Living With Regret
Page 23
I should be mad, but at the same time, I don’t want to hold on to my anger anymore. I should walk away, but I don’t want my heart to be empty again, which is why I say the only thing my heart will allow me to. “Yes, but . . .”
A brilliant smile crosses Chase’s beautiful face as he pushes the ring up my finger, then he jumps to his feet and lowers his mouth to mine.
“No, no buts. I get it. I’m done acting like a jackass. Good or bad, you’re stuck with me. God, I love you so much, Jordan. I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you’re the happiest woman alive.”
I’ve learned a lot in the last ten years, but the biggest lesson I learned is love isn’t easy. Love isn’t always the picture perfect, happily ever after that girls dream about. Love is often complicated, messy, and sometimes unforgiving. But if given the chance, with the right person, love can complete you.
That’s what I’ve been searching for, the thing I’ve only ever found with Chase. I don’t need the perfect relationship. I don’t need a fancy house filled with extravagant things. I want real, messy, unconditional yet powerful love. And I found that. Now, thanks to Chase, I’m going to keep it forever.
CHASE
SIX MONTHS LATER
From the time I was old enough to remember, my father was telling me I was put on this earth to do big things, and today is by far my biggest accomplishment. Today, I married my best friend, the woman I was put on earth to love and protect. And today is truly the start of our forever.
After Jordan agreed to marry me, our lives took a few bumpy turns. First, Jordan insisted that we go to counseling, both as a couple and as individuals. After all the hours I spent with Dr. Stein, I resisted the idea at first, but like usual, Jordan knew exactly what I needed. Following the Super Bowl, I did an interview where I told the public my personal story regarding my drug use.
My father had me convinced that I should go to my grave without ever talking about my addiction to anyone. However, between Jordan and our counselor, I began to feel a sense of relief.
For one, my story was out and not hanging over me like a black cloud. Another more amazing positive is how I’m using my experience to hopefully help others. I started The Drake Jones Foundation that allows college students and athletes that are struggling with addiction to seek—completely anonymous—counseling for drugs, alcohol or even to help with the undue stress that some feel they’re under.
When I was at Ohio State, I thought about seeking help but I was worried the school or, God forbid, my dad would find out, so I continued to hide it, which only made it worse. The foundation Jordan and I started, which is currently already open in two major cities, doesn’t require you to give your real name and is completely not-for-profit.
Before the foundation opened, I struggled with what to do regarding my role in Drake’s death. I honestly didn’t feel sitting in a jail cell for any amount of time would make a difference, other than hurt Jordan, but I still felt responsible. I decided to seek out Drake’s family and tell them what happened, but what I found was shocking. Drake’s mother was known for her own drug addiction. She died from an overdose when Drake was seventeen but not before he was addicted himself. For a very short period of time, Drake tried to straighten himself out, which is why he gave college a shot, but he was never able to stop using.
I now know from everything I’ve learned about Drake, he was going to need serious help if he ever kicked his addiction, help I wasn’t able to offer him at the time. With no known living relatives I had no one to ask forgiveness from, other than myself. In my heart I don’t think Drake would want me going to jail for what happened and I know I’ll never put myself in a position to harm someone like that again. Opening the foundation in his name felt like the best way to not only give back but to keep Drake’s memory alive.
My parents’ divorce was final at the beginning of March. My dad started out fighting my mom but after the interview I gave he stopped and gave her whatever she wanted, which was only her independence from him.
When I was playing for the Cardinals, my parents purchased a home in Phoenix but they kept our family home in Florida. Ma decided to stay in Phoenix with a group of women she’d made friends with, while my dad returned to his families’ citrus grove.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my dad in almost eight months. I think one day I’ll forgive him, but in the meantime, I’ve let go of my anger regarding him and everything he’s done. I think deep down he’s a good person that only wanted the best for me; he just went about it the wrong way.
Right now, however, my bride and I have just returned to our honeymoon suite in Honolulu where we were married.
“Thank you for today.”
“Thank you?” Jordan is standing in front of me in the strapless white dress that she wore in front of our closest friends and family. I’ve been dying to get her out of this thing ever since I laid eyes on her. “You might have been mine for a while, but today you officially became mine, so thank you,” I add with a huge smile on my face.
Jordan’s eyes go soft. “I’ve belonged to you for almost thirteen years. Maybe I should be thanking you for finally becoming mine.”
The lust and desire I see in her eyes are as strong as ever. I tug her close to me and my mouth finds her delicious neck. “Did you see them together today?” she says with a giggle in her voice.
Jordan’s remark causes me to slow my assault. “Remember what we agreed. No matter what trouble those two cause, we’re not getting involved.”
Jordan is referring to Jake and Lacey. Neither one of us are exactly sure what’s going on with those two other than that they hook up quite often. If it’s ever brought up in front of both or either of them, they laugh it off like they’re just using each other, but Jordan believes differently. She is convinced that they are secretly in love with each other but are too afraid to admit it. Until today, I thought Jordan was exaggerating their feelings because she wants her friend to be happy, but I saw the way Jake looked at Lacey, and it was unlike anything I’ve seen from him before. Who knows, maybe there is more going on between our friends. Either way, it’s not the topic I want to discuss on our wedding night.
“Agreed. We won’t get involved in their relationship, but let’s not worry about them right now. Tonight I just want to make my beautiful wife come as many times as possible.”
Jordan’s eyes find mine and I know she’s on board with my idea. “That sounds like a fantastic plan, husband.”
I brush her hair out of her face and stare into her blue eyes. “Stick around. I’m offering up a lifetime service just for you.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted. A lifetime with you.”
The End
First and foremost I want to thank my readers. Every friend and fan I’ve made along the way holds a special place in my heart.
I want to give a shout out to the ladies at S.A.S.S. who endlessly give up their time to help new authors get discovered. I’ll never be able to say thank you enough to this amazing group.
Edee Fallon, I don’t know what I would do without you. You are more then an editor to me. Our relationship has blossomed into a friendship, and it’s one that means a great deal to me.
Juliana Cabrera, I don’t think there’s anything you can’t design that I won’t love. Juliana doesn’t only design my wonderful covers she beautifully formats my books and answers my endless questions.
Katie Benson you have once again stepped up and read and reread Living With Regret. I love getting text from you, especially ones that have nothing to do with my books. I hope we have many more years of friendship.
I want to say a huge thank you to Judy Miracle with Wicked Babes Blog Reviews for beta reading for me. Your feedback was amazing.
I also want to thank Melissa from Booksmacked Book Blog. Not only did she do an amazing job helping me with the Living With Regret cover reveal, she’s spent endless amount of hours helping me promote not only this book, but my others as well.
I want to give a special thanks to Mandy Stevens who tells everyone she knows that her friend is an author. Mandy, I’ve known you since we were only five years old and I think you are simply fabulous.
“Oh, my God, she canceled.” Like normal, my mother’s voice screeches over everyone else’s. “That little bitch canceled less than ten minutes before we’re supposed to leave!”
“Leeta! Not in front of the children.” My mother’s arms flap around wildly in anger.
“James, we have to go now if we’re going to make it on time and we can’t take them.” Not that I need clarification, but her hand shoots out and points at my brother and me sitting on the sofa.
“I’ll call a neighbor to see if I can find someone to come over.”
Before my mother can start yelling again, a calm, peaceful voice speaks up. “I’ll stay with them.” Everyone in the room turns toward the beautiful lady with long black hair who mo-ments ago was snuggled up with my brother.
“Mandy, don’t be ridiculous. You don’t want to stay home with three kids.” My mother practically sneers her comment from across the room.
“Actually, Leeta, I was already feeling uneasy leaving Kate with someone I don’t know. Now that you’re asking random neighbors, I definitely feel uncomfortable. You three go and I’ll stay here.”
Uncle Marcus walks up to the soft-spoken lady. He looks at her in a way I’ve never seen my father look at my mother. “Mandy, are you sure you’re okay with this? I don’t have to go—”
“No. No. No. I’ll be fine. You go and enjoy the evening. You know how I feel about leaving Kate.”
“Okay, it’s settled. We need to get going or we’ll be late,” my mother yells, sounding every bit her normal, irritable self.
My dad picks up his keys from the table. “I left my car out front. We can just take it.”
“No!” I watch the soft-spoken woman wince at my mother’s crazy behavior. “Sweetheart, we should take the Mercedes. I had it detailed for tonight.”
My father, who for the most part tolerates my mother’s rude behavior, seems miffed at how she is acting. “My Jag is out front, Leeta. Like you said, we’re already running late. There’s no reason to take your car. Now let’s go.”
My mother is shocked stupid, apparent by her gaping mouth and wide eyes. She almost looks like she has seen a ghost. My father gives her a solid push on her back then my parents and Marcus quickly head out the front door. I stay in the same spot on the sofa, closely watching the woman we have been left with. She’s smiling at the two of us, almost like she is happier to stay here with us than go out with my parents.
“The time change is really messing up Kate’s sleeping schedule, but I bet she’ll be up from her nap any minute. What do you boys want to do when she gets up?”
I turn my head slowly toward my older brother Tanner and see he is just as uncertain of what to say as I am. I’m only eight years old, but I don’t remember my parents ever asking me what I want to do. As the two of us sit here not saying a word, I hear a little voice coming from a monitor.
“Just like I thought, Kate is awake. Stay here and I’ll be right back.”
Mandy pops up then takes off up the stairs, leaving both Tanner and I confused in her wake. I’ve never seen a person that acts concerned and caring before, which has my guard up.
“She seems...nice.” I live in a world where people come and go, and the ones that stick around aren’t usually nice unless they want something. I look over at Tanner, who seems just as unsure of this woman as I am, but I’m brought out of my thoughts when I hear her voice again.
“Okay, boys, I want you to meet my baby girl. This is Kate.” I can hear the pride in her voice as I turn away from Tanner and back toward Mandy. She’s once again smiling, only this time she’s carrying a little girl on her hip. A mass of blonde, wavy hair covers most of her shoulder while the girl keeps her face tucked tight against her mother. “She’s not quite awake yet,” Mandy says in a singsong voice as she slowly rocks the little girl back and forth. Maybe Mandy is genuinely nice, or at least it’s starting to appear that way. I watch as she starts softly singing a song that I can’t quite make out.
With her smile still in place, she looks down at her little girl. “Kate, can you say hello?”
My eyes stay locked on the little girl as she slowly lifts her head. When her eyes find mine, I feel a jolt through my whole body. Her eyes look like emeralds—a shade of green I’ve never seen on a person before.
“Her eyes...” I mumble as I feel my heartbeat thumping inside my chest.
“Kate’s eyes are very beautiful, but then again, I love everything about my little girl.” Man-dy’s eyes dance back and forth between Tanner and myself, like she’s waiting for one of us to say something.
“Well, what do you want to do? Play a board game? Go swimming? Are you two hungry? We can have an early dinner.”
Without thinking, I blurt out, “Why are you being nice to us?” Mandy pauses for a mo-ment, her beautiful smile fading into a frown.
“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
My eyes unconsciously narrow at her question, but Tanner speaks up to answer her. “Be-cause people aren’t nice unless they want something.”
Mandy’s eyes slowly drift shut. When they open again, I can see the fire in them. “Where I’m from, we’re nice to everyone because you treat others how you want to be treated. I’m nice to you because I expect you to treat me the same way.” Neither Tanner nor I say a word in re-turn. That’s definitely not how life works here.
“Maybe next summer you boys can come spend time in Colorado and we can get to know you better.”
Mandy’s warm smile returns, and at this point I’m positive I will go anywhere this lady asks me to. “Let me go get you guys a snack and then we’ll go swimming. Can you boys watch Kate for me while I grab something from the kitchen?”
Mandy kisses the little green-eyed girl on the forehead before placing her in a chair across from us then walks off.
I look over at Tanner, but like normal, he’s staring off, lost somewhere in his own head while he avoids our surroundings. I sneak another look at the little girl only to find her closely watching me. My heart speeds up again while I draw in a deep breath of air. I’m doing my best to shake off the strange feeling I have as I tear my eyes away from hers. Looking at her is the same as looking directly at the sun. It’s hard to do for more than a few seconds. I lean my head against the back of the couch and close my eyes. While I’m doing everything in my power to avoid looking at this little girl, she hops down out of her chair and climbs up next to me. I didn’t know this until she slips her small hand into mine and gives mine a firm squeeze.
I want to pull back. I meant to pull back, but her touch is soothing in a way I didn’t know was possible. My heart continues to beat against my chest as my mind starts to relax. I’m sit-ting here staring down at our connected hands when I hear her start to hum the same tune her mother had just a few moments ago.
When I finally gain the courage to look up, I find those emerald eyes burning into mine, but it’s the way Kate is smiling at me that I know I’ll never forget. Like maybe...just maybe, I matter to someone.