Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

“Wow, Captain Obvious, nothing gets past you.”

  “You don’t have to be a bitch, it was just a question.”

  “I wasn’t being a bitch. When you ask a stupid question expect to get a stupid answer, jackass.”

  “Jackass? That is not the name you were screaming a little while ago.” At some point my laugher faded away, but after Jake’s last remark, it returns in full force, causing both of them to stop and look back down at me still lying on the floor.

  “Holy shit. You’re fucking?” I curl up in a ball, still laughing at the fact that mine and Chase’s best friends are screwing. “Fuck ...ing. Fucking. Fucking. Have you ever noticed how funny that word sounds? Fu ...ck ...ing.”

  “What the hell have you been doing, Jordan Michelle Taylor?” Lacey firmly ask as the two of them help me off the floor.

  “I had nothing to lose at Nothing to Lose.” Of course I burst out laughing again. Lacey doesn’t find anything funny but I see Jake fighting off a smile. Once I stop laughing, I walk over to Lacey’s couch and sit down.

  “Earlier today, I had everything. Then I had nothing. Again. After having nothing, I decided I should take a walk, but then I got cold and I stopped when I was at Nothing to Lose.”

  Lacey’s patience is gone. “How in the fuck does that tell me a goddamn thing?” she screams.

  “Hold up,” Jake says.

  Thankfully, Lacey turns her evil stare back towards him. “Oh, shut it.” Lacey looks back towards me. “Jordan, babe, tell me how four hours ago I got a call from your dad looking for you translates into you taking a walk in five-inch heels without a jacket or a phone?”

  As Lacey’s words settle in, I sober up quite a bit. Four hours ago? I’ve been drinking by myself for four hours? And holy shit, I forgot all about my dad coming into the city. Trying my best not to fucking cry, I look Lace directly in the eyes and give it to her straight.

  “He did it again.” Without another word, Lacey understands exactly what I’m saying.

  “Oh shit,” she says, giving me a sad look.

  “Who did what?” Jake questions.

  Lacey turns to him and sighs. “I think you need to leave.” Even drunk, I can tell by the way Jake is looking at Lacey that he really likes her. And right now he seems shocked and maybe even pissed that she’s kicking him out.

  “Why? What’s going on?” he tries again.

  “Go ask Chase. He did this.” I look up to see Lacey waving a hand in my general direction.

  “What?” Jake’s voice is soft, almost forgiving.

  There was a time when I thought Jake Girard was an egotistical jerk, but once he melts a few of his outside layers, I was able to see there’s a lot under the surface. A lot like Lacey. Maybe that’s why they are having some sort of secret affair.

  “Okay, fine. I’ll go check on him.” He grabs his coat but once he makes it to the door, he turns back towards Lacey and the brilliant smile he shines towards her has my heart completely sold on Jake.

  “I’ll call ya later.”

  Lacey, however, must not be as sold. “Yeah, whatever.”

  Jakes smirks then leaves. Now that we’re alone, I can’t keep my tears from falling. Lacey moves over and squeezes next to me, never once asking me to say a word. When I finally settle down, I accidentally do a weird hiccup slash burp that has me in another fit of laughter.

  “If I recall correctly, I was told not too long ago that drinking away my problems probably isn’t the best idea.”

  I start nodding my head in agreement. “You’re right. Unlike you, I didn’t actually set out to get drunk.”

  Lacey just rolls her eyes. “The end result is all the same. Plus, I agree it’s a dangerous way to self-medicate.”

  We’re both sitting on her couch, not saying a word. To me it feels like the day is stuck on repeat. Happy. Pissed. Devastated. Then lost.

  “Do you think you can make it to my bedroom by yourself?” I slowly stand up then I start walking down the hall. “I’m going to call your dad and let him know you’re okay.”

  I don’t even answer; I just keep walking until I find her bedroom. I grab an old tee out of her dresser while tossing all of my clothing off, then I fall down on her bed and moments later everything goes dark.

  “How’s she feeling?”

  “I don’t know. She hasn’t gotten out of bed yet.”

  “She’s damn lucky I’m not able to punish her anymore for the stunt she pulled.” Shit. That’s my father, and he’s obviously not happy with me.

  “If it matters much, I don’t think she set out to get drunk and make us worry about her.”

  I hear an exaggerated sigh come from my dad. “I know. Yesterday was a flashback to a time we all would rather not remember.”

  I quickly dig around for a pair of shorts then I head out to Lacey’s living room. “I’m sorry. God, Dad, I’m so sorry.” He stands up and I run into his arms, where he wraps me up tight. All of the stress and anger from yesterday slowly releases.

  My dad pulls away from me then looks me directly in the eyes. “You’re going to be fine. No matter what happens, you’ll be fine.” I wish I shared the same confidence in myself, but with my parents and Lacey by my side, I’m sure I’ll bounce back, just not to the person I was yesterday morning—while I still had a life with Chase.

  “Come home with me. Your mother will be back tonight. Stay a few days and get your head back on straight.”

  When we were kids, I knew I loved Chase, but I didn’t really know what I was missing when he left. We were just kids. We didn’t get to spend every day together, we didn’t get to practically live with each other, but now I know. I’ve basically been living with him for the last month. Getting my head back on straight now holds a whole new meaning.

  CHASE

  I waited for what seemed like forever for Jordan to return home. I wanted to tell her I was a moron and beg her to forgive me. I don’t have a phone and Jordan left hers at home, which leaves me stuck doing nothing but waiting.

  I’m sitting in the chair closest to the front door, hoping I will hear her return home when I finally fall asleep. I come awake when I hear someone knocking but it wasn’t Jordan, it was Jake.

  I swing the door open wide with a sigh then head back to my chair.

  Jake steps into my apartment with a strange look on his face. He’s watching me like he’s waiting on me to say something, but I’m not about to tell a man that jumped on a plane and flew across the country to ensure my relationship to the only woman I’ve ever loved stayed intact from Carrie’s lies that I fucked everything up.

  “I don’t share when I’m not asked to ...often, but now seems very fitting.” He swallows then gives me a serious look—a look I haven’t seen on Jake but a few times. “Did I ever tell you about how I was engaged once?”

  My whole body goes solid at his words. Jake is Mr. Carefree. Women are fun and the second they want more he’s gone. “We were in college. I was in love, or so I thought at the time. Classic story, really. I come home early and catch her in bed with a teammate of mine. He was two years older and already looking to be a first-round draft pick, and I guess she didn’t want to wait me out.”

  I have no idea why Jake has decided to share, but I know he’s acting more serious now than I can ever remember him being. “I thought I was in love, but actually she was just a good looking girl that was trying to ensure she got where she wanted in life. Nothing about our relationship was real and I was too stupid to realize it at the time.

  “She scarred me. Without a fucking doubt she left her mark, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want that. A woman, a healthy relationship, and, God willing, maybe a family that we’d share together. Now . . .” He nervously clears his throat. “Now I walk around with that scar, looking at a woman with guarded eyes. Fake? They’re gone. Needy? Gone. Weak? Gone. Whether I realize it or not, I put every woman I meet through my own personal Jake Girard test, and you want to know something?”

  “Um . . .” I barely mu
mble before he gives me his kill shot.

  “You’re girl passed. From the second I met her, she passed.”

  My eyes go wide at his statement. Out of all the days he would come back to my place and tell me this, it has to be today?

  “Jordan has class and, yeah, that class might be worlds above yours, but for whatever fucking reason, you’re the man she wants. So, why in the world do you continue to toss her away?”

  “I...” I’m caught off guard by his question. I knew his demeanor was off when he came here, but fuck me. I did not expect him to already know how badly I screwed things up.

  “I know. I fucked up. I’m waiting for her to come home so I can hopefully fix it.”

  A very sarcastic laugh rumbles from Jake. “Not tonight you won’t, buddy. After whatever the fuck you did to her, she wandered around the city and finally showed up at Lacey’s place wasted. Wasted. No coat, no cell phone, and she claims she took a fucking cab there.”

  Holy shit. How in the hell could she have been so stupid? My anger at myself heightens. She never would have gone out without me if I hadn’t given her a reason to.

  “Let her sleep it off. Then make sure you pull your head out of your ass and fix this. Most people don’t get a shot at what you have with Jordan and you somehow managed to have it handed to you a few times. If you don’t fix it now ...I doubt you’ll get another chance.”

  After Jake shuts the door to my guest room, a light goes off in my head. Why in the hell was he at Lacey’s apartment? To the best of my knowledge, the two of them have only been in the same room twice and neither time did either of them act like they were really fond of the other one.

  I guess after Jake’s announcement tonight I don’t know him as well as I originally thought, but he’s still a good friend; a friend that I’m going to start putting a lot more effort towards.

  I need to purchase a new phone but right now, I’m being sneaky. Jake is in the shower but he left his phone in my guest room. I’ve watched him unlock his phone hundreds of times so guessing his password was easy.

  I scroll through his contacts but I don’t see Lacey’s name. I was just about to give up when I see a contact that he called yesterday named Davis. I’m struggling to remember if that’s Lacey’s last name but I’m fairly certain it is. Plus, he called this person shortly after he left my place and I know at some point he was there.

  The phone barely rings before she picks up. “Yes, you have an enormous cock, but no I do not have the time to put up with your obnoxious ass right now.” Oh. Fuck. Yes, that is most definitely Lacey on the phone. She’s never been my biggest fan and right now I’m only going to add to that.

  “Hey, Lacey, it’s me, Chase. I was hoping I could talk to Jordan.”

  The phone goes dead silent, to the point that I pull the phone away from my ear to see if she hung up on me. “Hello? Lacey?”

  I can hear her clear her throat, then she gives me the hell I expected. “I’m sorry. When the caller ID says your arrogant ass friend is the one calling it threw me off. I have to switch from one pompous jerk to the other one. I apologize it took me a second. Now back to the question. Did you actually ask me if you could talk to Jordan? The same woman you once again just threw out when it suited you?”

  Lacey loves to throw around her comments, but she’s just as arrogant and rude as any man I’ve ever met. But I’ve seen firsthand how much she cares for my girl and that’s the only reason I’ve never called her out on her crap. That and it’s helped that she hasn’t had a reason to yell at me lately.

  “I take it that was your rude and bossy way of saying no?”

  I can hear her mumbling all sorts of crap to the point that I stop listening until she finally says something that catches my ear. “ ...she’s not here.”

  “Wait. What? Jake said she was with you.”

  “She was, fuck face, but that was last night. She left with her dad.”

  Her dad. Of course ...and I would bet my firstborn child, a child I plan to have with Jordan, that she’s gone back to her parents’ house because I know neither of them are at her apartment. I can’t leave her alone to stew on what I said. I was wrong. I know that and it’s time that Jordan does, too. If it’s a requirement that I make a complete fool out myself in front of Doug and Janette, then so be it.

  JORDAN

  Will there ever be a day when I don’t love you?

  My eyes startle open. I look around, remembering I’m at my parents’ house, and then the reality of why I’m here sinks in.

  I called Silvia yesterday morning, which was thankfully Friday, and told her I wasn’t coming in until next week. If the board wants another meeting then they were going to have it without me.

  I get up, grab the sweat pants and shirt of my mother’s I wore around last night, then head down to the kitchen for coffee. As I pass my parents’ room, I hear my mom let out a soft giggle. That right there is what I want. Not just someone to spend my life with, but someone that makes me laugh, someone who can’t wait for me to come home at the end of the day, someone who looks at me like I’m their whole world, and someone that loves me enough not to give up.

  I almost had that with Chase ...almost.

  After pouring a cup of coffee, I put on a jacket and sit outside on their porch, looking at the bitterly cold water moving in the ocean. My thoughts from the day before, no matter how much I don’t want to think about them, are on repeat.

  If you aren’t with me, then you’ll be fine.

  How could he say that? My breath catches as a lone tear slides down my face. Without him, how can I ever be fine? Today I’m going to allow myself to cry, then I’m heading back into the city, move if I have to, then I . . .

  My thoughts shut down when I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn and seconds go by before I realize I’m holding my breath.

  Standing on the edge of my parents’ porch is Chase, and he looks like he spent the last day the same way I have: completely miserable.

  I haven’t said a word, but he slowly makes his way over to me then sits in the chair beside me, looking out at the water.

  “The last time we sat here and watched waves together, it was quite a bit warmer.”

  I don’t give any indication that I heard him and after a few moments of silence, he tries again. “There are only two people in the world I would die for before I allowed anything to happen to them ...you and my Ma. Right now, Ma’s life is shattered and there’s not a thing I can do to fix it. Then you talk about the possibility of losing your job because of me. Well, I thought I could fix that. I never want anything bad to happen to you but in that moment, I wasn’t able to see the big picture. That letting you go would hurt more. I’ll spend the rest of my life a lonely bastard without you, but I struggle to remember that you love me the same way.

  “My Ma, I know she loves me, but she didn’t always show it the way your parents do. My dad controlled everything, including how we expressed our emotions. Sometimes it was easy to forget that she cared.”

  I hate that for him. Even now, as angry as I am, I hate that he wasn’t loved the way every child should be.

  “I’m sorry I freaked out. As much as I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to hurt you, either. I might have been a professional football player, I might have the money I need to provide for you, but I also have it in my head that I’m not good enough for you. I’m a recovering drug addict that’s been in the tabloids twice this week for shit that could blow back on you. And I did those things, the things that brought that kind of attention. I’m not innocent. I didn’t get Carrie pregnant, but I still allowed her into my life.”

  I’m chewing on my lip, not really sure what I should say. “But I feel innocent when I’m with you. I’ve never done anything stupid or crazy when I’ve had you by my side. You ground me; you give me the peace I didn’t even realize I was looking for, a peace I can only find with you.”

  He’s saying everything I want to hear, but how long will this las
t? The past has shown that Chase handles things by leaving, and my heart isn’t capable of withstanding yet another goodbye.

  Chase stands up and reaches out, snagging my hand then pulling me to my feet. With his other hand, he takes my coffee and sets it down on the porch rail and then leads me down the steps and out onto the beach.

  We start walking, to where, I have no idea, but my parents’ house is quite a distance away when he finally stops and turns me in front of him.

  “I don’t deserve you. I don’t think the day will ever come when I believe otherwise. But I know my life isn’t worth a damn without you in it.”

  Chase is staring me directly in the eyes as he slowly drops down to one knee. My eyes go wide when I realize what he’s about to do. “From the second I moved to New York, I’ve wanted to ask you this, but I was afraid you weren’t ready. I was afraid if I asked too soon I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted.

  “I’ve learned a lot in the last ten years, most of it is what not to do, but still I learned.

  “I learned not to depend on something to make it through the day. I learned trust and love don’t always go hand in hand. And I learned that my life would never be complete without you in it.

  “Jordan Michelle Taylor, if you give me the chance, I will spend the rest of my life by your side. I will spend the rest of my life building you up and never tearing you down. Together we will have the most remarkable family because it will be ours. My heart belongs to you and yours belongs to me, and it’s time for us to make it official.”

  “Um.” My mind is still spinning from his unexpected proposal. I look down at my hand and I see Chase has a large princess cut diamond set in a platinum band waiting at the end of my ring finger. He didn’t just come here to ask me to forgive him and then decide at the last minute to propose. He came here to do exactly this.

  “I was a jackass yesterday. I thought if I was gone, your problem would be gone, but I’m done with that. Together we’re going to face problems, but the problems we’ll face being apart are a thousand times worse. I know that now—hell, I knew that yesterday, but I freaked. No matter what happens, I’m never going to walk away from you again. We’re a team and if you say yes, we always will be.”