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The Art of Mentoring

Page 20

by Shirley Peddy


  “How about getting together tomorrow?”

  The tapping started, first slowly then gaining in momentum. It was clear I was making Alicia nervous. “I’ll try. Okay?” The phone rang and she turned away. I was dismissed.

  On the way back to my office I ran into Ron Corbin, the Assistant Controller who had been so helpful in finding money for my project. He smiled when he saw me. “Just the person I was looking for. Come with me, Rachel. I want to show you something. Then I’m going to buy your lunch in the most exclusive restaurant in town.”

  “I take it you mean the downstairs cafeteria.”

  “The same,” he said guiding me toward his office. “Well, what do you think?”

  “I think you’ve made my day,” I said, admiring walls adorned with brightly colored geometric prints.

  “That isn’t all,” he said. “Let’s take a walk.” So we went from office to office in the Accounting Department as I saw more walls decorated with flowers in splashy watercolors, impressionist posters, and formal oil paintings of bluebonnet fields.

  “I love it, Ron. It lifts my spirits. How have people reacted?”

  “More energy and better morale. It’s amazing. My next step is to see if we can pipe in some music. What do you think?”

  “I think it’s a grand idea, Ron. What has the reaction been in Human Resources?”

  “You mean Lily? She was a bit flustered at first, but I offered to send back any paintings she had a problem with, and she refused. Now, she’s acting as if the whole thing were her idea. I saw a note she sent to Distribution, Computing Services, and Building Maintenance, suggesting they add some art work to their walls as well. Told them it would increase morale.” He giggled. “The note came too late for Distribution. Their pictures were already on order and will be hung tomorrow. Want to see the memo? I made a copy of it. Come back to my office, and I’ll show it to you.”

  Sure enough, Lily had taken the old adage, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” to heart. Now she wholeheartedly supported putting holes in those sterile walls. In fact, she actually gave out the number of the Frame Shop as a recommended place to buy. I wondered if she realized that Altis Dunlop, TYH president, would soon be history so she had abandoned some of his more rigid policies. Who knows? At any rate, I was excited by the results and grateful for the bright diversion to an otherwise bleak day.

  Warning Signs

  Tuesday came and went without any messages from Alicia, and I began to see a dangerous pattern forming. When I got ready to leave the office at 5:30, I noticed her door still closed. I knocked. “Alicia, are you in there?”

  “Come in, Rachel,” she said. “I was finishing up a couple of things before I go home.” The stack of papers in front of her belied her assessment.

  “Is everything all right?” I wondered.

  “No problem. I want to make sure I’ve double checked a few things—then I’ll be leaving; don’t worry. I’ve got to make dinner, so the sooner I finish, the sooner I’ll get out of here. See you later, Rachel,” she said, turning back to her work.

  So in spite of my pleas, she stayed. I felt a sense of responsibility for what was happening here. I had been the one who insisted that a visit to Perry Winkle Enterprises was the solution to her long hours. It appeared that the reverse was true. It had only made the rock heavier.

  By the next morning, I resolved that if Alicia didn’t come out for lunch, I was going in to get her. This had to stop. Her stress level must be at its peak. I know mine was. About ten thirty, Judy came to the door. “I’m worried about Alicia,” she said. “I saw her in the rest room. Her eyes were all red. She looked like she had been crying.”

  I was out of my seat before Judy could finish and headed for Alicia’s stronghold.

  “Come in,” she said to my persistent knock. Alicia sat in the midst of the paper, the laptop computer open on her desk. The picture of her family had been moved from its customary place on the credenza to a spot adjacent to the computer. She looked up at me, her eyes welling over with tears. “It’s Roberto,” she sniffed. It seemed that Alicia’s eleven-year-old had received a failing grade in mathematics. Tomás and Alicia had had words about it last evening when she had gotten home at seven thirty. She was too wrapped up in her work, he had told her. Perhaps she wanted to move into the office. If she couldn’t handle her job and her children, then she would have to quit. He wasn’t going to have his boys raised without a mother. That was that. “I’ve been crying all morning,” she sobbed. “I don’t know what to do, Rachel. My children and Tomás are my life, but I love my job too. You’re so good at solving problems. What should I do?”

  Whenever I find someone in the midst of an emotional situation, even though there might be logical answers, I’ve learned to deal first with the emotions. “You’re having a rough time, Alicia. Is there anything I can do?”

  “No, there’s nothing. I just don’t know how to please him and get all my work done. I don’t want to quit, but I don’t want to sacrifice my family either.”

  “You’ve been putting in long hours,” I offered. “The trip didn’t help I fear.”

  “Oh, but it did help. There were so many good ideas, I just need time to get them going.”

  “And you will, but right now you’re feeling stressed. I want you to go home and rest for a couple of days. Be with your family. When you feel like coming back, we’ll work together to find the right answer.”

  She rose. “I don’t want to lose my family,” she said.

  “And you won’t. Now, go.”

  “But my work!”

  “Judy and I will figure things out. For now, you need to be home.”

  I worried about Alicia that afternoon, about Alicia and all the super moms who dedicate themselves to both career and family, focusing their attention intermittently on whichever is making the greater demands at the moment. Tomorrow, or the next day, when Alicia returned there would be a greater challenge in mentoring her because whenever work issues and home issues are so closely intertwined, it is never possible to mentor the work part exclusively. This was like so many mentoring situations I’ve been in. I’ve listened to problems involving everything from broken hearts to marital upheavals; I’ve been involved in the bringing up of children and the care of elder parents. Not part of work, you say? Think again. Nobody lives in a vacuum, and we all bring our challenges to work. That’s why mentoring is an art.

  The Conflict between Supervising and Mentoring

  The situation with Alicia is a good illustration of why supervisors are not the best mentors for their subordinates. At a time like this, the biggest dilemma for a supervisor is whether to consider group performance or the individual first. If I had really seen myself as a supervisor, I might be leaning toward finding a way to keep Alicia at work. She was a workhorse, the kind of employee who is usually replaced by two when she leaves. A few supervisors I have known would have sent work home with her. Others would be satisfied that if she took a couple of days off, she could return to work with a fresh perspective and begin anew at the same pace. Still a third group would maintain a hands-off policy. As her mentor, I wanted her to find the answers that were right for her, regardless of the impact on the work. In my years of experience, I have never found an indispensable person. The work always gets done, somehow.

  Still, I must admit I was feeling pretty guilty when I went home that night because Beth Powell noticed it immediately. We had gone out for Italian food over Beth’s protests. “You don’t need to take us out. I make a better lasagna than we can get anywhere in town.” When I didn’t respond immediately, she remarked, “You’re not yourself, Rachel. Something at work or is it that boy of yours that is troubling you?”

  “I’m sorry I’m not great company tonight,” I replied. Then I told them about Alicia. “I feel so responsible,” I said, “and I’m really not sure there’s anything I can do to help her. I thought if I sent her to PWE she would learn more efficiencies and it would help her, but it h
asn’t.”

  “Perhaps being more efficient isn’t the problem,” said Beth sympathetically. “I know people who get so wrapped up in whatever they are doing, they just can’t let go of it.”

  “Don’t look at me,” injected Lucien. “I’ve learned over the years that Beth requires my full attention, and I’d better give it to her—or else.”

  “Lucky, hush. This is serious. Anyway, Rachel, it was in the cards that when Alicia learned some new ways to do things, she’d double check everything the old way.”

  “But she wants my help, and I really don’t know how I can do that. I’ve already messed things up,” I said, feeling a twinge of guilt mixed with self-pity.

  “Don’t fret,” said Beth. “The jolt Alicia needed was probably administered by the right person and far more effectively than you could do it.”

  “You mean by Tomás,” I said. “That’s all well and good, but what happens now?”

  “Your job is to be a good ‘follower,’” said Lucien.

  “So I hide in the underbrush to make sure she can battle her personal ‘lion’ herself?”

  “Exactly,” replied Lucien. “And being the wise counselor you are, if Alicia comes to you, the greatest help you can offer is not in supplying answers, but in asking her the right questions.”

  The next morning I went to see Lily Sheldon. As Human Resources Manager, she was in charge of the employee policies, and although I had been willing to ignore her status in the “wall situation,” I knew better than to “tinker” with company policy. I wanted to know what we could offer Alicia, that is, if she decided to stay. The idea of sitting back and watching someone who understood the business and contributed so much walk out the door without considering the options available was unthinkable. At the same time, I recognized she might choose to leave. I felt the age-old conflict between the needs of the individual and my responsibility to the organization. On one hand, I wanted Alicia to do whatever was right for her; on the other I hoped she would decide that was to remain at TYH.

  When I described Alicia’s quandary, Lily was sympathetic. Unfortunately, most of the options I was considering were not available at To Your Health. People didn’t work at home here, and there were no part-time permanent jobs. If Alicia wanted temporary status or a leave of absence, either could definitely be arranged. I should let Lily know. Beyond these options, there was little she could do. However, since the company had been bought by Perry Winkle Enterprises, it was inevitable that policies would change. For now, that was the best she could offer.

  Alicia’s Dilemma

  I didn’t think Alicia would be interested in either, but I felt better knowing what the choices were. She returned Friday morning and, breaking with her usual practice of going directly to her office, she stopped by mine. “Is this a good time, Rachel?” she asked, closing the door behind her at my nod.

  “I’m glad you’re back, Alicia. I was worried about you. Is everything all right?”

  “I’m not sure what to do,” she said, sinking into one of my guest chairs. I came around my desk and sat in the other. “Tomás and I talked Wednesday night, and he took yesterday off from work. I don’t need to tell you, this is serious.” I nodded my agreement. “He told me he’s been very patient with me because he knows how dedicated I am to my job, but he said I should have known Roberto wasn’t doing well in mathematics. Yesterday, we went to the school and met with all his teachers. He hasn’t been turning in his homework or doing much in any of his classes. In some classes he is failing; in others, his grades are going down. When we spoke to him last night, he said he couldn’t see the blackboard. I’m leaving at ten today to take him to the eye doctor. We think he needs glasses. I hope that’s all it is.”

  “So do I,” I responded.

  “Tomás asked me what came first, my job or my family. I told him my family. Then he said, I hadn’t been acting that way. That really hurt. I offered to quit my job, Rachel, and he said it was up to me. Whether I go or stay, I need to arrange things so I can spend more time with my children. The problem is, I don’t know whether I can do my job in fewer hours. I haven’t had time to put in the changes from PWE, and the more time I’m away from work, the more backlog I seem to have. With fewer hours I’ll never catch up, but if I don’t do that, my husband and family suffer. So what should I do?”

  At that moment, the tug of war between supervisor and mentor was over for me. Alicia’s needs as a person took priority. Like many mentors before me, I had the desire, yes the strong urge, to offer advice. Thank goodness, I didn’t give in to it. I do not have a degree in psychology or family counseling, and I do not believe in practicing without a license. “What would you like to do?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I value your advice, Rachel. What would you do in this situation, if you were me?”

  “I wish I could tell you,” I said, resisting the desire to share my ‘wisdom,’ “but what I would do isn’t important. Everyone is different, and what would be a good answer for me right now at this time of my life might be the worst answer for you at this time in yours. I guess in one way, I would do exactly what you’re doing, Alicia. I’d talk to someone and then make my own decision.”

  “But you’ve helped me before, and I thought you’d want to,” she said, her eyes were filling with tears.

  The Power of “Purpose”

  “And I’m here to help you think it through right now. So, let me ask you again, what do you really want?”

  “I guess I’d like to keep working, if I could do it without neglecting my children.”

  “So, what you’re saying is, your family is more important than your job, right?”

  “Is that wrong, Rachel?”

  “No, it’s right for you, and that’s what’s important. Remember when we talked about your purpose in terms of your work life? Would you mind stepping back for a few minutes and sharing with me what your life’s purpose is?”

  “I don’t know what you mean by that.”

  “Well, I’m not talking about purpose in the religious sense. What I am talking about is what you do in life that brings you the greatest satisfaction, and at the same time, provides the greatest benefit to others.”

  “I still don’t think I understand. Do you know what your purpose is?”

  “I think so. It’s to help others learn to take responsibility for their lives. When I’m doing that, I have an inner sense of wellbeing.”

  “And you’re good at it too.”

  “Thanks, Alicia. I work at it because I think it’s so important. Sometimes I find myself failing when I become overly parental with my nineteen-year-old son, but in the end, that is where I get my greatest satisfaction. Does that help?”

  “Yes, but I’m not sure what mine is. Why does it matter right now?”

  “I believe the best chance you have of finding the right answer is to step back from the problem and put things in a broader context.”

  She sighed. “Okay, I guess my purpose is to be a good mother.”

  I smiled. “That’s a start, Alicia, but if that were all, then when your children grew up, you would essentially have no purpose in life. Now that happens to a lot of people who get depressed by the ‘empty nest,’ but one way to avoid it is to ask yourself what you have to offer, to your family and to the world.”

  “I think it’s that I live up to my commitments. Is that what you mean, Rachel?”

  “Partly. Suppose you have to choose between commitments, like the ones you made to your family and your work.”

  “Then family comes first because they need me.”

  “Okay, part of your purpose is to live up to your commitments. But not all your commitments are equal, right? So which ones are the most important?”

  “That’s a hard question. I think the answer is the commitments I make to others.”

  “What about the commitments you make to yourself?”

  “I guess they are even more important, aren’t they?”

  This was an
opportunity I refused to waste. Offering feedback and giving advice are different. I believed this feedback would help Alicia. What she did with it would be up to her. “Commitments to yourself are more important in my opinion. It’s interesting to me, Alicia, that we are most prone to break our promises to ourselves. We’re going to eat better, exercise more, you know what I mean. Then, we continuously make excuses as to why we don’t live up to them. I think you’re very different from that. You’ve got a sense of duty that far exceeds that of most people. The problem comes when you make too many commitments and try to do them all.”

  She was silent for a moment, thinking about this. “You’re right, Rachel. From the time I was a little girl, I’ve always known that I must live up to my commitments. My mom and dad made great sacrifices to send me to college, but most of all they brought me up to be very responsible. My parents worked hard, and I have them to thank for who I am.”

  Defining Options

  “And who you are right this minute is a woman faced with a big question about what she wants to do. What do you see as your options?”

  “I guess continue to work or resign.”

  “Is another to work shorter hours? The question is do you really want to work?”

  “I do, if I could handle it and be there for my children too.”

  “Okay, let’s define what be there for my children means.”

  She was thinking out loud now. “It means being home early enough to check on their homework and talk to them about school. It means taking Roberto to get his eyes checked and not worrying about leaving the office. Does that make sense to you?”

  “It does, one hundred percent. I have a son, too, Alicia, and I did all those things when he was very young because they were important to me then. Now that he’s grown up, my priorities have changed. What time of the day would you have to leave to do what you’ve described?”

  She thought a minute. “Probably by four or four thirty at the latest. But I’m worried that I can’t do that and get my job done.”

 

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