Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  “Okay, Sydney, one more push, you’ve made it past the hard part.”

  Finding strength from some unknown place, I push once more and the room erupts into cheers, laughter, and tears.

  “You did it!” Avery is ecstatic.

  The nurses congratulate me as Dr. Wiggins hands me my baby. “Meet your daughter, Sydney.”

  I take her in my arms and she cries for the first time. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world. Nine months of emotion pours from my eyes. I can’t stop the tears. I’m in love, and yet the moment is bittersweet. Avery has been my rock, but she’s not the person I imagined holding my hand and cutting the cord.

  “Do you have a name picked out?” the nurse asks.

  With gentle strokes, I brush my fingers over her dark hair and she opens her eyes.

  Blue irises.

  I read that most babies are born with blue or grey irises, but somewhere inside I just know she has her daddy’s eyes.

  “Ocean … Ocean Ann.” I whisper looking at the most amazing sight I have ever seen.

  I look up at Avery and I think of my mom and her letter to me.

  I just made my mark in this world, Mom.

  *

  March 12th, 2011

  Six months ago I made the difficult and anguishing decision to not tell Lautner. Two days after I left his apartment with the new knowledge about his mom, I ended up in the hospital after passing out. Luckily, Dane and I were supposed to meet at the dog park and he came looking for me when I didn’t show up. The doctor said it was a combination of stress and dehydration.

  My priorities shifted. I couldn’t risk adding Lautner’s stress to mine. The only thing that mattered was our baby. Now I know she’s the only thing that will ever matter. My hands were made to hold her and my heart beats to love her.

  Trevor and Elizabeth sold their house in November. I contemplated finding a place to rent in L.A., but I’d already booked freelancing jobs in both Palo Alto and San Francisco into the middle of February. Enter Dane. He owns several rental properties and one became available in December. He offered to let me rent it month-to-month—an offer I could not refuse. It’s a quaint little two-bedroom, all-brick home with a fenced-in backyard perfect for my adopted son—Swarley. I stand by the simple truth … he gets me, and now I’ve got him.

  “Shh … quiet, Swarley!” Avery chastises his loud greeting as she sets the baby carrier down by the sofa.

  “He’s just welcoming her.” I laugh, taking a still sleeping Ocean out of her carrier. “She’s been hearing his ‘voice’ for months. I’m sure it won’t phase her.”

  “What can we get you for lunch?” Elizabeth asks, following my dad through the front door.

  Sitting on the couch with the whole world swaddled in my arms, I smile. “Whatever. There’s not much here.”

  “Dane is at the store as we speak, but for now we’ll go pick something up.” My dad bends down and presses a gentle kiss to Ocean’s head. The adoring sparkle in his eyes is stirring.

  “Dane has done way too much already. He shouldn’t be buying my groceries.” I roll my eyes.

  Avery sits next to me as Elizabeth and my dad leave to get lunch. “Yeah, you try and tell him that. He would sacrifice his left nut before he’d let you want or need for anything.”

  I shake my head. “I know. He’s such a good friend. I don’t know how I would have survived these past few months without him.”

  “Pfft … friend? Whatever. Dane has complete Sydney tunnel vision. He could be in a room full of naked models and still choose to rub hemorrhoid cream on your ass.”

  “Shut up.” I giggle. “I don’t have hemorrhoids, and Dane and I are just friends.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  June 3rd, 2011

  Ocean is almost three months and I’ve never adored anything so much. Her beautiful blue eyes are both haunting and mesmerizing. Avery keeps sending me listings for rentals in L.A. She thinks we should get a place together so she can help with Ocean. It’s tempting, but I don’t want her life to revolve around mine. For now, I’m content with my life in Palo Alto. Avery thinks it’s the close proximity to Lautner, but it’s not. At least, I hope I’m not that pathetic.

  I continue to book more jobs, keeping them to evenings and weekends per Dane’s suggestion. When I tried to place an ad for a part-time nanny, he came completely undone. He insisted I work my schedule so he can stay with Ocean, even going so far as to roping his assistant, Kimberly, into being his backup in case he gets called away for an emergency.

  Lautner has taken up permanent residency in my thoughts. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at Ocean and not think of him. Recently, I’ve thought about telling him. He has no idea he’s missing out on part of his own life, a perfect and beautiful essence of us. What’s been most surprising is Dane, who played Lautner’s advocate for months after he found out I was pregnant, is now the one who’s making me doubt my decision to tell him. He thinks Ocean will not remember this time in her life, so risking a custody battle is unnecessary right now. I can’t fathom the idea of Lautner and Dr. Brown driving off with my baby for a weekend, a week, or longer. The protectiveness I feel toward her is fierce.

  “There are two bottles in the fridge and frozen milk in the freezer. Extra diapers are in—”

  “Go, Sydney.” Dane laughs while playing with a cooing Ocean on the floor. “I know where everything is. The quicker you leave, the sooner you’ll return so just … go.”

  Kneeling on the floor, I nuzzle her neck then playfully pinch Dane’s cheek. “You’re too good to me.”

  He winks.

  I grab my purse and camera bag. “Call if you—”

  “Go!” he yells with a huge grin.

  *

  The rehearsal dinner photos take about two hours. It’s the seven plus hours I’ll be gone tomorrow photographing the wedding and reception that will cause major Ocean withdrawal.

  It’s nearly ten o’clock by the time I pull into the dark drive. Easing the front door open, I’m greeted with another irresistible photo opportunity. Dane is reclined on the sofa with Ocean hugging his chest like a koala bear as they both sleep. I snap several quick photos and before I get my camera put back in my bag, Dane wakes.

  “Hey,” he whispers, easing to a sitting positing.

  I smile as we make the gentle baby exchange. After laying her down in the bedroom, I pad back out to the living room. Dane is by the door slipping on his shoes.

  “She give you any trouble?”

  He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, leaving his hand lingering against my skin. “She was perfect, just like her mom.”

  I’m paralyzed with something … fear? Bending down, his lips hover over mine. He moves the last inch and I turn just enough to offer my cheek instead.

  “I can’t … I’m sorry. It’s just—”

  He shakes his head. “It’s fine. I don’t want to push you. I just … like you … a lot.”

  I force a smile. Calling Dane an amazing guy sounds generic. He’s more than that, but I don’t have the right words yet, so I say nothing.

  “Goodnight. I’ll be here by noon tomorrow.”

  I nod. “Thank you.”

  He turns to leave but before he gets out the door, I grab his wrist. “I mean it. What you’ve done for me … what you’re doing for me is just—”

  He shrugs. “It’s fine. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.”

  Another forced smile tugs at my lips, but my eyes don’t quite reach his before he pulls away and walks to his car.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  November 16th, 2012

  Where has the time gone? Ocean is getting ready to celebrate her second Thanksgiving. Dark brown wavy hair and ocean blue eyes rule me. She’s the alpha and omega of my life. This girl of mine has had more photos taken of her than any celebrity ever.

  Dane has become a part of our lives as much as Swarley. Not that I’m comparing him to a dog. Okay, maybe I am. The truth is …
he is like family—I just have yet to define his role. We’re definitely friends, and the line between that and more is blurry. Holding hands in the park and eating dinner together almost every night is the more part. There has been the occasional kiss too, but it doesn’t lead to anything else. Dane is waiting on me, I can feel it. I think he would wait forever.

  The lingering thoughts of telling Lautner about Ocean have nearly vanished—nearly. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s the fraction of doubt, the damn what if that’s holding me back from completely moving on. Dane knows it too. I see him trying to fill the father role with Ocean, but I won’t completely allow it. Do I want Ocean to know her father someday? Will she hate me like I know Lautner would? These questions are agonizing and the answers aren’t so simple.

  Dane has been out of town for the past week at a conference. He gets home tonight and it’s pathetic how eager I am for some adult conversation. In the meantime, Ocean and I are on our way to the park, specifically the park Lautner took me to watch Brayden fly his remote control plane. Ocean loves watching the kids, and since it’s unseasonably warm today, I can’t resist getting some fresh air with her.

  “Do you want to see some air planes?” I ask her while unfastening her from her carseat.

  Her bright-eyed enthusiasm matches mine as she bolts from the car running toward the grassy hill. Those little feet of hers can barely keep up with the energy of her eager legs.

  “Ocean, wait for Mommy!” I grab her jacket and chase after her.

  Nabbing her before she makes it to the top of the hill, I maneuver her squirmy body into her pink fleece jacket.

  “Look!” I point to the sky where a low flying remote control plane buzzes over us.

  She squeals with delight as her mouth tries to form the correct word. “Pane!” Her attention is quickly stolen by the little soccer ball I toss down by her feet. “Ball.” Ocean picks it up and starts running with it, obviously partial to her dad’s type of football, not mine.

  The park is crowded today; we weren’t the only ones who decided to get out and enjoy the warm weather. I keep a close distance behind my wandering daughter as I take in the diverse crowd. Families, couples, groups of guys with more expensive hobby planes, and even a few single people with their K-9 companions are spread out over the large open area. Guess I’d better not tell Swarley there were other dogs here.

  Something catches my eye, or someone catches my eye. It’s been two and a half years and there’s probably fifty yards between us, but I’d recognize that figure anywhere.

  Lautner.

  He’s wearing faded jeans and a black hoodie and his back is to me. I don’t see anyone else with him. His head tilts back as he follows a plane overhead. My heart pounds in my chest. This is it. I’m not sure why, but this feels like the moment.

  “Ocean?” I call out and she runs to me.

  I scoop her up in my arms. “Want to meet your daddy?” I whisper more to myself than to her.

  I take a tentative step forward then stop. “Oh my God!” I breathe. My lungs fight for air as the life is sucked out of them.

  As if out of nowhere, a woman with long black hair appears and wraps her arms around him and he’s … kissing her. He’s holding her in his arms and lifting her petite frame off the ground. The kiss is intimate. I know because he once kissed me like that. Visions of thunderstorms and Lautner hiding the keys flash in my head. Our wet bodies moving with eagerness and desperation. Caressing hands. Hungry lips. Blue irises.

  Fight or flight takes over. I’m running toward the car with Ocean in my arms gasping for each and every breath.

  “Ball,” she cries.

  The ball is back beyond the hill, but I can’t go back.

  “Ball!” Her voice escalates as I fumble with the latch to her carseat.

  “I know, sweetie. Mommy will get you a new one. I promise.”

  Tears form in her eyes and she’s fighting against my efforts to get her fastened in, legs kicking, arms flailing.

  After I finally get her in, we make the emotional drive home. Ocean cries for her ball. I cry because I just got the closure I needed but not the closure I wanted. I had a moment’s glimpse, when I first saw him, of us as a family. An indulgent and unrealistic part of me thought he’d turn around and see us and fall in love with Ocean for the first time. I thought he would fall in love with me all over again. I was wrong.

  Ocean has cried herself to sleep. I carry her limp body inside and put her in bed. I’m tempted to crawl in next to her and go to sleep too. Maybe I’d wake up and realize this was all a nightmare. All this time I’ve imagined Lautner with Dr. Brown. I should feel relieved that it wasn’t her in his arms, but I’m not. Seeing him with anyone else is an excruciatingly painful feeling—one I may never forget.

  The bottle of Merlot in the kitchen calls to me. I pour myself a glass, stick my phone in the dock, and play some music. “In Your Eyes” plays. Out of over a thousand songs, the shuffle mode picks this one. Life is cruel.

  By the time I finish my second glass, I decide to quit. Ocean is my world now, my first priority, and I need to be a responsible and sober mom to her.

  “Hey …” Dane calls from the back door.

  “In here.” My voice lacks the enthusiasm it should have. After all, I’ve been missing him all week.

  He sits down beside me, pulls me into his arms, and kisses the side of my head. “Where’s the little bundle of energy?”

  “Swarley’s out back. Didn’t you see him?”

  Dane laughs and squeezes me tighter. “You know who I’m talking about.”

  I slide my hand along his chest, returning his embrace. “She’s out. Running around the park exhausted her. Then we lost her ball and she had a complete meltdown in the car.”

  “Hmm, bummer. I missed her and couldn’t wait to get home to see her.”

  I tilt my chin up to look at him. My body feels a slight warm buzz. “Just her, huh?”

  He swallows. “No—”

  Grabbing the back of his head, I find myself making a bold move I never imagined making. I kiss him. He starts to pull away so I climb up on him, straddling him, and show him I don’t want him to stop. Today, I lost a part of myself and the void is raw. I need this. I need to move on. I need … Dane.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  June 22nd, 2013

  THE WEDDING

  “Do you, Sydney, take Dane to be your lawfully wedded husband to—”

  “Ocean!” Avery’s shrill voice sends chills through my body.

  “Ocean!” I yell. “Somebody, get help!”

  My baby girl, my heart, my whole entire world is passed out on the ground. Her body is rigid with convulsing waves shaking her and her eyes are rolled back into her head but not closed.

  “Oh God! Somebody, please help!” My voice cracks.

  Her little lips are tuning blue.

  “No! No!” My pleas seem to be falling on deaf ears. Why isn’t anyone helping?

  “Sydney, calm down. She’s going to be fine.” Dane’s voice is calm but it feels like sandpaper on my nerves.

  “She’s not fine! Her lips are blue. She’s not breathing!”

  “She’s had a seizure. Look, honey, she’s breathing. It’s going to be okay.”

  All the voices around me turn to echoes. I pray for God to save her, to take me instead. My baby … my sweet little Ocean …

  The ride in the ambulance is a blur. I’m being asked so many questions and my mouth is moving, but I’m not sure what I’m saying. Ocean’s eyes find mine. Blue irises. She’s coherent and breathing. Color has returned to her lips but she’s crying. My baby is scared. The bottom part of her dress is soiled, and a section of my tulle skirt is ripped from climbing into the back of the ambulance in frantic desperation.

  They ask me if I have a hospital preference but I can’t answer. We’re in L.A. and nothing is familiar. Dane suggested we have the wedding here since Avery lives here and his family is here. They’ve been wonderful h
elp planning everything, but right now, I wish we were in Palo Alto. Dr. Erickson, Ocean’s pediatrician, would set my mind at ease. She’s been more than a doctor to Ocean; she’s been a friend to me and helped me though all my concerns and apprehension of being a new mom.

  “Mommy!” Ocean cries.

  “I’m right here, baby.” I lean over and hug her, trying to calm her nerves. The lights and strangers looking down on her has to be scary.

  We arrive at the emergency entrance and Ocean’s cries become louder as they wheel her inside. Dane, Avery, and my dad are right behind us. The nurse shoves a clipboard at me and all I want to do is smack her in the face with it. Lucky for her, Dane takes it and starts filling out the forms.

  My stupid dress catches on everything and the ripped pieces at the bottom keep getting caught on my heels.

  “Miss or Mrs. …” the nurse questions.

  “Miss, I mean Mrs., wait no we didn’t … Sydney, my name is Sydney.” My jumbled brain can’t piece anything together. I should be Mrs. Abbott, but I don’t think we officially made it that far. I’m sure the big white dress has her confused.

  “Sydney, we’re going to run a few tests then the doctor will speak with you.”

  I nod. My heart is broken. The sound of her cries has crushed me. She was calling my name, but there was nothing I could do. Now they’ve taken her for these tests and I know she’s scared and she needs me.

  Time is irrelevant. I haven’t looked at a clock. Maybe it’s been an hour, maybe it’s been ten. To me, it feels like eternity.

  “We’re done with the tests. I’ll take you to her room,” the nurse says.

  “Baby!” I can’t hold back the tears as I embrace her frail little body. Her red eyes are glazed and her eyelids are heavy. I kiss her tear-stained cheek, brushing her dark hair away from her face.

  “She was dehydrated so we’re giving her IV fluids and, as you know, we gave her a mild sedative for the tests we did. It should wear off in an hour or so. The on-call pediatrician will be in shortly to discuss the test results.”