The Baby Decision
Page 34
personhood, retaining, 248
pets in preparation for parenthood, 100–101
photo album exercise, 41–42
physical space needs for children, 58–59
Pikul, Corrie, 284
Pogrebin, Letty Cottin, 240, 253
poison vials, 94
addressing, 105
about childfree choice, 98–100
about parenthood, 95–98
about preparing for parenthood, 100–105
postponing
baby decision, 9–10, 130, 141
parenthood. See delayed parenthood
pregnancy
attitude toward body changes in, 36–39
via donor insemination, 182–183
genetic testing, 316–320
monster dreams during, 42–44
parenting desire versus, 38–39
after pregnancy loss, 190–192
preparing for, 237–240, 313–315
simultaneously trying for adoption, 207–210
single parenting and, 180–184
See also unplanned pregnancy
pregnancy loss
pregnancy after, 190–192
pregnancy attempts after, 187–188
self-care after, 186–187
prenatal vitamins, 315
preparing for parenthood
physical preparation, 313–315
poison vials about, 100–105
psychological preparation, 237–240
pre-pregnancy genetic consultations, 317
pressure from others, 66–67
bill of rights, 86
end of, 93
family attitudes/values, 72–76
friends and meddlers, 76–86
parents, 67–71
responses to, 86–92
priorities in life, identifying, 44–48
professional help. See counseling
pronatalism, sexism in, 81–82
proselytization, avoiding, 273–274
psychic immortality, 112–113
psychological actions in stopping fertility treatments, 195–198
Q
questions, asking in couple conflicts, 137–138
quiet time. See solitude
R
Raising Adopted Children (Melina), 207, 298
Ravech, Maxine, 230
reaffirming baby decision, 211–213
rebellion, baby decision as, 68
reframing single parenthood decision, 172
refusal technique (response to outside pressure), 91–92
regrets
addressing, 51–54
about childfree choice, 98
repeating baby decision exercises, 211
Reproductive Endocrinologists, 188
research on happiness, 124–126
RESOLVE
“Childfree Decision-Making,” 17, 223
evaluating fertility treatments, 188
fertility treatment affordability, 189
finding therapists, 219
after pregnancy loss, 187
single parenting, 170–171
stopping fertility treatments, 196
support during fertility treatments, 189
website, 185
responding to outside pressures
awareness technique, 89
bill of rights, 86
choosing technique(s) for, 92
devil’s advocate technique, 91
dodging technique, 86
explanation technique, 89–91
humor technique, 87
refusal technique, 91–92
roleplaying technique, 92
shifting focus technique, 88–89
therapist response technique, 87
retirement planning for older parents, 157
ring of power exercise, 60–61
risk
happiness and, 110
pursuing, 270–271
Rivers, Caryl, 258
rock-a-bye exercise, 40
rocking chair exercise, 51–54, 211
Rockwell, Norman, 35
role modeling, 85
roleplaying technique (response to outside pressure), 92
Rollin, Betty, 51–52, 229, 289
Roman, Mel, 72, 288
Rowes, Barbara, 243
S
sabbaticals from fertility treatments, 194
sabotage in couple conflicts, 134–135
sacrifices
reactions to, 45–47
in second marriages, 148
safety decisions
in baby decision, 9–10
growth decisions versus, 8–12
schizophrenia, 319–320
The Science of Parenting (Sunderland), 57, 294
second children, 163–166
second choice, childfree as, 223–224
second marriages, couple conflicts in, 147–149
The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home (Hochschild), 62, 255, 285
“secret doors”
body changes in pregnancy, attitude toward, 36–39
childhood, attitude toward babies in, 35–36
children, current attitude toward, 39–44
conflicting desires, addressing, 32–35
couples exercises, 59–65
parenting, work involved, 56–59
private dreams/goals, addressing, 31–32
timing of parenthood, 49–54
unconscious mind, insights from, 54–55
values, identifying, 44–48
See also exercises
self-care after pregnancy loss, 186–187
self-exploration exercises. See exercises
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids (Daum), 228, 289
selfishness
in childfree choice, 80–82, 99–100, 224
as prejudice of others, 76–78
Senior, Jennifer, 125, 285
separate faces exercise, 148–149
sexism in pronatalism, 81–82
shared parenting
couples exercises, 62
fathers, involvement with children, 259
flexibility and, 260–261
traditional gender roles in, 255–257
Sheehy, Gail, 112, 153, 287
Sheets, Kayla, 44, 313–320
Shelley, Mary, 42
shifting focus technique (response to outside pressure), 88–89
“shrink” game, 134
simultaneous pregnancy and adoption, 207–210
“single” married parents, 141–144
Single Mothers by Choice, 171
single parenting
adoption and, 184
advantages, 175–176
by choice versus by circumstance, 177–178
choosing biological father, 183–184
decisions to consider, 172, 178–180
disadvantages, 176–177
via divorce/widowhood, 48
donor insemination, 182–183
finding support for, 173–175, 179–180
pregnancy through intercourse, 180–182
reasons for choosing, 175
reframing decision, 172
role of others in baby decision, 19
types of women who choose, 170–171
wrong reasons for, 179
Slaughter, Ann-Marie, 250–251, 296
“sneak” game, 134–135
social situation in single parenting decision, 178
societal changes for working parents, 249–251
solitude
in childfree choice, 225
happiness and, 116–117
sons, wishing for, 44
special needs adoption, 203–204
Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own (Bolick), 172, 303
spontaneity, happiness and, 110–111
stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244
Steinberg, David, 259, 297
step-parenting, 149
sterilization, 228–2
33
advantages, 228–229
changing mind, 229–230
reactions to, 79
readiness for, 230–232
sharing decision with others, 232–236
Stone, Pamela, 250, 296
stopping fertility treatments, 192–198
couple actions, 194
grief work, 196–198
medical actions, 194–195
psychological actions, 195–198
values clarification, 196
stress management
during fertility treatments, 189
for mothers, 245–246
in preparation for pregnancy, 315
success, expectations of, 271
suckling exercise, 37–38
Sunderland, Margot, 57, 294
support
during fertility treatments, 189–190
after pregnancy loss, 186–187
for pregnant women after infertility, 190–192
for single parents, finding, 173–175, 179–180
See also counseling
surprise! exercise, 45
Surrey, Janet, 118
Swedish family hotel exercise, 56–57, 251
T
theological immortality, 112
therapist response technique
in couple conflicts, 134
as response to outside pressure, 87
therapy. See counseling
third children, 164–165
Time (magazine), 51–52
timing of parenthood, baby decision and, 49–54
“To Room Nineteen” (Lessing), 242
Toward a Psychology of Being (Maslow), 8
traditional gender roles in shared parenting, 255–257, 260
Traister, Rebecca, 172, 303
transracial adoption, 205
“tug-of-war,” 129–132
bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137
communication in, 136
divorce considerations, 144–146
games in, 132–136
growth from, 150–151
negotiation to compromise, 138–141, 150–151
questions to ask, 137–138
in second marriages, 147–149
“single” married parents, 141–144
when counseling is necessary, 144, 214
See also couple conflicts
“Two Ubermoms Are Better Than One” (McIntyre), 168, 299
U
unconscious mind, insights from, 54–55
Unfinished Business: Women, Men, Work, and Family (Slaughter), 250, 296
unplanned pregnancy
baby decision and, 22–24
reactions to, 45
See also pregnancy
V
values
clarifying when stopping fertility treatments, 196
identifying, 44–48
Veevers, Jean, 93, 290
The Vibrant Gene Talk Show (YouTube channel), 318
W
websites
adoption resources, 202, 207
fertility problems, 185
fertility treatment affordability, 15, 189
finding therapists, 219
genetic testing, 318
nutrition information, 314
special needs adoption, 203–204
support during fertility treatments, 189–190
transracial adoption, 205
weekly schedule, evaluating, 49–50
“What if You Just Don’t Know If You Want Kids?” (Friedman), 283
“Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” (Slaughter), 250
widowhood
baby decision and, 48
single parenting by, 177
Wilson, Katie, 46–47
women
attitude toward pregnancy body changes, 36–39
bill of rights for pregnancy after infertility, 191
concerns about motherhood over 35, 154–155
judgment of childfree choice, 81–82
mothers, advice for, 245–248
parenting without becoming martyr, 242–244
role in baby decision, 18–20
stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244
types who choose single parenting, 170–171
working mothers. See working mothers
Women Without Children (Lang), 226, 289
Women’s Growth in Connection (Surrey), 118
“Wondering If Children Are Necessary” (Time), 51
work involved in parenting, 56–59, 62
working mothers
advice for, 245
day care options, 261–269
juggling career/motherhood, 252–255
shared parenting, 255–261
societal changes from previous decades, 249–251
workshop for baby decision, 215–216
wrong decision, effect of, 24–27
wrong sex exercise, 44
Y
“Yes” donors, 182
yucky babies exercise, 35–36
Z
Zoldbrod, Aline, 192, 301
Merle (Malkoff) Bombardieri, is a clinical social worker/ psychotherapist who specializes in parenthood decision-making, infertility, adoption, and making the most of a childfree life. Although she is the mother of two grown children, she has also been an advocate for childfree people since 1979. She has been in private practice for thirty-plus years in Lexington, MA. In 1981, she published the first edition of The Baby Decision based on interviews and reviews of scholarly research. Then, in 1982 she became Clinical Director of RESOLVE, the national infertility association. There she wrote guidelines for infertility patients making decisions on new techniques such as in vitro fertilization and donor egg, as well as adoption and surrogacy. This revised second edition of The Baby Decision, is based on thirty-five more years of work guiding decision-makers in educational workshops, long-distance coaching for people around the world and psychotherapy. Merle brings a sense of humor and compassion to her work. She helps clients and readers get curious about themselves and uncover new discoveries that make life more fun.
Merle’s writing has appeared in Our Bodies, Ourselves, Brides, Glamour, Self, the Boston Globe Magazine, Boston Magazine and psychology blogs. She has lectured at Harvard Medical School, M.I.T., Wellesley College, and the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. She has appeared on national radio and television news shows, talk shows and documentaries, including the Leeza Show. Merle has been quoted in The New York Times, Time, Newsweek, the Boston Globe and the Huffington Post. She has also written medical journal articles and a chapter in a medical textbook.
Merle is married and the mother of two grown daughter and the grandmother of a two-year-old boy. She enjoys creative writing, yoga, hiking, and travel.
She is working on a novel, Don’t Ask, about two sisters and a surrogate pregnancy. Sign up on her contact page to hear more about it and to receive her newsletter.
Please go to www.thebabydecision.com to sign up to receive further information on the baby decision, Merle’s newsletter, information on online courses, and news about her upcoming novel, Don’t Ask.
Feel free to contact Merle via www.thebabydecision.com to inquire about baby decision coaching. Technology allows her to coach people remotely.
Follow Merle on Twitter @thebabydecision and like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/thebabydecision.