The Art of Mentoring

by Shirley Peddy

  At some point, Brad, every relationship changes or ends. If you think of the way your relationship has evolved with people who were once your advisors, it’s easy to see how that might apply. You can still talk to and relate to your high school teachers, but the interchanges are different. That’s true of your football coach, your drama teacher, and in some ways, even with your dad and me.

  Get Out of the Way

  With a mentor, there comes a point when you’ve profited from his or her wisdom, and now it is time to become more independent. Think of it as flying solo. If you take flying lessons, at first you go to school to learn the different parts of a plane, the aerodynamics of flying, the things you must inspect to insure safety and much more. Then, you fly with an instructor who can take the controls away from you at any point. Later, you fly solo and your instructor stays on the ground offering advice. Finally, you take the plane up alone—totally alone.

  At this point, the instructor could become your friend or perhaps someone you wave at when you happen to see him on the flying field. How that relationship evolves is up to both of you. The mentoring relationship is similar although occasionally it ends with fewer and fewer interactions. Other times, there is a formal recognition that both mentor and protégé are ready to move on. When that time comes, you should be sure to thank your mentor and acknowledge how much he has contributed to your growth.

  So these are some of the issues about being mentored that I wanted to share with you. I know one thing. The people who have mentored me have had everything to do with the success I’ve had and little to do with my failures. They have come through for me when I hit a “brick wall” and because of that, I am hopeful that you will find someone that you can call upon the same way.

  Keep shining,

  Love Mom

  NOTES TO MENTORING FILE

  _____________________________

  Establishing a Mentoring Relationship

  Whether you pick your mentor, your mentor chooses you, or the organization makes the selection, it is important to make the relationship a positive one.

  1. Find something you have in common beyond the reason you are meeting

  2. Set up ground rules for your meetings whether they are in person, by phone or by email. Include such areas as how often and how long meetings should be, as well as how contacts and arrangements will be made. Are there any particular preferences the mentor has? Be sure to include how to contact your mentor in case of emergency.

  3. Offer to furnish agenda items and questions in advance.

  4. Share your learning goals.

  5. Use four powerful words “I need your help (or advice)” to engage the person and see if she is right for you.

  6. Be sure the relationship addresses your needs as well as those of your mentor.

  CHAPTER 14

  Preparing to Fly Solo

  It doesn’t matter what your coaches decide… The only thing that matters is what you decide.

  Ray Pelletier, Inspiring Others to Win

  I had started this letter on the plane back to Houston. I was just completing it when the doorbell rang in my all-too-quiet apartment. It was Lucien.

  “Lizzy says you’re to come and have some cherry pie.”

  “Tell Beth I love her, but I’m a bit tired.”

  “I think the best antidote for being tired is a thirty minute visit with the Powells which includes cherry pie, hot tea and great conversation—at no extra charge. Besides,” he chuckled, “Beth says I can’t have any pie tonight if you don’t come, so even if I have to drag you, Ms. Hanson, you’re coming.”

  I smiled. “Okay, I’ll come for thirty minutes and cherry pie, but your punishment is that you must read this letter that I have written my son about the art of being mentored.”

  Lucien faked a grimace. “Agreed. Rachel Hanson, you are one tough negotiator.”

  The cherry pie was hot and tart. Beth had definitely surpassed her former culinary creations. When she offered a second piece, I refused reluctantly. We talked about my trip home and my conversation with Brad. About that time, Lucien looked up from his reading. “Good stuff, Rachel. I hope your son takes it all in.”

  “I do too. What I’m wondering is, do you disagree with anything I’ve said? I really value your opinion.”

  Mentoring Pitfalls

  “I don’t disagree with a word of it. There are a couple of things you might want to add though.”

  “Such as?”

  “Well, you paint a rosy picture, but there are some pitfalls to having a mentor.”

  I waited for him to continue.

  “All advice, even that of a mentor, should be considered carefully before being followed. One thing I’ve learned over time, Rachel, is that what suits you and your style, doesn’t automatically suit me and mine. The advice must be tailored by the person receiving it to his situation like a pair of slacks bought off a rack must be hemmed here and taken in there to fit. Now, don’t look at me that way. I’m not saying you shouldn’t seek advice, only don’t act blindly because it worked for someone else.”

  “Agreed. What else?”

  “Well it is possible that you could find yourself with a mentor who is wrong for you. Perhaps your organization pre-selected this person with the best of intentions. Perhaps the person was your choice. It doesn’t matter. If things are not working out, you need to figure out why. Have you decided that the person is wrong because he doesn’t share your take on things? In that case, your best mentor is your mirror. Perhaps, however, there are other reasons.”

  “Like a personality conflict, for example? I know what you mean. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I’m the best mentor for Stuart.”

  “Maybe not. The point is, if things aren’t working out, do something to change the situation. Perhaps you discuss the relationship with your mentor. If that doesn’t help, you may want to end it. You don’t have to pitch the person out. Just thank him for what he has offered, and let the relationship die a natural death.”

  By now I was taking notes. These ideas would definitely be included in the letter. “Any other pitfalls?”

  “A big one—the relationship could be too good. You wind up getting a great deal out of this person and the advice he gives you works. Now you recognize him as an asset and don’t want to let go of him or make a move without his advice. Anyone being mentored needs to be wary of becoming too dependent.”

  “I’ve got another pitfall,” I said. “See what you think. I believe one can become overly associated with a particular mentor. Then, if that person leaves or runs into a brick wall of his own, the mentee is out on a limb.” Lucien nodded and I continued. “I’ve known people who lost their network when they became linked with someone higher up. People aren’t willing to confide in them anymore. They are afraid of what will happen to the information.”

  “Right, Rachel. The situation at To Your Health is a case in point. You wouldn’t want to have ‘pinned your star’ to Altis Dunlop, soon to be former president of TYH. The answer is to have more than one mentor. For example, one might be a formal mentor appointed by the company or school; another could be informal, someone you have a relationship with and you respect. If their ideas overlap, so much the better. If they are definitely different, then you are responsible for sorting them out.”

  “Any others?” I wondered.

  “Yes,” said Lucien. “Suppose you are assigned a mentor who ranks way above you in the company and you find yourself reluctant to take the initiative and unwilling to reveal any concerns. I call this self-intimidation.”

  “That happens, but what can someone do?”

  “You’ve already made some suggestions in your letter to Brad. Set the meetings up through secretaries, telephone messages or email. Then, ask the person for her preferences. ‘Would you like a copy of my learning goals? Shall I email you agenda items or questions?’ Be willing to confess that you need the mentor’s input to make things go smoothly. Create ground rules to support a productive r
elationship. That’s what I’d do. But Rachel, I’ve got a question for you. Suppose the mentor makes some suggestions, and you don’t feel as if they fit?”

  “You’re testing me, Lucien. When Elroy gives me advice, I know his intentions are good, so I look for something positive in what he said and I point that out. I make sure he knows I found his approach had merit. Once I do that, I feel fine about saying, ‘I’ll have to think about it. I’m not sure this would work for me.’ I have a philosophy that says, you can reject the advice if you don’t reject the giver.”

  Getting the Most from Your Relationship

  “That’s a good point. It’s so important for those who are mentored to manage the relationship. After all, if you’re the one being mentored, it is your agenda that should be at the forefront. It is your need to develop that must be paramount. So tell Brad he needs to have an agenda at all times to keep things from drifting, that he needs to steer the conversation in the appropriate direction, that he needs to learn how to ask questions and be an active listener, and above all he needs to take the responsibility to make sure he is getting what he needs out of it. One of the greatest pitfalls is surrendering the opportunity to get what you need by putting the mentor in charge. Perhaps that is the real test for the person being mentored.”

  Principles Every Mentee Should Learn

  “Rachel,” said Lucien, “I know we’ve gone well over my thirty minutes. I want to keep my credit good with you, but before you go, I have something I want to give you. It is a list of principles I learned from a mentor many years ago. Please include a copy in your letter to Brad.

  “And one more thing, Rachel, I know you really want Brad to succeed at this, so teach him to become skilled at asking questions and proficient at listening to the answers. One thing I learned when I worked with Charlie Rothstein—he has mastered the art of learning. I remember when we used to talk he had a habit of asking, ‘what if’ and ‘how do I’ questions. (You know what I mean. ‘What if he doesn’t respond positively? How do I close the sale?’) And when you answered his questions, you had to be thorough because if he weren’t satisfied, he would keep probing until he got what he wanted. Then he would play it back in his own words, and ask, ‘Did I get that right?’ It’s no accident that he is heading up the plant in Sugar Land and destined for even higher positions.”

  I agreed. Charlie Rothstein was a learner, but he was also a teacher. Lucien had given me a lot to think about, but it was now time to go. I thanked him and Beth for the tea, pie, and conversation and went back to my small apartment. I would finish the letter to Brad tomorrow adding the ideas I received tonight, but the list of principles had me so curious, I didn’t want to wait before I took them out and read them. Actually, there were ten principles for the mentor as well as ten for the “mentee.” I had plenty of material to send my son. It was up to Paul to decide when the time was right.

  Lucien’s Principles: Things Every “Mentee”

  Should Know or Learn

  1. Learning is a lifetime occupation. Even top athletes continue to have coaches.

  2. Negotiation is better than confrontation.

  3. Competition is good but cooperation is better. Working individually is good, but working as part of a team is better.

  4. Always share the glory. Always!

  5. Attitude counts as much as performance. People may forget who won or who lost, but they never forget how you treated them.

  6. Reputation counts. Teaming up with losers makes you a loser.

  7. If you want good answers you have to ask good questions.

  8. Having goals is good, but goals without purpose are meaningless. Goals tell you what. Purpose tells you why.

  9. How you feel is not important. It’s what you do that counts.

  10. You always have a choice, but every decision has consequences.

  Lucien’s Principles: Things every mentor should do

  1. Listen more; talk less.

  2. Empathize; don’t sympathize. Sympathizing makes people feel like victims.

  3. Share your failures as well as your successes. Focus on what you learned.

  4. Emphasize your struggles to get where you are; work is work.

  5. Understand the uniqueness of each individual. What worked for you may not work for someone else.

  6. Explain the “unspoken” rules, the imaginary lines.

  7. Encourage responsibility.

  8. Communicate high, but not unrealistic, expectations.

  9. Understand your role: to help the other grow in wisdom, judgment, resilience, and independence.

  10. Don’t become overly partisan. Part of your role is to offer perspective.

  NOTES TO THE MENTORING FILE

  _____________________________

  Be Aware of Potential Pitfalls

  1. All advice, even that of a mentor, should be considered carefully before being followed. Each person has a different style. What works for him might not work for you.

  2. If problems or conflicts arise with your mentor, do something to change the situation. Discuss your relationship with your mentor. If that doesn’t help, you may want to end it.

  3. Be wary of becoming too dependent on your mentor to the extent that it robs you of the capacity to act on your own.

  4. Avoid becoming overly associated with a mentor. You could be stranded if that person leaves or has a problem of his own. Also, you may lose your network as a result.

  5. Don’t become “self-intimidated” by a high-ranking mentor. Continue to focus on your development and the opportunity to learn from someone who has “made it.”

  6. Focus on your learning goals. Don’t make the mistake of surrendering the opportunity to learn by putting the mentor in charge.

  7. Don’t let the relationship drift. Take the initiative to keep it going and to keep it energized.

  CHAPTER 15

  Stressful Situations

  When we act on our own choices, we define our own future. The good news is we have the sense of being in control of our lives. The bad news is that it’s our fault and there’s no one else to blame.

  — Peter Block, The Empowered Manager

  Monday mornings are usually hectic. All the work left over from the rush to escape on Friday sits waiting for you, silent and menacing. It’s always worse when you’ve made an early exit as I had. So I was pleasantly surprised when I entered my office to see my desk bare, no pink slips, nobody waiting. The Marketers were off on phase one of their sales trips, and I suspected there would be no news until their return. Judy looked up from her desk, smiled and returned to the papers she was typing. I noticed a small crystal vase with three silver roses in it. “Those are beautiful. Something special?” I asked.

  “They’re a peace offering from Alicia,” said Judy. “Smart lady.”

  “You deserved it after last week. Did she say anything when she came in? Does she want me to call her?” The answer to both questions was no. “I guess I’ll drop by and see how things went at Perry Winkle,” I said.

  “I wouldn’t,” responded Judy. “She’s squirreled away in her office with the door shut, and she told me not to disturb her.”

  I could understand that. Alicia had been gone for several days, and she probably had some catching up to do. Just then Judy’s phone rang. “Alicia’s ready for me,” said Judy with a grin. “I guess she wants to catch up on what happened Friday afternoon.”

  “Tell her I’d like to chat with her,” I said.

  Judy returned. Alicia was busy, she told me. She doesn’t want to be interrupted, but when she had time, she’d come by and talk. So, I went back to my office and wrote a note to Elroy.

  To: egrant@pwe.net

  From: rachel@pwe.net

  Things are pretty quiet here. I’m in a waiting mode. Waiting to see the results of Alicia’s visit to PWE, waiting to hear how the Marketers do on visiting old customers, waiting to see what you think when you visit Houston. How are things at PWE?

  Rachel
<
br />   P.S. Next week Stuart Kennedy is planning to make some sales pitches in Georgia. I think he’d like to visit PWE and meet you. What do you think?

  Thirty minutes later:

  To: rachel@pwe.net

  From: egrant@pwe.net

  Things are fine here, just the way you left them. I’ll be away for the next two weeks, first at a conference and then in Scottsdale playing golf. In the meantime, tell Kennedy if you can wait, he can too. I’ll meet him when I meet the others in a couple of weeks. I guess everyone has to wait some time. If you need me, you can catch me on my pager.

  Elroy

  The morning dragged on. Around eleven I decided to see if Alicia was going to lunch. I stopped by her office. She was at her desk as usual, surrounded by papers. On her credenza was the laptop computer. She was busily pecking away at it and hardly looked up when I came in.

  “How about lunch?” I asked.

  She looked up briefly. “Judy is bringing me a sandwich. I’m just going to eat at my desk. There’s so much going on, Rachel, you wouldn’t believe it. I have to catch up or I’ll go crazy.” All of this she uttered without taking a breath.

  “I’d like to know how things went,” I ventured.

  “I know. I know,” she said, swinging around and facing me, “and I’ll get back to you. Honestly, I will.”