Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  I’m mentally counting down the hours until Avery gets in her car and goes back to L.A. “You really expect me to listen to someone who has never had a relationship last longer than one week and who just walked through the door ten minutes ago declaring her love for some guy she met two days ago? Come on, Ave. Seriously?” I walk off and head upstairs for a shower.

  “You’re going to leave California with a broken heart in two weeks and you know it!”

  *

  June 15th, 2010

  Lautner messaged me late last night. He said his first day went well, just long. I didn’t mention my sister’s crazy declaration of love for his best friend, which led to us sitting by the pool in silence most of the afternoon until she left to meet Caden for dinner. I also failed to mention that Swarley and I met Dane and his Jack Russell Terriers, Salt and Pepper, at the dog park for a playdate. He gave me the baseball tickets for tomorrow’s game.

  It will be me and Avery’s last hurrah before she goes back to L.A. In spite of her recent pestering about my feelings toward Lautner, deep down I know I’m going to miss her. Caden took the day off to spend it with Avery. I guess that should mean something, but after what Lautner told me about Caden’s past, I don’t put too much weight in the gesture.

  Dinner is pasta and salad for one on the deck with the tiki torches lit, John Legend flowing through the speakers, and a great bottle of local Pinot Grigio. I hate that as much as I’ve been alone over the past year, I’ve never felt lonely … until Lautner. By the time I’m halfway through the bottle of wine, I hate that I miss him now. With the last drop of the bottle and a warm buzz enveloping my body, I hate that Avery’s right. I’m going to leave Palo Alto with a broken heart. I hate bad timing. I hate the idea of fate. I hate feeling so lost. But mostly, I hate my heart for betraying my brain.

  *

  June 16th, 2010

  Number one sign that I’m losing it … I wake up and find myself spooning Swarley. Elizabeth and Trevor are not going to be happy about me humanizing their dog.

  “Let’s go, Swarley. Jog then breakfast.”

  When I open the front door, I initially feel elated then a pang of disappointment hits me just as fast. There is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a hot drink cup, and a pastry bag … but no Lautner. There’s a note with the flowers.

  Early morning, you might have to reheat the tea. Didn’t want to wake you … scratch that … DID want to wake you, but I would never have made it to the hospital on time. What if I said I’m missing you more than I should? ~Lautner

  “Ouch, Swarley,” I say, holding my hand protectively over my heart. “What’s a girl to do?”

  We run extra hard and then I indulge in my galette and lukewarm chai tea latte that still tastes great. I send my favorite pool guy a text.

  Yummy, thank you xx! What if I said I wish you would have given me the chance to make you late for work? ~Sydney

  I’m surprised at his quick response. But it makes me smile.

  Mmm … What if?

  *

  Avery and I make a day of it in San Francisco: shopping, lunch, and a great Giants’ game. The tension between us has eased. I’m still not openly admitting that I may have complicated feelings for Lautner, not to Avery and certainly not to him.

  “So are you seeing Caden tonight?” I ask on the drive back to Palo Alto.

  “Mmm hmm. I’m spending the night at his place then I’ll come by in the morning to say goodbye before I head back to L.A.”

  “I hesitate to even breech the subject again, but has he said that he loves you?”

  She shrugs while weaving through traffic like a maniac. “Kinda.”

  “Kinda? How do you kinda tell someone you love them?”

  Her small grin is overshadowed by the tense wrinkle of her nose. “Well, he said it once during …”

  I roll my eyes. “Sex? Right?”

  She nods. “Yes, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it, right?”

  My laughter cannot be contained. “Oh, Ave … if it was in the heat of the moment, it might not mean anything. Did he say it early on or did he yell it out during his orgasm?”

  “Don’t laugh at me!” She’s trying to be serious, but I see her lips quivering to resist her impending grin. “It was in the middle. He said, ‘I fucking love you, Avery.’”

  “Ave, I’ve heard you nearly orgasm eating a chocolate truffle, and if I recall, you also declared your love for it.”

  “Why are you spoiling my moment?” She pouts.

  “I’m not trying to spoil anything. If he says it again, fully clothed, before you leave tomorrow, then I think you might have something to hang your hopes on. But if he doesn’t …”

  “So you don’t think I should quit my job and move to San Francisco yet?”

  We both laugh and I’m glad she sees the insanity of it all.

  “Okay, your turn. Where do you and Lautner stand?”

  “Ave—”

  “Don’t Ave me. Sam, I’m not stupid. He’s more than just sex.”

  I look out the window and watch the surroundings morph into familiarity. We’re almost home. “I like him … a lot. The timing is just wrong for both of us. It will be hard to leave Palo Alto in two weeks, but … that’s just life.”

  *

  June 17th, 2010

  Dane conveniently happens to catch Swarley and me on our jog. I knew it was possible given our early rise time, but I’m no longer trying to avoid him. I’m actually happy to see him.

  “Hey, Dane. Thanks again for the tickets. We had a great time.”

  “And they won,” he adds, wiping his brow with his arm and slowing down to match my pace.

  I grin. “Yes, they did.”

  “I watched the game on TV, but you and Avery didn’t make it on the Jumbotron.”

  “Which is surprising since Avery was dressed in her sexy Giant attire and giving Lou Seal some competition for attention.”

  “I bet she was,” he laughs.

  We jog for a bit in silence until we approach Dane’s house.

  “Do you have time to come in for something to drink?” he asks.

  I twirl my ponytail and twist my lips to the side. I’m leaving soon and nothing’s going to change that so I decide to just enjoy myself and not analyze every stupid little decision.

  “Sure, but I can’t stay long. Swarley is going to be demanding breakfast soon.”

  “That’s fine. I have to jump in the shower and get to work in an hour so I’ll be kicking you out in about fifteen minutes anyway.” He winks.

  “How hospitable of you.”

  We let Swarley out back to get reacquainted with Salt and Pepper.

  “Your house is amazing. It looks pretty old from the outside but you’ve obviously done a lot of work inside.”

  “It’s was built in the sixties. I bought it from the original owners when they moved into assisted living. Water, coconut water, orange juice—”

  “Water is fine, thanks.”

  He hands me a water and leads me out to the deck with the dogs. “Anyway, I basically gutted the interior one room at a time. The previous owners had only updated on a need-to basis.”

  “I meaning you actually did it or you hired out the work?”

  Dane gulps down the rest of his orange juice. “I did everything except the electric and plumbing.”

  My eyes widen. “You have some serious skills.”

  “Internet.” He smiles. “There’s a how-to video for anything you could ever want to do. My dad taught me a lot when I was younger too.”

  Swarley runs up to me and sits on my foot.

  “Hmm, someone’s hungry.” I baby talk to Swarley.

  “Where do you go after Palo Alto?” Dane asks.

  “Paris. I’ve wanted to go there more than any other place in the world, and it’s finally going to happen.”

  “And Lautner?” his voice is cautious.

  I twist the lid back on my empty water bottle and watch his dogs chase
each other. “Lautner started his residency on Monday. He has three tough years ahead of him.”

  “And you?”

  I meet his gaze and smile with a resigned shrug. “I’m going to housesit for another year then I’m going to start grad school and finish what I set out to achieve.”

  “No distractions?”

  “No distractions.” I hand him my empty bottle and put Swarley’s leash back on. “Thanks for the water and thanks again for the tickets. I know you really intended to take me to that game.”

  He nods. “True, but it worked out for the best.”

  “Bye, Dane.”

  “See ya around, Sydney.”

  Swarley is scarfing down his breakfast when Avery arrives.

  “Good morning.” I hug her.

  “That it is.” She’s holding back. I can tell by the look on her face.

  “Out with it.” I shake my head and pour a bowl of cereal.

  “He wants to see me again.” She smiles and flutters her eyelashes.

  “Anymore declarations of love?” I mumble with a mouthful.

  “No … but he’s going to drive down to L.A. on Saturday and spend the weekend with me.”

  “Well, that’s good. You do know he was—”

  “Yes, I know he was engaged. I’m not asking for a proposal. He’s just the first guy that’s made me not want to be with other guys.”

  I gasp and slap my hand against my chest. “Avery in a monogamous relationship. Quick, grab my jacket, Hell must be freezing over.”

  “Oh, stop it!” She punches my shoulder. “I really like him.”

  We both somber and it’s silent for a few minutes. I love my sister and want nothing more than to see her happy. But I’m also protective of her, and lately her own worst enemy has been herself. Caden changes everything. For the first time in years, Avery is in a vulnerable situation. I’m trying to be happy for her, but the mother in me, the one that’s been dominant since Mom died, is scared for her.

  We both stand and embrace. “Safe travels, Ave. I love you.”

  “Love you too. If I don’t get back up here by the end of the month you’d better call me before leaving the country.”

  “I will.”

  She slings her bags over her shoulder. “Tell Lautner bye for me.”

  I nod and smile.

  When she shuts the door, I let a few tears fall down my cheeks. I don’t know what’s happening, but every day I feel a little more alone.

  *

  My new best friend, Swarley, and I hang out by the pool the rest of the afternoon. I haven’t heard from Lautner in over twenty-four hours. I have no idea what he’s doing or what his schedule is, so I refrain from calling or texting him. Instead, I stare at my phone for hours like a pathetic clinger waiting for him to call. I’ve played every version of “In Your Eyes” that’s ever been made, and I’ve set it as my ring tone for him. I’m having severe blue iris withdrawal. I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like when there is a physical ocean separating us. I have to believe immersing myself in all that is magnificent about Paris will dull the inevitable heartache that I’ll be taking with me when I leave.

  It’s 10:00 p.m. and I decide to drag my ass upstairs and fall into the sea of covers that smells like Lautner. I really need to wash the sheets. We both were a sweaty mess, but I can’t let go of the musky soap smell that I associate with the sexiest guy I will ever know.

  I hear “In Your Eyes” and I spit toothpaste out of my mouth and sprint to the bed. My heart is leaping from my chest and I take a deep breath before answering.

  “Hey!”

  I don’t hear anything.

  “Hello?” I say slower.

  “God, your voice is like the sun rising after days of darkness. I miss you so fucking much.”

  The heartache officially … just … started.

  “Mmm.” I’m swallowing my entire heart that’s stuck in my throat constricting my air.

  “Syd?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Is everything okay?”

  I nod and blink back the impending flood as if he can see me. It’s too much. I can’t talk and hold back the tears, so I let them go and find my voice. “Fine, everything’s fine,” I respond with a nervous laugh, brushing away my tears. This is ridiculous. What’s my problem? “How’s life as a resident?”

  He sighs. “Insane. I keep telling myself that my busy schedule will keep my mind off the sexy goddess that has consumed my every thought.”

  “Well, good thing I’ll be leaving soon. You can forget about me and concentrate on being the brilliant doctor I know you are.”

  “Sydney …” he whispers my name like a prayer.

  Don’t, please don’t! My mind screams as the eerie silence weighs heavily between us.

  I clear my throat. “So, think you can squeeze me in for a cup of coffee or something in the next two weeks?”

  “I’m off Sunday. I have some research to do, but I wouldn’t miss seeing you for anything.”

  “Okay.” I sniffle and suck in my top lip tasting the saltiness from my tears.

  “Sydney, are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes. Why do you keep asking me that?” I turn to grab a tissue on the night stand and there he is … blue irises and a megawatt grin on the other side of the window. I shake my head and wipe my eyes. “I hate you,” I whisper over the phone before pressing End and opening the window.

  I grab his phone from his ear and toss it on the floor. “You shit!” I grin.

  He climbs in and shuts the window. His I-caught-you smirk has to go.

  “You don’t hate me.”

  “I do … so much.” My arms fly around his neck and our lips collide. He hugs me and lifts me off the floor. The old T-shirt I’m wearing slides up my backside as my feet dangle in the air. His hand palms my bare ass exposed from my thong. I moan into his mouth. He tastes divine and my greedy tongue can’t stop exploring every inch of him. I’m faintly aware that he’s set me down on the ground, but Lautner has me flying so high I’m certain I’ll never find my feet again.

  He steps back and pulls off his top. My palms automatically flatten on his firm chest. I feel his finger under my chin tilting my head up to meet his hypnotic gaze. His thumbs brush across my cheeks.

  “These tears weren’t for me, were they?”

  I wrap my hands around his that are cradling my face. “Never.” I want to look away, but I can’t.

  Without a single word, he draws me into a place I’ve never been. I grasp the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head, now standing before him in only my lacy thong. He keeps his eyes fixed to mine and I wait. I know he’s going to look at me … all of me. He does, and I heat under his gaze. I love the way he looks at me. It’s an aphrodisiac. I pray time will steal the images of him from my mind, but I don’t ever want to forget how those blue irises make me feel like I was made for his eyes only.

  In slow motion, I unfasten his pants and his eyes shift to my hands. Lips parted and chest rising with a deep inhale, he waits with eternal patience. I squat down taking his pants and briefs with me. He steps out of them and I rest my hands on his firm quadriceps. I kiss his shins and his knees, lingering over his scar and feeling his muscles flex under my lips. My hands skim up to his hips while my lips follow with a trail of tender kisses. I look up at blue irises while tracing the pads of my fingers over his washboard abs. My lips oh-so-lightly graze the entire length of his smooth, firm erection. His limp hands at his sides ball into fists and his stomach muscles steel under my touch while his eye lids fall heavy over fading irises. I tease the tip of my tongue over the head of his length. He hisses as his eyes fly open. I smirk while he shakes his head. Large, strong hands thread through my long, dark locks. I continue my journey, leading with my hands and following with my lips over his abs, chest, arms, and neck. Ending with his perfect … sexy … mouth. Still smirking, I trace my tongue along his bottom lip.

  “I’m not going to let you go,” he whispers.


  I feel the joy in my face fade and my head drops. Pressing my mouth to the center of his chest, I close my eyes and drown in the rhythm of his pulse against my lips. My tears bleed down my cheeks and I’m helpless against their need to escape.

  “Look at me, Sydney.”

  I’m ripped open with a vulnerability that leaves me completely wrecked, and I am weak. In this moment he does the one thing I swore no man would ever do … he owns me.

  Blue irises …

  “I love you,” he whispers.

  Shattered.

  It doesn’t matter that my eyes are flooding and my nose is a sniffly mess. I’ve never felt so beautiful and … loved.

  “Then you’ll let me go,” I choke out with a strangled sob.

  I can physically feel the anguish in his face, but he rescues me anyway with just one … single … nod.

  Hungry lips meet like they’ve been starving for a lifetime. It feels like every second of my life has inexplicably led me to this single moment, and I’m giving everything I’ve ever had to give in this one kiss. I may leave completely empty in two weeks, but it’s worth it … he’s worth it.

  Our entwined bodies melt to the bed and time stops. It doesn’t matter that we’ve known each other only two weeks … I’ve known his touch forever in the warm sun, his breath in the wind, his eyes in the sea.

  “Sydney …” I love my name wrapped in his voice. It feels like he’s branding this bond between us into the depths of eternity.

  He caresses my neck with gentle lips and my breasts with patient hands. The yearning inside me to feel one with him is overwhelming, but I refuse to rush anything. Lautner is making love to me and nobody has ever made love to me. In this moment, I’m certain no one will ever make love to me again.

  “Beautiful …” seductive lips whisper over my navel.

  I’m mesmerized; everything about him is breathtaking. While I ease my fingers through his thick blonde hair, I’m rewarded with blue irises.