Book Read Free

The Baby Decision

Page 33

by Merle Bombardieri

Childless by Choice (Veevers), 93, 290

  child-rearing. See parenting

  children

  activities for, 246–247

  adopting. See adoption

  borrowing, 101–104

  current attitude toward, 39–44

  day care options, 261–269

  decision to have multiple, 163–166

  fathers’ involvement with, 259

  fostering, 204–205

  growth opportunities for parents, 240–242

  only children. See only children

  only children of single parents, finding support for, 173–175, 179–180

  Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide (Morrisette), 177, 303

  “The Clock-Watcher: How Do You Know When—or if—You Should Have a Baby?” (Pikul), 284

  cognitive dissonance, 82–83

  community, sense of, 119–122, 226

  compassion in stopping fertility treatments, 193

  compromise, negotiation to, 138–141, 150–151

  Conceivable Future, 15

  Confessions of the Other Mother (Aizley), 168, 299

  conflicting desires

  addressing, 32–35, 70

  between couples. See couple conflicts

  conformity, 84–86

  Conquering Infertility (Domar), 189, 300

  counseling

  in baby decision, 213–214

  baby decision workshop, 215–216

  choosing therapist for, 218–219

  in couple conflicts, 144

  couples counseling, 217–218

  in divorce, 145

  genetic. See genetic testing

  individual therapy sessions, 216–217

  resources for finding help, 219

  See also support

  countdown exercise, 49–50

  couple actions in stopping fertility treatments, 194

  couple conflicts, 129–132

  bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137

  communication in, 136

  divorce considerations, 144–146

  games in, 132–136

  growth from, 150–151

  negotiation to compromise, 138–141, 150–151

  questions to ask, 137–138

  in second marriages, 147–149

  “single” married parents, 141–144

  when counseling is necessary, 144, 214

  couple decision, baby decision as, 18–20

  couples counseling, 217–218

  couples exercises, 59–65

  The Courage to Create (May), 13, 287

  “courting divorce” game, 135–136

  Creating a Family

  adoption resources, 202, 207

  fertility treatment affordability, 189

  special needs adoption, 203–204

  support during fertility treatments, 190

  transracial adoption, 205

  website, 185

  creative immortality, 112

  Creative Life (Moustakas), 129

  D

  daughters, wishing for, 44

  Daum, Meghan, 228, 289

  Davenport, Dawn, 190

  day care, 261–269

  day care centers, 264

  evaluating options, 265–269

  feelings about, 261–263

  home-based day care, 263–264

  nannies, 264–265

  day care centers, 264

  decision-making

  applying lessons from, 270

  bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137

  bill of rights, 12

  defined, 8

  happiness in. See happiness

  safety versus growth decisions, 8–12

  styles of, 60–61

  See also baby decision

  deficiency motivation, 8

  delayed parenthood

  advantages, 152–153

  disadvantages, 153–154

  medical concerns, 154

  minimizing problems of, 156–157

  motherhood over 35, concerns about, 154–155

  reasons for, 158

  talking with family about, 159

  too old to parent? 155–156

  Delphic oracle, 13

  dental health, 314

  dependency in marriage, 123–124

  desensitization, 85

  devil’s advocate explanation technique (response to outside pressure), 91

  diagnosis of fertility problems, 188

  diary exercise, 54–55, 211

  disagreements. See conflicting desires; couple conflicts

  divorce

  baby decision and, 48

  in couple conflicts, 135–136, 144–146

  single parenting by, 177

  dodging technique (response to outside pressure), 86

  Domar, Ali, 189, 300

  domestic adoption, 201–202

  donor insemination, single parenting and, 182–183

  “don’t confuse me with the facts” game (second child decisions), 165–166

  doubts about decision, overcoming, 212–213

  dream child exercise, 40–41

  dream power exercise, 55

  dreaming

  messages from, 55

  about monsters, 42–44

  dreams/goals

  addressing, 31–32

  happiness and, 113–116

  drifting apart from friends, 272–273

  E

  early-stage fertility problems, 185

  earth mothers, 247

  emergency circumstances, baby decision in, 22–24, 47–48

  energy needed for parenting, 155–156

  epigenetics, 313–314

  epitaph exercise, 44–45

  Erikson, Erik, 229

  Escape from Freedom (Fromm), 117, 286

  evaluation

  of day care options, 265–269

  of fertility problems, 188

  of weekly schedule, 49–50

  exercise for older parents, 156

  exercises

  “Are You the Person I Married?” 61–62

  bad news, 48

  chair dialogue, 32–35, 70, 196, 211, 212, 256

  checklist: are you ready for parenthood? 64–65

  countdown, 49–50

  couples exercises, 59–65

  diary, 54–55, 211

  dream child, 40–41

  dream power, 55

  epitaph, 44–45

  family sculpture, 63–64

  fifty-fifty, 62

  homework assignment, 57–58

  how to use, 13–14

  interiors, 58–59

  knapsack, 45–47

  life cycle, 50–51

  madonna, 38–39

  making connections, 48

  metamorphosis, 36–37

  moment of truth, 47–48

  monster, 42–44

  passed up, 47

  photo album, 41–42

  repeating, 211

  ring of power, 60–61

  rock-a-bye, 40

  rocking chair, 51–54, 211

  separate faces, 148–149

  suckling, 37–38

  surprise! 45

  Swedish family hotel, 56–57, 251

  when to seek counseling, 214

  the wrong sex, 44

  yucky babies, 35–36

  explanation technique (response to outside pressure), 89–91

  extended family, creating, 119–122, 226

  F

  Falbo, Toni, 160, 302

  Families (Howard), 121, 288

  Families of Two (Carroll), 228, 289

  family

  sense of, 119–122, 226

  sharing childfree decision with, 232–236

  family attitudes/values, influence of, 72

  childhood experiences, 72–74

  parents, 74–75

  partner becoming parent, fear of, 75–76

  family sculpture exercise, 63–64

  family situation in single parenting de
cision, 178

  The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (Maslow), 114, 287

  fatherhood. See parenting

  Fatherhood for Gay Men (McGarry), 167, 299

  favors, asking of childfree people, 80–81

  fear of greatness, 114–116

  feelings

  about day care, 261–263

  of mothers, 245–246

  tracking, 54–55

  fertility problems

  early stage, 185

  evaluation and diagnosis, 188

  middle stage, 189–190

  pregnancy after, 190–192

  pregnancy attempts after loss, 187–188

  resources for, 185

  self-care after pregnancy loss, 186–187

  stopping treatment, 192–198

  fertility treatments

  affordability, 15

  inclusion in book, reasons for, 16–17

  simultaneously with adoption, 207–210

  stopping, 192–198

  support during, 189–190

  fifty-fifty exercise, 62

  financial situation in single parenting decision, 178

  flexibility

  happiness and, 111–112

  shared parenting and, 260–261

  focus-shifting technique (response to outside pressure), 88–89

  folate supplements, 315

  foreign adoption, 202, 205

  foster children, 204–205

  “found” families, 121–122

  Frankenstein (Shelley), 42

  freedom

  happiness and, 117–118

  loss of, 95

  in stopping fertility treatments, 193

  Friedman, Ann, 283

  friends, influence of, 76–78

  childfree people on parents, 83–86

  drifting apart, 272–273

  parents on childfree people, 79–83

  responses to, 86–92

  Fromm, Eric, 117, 286

  Fuller, Margaret, 240

  The Future of the Family (Steinberg), 259, 297

  future plans for childfree people, 226–228

  G

  games

  childfree people play with parents, 83–86

  in couple conflicts, 132–136

  defined, 79

  parents play with childfree people, 79–83

  in second child decisions, 165–166

  Games People Play (Berne), 79, 286

  gay couples, conflicts in baby decision, 19–20

  gay parenting, 167–170

  gender roles in shared parenting, 255–257, 260

  generativity, 229

  genetic testing

  autism and schizophrenia risks, 319–320

  pre-pregnancy consultations, 317

  resources for information, 318

  when to pursue, 316–317

  geriatric case managers, 157

  goals. See dreams/goals

  Goodman, Ellen, 258, 295

  grandparents

  for children of older parents, 157

  expectations of, 233–234

  greatness, fear of, 114–116

  grief work in stopping fertility treatments, 196–198

  growth

  for childfree people, 236

  from conflict, 150–151

  when parenting, 240–242

  The Growth and Development of Mothers (Mc-Bride), 243, 295

  growth decisions

  in baby decision, 9

  safety decisions versus, 8–12

  growth motivation, 8

  guilt

  of childfree people, 226

  in couple conflicts, 129–132

  about day care, 261–262

  of mothers, 247–248

  of parents of childfree people, 234–235

  H

  happiness

  adventure and, 109–110

  flexibility and, 111–112

  freedom and, 117–118

  intimacy and, 118–119

  marriage and, 123–124

  mission and, 113–116

  mortality and, 112–113

  research on, 124–126

  risk and, 110

  sense of family/community and, 119–122, 226

  solitude and, 116–117

  spontaneity and, 110–111

  Hasidism and Modern Man (Buber), 113, 286

  Hawke, Sharryl, 160, 302

  Hawley, Nancy Press, 258, 260, 296

  healing, parenting as, 73

  healthcare for older parents, 156

  Henry, Sherrye, 253

  Hochschild, Arlie, 62, 255, 285

  “Home Duty” (Rockwell painting), 35

  home studies in adoption process, 205–207

  home-based day care, 263–264

  homework assignment exercise, 57–58

  Houseknecht, Sharon, 85

  Howard, Jane, 121, 288

  humor technique (response to outside pressure), 87

  I

  I and Thou (Buber), 129, 287

  I-it relationships, 129

  immortality, paths to, 112–113

  individual therapy sessions, 216–217

  individuation, 68–70, 76

  infertility

  childfree after, 17

  inclusion in book, reasons for, 16–17

  reactions to, 48

  See also fertility problems

  in-home day care (nannies), 264–265

  inner core, addressing, 31–32

  intercourse, single parenting pregnancy via, 180–182

  interiors exercise, 58–59

  international adoption, 202, 205

  intimacy

  building on, 270

  happiness and, 118–119

  I-thou relationships, 129, 270

  J

  jealousy about day care, 262

  K

  knapsack exercise, 45–47

  Knox, David, 160, 302

  L

  Lang, Susan, 226, 289

  language choices in book, 16

  Larson, Glenn, 21

  later-stage fertility problems, stopping treatment, 192–198

  legal risk adoption, 204–205

  The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook (Martin), 167–168, 299

  lesbian couples, conflicts in baby decision, 19–20

  Lessing, Doris, 242

  Levoy, Gregg, 227, 286

  life cycle exercise, 50–51

  Lifton, Robert Jay, 112, 286

  Literary Women (Moers), 42

  loneliness in old age, 122

  love, ability to, 73

  M

  madonna exercise, 38–39

  making connections exercise, 48

  Margaret Meade, Some Personal Views (Metraux), 161

  marriage

  happiness and, 123–124

  “single” married parents in, 141–144

  Martin, April, 167–168, 299

  martyrhood, avoiding, 242–244

  Maslow, Abraham, 8, 114–115, 287

  May, Rollo, 13, 287

  McBride, Angela Barron, 243, 295

  McGarry, Kevin, 167, 299

  McIntyre, Casandra, 168, 299

  Mead, Margaret, 161

  meddlers, influence of, 76–78

  childfree people on parents, 83–86

  parents on childfree people, 79–83

  responses to, 86–92

  medical actions in stopping fertility treatments, 194–195

  medical problems

  baby decision and, 22–24, 47–48

  delayed parenthood and, 154

  Melina, Lois, 207, 298

  men

  involvement with children, 259

  judgment of childfree choice, 81–82

  role in baby decision, 18–20

  wife becoming mother, fear of, 75–76

  Men, Women and Infertility: Intervention and Treatment Strategies (Zoldbrod), 192, 301

  metamorphosis exercise, 36–37

  middle-stage fertilit
y problems, 189–190

  Mill, John Stuart, 11

  minimizing problems of delayed parenthood, 156–157

  miscarriage. See pregnancy loss

  mission, happiness and, 113–116

  Moers, Ellen, 42

  moment of truth exercise, 47–48

  monster exercise, 42–44

  Morrisette, Mikki, 177, 303

  mortality, happiness and, 112–113

  motherhood. See parenting

  “Motherhood!” (Pogrebin), 240, 253

  “Motherhood—Who Needs It?” (Rollin), 52, 289

  motivation, types of, 8

  Moustakas, Clark, 129

  multi-cultural adoption, 205

  multiple children, decision to have, 163–166

  N

  Nadelson, Carol, 229

  nannies, 264–265

  natural immortality, 112

  negotiation in couple conflicts, 138–141, 150–151

  Nin, Anais, 243

  No One Asked Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister (Alexander), 166

  nursing babies, 37–38

  nurture, need to, in childfree choice, 99

  nutritionists, 314

  O

  older parents. See delayed parenthood

  only children

  advantages, 161–162

  disadvantages, 162–163

  multiple children decisions and, 163–166

  myths about, 160–161

  of single parents, finding support for, 173–175, 179–180

  poison vials about, 105

  open adoption, 203

  Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home (Stone), 250, 296

  Ourselves and Our Children (Hawley), 258, 260, 296

  outside pressures. See pressure from others;

  responding to outside pressures

  P

  panic in decision-making, avoiding, 20–22

  parenting

  checklist: are you ready for parenthood? 64–65

  delayed parenthood. See delayed parenthood

  for gay couples, 167–170

  growth opportunities, 240–242

  as healing, 73

  mothers, advice for, 245–248

  poison vials about, 95–98

  pregnancy desire versus, 38–39

  preparing for, 100–105, 237–240

  shared parenting, 255–261

  “single” married parents and, 141–144

  single parenting. See single parenting

  spending time with childfree people, 272–273

  spending time with other parents, 272

  stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244

  without becoming martyr, 242–244

  work involved, 56–59, 62

  working mothers. See working mothers

  See also babies; children; pregnancy

  parents

  fear of partner becoming, 75–76

  following gender roles of, 255–257

  games played by childfree people, 83–86

  games played with childfree people, 79–83

  influence on parenting style, 74–75

  pressure about baby decision, 67–71

  talking about delayed parenthood with, 159

  Passages (Sheehy), 153, 287

  passed up exercise, 47

  perfection in childfree choice, 224–225

 

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