Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

“I looked at your medical file and, personally, Chase, I find it questionable if you should have been playing football in the first place. When you hit your head, you didn’t just suffer from a normal concussion, you had severe swelling in the cerebellum of your brain. It’s uncommon but not unheard of that patients wake with thoughts that aren’t real, but convincing a patient otherwise sometimes does more harm than good. Typically, in cases like yours, once the swelling is completely gone, their memory returns. Your CT scans show your swelling is virtually gone, which leads me to believe your memory will return in full if it hasn’t already. Some things may never be completely clear, but otherwise, I believe you’ll be fine.”

  I desperately want to leave this room. I don’t want to hear how playing football, something I’ve done all of my life, is the reason I’m messed up, even though I know that’s not completely true. But football is all I have and right now I don’t even have that.

  “Chase, the first time you woke up, you asked for Jordan, and then you proceeded to call her your wife. When your father corrected you, you got beyond upset and had to be sedated. Do you remember any of that?”

  My stomach drops. “No.” I don’t have any memory of any of them telling me I was wrong, that Jordan and I weren’t together anymore.

  “Dr. Wallace asked my opinion on how to handle the situation if you woke up again believing Jordan was your wife. I reviewed your file and I saw the monitor reports from when you had to be sedated. Your blood pressure skyrocketed. My advice was not to upset you again, to allow your memory to return on its own when you were ready to process reality. I was the one who told them to go along with you and the reality you believed you lived in.”

  Is he expecting me to be grateful? If anything, he makes me sound even crazier, and I didn’t think that was possible.

  “When you kept insisting that Jordan was your wife, I asked your mother if there was any way this woman could come and see you. I had hoped it would spark your memory. From what I was told, you hadn’t seen her in ten years; therefore, she had to look different.”

  She did look different. She’s an alluring version of the girl I once knew, but she’s not mine, and she let me think otherwise. Instead, I’m dating a groupie who will do anything to be with someone that has money and fame.

  After the day Jordan left, Carrie—whoever she is—tried to act like we were in a committed relationship, but no one other than Jake knew who the hell she was. I hadn’t introduced her to my parents because Jake said ‘She’s not that kind of girl,’ therefore, she wasn’t allowed to see me when I was in the hospital.

  After I kicked everyone out, she kept coming back, trying to entice me back in to our relationship, but I wasn’t interested. Everything about Carrie seems fake and after the last few weeks, I need real in my life in the worse possible way.

  “Chase, do you have any idea why you thought Jordan was a part of your life? After ten years of not once seeing her why she’s the person you wanted when you woke up?”

  I’m still not looking at him and I have no plans to answer his question. “Let me ask you this, Chase. Outside of your family, have you ever loved someone? Have you ever been in love?”

  My eyes snap to his. “I didn’t have time for love. I had football, and now I might not even have that.” I close my eyes in pain. Shit, this asshole is good. I didn’t mean to say any of that out loud.

  “You sacrificed love for sport?” he asks with one eyebrow cocked.

  “Football isn’t a sport, it’s my career ...it’s my life”

  “Chase, who told you it had to be one or the other?” My father. My coach. Anyone who ever wanted to ensure I was on my A-game. Women are for satisfying a need but other than that, I should steer clear of them. After I gave up Jordan, it was easy to do, because I never met a girl that I even considered dating.

  “There are plenty of happily married athletes. Why should you be any different?”

  Again, I ignore him. “Chase, I don’t expect you to answer me, but I’m going to ask you, anyway. I want you to think about your answer and when you come back for your next appointment, I want you to answer me.”

  Slowly, I move my eyes back to his. “When you found out that you weren’t actually married to Jordan, that you’d never been married to her, were you relieved or were you upset? You claim to be mad at Jordan but do you think you’re actually mad that you gave her up? That you gave up a life that you clearly wanted with her?” Dr. Stein pauses again, waiting for me to say something, but I cast my eyes down to the floor, wishing I was anywhere but stuck in this room.

  “Maybe you aren’t mad that she fooled you—lied to you, as you like to say—I think it’s possible that your anger stems from the fact that she doesn’t actually belong to you. Think about that, Chase, and when you get here on Thursday we’re going to start where we just left off.”

  I get up and leave before he can say anything else. I’m pissed, plain and simple. Why does everyone have to know every single detail of my life?

  When I arrive home, Jake’s car is in the driveway but I don’t see him. I find him on my couch, eating my food and watching my TV. I’m pissed at him, too, but he’s the only one that doesn’t seem to give a damn.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask as I toss my keys on the table.

  “Watching TV. Where have you been?”

  “Doctor.”

  “Ah, I see. How is Dr. Feels doing? Did he have you spilling your guts?” He chuckles.

  Shit, it’s hard to stay pissed at a guy that tries so fucking hard to make everyone laugh. “No, at least not how he’s been hoping.”

  Minutes pass as we both watch some crap television then Jake makes another attempt to get me to talk. “Have you put your mother out of her misery and started talking to her again?” he asks without taking his eyes off the TV.

  “I’m not really talking to anyone but you don’t seem to take the hint.”

  Jake turns towards me and gives me an amused smile before looking back at the TV. I feel like I know Jake really well. At least, I don’t think that I’ve blocked anything out regarding him, and right now, I’m not sure what he finds entertaining.

  “What?” I snap.

  His eyebrows go up as he gives me another shit-eating grin. “Nothing. At least, nothing you want to hear, and if you’re not going to listen, then I’m not going to waste my time talking.”

  Jake is pushing my buttons and we both know it. I could give him the cold shoulder but the bastard wouldn’t care, which would only piss me off further.

  “Okay, wise guy, what do I need to hear?”

  He laughs while shaking his head at me. “Okay, let’s do this,” he says, rubbing his hands together. “From the day I met you, I’ve always liked you. You’re down to earth, you never brag about how amazing you are, even though you have every right to, but instead you’re humble. You treat everyone that crosses your path with respect but lately that hasn’t been the case. Lately, you’re narcissistic and your perspective and attitude is downright shitty.”

  I’m taken aback by his comment, and while I’m sitting here processing what he just said, he turns back and starts watching TV again like he didn’t just verbally attack me.

  “Oh, by the way, Carrie was banging on your door when I got here. She said she came by because you’re not answering her calls. I told her she should clue in. That you don’t want to talk to her. But, frankly, I don’t think she’s smart enough to understand what I meant. Well, I should get going.” Jake hops to his feet and starts heading to the door.

  I quickly stand up and start following him. “Did you really mean what you said?”

  Jake laughs. “Absolutely. Carrie has to be one of the dumbest chicks I’ve ever met. You only kept her around for one reason. I heard from a few guys on the team that she does deliver a good time, though ...so there’s that.”

  I don’t think it’s possible for Jake to be serious for more than a few seconds at a time, but I don’t like what he said, and if h
e really feels that way, I want to know.

  “No, about me. Did you really mean what you said?”

  Jake’s demeanor changes and it seems he’s back to being serious. “Chase, have you stopped and thought about how unfair you’re being to everyone else? You’re the one that woke up with your memory out of whack and everyone was told to go along with it. If I were you, I would be asking myself why I woke up thinking I was married to a woman I hadn’t seen in over ten years but couldn’t remember the girl I was fucking on and off for the last six months.” My stomach drops hearing his statement.

  “I’m not sure if you remember this or not, but one night a few years ago when you were drunk off your ass, you mentioned how you messed up the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You never told me her name, but I’m assuming you were talking about Jordan, and if you keep this shit up, then one day very soon you’re going to be telling the same story. That girl dropped everything in her life to be here for you and I saw firsthand the welcome wagon she was greeted with. I just hope when you stop throwing yourself this pity party it’s not too late.”

  Fuck, why did I ask him? I knew Jake wasn’t going to tip toe around about what he thinks. And I guess a part of me feels like shit that I haven’t stopped to consider what I would have done if I was in their shoes. They didn’t set out to be dishonest; I accidentally set them up to take a fall and now I’m punishing them for it.

  The truth is I’m ashamed of a lot of things. I’m ashamed that I listened to my dad and broke up with Jordan. I’m ashamed of how I’ve lived my life for the last ten years, and I’m ashamed of how little I have to show for myself. Other than a lot of money, I have nothing that really matters in life. Jake and my parents are the only people that aren’t around me for what I provide for them. Well, I don’t think I can say the same about my dad. He might not want money, but he’s never wanted me to do anything except play ball.

  “I think it’s already too late. I listened to my parents and I ruined us.”

  Jake slowly shakes his head like he’s baffled by me. “Dude, I know you’re having problems with your memory but are you honestly telling me the woman you spent a week with acted like anything was ruined?” I breathe out a frustrated sigh.

  “Chase, if you ruined anything, it’s because you let her walk out your door while Carrie was attached to your arm. I may not be a pro at relationships but even I know that wasn’t a smart move.”

  Everything was blurred when Jordan walked out of my house. That fog that had settled in my brain was trying to clear and all I heard was dad’s voice, of course. “You’re not married to her.” I suddenly felt like a fool.

  All of the things I had said to her, believing I had cheated on her, none of it was real, and I was a cross between being embarrassed and pissed thinking I was just a big joke to the people I care the most about.

  “I’m not with Carrie!” I holler to Jake, who is half way out my door.

  “Yeah, asshole, I know this but there’s a person that doesn’t and that’s what counts.”

  I want to call her, I want to hear her voice, but I’m so fucking afraid that Jordan will reject me, and she has every reason in the world to. I may have only been eighteen but I knew what she meant to me, and I didn’t fight for her, for us.

  “I’ve gotta go, but give me a call when you pull your head out of your ass. I’m sure it’s been up there long enough that even you have to smell it by now.”

  I don’t know what I should do, but I know I’m sick of feeling this way. It’s the same way I felt ten years ago, the same feeling that started me on a path that almost ended my life.

  JORDAN

  “Do you think we should get married before we start college or wait until after?” When Chase talks about us getting married, he always says when, not if.

  “I don’t think your dad will be okay with us getting married, especially not any time soon,” I say in a weak voice.

  “Well, it’s not up to him. We love each other and I know I’ll never love anyone else the way I love you, so why should we wait?”

  The closer we get to graduation, the more Chase has been talking about getting married. I would love to follow him to Ohio State but I’ve already been accepted into NYU’s business program and have everything set up for my fall semester.

  “Chase, you don’t have to marry me to keep me. But, if you let me, I’ll love you forever.”

  “I’ll always want you and I plan to make you the happiest woman alive.”

  “You already have,” I whisper as he wraps me up tight in his arms.

  I’ve tried everything under the sun to keep myself busy today but nothing has worked. My mind keeps wandering to him. Today is November 21st, Chase’s twenty-ninth birthday. He’s probably out celebrating with his girlfriend. Argh, I can’t believe I was dumb enough to allow myself to be hurt by him again.

  After almost six weeks without a cell phone, I broke down and bought a new one, which is currently buzzing with a text.

  Lacey: Drinks tonight at Club Zen. Next weekend I’ll be in hell so I need tonight to last me awhile.

  Lacey has amazing parents but her relationship with her three older sisters is less than desirable. When it comes to the Davis sisters, they’re always out to one up the other one, which makes for entertaining holidays. Well, entertaining to everyone that doesn’t have the last name Davis, that is.

  Two years ago, when my parents went on a cruise over Thanksgiving, I went home with Lacey and had one of the most memorable holidays I’ll ever have. Lori, the oldest Davis sister, told her three younger siblings that none of them are capable of holding their alcohol as good as she can. Three bottles of vodka later, Jena was declared the winner because she was the only one that was able to recite the alphabet without messing up. For me, Thanksgiving morning was almost as hilarious as the night before when Mrs. Davis’s four daughters were taking turns in the bathroom getting sick, thanks to the delicious smelling turkey.

  Lacey acts like she can’t stand her sisters, but deep down, no matter how crazy they behave, I know she loves them. Being an only child myself, I would love to have someone to bicker with at family holidays, and I remind Lacey of that every time she complains.

  Me: Okay. I’ll be there by ten.

  I was hoping earlier this week that Caleb would ask me to do something tonight to keep my mind on more satisfying things, but he’s working on a case that Lacey wasn’t assigned, and from the sounds of it, it’s turning out to be bigger than they originally thought. Being the low man in the group, Caleb had no idea how late he was going to work and didn’t want to disappoint me by canceling at the last minute.

  During the last couple of weeks, Caleb and I have gone out on three official dates, but a day hasn’t passed since I purchased my phone that he hasn’t called or text me, and I’m discovering how much I really like him. There’s just one small problem ...I don’t feel any magic when we’re together. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, and he’s extremely attractive. I think if I would have met him before I went to Arizona then I would be head over heels in lust with the idea of him already, but sadly, that’s not the case.

  I do like him, and I wish I liked him more, which is why I’m not throwing the towel in yet. If I’ve learned anything from Chase, it’s that love can hurt, and it’s not always equal. For now, I’m okay with how much Caleb seems to like me. Hopefully, with time, my feelings for him will grow into something more.

  CHASE

  I come awake when I hear someone pounding on my door. I roll over and have to force my stomach to calm before I get sick.

  Bang bang bang!

  “Hold the fuck up. I’m coming,” I shout loud enough that whoever is at my door can hear me. My driveway is guarded by a gate that requires a passcode to open, which means whoever is here is someone I know.

  I rub my hands over my face and slowly make my way to the door. Without looking through the glass, I yank the door open only to groan in frustration. “What the hell do
you want?”

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” Carrie purrs in a childlike voice.

  “What’s wrong is you’re banging on my fucking door uninvited.” Carrie sticks her bottom lip out, thinking she looks cute.

  “You used to love it when I stopped by to see you.” She smiles, trying to look sexy. “Let me come in and I’ll make all of your problems go away.” She takes a step forward as I put my hand up to stop her.

  “Look, I’m trying to be nice here. Clearly we had fun, but whatever we shared is over. You need to move on and leave me the hell alone.” My voice is firm and I’ve lost what little patience I had with this chick. Outside of her smokin’ body and huge rack, I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would have entertained the idea of more than one night with her. She has greed written all over her.

  “What are you talking about? We’re dating; you can’t just kick me out of your life?” Her words feel like a punch to the stomach.

  “Yes, I can. Apparently, I’m a pro at kicking people out of my life.” Her eyes widen as panic sets in. “We’re over. I don’t want to see you again. Now get the fuck off my property,” I tell her as her mouth drops open as I slam the door shut.

  I turn and head back to my bedroom with hopes of dying in peace. I no sooner crawl back in my bed when I hear my doorbell ring again.

  “Fuck you,” I shout as my brain continues to pulse in my head. Carrie must be really fucking determined because she’s alternating between banging on my door and ringing the bell. With as much effort as I can muster, I push myself off the bed and head to the front door.

  “Open this damn door right now!” Fuck me, it’s not Carrie ...it’s my mother. I’ve been avoiding her and most of the world for almost two weeks now, but she’s obviously here to check up on me, and I know she won’t leave until she’s seen me.

  I open my front door to a very small but very angry woman. Donna Adams is a gentle woman that wouldn’t hurt a fly, but at the moment, I’m not sure that’s true, especially after she looks me over from head to toe.