Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  “Thank you,” Dane responds while rubbing gentle circles on my back.

  Ocean’s eyes close, I kiss her forehead, and pull up a chair right next to her bed.

  My dad hands me a bottle of water. I shake my head. “Drink it. I don’t need two of my girls dehydrated.”

  Reluctantly, I grab it and take a few sips. “We should have postponed the wedding. I knew she wasn’t feeling well. God, I feel like such a terrible mo—”

  “Shh … stop.” Dane massages my bare shoulders. “I know how scary it looked, but it was most likely a febrile seizure caused by fever and a viral infection. She’s going to be fine.”

  I fold my arms and rest them on the edge of her bed with my head down. Dane’s trying so hard to be reassuring, but it’s not helping. This place is driving me crazy. I just want to be back home with my little girl. To hell with the wedding, to hell with everything. Yesterday, when she first started feeling sick, my instincts were to postpone, but everyone tried to talk me out of it, saying I was overreacting. Well, who’s overreacting now?

  “Hi there I’m—”

  My head jerks up so fast I’m certain I’ve given myself whiplash. No. Fucking. Way!

  The room is silent with the exception of Ocean’s monitors.

  “Oh shit.” I hear Avery whisper.

  He clears his throat. Lautner clears his throat. “Dr. Sullivan, I’m Dr. Sullivan.”

  Blue irises.

  He quickly diverts his eyes from mine to the peanut gallery behind me.

  “We’ll just … wait outside while the good doctor does … uh … his thing,” Avery suggests to everyone.

  Our families trail out of the room in a single-file line. I glance back at Dane, but he doesn’t budge.

  “Can you give us a minute,” I whisper.

  His frown shows his obvious displeasure. He leans down and kisses my neck then exits the room without acknowledging Lautner.

  I wish I could say after three years he didn’t affect me, but I can’t.

  “Hi,” I whisper, nervous hands fiddling with my tulle skirt.

  His eyes fall from mine back to the chart in his hands, his lips in a firm line. He swallows hard. “Ocean Ann Montgomery … you had a baby.”

  It’s not a question. In fact, I’m not sure if he’s even aware that he’s saying the words aloud.

  I’m chewing a crater on the inside of my cheek. He looks at me and I give him a slow nod. The tension is thick and suffocating.

  His eyes travel over me. “Nice dress.” He frowns.

  I stare at my hands. After all this time the words should be here but they’re not. My last nerve has been frayed today and my brain is ready to explode.

  “The ER doctor ordered blood and urine tests, CAT scan, and an EEG. She had a febrile seizure, most likely from a fever caused by a viral infection. Nothing of any concern showed up on the tests. This is not an uncommon occurrence in young children and she should be just fine. However, since she was dehydrated we’re going to keep her overnight, but she should be able to go home in the morning. Do you have any questions?”

  I hear his voice but I can’t make out all the words. The frigidness of his tone and the lack of emotion has rendered me speechless.

  “Mrs. Abbott, do you have any questions?”

  The jab is obvious and intentional and what I need to snap out of my shock. My back is up and I’m ready to strike back.

  “Mommy.” A soft voice sounds.

  “Hey, baby.” With gentle hands, I brush back her hair and kiss her forehead.

  “Hi, Ocean. I’m Dr. Sully.” His voice has magically transformed into a soothing harmony. “Do you want to listen to my heart?” He holds out his stethoscope.

  Her eyes are barely open, but she grabs for it anyway. Gently adjusting it in her ears, he holds the opposite end to his chest. Her kissable little cherry lips curl into a soft smile. He grabs for something in his coat pocket.

  “Can I look at your eyes?”

  She nods, still struggling to open her eyes.

  I hold my breath as he uses one hand to hold the instrument with a light on it up to his eye and his other hand to pull up her eye lid. My whole world starts to collapse around me.

  “Your eyes are … beautiful.” His voice cracks, then he clears his throat and takes the stethoscope from her. “Can I listen to your heart now?”

  She nods.

  Lautner doesn’t look at me, not one glance even acknowledging I’m still in the room.

  He drapes the stethoscope around his neck and squeezes her hand. He might as well be squeezing my heart. “You’re perfect, but since it’s getting late, I think you should stay here and go home in the morning. Would that be okay?”

  She looks at me and I squeeze her other hand and smile. “I’ll be right here all night. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She nods.

  “I’ll make sure you get something to eat, then I’ll be back in the morning. Okay?” He’s still holding her hand.

  She smiles at him and I can barely breathe. All my blue irises—it’s too much.

  I stand, waiting for him to look at me, but he doesn’t. He turns and leaves the room.

  What the hell?

  “Dane, Aunt Avery, and Grandpa are outside. Do you want to see them?”

  Ocean smiles. “Yes.”

  I poke my head out the door and they’re all standing there. There’s no hiding the questions they have etched on their faces, ready to jump off their tongues, but I can’t answer them now.

  “She wants to see you.”

  Everyone rushes in except for Dane.

  “Go on in. I’ll be right back.”

  He doesn’t respond. His eyes fall to the floor and he walks past me into the room.

  Lautner is standing at the nurses’ station, typing something into the computer. I lean up against the counter in front of him. He ignores me.

  “Can we talk?”

  He still ignores me. The nurse next to him looks back and forth between us.

  “Lautner?”

  He looks at me with cold steel eyes then turns and strides down the hall.

  “Lautner?” I yell after him.

  He ignores me as he slams open the door leading to the stairwell.

  He’s down the first set of stairs by the time I make it through the door.

  “Lautner, stop!” I call after him as the door shuts with a loud bang behind me.

  He stops, hands on his hips, back to me. “She’s mine.” Again, it’s not a question.

  I chased him down the corridor and yet words fail me again.

  He turns, chest heaving, eyes piercing.

  Fear slams into me and my protective mommy shield comes up. I shake my head.

  “I saw her date of birth. Don’t lie to me!”

  Tears sting my eyes as I continue to shake my head.

  “SHE HAS MY FUCKING EYES! DON’T. LIE. TO. ME!”

  A sob rips its way out of my chest. “I—I—wanted to tell—you.”

  “You what?” He looks toward the ceiling and shakes his head while laughing. “Un … believable. You wanted to tell me. How is that even possible? I’ve lived in the same apartment until three weeks ago. My cell phone number hasn’t changed. Yet …” he glares at me “…you expect me to believe you wanted to tell me?”

  I wipe my eyes and can see from the black smudges on my fingers that I’ve just smeared my mascara across my face. “I went to your apartment.”

  His forehead wrinkles in confusion.

  I cross my arms over my chest. “Dr. Brown answered the door … In. A. Bath. Towel.”

  Lautner shakes his head. “I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “Now who’s lying? I’m not going to stand here and let you make me feel guilty. I tried to tell you.” I turn, open the door, and stomp back down the hall.

  “Wait just a goddam minute!” His voice is a growl again as he clenches his fingers around my arm and spins me toward him. “You’re not get
ting off that easy. Make up all the excuses and lies you want, but it’s been three fucking years and I’m not buying any of it.”

  “I suggest you take your hand off her now!” Dane’s deep voice sounds behind me.

  Lautner’s gaze shoots past me as he releases my arm. “Well played, Dane.” He shakes his head with a sadistic smirk on his face. “You could have said something … but you didn’t. Well, you can have her.” His eyes fall to me for a brief second then focus back on Dane. “But you’re sure as hell are never going to have my daughter.” He turns and heads back toward the stairwell.

  I collapse into Dane’s arms—scared and confused.

  *

  June 23rd, 2013

  Dane and I didn’t speak anymore of Lautner last night. Ocean was our focus and with our families hovering it wouldn’t have been the opportune time anyway. Everyone is waiting for my instruction. Will the wedding go on? If so, when? Should out-of-town guests stay or go home? Then there’s all the food from the reception, cake, and gifts waiting to be shuffled to a new location.

  Dane has gone to get us breakfast and caffeine while I wait with my bright-eyed baby for her to be discharged. Ocean seems to be feeling much better this morning. She has color back in her cheeks and her signature sparkle in her blue eyes.

  She’s sitting on my lap, dressed and ready to go. Dr. Sullivan is taking his sweet time this morning, no doubt planning his next venomous attack on my already fragile psyche.

  “Good morning! How’s my favorite patient?” The irony in his comment brings an immediate frown to my face.

  He can’t see it though, because once again, he’s looking only at Ocean. Holding out his hands, she willingly goes to him and it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. He sets her on the bed and starts baby talking to her while he checks her over.

  “My girl is perfect!”

  My? The hell!

  “Let’s go, Ocean.” Swooping her up in my arms, I head toward the door just as Dane walks in.

  “She’s fine. Let’s go.” I try to push him back out of the room, my eyes pleading in desperation for him to just go with it.

  “Sydney?” Lautner’s cool voice calls.

  I sigh and roll my eyes, handing Ocean to Dane. “Go. I’ll meet you out front.”

  He nods and takes her. I turn but stay in the door way.

  Lautner sits on the edge of the bed, resting his hands on either side. “I don’t want to fight with you, but I’m not going to let you just walk out of here with her as if nothing has changed.”

  I hate the rebel tears that fill my eyes. “I can’t lose her,” I whisper, shaking my head and biting my lips together.

  He stands and walks to the door. I flinch as his hand nears my face. Pausing for a moment, he looks at me with a tense, pained expression. Then he moves his thumb to my cheek and wipes away a stray tear. I fight the urge to lean into his touch.

  “I don’t want to take her away from you, Sydney.” His voice is soft and kind. It’s the first bit of compassion I’ve felt from him in three years. “I promise. I just want to see her. I want to be her dad.”

  I sniffle and clear my throat. “We live in Palo Alto, not here in L.A.”

  He shrugs. “So what? I’ll come visit or maybe she could stay here with me and Emma for a few days each month.”

  “Whoa, what? Who’s Emma?” I take a step back. The scene from the park comes to mind. I think I know who Emma is.

  He chews on the corner of his lip. “She’s my fiancée.”

  I’m still wearing my wedding gown, so I’m not sure why that last word cut so deep … but it did.

  I shake my head. “No way. You’re not taking my two-year-old child and using her to play house with your fiancée. She’s doesn’t know you or Emma, and she’s not old enough to understand.” I turn and walk toward the elevator.

  “Sydney?” Lautner calls.

  The doors open but before they close he manages to squeeze through them.

  “Don’t do this. Please don’t turn this into a stupid battle,” he pleads, but I hear a slight edge of warning in his voice.

  I sigh and stare at the red numbers counting down the floors. “You can come visit and when my schedule allows I’ll drive her down here, but she stays with me. I go where she goes.”

  The elevator chimes and the doors open. I step off and turn back toward Lautner. He’s slumped against the back of the elevator, arms crossed over his chest.

  “Take it or leave it,” I say with a firm voice.

  “I’ll take it. Next weekend I’m coming up. Clear your schedule.” There’s no humor in his voice as the doors slide shut.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  June 24th, 2013

  It feels so good to be home, even if my wedding turned into an epic catastrophe. Dane’s parents and my family tried to delay the events until Ocean got out of the hospital yesterday, but I couldn’t. Putting one foot in front of the other to walk to the car was difficult. Speaking was even more challenging, so continuing a marriage ceremony was out of the question. I can’t think about the money, or confused relatives, or my fiancé and his shattered ego.

  Ocean and Lautner. That’s it, that’s all I can think about. There is no way to explain this to a two-year-old. What will I say about Lautner’s new presence in her life? The poor child will think she’s sick all the time with Dr. Sully around. I need to find some books on this matter or seek professional help. It seems like there are probably windows of opportunity to introduce a new parent into a child’s life. The first one of course would have been when she was an infant. In my completely unprofessional opinion, the next opportunity shouldn’t be until she’s older and able to understand what happened, like maybe in ten years. I’m sure Lautner will go for that. “Hey, big guy, sorry I kept this from you for three years, but if it’s all the same to you, I think we should wait another ten. I’ll call ya.”

  Yesterday’s trip home and settling in is a blur. I’m not sure if Dane and I said more than two words to each other. Now this morning he’s gone for a run. Ocean is still sleeping and I’m trying to figure out where to put all of our stuff. Last month Dane found a renter for the house we’d been living in. We’re now moved into his house, our house.

  “Hey,” Dane says though labored breaths as the front door opens.

  Standing in the middle of the living room surrounded by boxes, I feel quite overwhelmed.

  “Hey.” I smile.

  “Are you thinking of unpacking or taking off?”

  His question is a sucker punch.

  “Dane … I’m not … just because I did’t go through with everything doesn’t mean I’m leaving.”

  He hangs his head and shifts his weight side to side. “It’s just that … I saw the way you looked at him and—”

  “Wait! How did I look at him? Like I was scared out of my mind that he was going to know? Like my whole damn world was falling apart around me? Like my baby girl was going to be taken away from me? Because that’s it. Whatever else you think you saw is in your head not mine.”

  The grimace on Dane’s face sends waves of regret through me. I sigh. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to take this out on you. My head is ready to explode and the last thing I need is to have to worry about you feeling insecure.” I move to him and take his hands in mine. “We will get married. Okay?”

  He nods then walks to the stairs.

  “Dane?”

  He turns.

  “What did Lautner mean by ‘you could have said something?’”

  He runs his hands through his sweaty hair and shakes his head. “I saw him at a coffee shop a month before you had Ocean. But it wasn’t my place to tell him.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shrugs. “For the same reason you didn’t tell him. You didn’t need the stress. Ocean was your number one priority and, well … both of you were mine.”

  *

  June 25th, 2013

  Dane and I were supposed to be honeymooning i
n Mexico, but there has to be an official marriage to make the honeymoon legit. Since he’s had this week marked off on his schedule anyway, he’s decided to do some needed maintenance around his clinic. Ocean and I have been unpacking and reorganizing. One of the spare bedrooms is filled with wedding gifts, gifts I refuse to open or even acknowledge until I’m officially Mrs. Abbott.

  Ocean is in her booster seat eating peanut butter and jelly. “In Your Eyes” plays from my phone sending the most unnerving chills down my spine.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Syd.” The sound of his voice saying my name sends shivers through me.

  There’s an awkward pause.

  “I rearranged my schedule so I have Friday off. We’ll drive up to my dad’s Thursday night. Can we go to the beach or something Friday? Then I thought Saturday we could go to the zoo or a childrens’ museum or—”

  “Lautner?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Just … stop. She’s two and still takes a nap. An hour at the park wears her out, so don’t over plan anything.” I sigh. “Besides, you can’t go dictating our schedule on a whim just because you’ve rearranged your schedule.”

  “Oh, excuse me for not wanting to wait another minute to get to know my daughter after going three years without even knowing that we’d conceived a child and—”

  “Stop! I get it. Okay? Call me Friday morning.”

  I press End before he responds.

  “Silly girl.” I grab the abandoned crust off of Ocean’s plate and pop it in my mouth. “You’re leaving behind the best part.”

  She grins and takes a swig of water from her sippy cup.

  This isn’t the life I imagined for myself at all. It’s a waste of time even thinking it, but I can’t help but wonder where I would be today if I would have told Lautner.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  June 28th, 2013

  Last night was a joke. I’m not sure why I even crawled into bed. My mind raced all night while my body tossed and turned. Dane looked equally exhausted when he took Swarley for a run this morning. I’m surprised he didn’t kick my ass out of bed, but then again, that’s not Dane. He loves me, without question, I know he would lay down his life for mine or Ocean’s in a heartbeat. A restless night probably doesn’t phase him.