Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  “If I were to go blind tomorrow, the last thing in the whole world I would want to see is your eyes,” I whisper with a weak raw voice.

  He rests his chin on my stomach and smiles. “You want to know what you see in my eyes that’s so amazing?”

  “What?” I whisper, brushing my thumb over his thick brow.

  “Your reflection.”

  There are no words. I nudge him with my knee, and he willingly rolls to his back. I straddle him and he grabs my hips. Exposing my breasts, I brush my long hair back over my shoulders. He wets his lips and smiles in appreciation.

  “I’ve been taking my pills.” I stroke him from the base of his cock with a firm grip. “I want to feel you inside me … just you.”

  I expect hesitation in his analytical doctor mind, but if there is any, his body hasn’t received the signal. He lifts my hips and I clasp his firm arms to steady myself as he lowers me onto him, sliding in one breath-hitching inch at a time. My heavy lids close over my eyes while my head falls back with a soft moan vibrating in my throat. I’m filled completely with him, and it feels exquisite having his warm flesh rubbing against mine. It’s so much more intimate.

  “Sydney … you feel so damn good.”

  “Mmm,” I hum, still absorbing the fullness. I swallow hard and peel my eyes open to find his blazing at me … and then we start moving together. It’s an easy, savoring, languid rhythm. I’m not thinking about an orgasm. I’m enraptured in the moment and I don’t want it to ever end.

  I lean forward. “Kiss me.”

  His hands feather across my back taking my hair with them, then he brings my head to his. We’re completely connected, our tongues syncing to the motion of our hips and our hearts keeping beat to the beautiful symphony of love we’re making.

  Time starts to tick again as our movements become more urgent and erratic. The fullness in my breasts and lower abdomen match the engorged feeling between my thighs. I feel Lautner thicken inside me and his breaths are quick and shallow. As much as I want to control it … make it last, I can’t. His hand moves from my breast to my clitoris. He pulses his middle finger against my tight bundle of nerves and rocks his hips up to me in several short, firm thrusts. Hot fluid fills me and he breathes my name at the same moment I call his and fall apart around him. Circling my hips, I take everything he has and give all I have left.

  Exhausted and sweaty, I lie limp on his chest with my face pressed to his neck. The soothing touch of his fingers strumming gentle strokes along my back lulls me to sleep.

  CHAPTER TEN

  June 18th, 2010

  4:00 a.m.

  Nestled on Lautner’s chest, I don’t think I moved all night. His confession still haunts me. The most amazing man I have ever met loves me. It hurts so damn bad. All I want to do is love him back. Screw grad school. To hell with stupid dreams. Nothing will ever compare to how I feel right now. That’s how I know it’s too good to be true. I’m blinded by love. If I don’t find perspective, I’ll end up crashing to the ground when this illusion evaporates.

  I ease off him and grab my laptop. Intending to distance myself from Lautner, I click on iPhoto to delete the pictures I took of him. Blue irises stare back at me as my finger hovers over delete. Turning my head, I look at Lautner. Long lashes resting on his cheeks. Full lips slightly parted. One hand resting on his chest, rising and falling with slow, even breaths. I can’t do it. It feels like goodbye. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I will never be ready to say goodbye. But I’ll do it anyway, just not now.

  I click on another album I’ve been working on for the past month.

  “What’s that?” Lautner’s groggy voice startles me. He sits up and leans against the headboard next to me.

  “Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  Leaning into me, he nuzzles my neck. “You didn’t. I have to get going soon. I need a shower and a change of clothes before I head back to the hospital.”

  I tilt my head to the side resting it on his.

  “Where did you get those pictures?” he asks.

  “I took them.”

  “Are you serious?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, I’m serious. Why?”

  He shrugs. “Just … they’re incredible. Why’d you take them?”

  “A couple I housesat for have a granddaughter with leukemia. They made calendars for donation gifts. It’s actually benefiting twelve children with leukemia, one for each month. Anyone who donates gets a calendar. A local printer gifted all the printing services and I took the photos free of charge.”

  Lautner doesn’t speak. He’s just staring at the screen. The photos are of children with leukemia. They are black and white images, but the props—toys, hats, dress up clothes—are all in color. Most of the children have lost their hair to chemo and they have a thinner frail look to them. But the smiles on their faces and the sparkle captured in their eyes is pure joy. I remember every one of them. Their names, their stories, and their courage is etched in my head and held in my heart. The children felt like celebrities, dressing up and posing for the photo shoot. They felt extra special in that moment. And for one day, they felt normal.

  “Sydney, you’re so talented. I mean … these are really good.”

  I nudge him playfully. “Says the soon-to-be pediatrician who obviously has a soft spot for kids.”

  “Yes, I love kids, but I’m talking about the photos. The lighting, the angles, the added color, the candidness of each one is so … raw and essence-capturing. Your work is … wow!”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m the next Annie Leibovitz. Whatever. It’s just a hobby.” I look at him and he’s shaking his head and pursing his lips in annoyance. “Okay, I’m sorry. Thank you. I really do appreciate the compliment. It means a lot coming from someone with so many talents of his own.”

  A sheepish grin slides up his face. “I want a calendar. I’ll pin it up in the staff lounge as a reminder of why we’re there.”

  I nod and smile. “Okay.” Closing my laptop, I set it on the nightstand. I crawl onto his lap straddling him with my arms wrapped around his neck. “Don’t go,” I say, sticking out my lower lip.

  He leans in and bites it, slowly dragging it through his teeth. “I’ll stay if you stay.”

  I wiggle my hips suggestively. “Mmm, okay. I don’t have anywhere to be.”

  His fingers curl into the skin on my hips to still me. A seriousness washes over his face.

  “No, I mean I’ll stay if you stay.”

  I nod once in understanding, letting my eyes fall from his gaze. “Then you’d better get going.” I climb off him and scoot down turning my back to him and pulling the covers up. The balance in the mattress shifts as he stands.

  “I want you to stay.” His voice is soft behind me as he dresses.

  “I know,” I whisper.

  He walks around the bed and hunches down so his face is inches from mine. “I love you.”

  “I know.” I close my eyes, suck in a slow breath, and let it out in a huff.

  “I’m not expecting you to say it back. I just need you to know so I don’t spend the rest of my life wondering what if.”

  Another nod. “I know.”

  I refuse to open my eyes. He’ll have me. One look and I’ll be his. Hell, I already am his. I just haven’t said the words and I won’t … I can’t.

  Warm lips brush across my forehead. “You know, huh?” His voice is weak and defeated. “Okay then, I’ll call you later.”

  One last nod is all I give him. My heart surges into my sternum like a warning signal, but it’s not my brain so I have to ignore it. Emotions are unreliable, dangerous, and misleading. Fate is for fools who believe in fairytales. I didn’t buy into the whole princess dream when I was a little girl, and I’m sure as hell not going to jump into the golden carriage now only to find myself sitting on a pumpkin surrounded by mice when the ball is over.

  *

  June 19th, 2010

  “Hey, Ave. What’s up?” I answer my phone while walking Swa
rley.

  “I’m making breakfast for Caden. He’s still in bed. We’ve had the best weekend.” Her voice is soft, just above a whisper.

  “Wow! Have you ever made breakfast for a guy before?”

  “Do you really have to ask?”

  I laugh. “I suppose not. So things are getting serious?”

  “I think so. He’s so different from any guy I’ve ever known. He’s smart and sweet and he’s so attentive in bed. If you know what I mean.” She giggles.

  Scrunching my nose, I respond. “Yeah, I know but I don’t really want to.”

  “I like him, Sam.” The seriousness in her voice brings out the protective big sister in me.

  “I’m happy for you, just … be careful. He’s been burned and that could make him emotionally unavailable for a while. You have to consider the possibility that he’s a nice guy who is good in bed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than that. Okay?”

  “Duly noted, Sam. I have to go. Call you later.”

  “Bye, Ave.”

  I sigh and look down at my walking partner. “Oh, Swarley. Avery is getting in over her head. I think I may be too. Any advice?”

  Swarley stops and drops a load in the grassy easement.

  “Nice. Is this your response? What are you trying to tell me. Shit or get off the pot? Or just that I’m full of shit?”

  *

  I feed Swarley, shower, and wait on the front porch with my beach bag. This is our last full day together. I’m anxious for it to begin, but once it does, I’ll never want it to end. Lautner called me Friday after he got home. We made small talk. He sounded tired and I wasn’t sure of what to say, so we didn’t talk long. Yesterday he texted me during his lunch break to let me know what time he would pick me up today. I want to say that I didn’t wait up for him to call me last night … but I did. However, he never called.

  I woke with a heavy heart this morning, so I decided to just say “fuck it.” It would be insane to not enjoy every day of a vacation just because it’s inevitably going to end. Lautner and I are going to end. The timing is all wrong and I will not be fooled by the illusion of fate. But I am going to enjoy every second I have left with him. I’ve surpassed the you-might-get-hurt line by the span of an ocean. I’ll deal with the consequences later.

  As the familiar black 4-Runner turns into the drive, I jump to my feet and grab my bag. There’s no time for cool and casual. I fly down the stairs and sprint to him just as he gets out. I’m airborne leaping into his strong arms, wrapping my legs and arms around him.

  “Whoa! Someone’s a little excited to see me.” He laughs, hugging me tight to him.

  I pull back to find my blue irises. My face hurts from grinning so big. “Shut up and kiss me.”

  Lautner doesn’t hesitate. Everything about him overwhelms my senses: his minty mouth, his intoxicating, musky scent, his strong body that envelopes every inch of mine, his sexy growl, and those fucking Medusa eyes.

  My legs squeeze him with everything they have while my hands splay across his cheeks reveling in the smoothness of his freshly shaven face. Our kiss ends breathlessly.

  “I love it when you’re bossy.” He rubs his nose against me.

  “You do, huh? In that case, take me to the beach … a very private beach.” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively.

  He sets me down and smacks my butt. “Get in, we have a quick stop to make before you go streaking across the beach.”

  Walking around to my side, I stick out my tongue. “Not funny.”

  *

  We pull up to a community center where there is a large bus painted white and red with a heart on the side and the words: Give Blood for Life.

  “Did you have breakfast?” he asks.

  “Yeah—”

  “Are you hydrated?” he continues.

  “Uh … yeah. I drank a bottle of water on my walk with Swarley, and I had a can of coconut water when I got back. Why? What are we doing?” I attempt to keep my voice strong and steady in spite of the nervous apprehension that floods my system.

  “Donating blood. My mom and a group of her friends organized a blood drive in honor of their friend who was recently hospitalized after a severe car accident.”

  “Oh … okay.”

  “Have you given blood before?” Lautner asks while he unfastens his seat belt.

  “Once, my senior year of high school when we hosted a community blood drive.”

  “Great, so you know what to expect.” He gets out and comes around to my side.

  Yeah, I know what to expect: blurred vision, muffled hearing, dizziness, and the pungent smell of ammonia bringing me out of the darkness.

  He opens my door and my knees are already weak.

  “Let’s go talk to my mom.”

  We walk over to where a group of ladies are standing around tables filled with water, juices, and cookies.

  “There’s my boy,” Rebecca calls, opening her arms.

  Lautner embraces his mom with affection. “Hey, Mom.” He releases her and grabs my hand again, interlacing our fingers. “You remember Sydney.”

  “Of course. So nice to see you again. I really appreciate you both coming by to donate today.”

  “It’s for a great cause. However, I’m sorry to hear about your friend.”

  “Thank you, dear. She’s been in a coma for two weeks now, but we’re very hopeful she’ll come out soon.”

  I nod and smile politely.

  “Come on, baby, let’s get our paperwork filled out.” Lautner pulls me toward another table with clipboards and forms to fill out. I look for a reaction from his mom after he uses his term of endearment—baby—but it doesn’t seem to phase her at all. I like Rebecca. She seems genuine and kind. It shouldn’t matter since I’m not planning on returning to Palo Alto, but I want her to like me. I don’t want her to remember me as the girl that broke her boy’s heart. Is it possible I could break Lautner’s heart?

  We fill out our forms and Lautner takes the first opening.

  “Sydney Montgomery.” A young short-haired brunette calls my name.

  My mouth feels dry and my clenched teeth begin to chatter. “Me.” I force a smile while walking to the bus.

  Lautner’s smile beams the moment I walk onto the bloodmobile. “Right here.” He pats the seat next to him with his free hand.

  I try not to stare at the needle in his arm or the blood draining into the tubing. It’s not that I normally get queasy or light-headed from someone else’s blood, but the anxiety over what I’m certain is about to happen has me feeling all sorts of unwelcome sensations.

  “So I see on your form you’ve donated before but you fainted afterward?”

  I look at Lautner while she puts the tourniquet around my arm. His brows furrow a bit.

  “Low blood sugar?” he questions.

  I shrug with a sheepish smile. “Maybe.”

  It has nothing to do with my blood sugar, but I choose to stick with that explanation anyway.

  “Well you had a good breakfast and we’ll get you some juice right away so you’ll be fine.”

  “Yeah … I’ll be fine.” I repeat with a tight-lipped smile, nodding my head repeatedly.

  A quick alcohol swab, a small stick, release the tourniquet, and viola, the clear tubing turns red. This is the easy part. I have good veins and the stick doesn’t bother me. It’s standing up when I’m done that seems to be the problem. I’ve donated blood only once, but I faint every time blood is taken. It doesn’t matter if it’s less than an ounce or a full pint … I’m out for the count.

  “We won’t be surfing today. No strenuous activity after donating blood.”

  I look at him. “Surfing is a strenuous activity?”

  He purses his lips to the side and smirks. “Well, it is for one of us.”

  “Once again, not funny.” I roll my eyes.

  Lautner waits inside with me until I’m done. He hands me a cup of juice before I even try to stand. “Drink this and just give yourself a
moment before standing. Okay?”

  I nod and do as I’m told.

  “Did you know every two seconds someone needs donated blood? And for every donation up to three lives can be saved?” Lautner hunches down between my legs with his hands on my hips.

  I love his passion for helping people. It goes beyond the obvious, his degree in medicine. There’s no doubt in my mind that had he followed his career in football he would have been one of those players who used his money and celebrity status to do great things off the field too. The first day he took me to the beach I saw him picking up trash along the shoreline while I was making a fool of myself in the water. He has an innate desire to do good.

  “You’re a good man, Lautner—what’s your middle name?”

  “Asher.” He leans down and kisses my bandage. “It means happy and blessed.”

  “Well, you’re a good man, Lautner Asher Sullivan.”

  “That means a lot coming from you.” He winks.

  “Pfft … I may be a preacher’s daughter, but I’m not exactly a missionary out to save the world.”

  “No, you just gave up your childhood to help raise your sister. Now you’re working to put yourself through school and volunteering your professional photography skills to help families of children with leukemia. And you just donated blood.”

  “Thanks, Saint Lautner.” I grab his face and kiss him soundly on his lips. “Now, let’s get this over with.”

  He stands and holds out his hand. “You’re fine.”

  Okay—

  I stand and Lautner gives me the see-I-told-you-so look. Then, with little warning, my hearing goes, my head is dizzy, and the lights fade. I’m out.

  *

  “Now I just feel like crap,” Lautner says, setting out our lunch on the blanket at what I’m officially calling “our beach.” “I’m still amazed that you fainted. Are you sure you ate breakfast?”

  I lie on my back and flip my sunglasses down over my eyes. “It’s no big deal. And yes, I ate breakfast. I can’t believe you’re still here. Seriously, I’m a disaster. I’m noncommittal. I’m a fainter. I’m a terrible drunk. And I advertised my menstrual cycle to you after knowing you for only five days. Five days! You should have been yelling ‘crazy bitch’ and running for the hills.”