if the person is miles ahead of you in ranking, knowledge, and experience, remember that it is not a mentoring relationship if you do not get what you need from it.

  Formal and Informal Relationships

  Some mentoring relationships are formal. The word “mentor” is spoken from the start and both people agree that this is the foundation for their meetings. Other mentoring relationships come from a connection that develops naturally between two people. Perhaps the other person offers a piece of good advice, and you find yourself seeking her out more and more. Perhaps you worked on a project with a former manager who invites you to stop by for a visit. Over time, these visits become more frequent and the amount of time you spend together lengthens. In such cases although mentoring may be taking place, the “m” word isn’t spoken.

  In a formal relationship, you go through a process of sharing your learning goals, checking in from time to time to see how things are going, and updating the mentor on your progress or seeking advice and support on the challenges you are facing. In the informal relationship, there are no set times or expressed learning goals, but the benefits are just as profound. Regardless of which kind of mentoring relationship you are involved in, you need to be very clear in your own mind about what you want to learn.

  Stages of a Mentoring Relationship

  Brad, you haven’t met my Houston friend Lucien Powell. I hope you will someday soon. One of the things Lucien and I talked about recently was that a mentoring relationship is always in transition. Lucien described the process as: “lead, follow, and get out of the way.” I think that makes sense from the mentee’s side as well as the mentor’s.

  Lead

  In the early stages of school or a career, you might need a role model, someone to help you understand how things work. I remember when I first came to Perry Winkle. I wanted to know how to get projects approved. Some people were very successful at it. Some were not. I remember Carol, my mentor, telling me that most approvals occur before the meeting. She said, “Talk to the people who are impacted by the decision. Find out what their concerns are. If they have played a part in your presentation, they will support you. If not, you could
be ambushed by a surprise objection.” Carol also advised me about things I had never considered like the appropriate dress, and her perspective helped me avoid letting my ego overload my brain more than once. I never got the impression that my questions sounded foolish to her. Carol really took the lead in our relationship making sure I had easy access to her and at the same time encouraging me to “check in” from time to time.

  Follow

  Later, I felt more in control of the situation receiving mentoring when I needed some advice or someone to use as a sounding board. Was this a good idea or a bad one? How might I get higher-level support? By then, Kirk and I had established a solid relationship. He had been my manager at one time, and I knew that he understood the system and the “players.” He was a superb listener, and he would ask questions that made me think.

  I remember one situation when I had a conflict with a manager from another department. I described what happened to Kirk, and he agreed I could have handled the situation more appropriately. Then he offered some advice on how I could rectify things. Later he asked me a very important question: “What did you learn from that?” The one thing I was truly conscious of when Kirk mentored me was that it was up to me to set the timing and agenda for our meetings. There were no “check-ins.” At times we would meet every two or three days. Then it might be several weeks before we spoke again.

  Ending a Mentoring Relationship

  Gradually, my relationship with Kirk changed. He became less of an advisor and more of a supporter and a friend. I still occasionally bounced ideas off of him, but I noticed that he often sought my opinion too. We shared confidences and jokes. Sometimes, if I told him I needed some of his superior knowledge he would encourage me to challenge myself and take the risk of being wrong. That’s a great learning experience too, and Kirk let me know he considered me more than ready for it. I remember one time when he told me, “You can work your way out of this, Rachel. I’ve seen you in action.” What a confidence builder he was!