Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. My mouth opens only to immediately close. Stunned is the only way to describe my reaction to Chase’s father. As the words he just practically screamed at me sink in, I turn around and push the down button on the elevator.

  I don’t know what I was expecting when I arrived, but I know I didn’t sign up for this. I’m astonished that Donna asked me to come knowing how her husband would react to seeing me. What’s worse is that she didn’t feel the need to at least give me some heads up.

  Mr. Adams always discouraged Chase from spending time with me when we were dating, doing everything from giving him endless amounts of chores to unexpected trips out of town. However, he never came right out and told me he didn’t want me around his son, but that was clearly the case.

  I’m nervously tapping my foot on the floor, watching the lights on the elevator. When it opens, I rush forward without looking where I’m going and run straight into a very large man.

  “Whoa there, gorgeous.” The man lightly grabs ahold of my arms to keep me from losing my balance. All I want to do is run and hide, even more so once I see how attractive the man is. It’s not until he opens his mouth that my overwhelming need to get the hell out of here returns. “Hey, Steve, how’s our boy doing today?”

  You have got to be kidding me. I step out and around the man in time to see the elevator doors close again. I push the down button repeatedly, hoping by some miracle it will open. But, of course, I’m not that lucky.

  “Steve, I think you’ve been holding out on me. How about you introduce me to the beautiful lady?” I rub the bridge of my nose, praying like hell I can get out of here, and quick.

  “Jordan?” I hear Donna say. Good Lord, luck is not on my side today. I take a deep breath and turn around to face the woman that has gone to extreme lengths to convince me to come here. “Were you leaving?” she asks in a concerned voice.

  I clear my throat and straighten my shoulders. “Yes, Donna, I’m leaving. A little heads up regarding this asshole over here would have been nice.” I can practically see steam coming out of Steve’s ears.

  “What did you call me?” he growls.

  “Be quiet, STEVEN!” Everyone within hearing distance stops and looks in our direction. I don’t really know Donna but I get the impression based on both Steve and the big guy’s reaction to her outburst that this is not normal behavior.

  “We’ve tried it your way and that hasn’t worked. Now we’re trying it my way and my way includes help from Jordan. You can either shut up and deal with her being here or you can leave.”

  “Wow, Mrs. A., I didn’t know you had that in you!” the big guy says with laughter in his voice.

  “Not now, Jake. I’m not in the mood.”

  Whoever Jake is mumbles “Clearly” before turning his breathtaking smile towards me. “In case you didn’t already know, I’m Jake. You must be Jordan.” He gives me a wink and another gorgeous smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you on many drunken occasions, but I have to say you’re even more beautiful than I imagined.”

  I blink a few times, trying to remember if I’ve seen this man before but nothing comes to mind. “Why would I know you?”

  “Because I’m Jake Girard.” And just like that, his good looks vanish and all I can see is an arrogant douche.

  “Jake, cut it out, please.” Donna turns her hard look towards me and softens it some before speaking. “Jordan, Chase’s doctor would like to talk to you before you see him.”

  Jake drapes an arm over my shoulder. “We’re not accomplishing anything standing in front of the elevators so let’s get the gorgeous babe to Dr. Wallace.”

  Steve grunts out his displeasure while Jake continues smiling at me in an unnerving way. With a slight pull, I start walking with him.

  Jake removes his arm once we arrive at a warm looking office where the three of them make themselves at home. Jake grabs a candy dish off the desk and starts eating away while Steve and Donna continue their strange standoff due to my arrival.

  Minutes pass before a nice looking older man walks in. He takes a look around then heads to the desk in the center of the room. “Hello. I’m glad to see everyone. I take it you must be the famous Jordan.”

  “Yes, Dr. Wallace. This is Jordan.” Donna speaks up before I have the chance to say anything.

  “Good, I think having you here will be very valuable. Has anyone filled you in on what’s going on, Jordan?”

  “Yes. I mean kind of.” Dr. Wallace shakes his head as if he was expecting my answer and then he starts talking again.

  “Chase is recovering from a serious concussion. This concussion has caused his memory to differ from reality. His CT scans look very promising and I was hoping his memory would have corrected itself by now. But, for whatever reason, he’s holding on to the thought that the two of you are married. He becomes aggravated more times than not at the idea that you haven’t been in to see him.” The doctor pauses while Donna sniffles and Steve grunts his dissatisfaction.

  “In a nutshell, Ms. Taylor, when Chase woke up, it was to an altered state of mind. From what I can tell, Chase recalls everything that has happened in his life, but now, somehow, the last ten years of his memory includes you.”

  I take a nervous breath of air. The doctor practically told me the same thing Donna already has, but it seems more serious while listening to him.

  “Have you seen or spoken to Chase lately?” the doctor asks, keeping his eyes locked with mine.

  “No, I haven’t heard a word from Chase for over ten years.”

  “Right. That’s what Steve and Donna said, so this works perfectly.”

  I let out a loud sigh, scan the room, and then look back at the doctor. “I’m going to be honest, Doctor Wallace. Right now I would rather have a few teeth pulled than be here dealing with those two and”—I point in the direction of the big guy who’s still munching away on candy like he’s at the movies—“him. But against my better judgment, I’m here, so please get to what it is you want or need from me or I’m going to get up and take a cab straight back to the airport and head home.”

  This Jake person makes a drawn-out whistling noise before adding another unnecessary comment. “Man, for such an exquisite creature, you sure pack a lot of attitude. Did you have this temper back when you belonged to my boy?”

  I’m compelled to really show him my attitude when Dr. Wallace speaks up. “Jordan, I think it’s possible when Chase sees you the reality that the two of you aren’t married will set in. If he hasn’t seen you or a picture of you in ten years, then your appearance alone should jar the reality he’s, for whatever reason, allowed himself to believe is true.”

  Donna speaks up first and asks the question I think we’re all wondering. “What if it doesn’t?”

  The doctor nods his head. “Jordan, if Chase continues to believe you’re his wife then whatever you do don’t burst his world. I’m not asking you to lie or even pretend that the two of you are married. Instead, ask him questions. When he calls you his wife, ask him when and where you were married. The more he’s forced to face this new reality he’s created for himself, the better chance we have that his brain will start to see what’s real and what’s not. Do you understand?”

  I feel like I’ve stepped into an insane world, and maybe I have ...a crazed world that Chase has somehow created. “I don’t think this is a good idea,” Steven says.

  “And I told you we’re done doing things your way. If you don’t like it, then there’s the door,” Donna snaps back.

  “This is what he needs. To get better, this is what he needs,” Jake adds as he finally puts the candy dish down. “You mean something to him and I think you always have. Now, my dear, it’s show time.” Jake gives me what I think is supposed to be a panty dropping smile, but it’s not working on me. I just want to get this over with and get out of the hell Chase has created for me.

  CHASE

  I can’t stand looking at these bare white walls anymore
. And if one more nurse comes in here acting excited to see me then I might just say fuck it and throw a bouquet of flowers at their head.

  I’m going fucking crazy. I can feel it. All I want to know is why. Why isn’t she here? I’m officially desperate to see her, and I’m sick and fucking tired of listening to everyone’s bullshit excuses about where she is.

  She’ll be here soon.

  She’s busy.

  She’s out of town.

  Her cell phone isn’t working.

  It’s one excuse after another and the only thing I know for sure is everyone is lying to me. I just can’t figure out why.

  I click the TV off then stare into space before noticing someone out of the corner of my eye. Like every other day since I’ve been in this hellhole, I’m expecting it to be some ecstatic asshole who’s just ‘oh so happy to see me,’ but it’s not. It’s her ...It’s finally her. My breath catches in my throat as my heart thumps like a kettledrum.

  She’s standing right inside my door. Her dark hair is down around her face. Her beautiful blue eyes are taking me in while she nervously bites her lip.

  The first thought that travels through my head is how peaceful I suddenly feel by just setting my eyes on her, but then my pleasant thoughts are taken over by the disappointment I’ve felt as I waited for her to finally come to me. I’m her husband and I’ve been lying in this bed attached to machines waiting to hear if the doctor thinks I can ever play football again while she’s been where? Doing what?

  She takes a step further into my room and gives me a hesitant smile. I watch her closely but don’t say a word.

  “Hi,” she nervously breathes out. Oh God. Just the sound of her voice has me the most spirited I’ve felt since I woke up here all alone. “How are you feeling?” she adds as she takes a step closer.

  “Okay. Mad. Confused,” I say with a sigh.

  Jordan slowly approaches my bed. Then her tongue darts out, tracing her lips. Fuck me. My eyes follow the path of her tongue and my dick stirs. In one sense, this is good because even with some of the most erotic looking nurses I’ve had this week, not a single one of them have aroused any interest from my lower half, to the point that I wondered if I broke my dick the same time I hit my head. Evidently, that’s not the case.

  “Those are some mixed emotions. Maybe we should start simple. How’s your head feeling?” She gives a sweet, almost shy smile, something I remember her doing when we first started dating.

  “It’s fine now. When I woke up, it hurt like a bitch, but you would have known that if you were here.” My voice is harsher than I meant it to be, but I can’t keep the anger that’s simmering from boiling up to the surface.

  Jordan doesn’t react to my comment. If anything, she appears timid, almost uncertain, and if anyone has the right to be suspicious it’s me.

  “Where have you been?” I question.

  She exhales loudly. “Well, um, I’ve been working.”

  Working? She’s been working. I was lying here worried out of my goddamn mind and she was—wait ...Oh shit. My heart drops to my stomach from fear. I know my memory is foggy at best. Is it possible her weird demeanor is from something I said or did?

  “You’ll have to forgive me. I don’t ...I don’t remember what happened the day of my accident. Did we have a fight? Is that why you haven’t been here?”

  She starts shaking her head no but there’s a slight panic in her voice when she finally speaks. “I—No. No, we didn’t have a fight. I was working in New York and ...and I didn’t hear about your accident until yesterday.” Her words turn the blood in my veins to pure ice. I’ve been going out of my mind, and no one fucking called her.

  Truthfully, the whole situation is a little bizarre. If she were out of town for work, why wouldn’t she have called home just to check in with me? I sigh in frustration. She’s my fucking wife and I can’t remember something as simple as this. I don’t know where she went or why, but the fact that she wasn’t here is the classic work of my father, who has never approved of our relationship.

  “I’m sorry my parents didn’t call you sooner. I’m sure you were freaked out when you finally heard.”

  Jordan is chewing on her bottom lip. This is a habit I don’t remember her having, but again her behavior is offbeat in general today, leaving me to wonder if she’s not being truthful about us fighting. “The call was definitely unexpected.” She turns her head away towards the door like she’s nervous or waiting on someone.

  “Jordan, would you please look at me?”

  She slowly brings her head back towards me. She takes her time but when her eyes finally lock with mine, I feel a jolt in my chest, almost like someone knocked the wind out of me.

  How is it possible after all of these years to be this enchanted by her beauty and charm? Having her in the same room as me soothes me in a way nothing else has this whole week.

  “I’m sorry.” And I am. I’m just not exactly sure what I’m sorry for. All I know is that my beautiful girl isn’t too excited to see me and with my head this fucking cloudy it leads me to believe that I did something to make her act this detached.

  “What are you sorry for?” Her stunning blue eyes turn glassy as she does exactly what I feared: asked me for a detailed answer.

  “For everything. For everything I’ve ever said or done that’s hurt you. But more importantly, I’m sorry for making you sad. I hate seeing you upset. When I get out of this fucking place, I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy again.”

  I vow to do everything in my power to fix whatever fractured our relationship, especially the piece that currently has tears falling down my beautiful girl’s face. Jesus, I’m so pissed that I can’t seem to remember something that feels important, something that everyone else seems to know. Something I’m sure I did but for the life of me can’t seem to make myself remember.

  “Knock knock.” Both of our heads turn towards the door.

  Awesome, the doctor is fucking here and unless he’s here to tell me I can go home, then he can turn right the hell around and go fuck off.

  “How are you feeling today, Chase?” he asks in the same chipper voice he uses every time he comes into my room.

  “Perfect. Amazing. Wonderful. Ready to go home. How about you, Doc?” I ask, barely taking my eyes off of Jordan.

  “I’m doing fantastic, Chase, thank you for asking.” Dr. Wallace is giving Jordan a questioning look, and when I look back towards her, I see her lightly shake her head no. This is the exact fucking reason I know I’m missing something because this isn’t the first time I’ve seen odd looks and hushed voices pass between the people that have been visiting me. There’s something that no one wants me to know and as much as I hate feeling left out, I can’t get over the alarming sensation that I don’t want to know.

  “How’s your visit going with Jordan?”

  Visit? That’s an odd choice of words seeing as she’s my wife. I glance back and forth between them. Whether it makes me a coward or not, I just want him to fucking leave, to leave us both alone so that I can make good on my promise to her.

  “We’re fine. I’m doing fine. Again, I’m ready to go home,” I say a little more firmly, hoping he gets my point.

  “I know you are, Chase, and I want you to go home. I just want to make sure your head is completely healed, that’s all.”

  “What did my scan show?” He said he’d have the results first thing today but he hasn’t shared them yet.

  “Your scan looks good, Chase. I’ll tell you what. How about you talk to a colleague of mine, set up a rapport with him, and then I’ll sign off on your release papers.”

  I’m already shaking my head no. The words talk and rapport is bullshit code for talking to a fucking shrink, and that’s not going to happen. Fuck him for even suggesting it. When I’m about to tell the prick exactly what I think of his idea, Jordan speaks up, halting my response.

  “Please, Chase, talk to this doctor. Do whatever you need to do to be healthy
enough to go home.” Her eyes are pleading with me to do what I’ve been asked.

  I fight the urge to smile because I know there isn’t anything this woman could ask me that I wouldn’t do for her, which now includes talking to a quack doctor.

  “Okay. I’ll talk to him, but you better start working on those release papers.”

  “If you’re willing to talk to him then absolutely. Jordan, could I have a word with you?”

  My heart speeds up as a panic sets in at the idea of Jordan leaving. “NO!” I shout. “I mean, I don’t want her to go.” They both appear shocked at my desperate outburst, but I don’t care. I have this sinking feeling that if I’m not careful Jordan could disappear from my life and I may never see her again.

  My heart continues to beat wildly in my chest while I wait for her to agree not to leave me. Jordan looks sad as she turns away from me. Dr. Wallace motions for someone by the door to come in. Seconds later, I see Jake and my nurse push past them.

  “Well, you can fuck me sideways, dude. I haven’t seen you look this happy in...well, a long fucking time.” Jake plops down in the chair next to my bed while Jordan and Dr. Wallace move even closer to the door.

  “Jake, I’m going to step outside with Jordan for a second. Why don’t you stay with Chase until we get back.”

  Before I have a chance to protest, Jordan is gone and I see the nurse shooting something into my IV. My fear, irrational or otherwise, takes over as I feel whatever crap that woman gave me already taking effect.

  “Jake,” I desperately plead his name until he jumps to his feet then moves to stand over me. “Make sure she doesn’t leave. Make sure whatever happens, she’s here when I wake up. Please.”

  Jake, who is always a comedian, turns serious when he hears my request. I think he can see and hear my fear and knows now is not the time to joke around.

  “I promise. No matter what, she’ll be here.”

  Hearing him and knowing that Jake never makes a promise he doesn’t keep allows me to relax. Whatever drug the nurse gave me lulls me away from Jake and into a world where everything is peaceful.