Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  I turn and hesitate for a moment then nod and get out. Emma stays in the 4Runner while Lautner carries a still sleeping Ocean in the house. She looks so tiny in his strong arms. I remember feeling small in those same protective arms.

  “Hey,” Dane whispers holding open the door.

  Lautner nods and I give a sad smile. Dane’s forehead wrinkles. He knows me too well. Lautner follows me up the stairs and into Ocean’s room. He lays her on her bed and presses his lips to her forehead. I take a deep breath. There’s nothing I need more than a hot bath and a glass of wine.

  Lautner turns and moves closer to me. “Thank you … for today. She’s just … more than I could have ever dreamed of.”

  I nod and he eases my sunglass from my face. My eyes feel puffy; I’m sure they’re red too.

  “Why?” he whispers, brushing the back of his hand over my cheek.

  I shrug and look away, biting my quivering bottom lip and swallowing.

  “I just … it’s … nothing.” I look at him with a tight-lipped smile. “It’s just been a long week, a lot has happened. I’m a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”

  “Emma shouldn’t have—”

  “Everything okay?” Dane’s quiet voice sounds at the door.

  I take a step away from Lautner and turn. “Fine. I’m going to take a bath.” I look back at him. “See you in a couple hours?”

  He nods and shares my pathetically weak smile.

  *

  Ocean wakes while I’m in the bathtub. “Mommy,” she calls with a groggy voice.

  “In here, sweetie.”

  Rubbing her eyes, she grins. It’s a familiar grin, the one that says she wants in the tub with me.

  “Come here.” I reach out and help her undress. “Go potty, then you can get in with me.”

  “Bath … ducky.” She giggles.

  We go through this routine several times a week. I ask Dane to keep her occupied while I take a relaxing bath. He gets distracted and she sneaks upstairs and gives me the grin I can’t refuse. Then I have to drain half the water and add cold because I like hot baths. Within a few minutes I’m freezing and crowded out of the tub by all her toys. On a good day I make it out without slipping on a toy and falling back into the tub, sending a tidal wave of water onto the floor, and sparing Mr. Ducky’s head from being lodged into my ass by mere inches.

  Ocean plays until all the soapy bubbles are gone and the sand at the bottom of the tub is visible. I help her get dressed and dry her hair before sending her down with Dane. Looking in the mirror, I admire the nice color the sun added to my cheeks today. My eyes, however, are still a little red. After squirting some drops in them, I apply some eyeliner, mascara, and lip-gloss.

  “Sydney, they’re here,” Dane calls.

  I hustle to dry my hair then slip on some dark jeans and a white sleeveless button-down top. Taking one last glance in the mirror, I release a big breath. “Round two of torture Sydney. Ding. Ding. Ding.”

  “Hi.” I greet Lautner and Emma as I open the back door.

  They’re sitting on the deck drinking beer and wine while watching Ocean chase the three dogs.

  “Small world, honey. Emma’s dad, or her dad’s cats are patients of mine.” Dane grins and flips the burgers on the grill. Lucky for Emma they’re turkey burgers.

  “Yeah, I had no idea your husband, or soon to be husband, is the infamous Dr. Abbott, or cat whisperer, as my dad calls him.” Emma is sitting on Lautner’s lap teasing her fingernails along the nape of his neck.

  “Dane’s gifted all right,” I mumble and grin.

  “Mommy!” Ocean’s blood-curdling cry sends my body into action.

  I run out to her. She has fallen in the rocks and scraped her knee.

  “Shh … it’s okay, sweetie.” I cradle her in my arms and carry her to the house.

  “Let me put these on a plate and I’ll get you the first-aid kit,” Dane says.

  “It’s fine. I’ll get it,” I tell him as Lautner holds the door open for me.

  Ocean sobs into my chest as I carry her upstairs with Lautner right behind us.

  “Shh … it’s just a scrape, baby girl.” I reassure her, setting her on the bathroom vanity.

  “Can I see?” Lautner asks.

  She nods between strangled sobs.

  I grab the small first-aid kit. Lautner cleans the scrape and puts some ointment on it. I hand him a Band-Aid. He looks at it.

  “I’ll be right back,” he says.

  Hugging Ocean to me, we wait.

  “Here we go. Look what I found in my car?” He holds up a Winnie the Pooh Band-Aid.

  “Pooh.” Ocean giggles and the tears are magically gone.

  “There, much better.” He bends down and places a kiss over the Band-Aid.

  Up until this moment he was a doctor, but that kiss was all Daddy.

  He lifts her down and she bolts out of the room and down the stairs like nothing happened.

  I throw the wrappers in the trash and lean back against the vanity with my hands on either side. “I’m sorry about earlier. I’m not sure why I was so emotional.”

  He shoves his hands in his jean pockets. “Emma shouldn’t have said what she did about … Bali. I know she didn’t say it to upset you, but she still shouldn’t have said it.”

  I laugh and roll my eyes. “Jeez, Lautner, she’s going to be your wife. I’m not under any illusion that you’re not going to have … or do … that on your honeymoon.”

  Holy crap! I can’t believe we’re having this conversation, and I can’t believe that I said that instead of sex. What am I? Twelve?

  He shrugs. “I’m just saying that if you were upset by her words … I’d understand.”

  “Understand what?”

  Running his hands through his hair, he shakes his head. “Nothing.” He turns and steps toward the door.

  “No, not nothing. What were you going to say?” I cross my arms over my chest.

  Lautner turns and shuts the door behind him. Before I can blink, he’s hovering over me with his hands pressed to the counter on each side of me. “I was going to say I understand if the idea of me being with someone else bothers you.” His voice is deep and demanding.

  I lean back more to keep our faces from touching.

  “Because even though it shouldn’t, it drives me fucking crazy to think of Dane’s hands on you!”

  He’s breathless, but I’m not because I’m holding mine. There’s no more room for me to lean back, but he continues to inch closer. I feel his arousal against my stomach. His eyes are on my lips and his mouth is almost touching mine.

  “Coming, Sydney? Dinner’s ready.” Dane’s loud voice carries up the stairs.

  Lautner stands up, but I don’t move. We stare at each other for a moment, then I stand up straight and walk out the door.

  “What were you doing?” Dane asks, handing me a beer and a plate of food.

  Lautner is only a few seconds behind me.

  “Uh … Lautner was just giving me a few first-aid tips for future injuries. Butterfly bandages, properly cleaning wounds … you know, that kind of stuff.”

  Sucking the air from my lungs. Hardening my nipples. Drenching my panties.

  “Well, Miss Ocean is pretty smitten with her Winnie the Pooh Band-Aid,” Emma says, standing on her tiptoes to give Lautner a quick smooch.

  I sit next to Ocean and Lautner sits on the other side of her. As I cut up her food, I risk a glance at him. His eyes are hot, blue hot, like a blow torch searing into me.

  “What’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” Dane asks, sitting opposite of me.

  “We’re taking Ocean to get fitted for her dress. Did Sydney tell you she’s going to be the flower girl in our wedding next month?” Emma’s enthusiasm is probably contagious to most people, but it makes me want to vomit.

  Dane looks at me. I smile around my mouthful of food.

  “I guess we’d better get that date on the calendar then. We’d hate to pick the same day for our weddi
ng. That would be a real conflict,” Dane says.

  I’m not sure if it’s sarcasm in Dane’s voice or a polite reminder to me that we’re not married yet but should be. Although we never finished it, we’ve had our wedding; I’m not feeling up for a redo. Too much money has already been wasted, including my dress and Ocean’s. At this point, a justice of the peace feels appropriate.

  Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I swallow and clear my throat. “I’m sure we can work around their weekend.”

  “So where is your wedding taking place?” Dane asks.

  “San Francisco at Bently Reserve. Of course, due to limited space for the ceremony, only three hundred and fifty of the five hundred guests will be invited to both the ceremony and reception,” Emma says.

  “Five hundred?” Dane chokes.

  I grin and kick him under the table.

  “My dad’s new wife comes from a large affluent family, then of course there are all my dad’s friends and colleagues. With all the doctors it’s going to be like a medical convention.” Emma laughs and Lautner shakes his head with a hesitant smile.

  “Done,” Ocean says.

  “Do you want some more strawberries?” I ask.

  She shakes her head.

  “Okay.” I wipe her off and help her out of her booster seat.

  “Swing!” she yells, running to the toddler swing Dane hung from the large oak tree.

  I roll my eyes. “Why don’t you play for a bit while we finish eating?” I call after her.

  Lautner scoots back in his chair, wiping his mouth. “I’ve got this”

  I give him a weak smile and a single nod.

  “So where are you going on your honeymoon?” Dane asks Emma.

  That’s my cue to leave. I grab some fetch toys from the rubber bin on the far side of the deck and whistle to the dogs. All three come running. I toss them out as quickly as they retrieve them. Every time I look over at Lautner and Ocean he’s smiling at her, but his eyes quickly find mine, like he senses my gaze. We’re a good fifteen yards apart, but when his blue irises are on me I feel him as close as we were in the bathroom.

  The bathroom. God, what happened there? How is it that less than a week ago I was in the middle of my wedding vows to Dane—and Lautner is getting married in a month—but when I’m near him the three years we’ve spent apart seem to vanish? This is such a mess.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  June 29th, 2013

  Monday cannot come quick enough. I need some serious psychiatric help.

  Lautner and Emma left shortly after dinner and Ocean was asleep by nine. Dane, however, was feeling frisky—like a cat. Part of me questioned if he’d been bit by one and caught some feline virus like Peter Parker and the spider bite. He kept rubbing up against me while I was doing dishes, and he nuzzled into my neck and licked me. His tongue felt dry … like a cat’s. No joke. When he hummed in satisfaction, it sounded like a purr. Then I just about passed out from shock when I looked over and saw him licking the top of his hand. I thought “Holy shit! He’s cleaning himself.” But then I realized he had some frosting on his hand from cleaning up the rest of Ocean’s cupcake.

  I’m losing it. Lautner is back in my life in the worst way imaginable. I can’t get him out of my head. After Dane snapped out of his freakish feline phase, he turned into a dog in bed. More licking, but not sexy licking. It was the kind of licking that makes one feel the need to wash it off. A Dr. Brown and Swarley situation was what it felt like. Dane must have hydrated before bed because his dry cat tongue became a slick, slobbery lubricating wand. His hands were sandpaper on my skin which was crawling from his every touch. The moderate but not Lautner-sized erection in his briefs was rubbing my skin raw on my thigh as he humped my leg and fondled my breasts. Even my nipples were scared as they inverted like turtles hiding. I lay there silent and limp like a corpse until Dane asked if something was wrong. The response I swore I’d never use in bed came out automatically as a desperate plea. “I have a headache.”

  Sipping my tea while waiting for Dane to return from his run and Ocean to wake up, I’m seeing things differently. Dane used the same moves on me last night as he has since the first time we had sex. Lautner has fucked with my head. I even tried to imagine Lautner having sex with Emma, hoping it would stir some anger and make me want Dane more, like the time I saw them in the park. Nothing worked.

  “Good morning, sunshine. How’s your head?” Dane asks in a cheery voice, taking Swarley’s harness off.

  “Much better, thanks.” I smile.

  “When’s the dress fitting, measurement taking, whatever thing happening?”

  I shrug. “Not sure. I haven’t received that call yet.”

  “Is this a girl thing or are we all going?”

  “Don’t know that either.” I sip my tea. “Emma wants to take Ocean, just Ocean, with her and Lautner to her dad’s for brunch tomorrow. What do you think?”

  Dane finishes guzzling down his water then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I know Dr. Kane. He’s a great guy. It’s up to you, but I wouldn’t be too concerned, unless you don’t trust Lautner.”

  “It’s not a trust issue. Ocean’s just young and I don’t want her to be scared.”

  “She is a real mama’s girl, but I think she’ll do fine. Maybe it’s a good idea to let her go for a few hours before they decide they want her to spend the weekend in L.A. with them.”

  My head snaps up. “Why do you say that? Did they say something?”

  Dane tosses his plastic bottle in the recycling bin. “While you were playing with the dogs and Lautner was swinging Ocean, Emma mentioned the possibility of Ocean staying with them next weekend. She thinks they should spend as much time together as possible before the wedding so when they get back from their honeymoon it’s not like starting over with her.”

  My head is screaming “over my dead body,” but I don’t let on to Dane. “One day at a time. I can’t make any promises yet.”

  *

  I get the call from Lautner shortly before ten o’clock. Dane finds a lame excuse not to come with us, something about a leak with the backyard spigot. So to not come across as antisocial, he suggests dinner again tonight at an Italian restaurant near campus.

  The drive to the bridal store in San Francisco is uneventful. Emma dominates the conversation, talking about her new design accounts and lots of wedding talk.

  “Mags!” Emma chimes as we enter the lavish store.

  A tall thin lady, probably in her forties, with chin-length blonde hair hugs Emma. “Darling.” She greets in an I’m-just-that-stuck-up voice.

  “I want you to meet Ocean.” Emma takes her hand and I reluctantly let her go. “Lautner’s daughter.”

  Mags looks her over and smiles as much as her Botox infused face will allow. “Well, aren’t you just a real button.” She taps Ocean’s nose with the tip of her acrylic nail. “Come on back, let’s get you measured and pick out the perfect dress for you.”

  I start to follow them and Emma turns around. “She’ll be fine, if you want to wait out here.”

  No fucking way!

  Ocean is grinning, eyes sparkling. She’s all girl, unlike her mom was, and the lace, satin, and tulle dresses surrounding us transform her into princess mode. Truthfully, I don’t care to help with Lautner and Emma’s wedding, but being cut off from my daughter pisses me off.

  “There’s a coffee shop across the street. Take your time and meet us over there when you’re done.” Lautner attempts to make peace before my wrath is unleashed.

  I look once more at Ocean and bend down to give her a kiss. “I love you. I’ll be right across the street. Okay.”

  She nods and follows Emma to the back of the store.

  I turn and look a Lautner, not able to hide the frown on my face.

  He opens the door and gestures for me to go out.

  “She’ll be fine,” he mumbles as we cross the street.

  I turn as soon as we reach the opposite sidewalk. “Don’
t! Don’t say that to me. You’ve known her for two goddamn seconds. I know you can’t understand it yet, but the farther I get from her the harder it is to breathe. So don’t you dare try and make me feel like my concern for her is somehow an overreaction. Understand?”

  He holds up his hands. “Understood.”

  I move past him and he catches up to open the door to the coffee shop. “And whose fault is it that I’ve known my daughter for two goddam seconds?” he says in my ear with a low gravelly voice as I walk inside.

  “Ask Claire, or did you have to officially sever all ties with her when you decided to be monogamous with Emma?” I grit though my teeth while forming a fake smile for the barista at the counter.

  “What can I get for you?” She smiles back.

  “Small green tea, please.” I set a ten dollar bill on the counter. “And whatever he wants.” I don’t wait for Lautner to order or my change before walking off and finding a seat near the window.

  He brings our drinks and tosses my ten back at me. I roll my eyes.

  “What is your issue with Claire?” he asks with an edge of disgust to his voice as he removes the lid to his coffee.

  I laugh. “You mean aside from the fact that you didn’t wait a month after I left before you started screwing her again?”

  He squints his eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I told you. Claire … at your door…” I raise my eyebrows, waiting for my words to spark some recognition in his brain “…in a towel.”

  He shakes his head and I can’t believe he’s acting like he doesn’t remember.

  “July 23rd, 2011, nine o’clock at night. I’d just gotten off the plane after a twelve hour flight from Paris—pregnant and so fucking nauseous. The cab took me straight to your apartment.”

  He’s still looking confused.

  I sigh and continue. “Your 4Runner was there … so you were there. It took everything I had to knock on your door, then … she answered, her naked wet body wrapped in one of your bath towels. She said I was too late.” I look out the window to the passing cars. I can still feel the pain from that day.

  “Jesus, Sydney … I … I didn’t sleep with her.”