Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1)

by Alex Grayson

  My gaze continues to linger on Jaxon. He’s bent over the table to line up his shot. I may not be ready yet to have sex with him, but I can still appreciate the view. The man definitely has a nice backside, which is encased in a pair of faded ripped jeans again.

  Anna is working at the diner tonight. That’s why Nick is here and not with her. He leaves again in a few days so I know he would rather be with her.

  One thing I’ve noticed over the last few weeks is that Jaxon really enjoys playing pool. He doesn’t get a chance to play as often as he likes because of running the bar so when it’s slow he takes advantage. I’ve played with him several times. He had to teach me as I had never played before. It was really nice having Jaxon’s arms wrapped around me from behind and his firm chest pressed against my back as he showed me how to line up my shot and shoot.

  It’s getting harder and harder to resist Jaxon. Some parts of me want to fling caution to the wind and ask him to make love to me. Even so, other parts are still scared of how I’ll react. Will I see Steven or one of his friends above me instead of Jaxon? When it comes to the final step of Jaxon entering me will I feel the pain that I’ve only ever felt when it comes to sex? Will Jaxon look at me with disgust when he sees the battlefield of scars all over my body?

  I don’t know how much longer I can hold off. Jaxon’s been incredibly patient with me. Sometimes we’ll just kiss and snuggle into each other. But there are other times that Jaxon will gently explore my body. I haven’t allowed him to touch me underneath my clothing because I worry he’ll feel the puckered scars.

  I’ve also explored his body as well. I now know that his entire back and chest is covered in beautiful tattoos, along with full sleeves. I also know that both of his nipples are pierced. I actually had the pleasure of touching them, which he seems to like a lot.

  He never pushes me too far. As a matter of fact, he usually stops well before I start to feel uncomfortable. It’s frustrating at times because I want him to go farther, but I don’t know how to tell him. Other than the actual sex act itself and being leery of him seeing or feeling my body I don’t know what my limits are. He always stops before he gets to them. I do know that I want to see and touch more of his body.

  Even though he doesn’t push me I can tell that it’s taking a toll on him. If I get frustrated, I can only imagine the way Jaxon feels. He’s someone that’s used to the release sex gives him. When he’s with me, he’s not getting that release. I see the desire and heat in his eyes every time he pulls away. I want to give that to him but once again I don’t know how to tell him.

  While I’m still ogling Jaxon he looks up and catches me. He gives me a smile and a wink with his eye that holds the piercing. All the metal and ink that his body sports should intimidate and scare me. It does just the opposite. It’s different than what I’m used to and I think that’s what appeals the most. Steven is a straight laced lawyer and always wore the best of clothes and had every hair in place. He wanted the public to view him as perfect, while behind closed doors he was anything but. Jaxon doesn’t seem to care what others think of him and it shows with all the body art. I love and admire that about him.

  More people have started to appear and I know that it’s about to get busy. I walk over to the dishwasher and start unloading the glasses that are inside. Once that’s finished I walk over to the mini fridges and open it to take stock of what more we’ll need for the night. After making a list, I tell Mia that I’m going to the basement to grab more inventory.

  It’s dark and drafty down in the basement. It gives me the creeps. I don’t enjoy going down there so I try to work fast. I make my way over to the stacks of boxes that hold bottles of beer and start loading up crates to bring back up with me.

  About halfway through my list my back pocket begins to sing and vibrate. In my haste to be done with the eerie basement I hit the talk button without looking at the screen. I hold it between my shoulder and ear so I can still grab bottles while I talk.

  “Hello?”

  All I hear in return is a scratchy noise. Thinking that the reception is bad because I’m underground I repeat myself.

  “Hello?”

  Still nothing but the scratchy noise. Just before I hang up the annoying scratchy sound turns into barely audible murmurs. It sounds like the person is far away from the phone and I can’t understand what they are saying.

  I make my way closer to the stairs hoping that the signal will get better. The closer I get, the louder the murmuring gets until I freeze solid in my tracks.

  I know exactly what I’m listening to now. I’d know the voice from anywhere. It was a voice that used to make me happy when I heard it. And the words that the voice is saying are words that were said on a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life. Now the voice and words scare the daylights out of me.

  I stand there frozen in place, unable to move, and listen while Steven and I take our vows.

  “This ring is a token of my love. I marry you with this ring, with all that I have and all that I am.”

  The line goes quiet except for a rustling sound and I know that Steven is now placing the ring on my finger. After a few seconds, my voice comes through my phone.

  “I give you this ring as a visible and constant symbol of my promise to be with you as long as I live.”

  The voices stop and all I hear is silence. I’m still standing in place, but my knees are starting to shake. My palms are beginning to sweat and my breathing has become shallow.

  I hear more rustling over the phone before the real live voice of my husband rings in my ear.

  Quietly he says, “Do you remember that day, my pet? Do you remember what you said? You said you were mine until the day you die. He can’t have you. You’re mine and I’m ready to take back what’s mine.” And with that the line goes dead.

  I’m shaking so hard that my phone slips from my hand and drops to the floor. My knees buckle and I sink to the bottom step. Out of all the beatings and sexual abuse that came from my childhood and later as an adult, none of that compares to that one day. The one day that was supposed to be my happiest is now the absolute worse of my life. It was the day that I allowed Steven to take total control of my life.

  Looking back, I would have to say that our wedding night was the just the beginning of the change in him. The first time we had sex on our wedding night Steven put his hand around my throat and applied light pressure. It wasn’t enough to cut off my oxygen, but I did think it was strange because he had never done that before. I just figured he got caught up in the moment.

  Since that night, he did it more and more often. It was the little things that should have clued me in to the darker side of Steven. He would pull my hair a little harder than usual. He would whisper in my ear and ask if I thought a particular man was good looking. There were several times when he would try to have anal sex and would get frustrated when I told him no.

  I know that Steven wouldn’t give me up without a fight, but I figured I had more time. I’m not ready to leave yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to leave.

  Once I’ve forced my breathing to calm a little, I contemplate how much longer I have before Steven makes his move. He’s calculating and I know he won’t show up guns blazing. He’ll have a plan in place and that takes time. I figure I have a few days before he shows his face. That leaves me with enough time to either tell Jaxon what’s going on and hope he can help me some way or pack my things and hit the road again.

  I have no idea why I’m not freaking out more than I am. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of living in fear. It could be because I’ve seen the softer and nicer side of humanity. It might even be because the reality of Steven being here truly hasn’t hit me yet. Either way, I get up on shaky legs and grab the crate half full of bottles and slowly make my way back up the stairs.

  I don’t want anyone to know something is wrong so I try to act normal. The place has more people than before my trip to the basement. Almost all the tables a
re occupied. I look at the pool tables and find a group of guys hanging around them, but Jaxon and Nick are nowhere to be found. Mia and Andrew are busy serving customers from behind the bar.

  I walk over and lift the partition and bring the crate over to the mini fridges. After setting the crate down I stand back up. Something close to the door catches my eye.

  There, casually leaning against the wall is the one person that has almost shattered me beyond recognition: Steven.

  My eyes lock onto his while he quietly watches me and smokes his nasty smelling cigar.

  My heart pounds heavily against my chest. I’m not breathing because I’m too scared to move. My ears start to buzz and a white film appears in my peripheral vision. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead and the beating of my heart can be felt pounding inside my head.

  Here is the freak out that I was lacking earlier. The rational part of my brain tells me.

  Oh my God! He’s here! He’s here and now he’s going to kill me!

  Because my body has no choice, and I’m on the verge of passing out from the lack of oxygen, I take in a deep breath. Steven notices my reaction to his presence and it satisfies him. I see him smirk at me while taking a drag of his cigar.

  At the expression on his face and what it means for me my vision goes even blurrier, the buzzing in my ears gets louder, and my heart rate kicks up even more.

  I feel someone at my side saying my name, but I can’t look away from Steven. His gaze holds me captive and I’m powerless to look away. I feel the muscles in my legs starting to give way and I know that I’m on the cusp of blacking out.

  Right before my body gives into the demand of too much fear and angst and I hit the floor I hear two things.

  First, is me uttering the word, “Steven.”

  The second is someone screaming, “Jaxon.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  You know how people say that when they come to from blacking out they are disoriented and don’t know what happened before they went down? Yeah, well, not so much for me. I know exactly what happened and what caused me to pass out. My vial piece of crap husband showed his face to me.

  I lay there, on what I assume is a couch, listening to the voices around me before I actually open my eyes. I’m not ready to face reality yet.

  “What the hell happened?” I hear Jaxon growl off to my left. I can tell by his voice that he’s extremely pissed.

  “I don’t know. One minute she was standing there looking across the room with a strange look on her face and the next minute she just dropped.” This is from Mia. There’s worry in her voice, something that I’ve never heard from her before.

  “Well, she didn’t just pass out for the fun of it. Something happened and I want to know what the fuck it was!” Jaxon again.

  “Jax, man, calm down.” Nick.

  I feel a presence get close to me and I immediately know it’s Jaxon. He reaches down and grabs my hand. “Angel, can you hear me?”

  I decide it’s time to face what is set before me. I flutter my eyes open and take in Jaxon’s worried face right in front of me.

  “Hey, baby,” He says softly to me.

  “Hey,” I say back to him while I try to get up.

  He gently pushes me back down. “Just stay there for a few minutes.”

  “I can’t. I have to leave. I can’t stay here any longer.” I tell him.

  The hand that is still wrapped in mine jerks and I look into his eyes again. “What? Why? What happened out there?”

  I know that I can’t hold off any longer. I know that I have to tell him the truth or most of it at least. There’re still parts that I’ll probably never be able to tell him, or anyone. It’s too painful to even think about.

  I take a deep breath and look around me. Mia and Nick are off to the side watching me with concerned faces. Belatedly, I realize that I’m in Jaxon’s office laying on his small brown leather couch. I can still hear the music from the bar, but it’s muted because the door is closed.

  Taking in another much needed deep breath, I bring my eyes back to Jaxon. The hurt I see in his beautiful eyes almost brings tears to my eyes. I lower my gaze to my hands that are resting in my lap. I can’t look at him when I tell him what I’m about to.

  “H-he found me.”

  “Who found you, Bailey?” Jaxon puts a hand underneath my chin and lifts my head. I squeeze my eyes closed once my head is raised. “Look at me, please, and explain.”

  I open my eyes and look straight into his and unleash the holy hell that is my life.

  “My husband, Steven. He found me.” I hear a growl forming in the back of Jaxon’s throat but before he can say anything I continue. “We met while I was in my last year of college. I was working in a restaurant to pay my way through school when he and his colleagues came in for lunch one day. He was so charming and kind and paid me all the attention that I never received as a child.

  “After that one day he kept coming back, most of the time by himself, and just sat there and watched me. Sometimes I would sit with him during my lunch breaks and we would talk. I was so desperate to be accepted and loved that it didn’t take long for him to talk his way into my bed. Up until that point I had never been with anyone, wanting to focus on my studies. We dated for about six months before he asked me to marry him. He made me feel like I was the most precious thing in the world to him and I thought I was so in love with him that I immediately accepted. It didn’t occur to me at the time, but it was our wedding night when things started to change.”

  I watch as Jaxon’s eyes get harder the longer I talk like he knows what’s coming. He may have some clue, but there’s no way he can know how bad it was for me. The hand that he’s still clutching is getting tighter. I squeeze his in return and he loosens his grip. I continue my story.

  “It was just little things at first. I just thought it was because of the stress at work. He was a big named attorney and I know that the stress of the job can be overwhelming at times. He started being rougher with me during sex. Saying nasty things to me. He would shove me a little too hard. He would always apologize to me afterward and things would go back to normal for a few days. It never lasted long though and eventually it got worse.”

  I stop for a minute and take the bottle of water that Mia offers me. After taking a big gulp, I replace the lid and set it on the table beside the couch.

  “One night we had a friend over for dinner. I was in the kitchen making a salad when Steven walked up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and I thought he was trying to apologize because he had been intentionally cruel to me earlier that day. Except, it wasn’t an apology at all. He leaned down to my ear and told me to go to his friend and take out his cock and suck it.”

  The whole time I talk I keep my eyes on Jaxon. His are getting darker and darker the more I say. His jaw is clenched tightly shut and his nostrils are flaring. I can tell it’s taking everything he has to control his emotions. I don’t want to hurt or anger him, but I need to tell him. I need him to finally understand why I am the way I am and why I can’t stay here any longer.

  His eyes are locked onto mine as well. He pulls in a breath and tells me to continue. So I do.

  “When I refused to do what he told me to he slapped me with such force that I stumbled and I hit my hip on the edge of the counter. It hurt, but I didn’t realize until later that it left a huge bruise. He ended up dragging me over to his friend by my hair and forcing me to my knees. He threatened to slit my throat if I bit the guy, which I had planned on doing. Of course, I didn’t do it after the threat. The look in his eyes told me he was serious.

  “They both raped me that night. His friend raped my mouth and Steven raped me anally. Neither was done gently. Immediately afterwards I threw up on the floor and they left me there, laying in vomit, spit, and blood.”

  “That sick fuck!” Explodes from Nick. I look to him and see his hands are fisted. There’s pure rage in his eyes. Mia isn’t fairing much better. There’s fire in her eyes but
instead of being focused on me they’re locked onto Jaxon.

  When I swing my gaze back to him, I see he’s bent over resting his elbows on his knees and his head is bowed.

  As I’m not nowhere near finished with my story I continue my tale, still watching Jaxon.

  “After that night things change dramatically. There were no more kind words or loving gestures from Steven, except while we were in public. It was like a light switched in him. He started taking me to a club. The nights that he brought me there were some of the worst. He would have the members tie me up and do all sorts of awful things to my body. Things that no person should have to endure. Things that change people forever. Sometimes he would threaten me and make me do things to them as well.

  “Many of the times he wouldn’t join in. He would sit off to the side and watch me with hate filled eyes, like it was my fault I was there. Each time he would tell me it was my fault but would never tell me what I did. I tried so very hard to be good, but I was never good enough. It didn’t happen very often but sometimes he would drug me. I longed for the times that he did because it felt like I was outside my body. I always felt it in the mornings though.

  “It was when the others were done with me and gone that Steven would punish me. He had these toys that he used. The worst was the flogger. It wasn’t the usual flogger that you see in on the internet or in sex stores. Steven modified it to where it had little needles at the end of the tails. He loved using the flogger all over my body. He would also put out his expensive cigars out on my body. He would use anything and everything within his reach, and that would fit, and punish me by shoving it in my body. He even used a cracked beer bottle one time and it cut me on the inside.”

  The last I whisper because remembering the excruciating pain of it almost breaks my resolve in finishing my tale. Tears slip silently down my cheeks.

  “Oh my God.” I hear Mia whisper, but I don’t look at her. My eyes are glued to Jaxon, who is flexing his fists. His body is shaking.

  “I tried to leave so many times but it was like he always knew. He would stop me before I even had a chance to plan an escape and beat me. I was admitted to the hospital several times, but he was always there so I couldn’t tell anyone. Of course, they wouldn’t believe me anyway. No one would believe that the golden boy prosecuting attorney would ever do anything remotely close to what he puts criminals away for. In public, he was the perfect loving husband. He always blamed it on me being clumsy. There was one time he blamed it on a random mugging and another time he said someone broke into our house. Of course, he trashed the house to make his story more believable. Of the few times, I was in the hospital there were dozens of others that I wasn’t. He only took me when he felt it was life threatening enough.”