Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  I hate that after all this time he can’t just be honest with me.

  “I wasn’t there—”

  My head whips around. “Your car was there!”

  “But I wasn’t!” His voice escalates and we both look around to see if people are staring at us. “Claire had some plumbing issues in her apartment and they couldn’t get out until the next day to fix it. So I told her she could shower at my place while I went for a jog!” His voice isn’t as loud, but his tone is still firm.

  I shake my head. It doesn’t make sense or maybe it does. Did she want me to think that something was going on? Or did I jump to that conclusion on my own?

  “What did she say after that?” he asks.

  “After what?” I whisper, my mind still reeling.

  “After ‘you’re too late?’”

  I can’t stop shaking my head. “I … I don’t know. I was so sick and I ran out of the building and vomited over and over. Then I … God, I collapsed on the ground and cried. Couldn’t stop—couldn’t stop crying. It felt like I was … dying.”

  Lautner’s elbows rest on the table, his forehead pressed against his palms, voice shaking. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you …” He lifts his head. Tear-filled blue irises hit me hard. “… You came back?”

  I think it’s a question, but he says it with such disbelief I’m not sure.

  “I came back,” I whisper.

  “Mommy!” Ocean calls as the coffee shop door chimes upon opening.

  She hops up on my lap and hugs me tight. Lautner clears his throat and wipes his eyes.

  “Babe, you look like you’ve been crying.” Emma outs him.

  He clears his throat again. “Coffee went down the wrong pipe.”

  She hugs his arm and leans up to kiss him. “Poor baby.”

  He pulls away first. “So where to now?”

  “Zoo!” Ocean yells loud enough for everyone to hear.

  We all laugh.

  “Someone’s been putting ideas in your head,” I tell her while nuzzling her soft neck.

  Emma holds her palms up. “Guilty.”

  “The zoo it is.” Lautner declares, standing up.

  *

  “I might rent a stroller,” I announce as we get out of the vehicle. “If I would have known we were going to end up here I would have brought hers.”

  “Nonsense.” Lautner swings Ocean up and plops her on his broad shoulders.

  She releases her signature happy squeal. I can’t hide the smile that plays across my face. Seeing them together is, at least part of, a dream come true. Following them to the entrance, reality smacks me in the face again. Emma wraps her arm behind Lautner and slides her hand in his back pocket. There are four of us so there shouldn’t be a fifth wheel, but that’s what I feel like.

  “What do you want to see first?” Lautner asks Ocean as we make it through the gates.

  “Zoo!” she cheers, grabbing onto his ears like handles.

  “Alright, I’ll choose.” Lautner laughs, holding her feet.

  Two hours later we’ve seen all the major exhibits. There hasn’t been much adult conversation. It’s been all about Ocean. Fine by me. We buy some snacks and head to the playground area.

  Lautner surprises me when he pulls a packet of wipes out of his pocket and proceeds to wipe Ocean’s hands before she eats her soft pretzel.

  He glances up at my dazed stare. “What?”

  “Nothing.” I smile and look away.

  Ocean takes three quick bites before she’s running off to go play with the other kids.

  “Dane feels bad,” I lie, “about missing the outing today. He suggested dinner at some Italian place near campus tonight.”

  Lautner looks at Emma. She shrugs and nods her head.

  “Sounds great.” He smiles back at me.

  “Have you thought about brunch tomorrow?” Emma asks.

  I keep my eyes on Ocean; she’s on her third trip down the slide. “If she’s fine with going, then I’m fine with it too.”

  “Great! I’ll let my dad know.” Emma grabs her phone from her purse.

  Lautner’s foot taps mine under the table. I turn.

  “Thank you,” he whispers.

  I nod but can’t quite find a smile. He has no idea how hard it’s going to be for me to watch the three of them pull out of our driveway tomorrow.

  *

  “I used to come here all the time,” Lautner announces as we’re seated at the Italian restaurant Dane picked out. “They have the best grilled Tuscan chicken.”

  “Pata.” Ocean claps her hands as Dane lifts her into her seat.

  “Yes, pasta for you, sweetie.” I hand her some crayons and a coloring page.

  The waitress brings us our drinks and takes our order. Lautner traces Ocean’s hands on the paper and she giggles like he’s tickling her. Small talk about our day at the zoo fills the awkward space of time until our food arrives.

  “Pata!” Ocean cheers.

  “Shh … yes, pasta.” I laugh while cutting up her spaghetti.

  “You like pasta?” Lautner smiles at her.

  She nods with enthusiasm. “I eat pata.” She spoons some up and shoves it in her mouth. Several pieces are stuck to her chin.

  “Missed some.” Lautner leans over and press his lips to her chin, sucking in the missed pieces.

  She giggles and I feel myself falling in love with Lautner all over again, but this time it’s with Daddy Lautner. It’s only been a week, but I see the adoration in his eyes … and hers too.

  “Are you heading back to L.A. after brunch tomorrow?” Dane asks.

  “Yes, I have some charts to go through before Monday,” Lautner answers between bites.

  “Did you want to talk to them about next weekend?” Emma looks over at Lautner with her eyebrows raised.

  He pats his mouth with the napkin and swallows. Before he can say anything, Emma continues.

  “Since everything seems to be going so well and … well, we just adore Ocean, so we wondered if she could come stay with us next weekend. You know, keep the bonding going. I mean, if you’re not comfortable with it until our attorneys get everything in writing we completely under—”

  “Whoa …” I shake my head. “What are you talking about?” My heart is in my throat, blood surging through my veins.

  “Nothing … it’s not what you—” Lautner starts to talk.

  Shoving my chair back to stand, it falls over from my abrupt movement. “No … No …” I shake my head in defiance. “You promised…” I glare at Lautner and toss my napkin on the table before storming out of the restaurant.

  My world is unraveling. He played me, made me trust him. Now I’m going to have to fight to keep Ocean out of a custody battle. God, I can’t breathe. Emerging from the restaurant, I fight for air. One labored breath at a time, I stumble down the sidewalk and turn into an alley. Falling back against the side of the building, I slide down and tug at my hair. “No …” I cry. Something’s wrong. I can’t breathe. This must be what a panic attack feels like.

  “Syd …” Lautner’s voice startles me. He’s hunched down in front of me.

  “No …” I scream, lunging at him, punching and smacking him. “You promised …” I cry. “I hate you!”

  He grabs my arms and holds them to my chest, pressing me back against the wall. “She—she—she’s mine!” I try to suck in air but it feels like I can’t, like there’s no air to take in.

  “Shh … calm down, Syd.” His voice is soft and steady, but I don’t buy it. I know he’s playing me to get what he wants.

  “I—can’t—brea—breathe—”

  “Slow it down. Take in a slow breath, Sydney. Feel your body. Start with your toes. Can you move your toes?”

  “Go—away!” I try to push him back. “She’s—mi-mine.”

  “Slow it down, baby. I’m not taking her from you.”

  “Don’t—call—me—th-that—”

  His mouth is on mine. It’s hard and demanding. I fi
ght him. I fight for air. Then I feel them—my toes, my legs, my fingers, my arms. Finally, I suck in air through my nose and my lungs accept it. Our tongues reunite; it’s been way too long. He’s breathing life back into me and I don’t ever want him to stop. As his hands relax around my arms, I slide my palms up to his cheeks.

  I hate him.

  I love him.

  I need him.

  I want him.

  Then he slows his movements and releases me.

  I see the instant regret in his tense eyes and I realize … I can’t have him. He’s not mine anymore.

  “I’m not taking Ocean away from you. Okay?” he whispers, brushing his thumbs over my tear-stained cheeks.

  “Why did Emma say—”

  He shakes his head and closes his eyes briefly. “I was upset. That night I left the hospital after finding out, I vented and said things I shouldn’t have. Emma thought I should get an attorney given the circumstances, and that night I did too.” He swallows and I see the pained wrinkling of his forehead. “But things are different now. I see the way she looks at you and needs you. No attorneys. We’ll work it out, okay?”

  “Why did you kiss me?” I whisper.

  He steps back and drops his head while slipping his hands in his front pockets. “To calm you down. I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

  Rejection. It’s a sick, nauseating, awful ache. I suck in a controlled breath and release it. There’s nothing else I can do but add this incident to the “101 Reasons Why Sydney is Fucked Up” list that I’ll be taking to therapy as soon as I get it scheduled. I start to walk back toward the restaurant, but Lautner grabs my arm.

  “What about tomorrow? Can Ocean still—”

  I yank my arm away. “Yes, you can pick her up in the morning.” My hurt is disguised as anger in my voice. Lautner has a slumped defeated posture, but I don’t care. I can’t care. I’ll only get hurt worse if I do.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  June 30th, 2013

  Ticktock. Lautner and Emma should be here any minute. Ocean seems excited which eases my anxiety over her being scared, but there’s still the irrational part of my brain that thinks they’re going to kidnap my baby. It’s only 9:30 a.m. and Dane thinks I’m going with him and the dogs to the park after Ocean leaves. Wrong! I’m prying the cork out of the bottle of Riesling in the refrigerator and numbing my nerves.

  “Here they are,” Dane says, looking out the window.

  I stand and mess with Ocean’s hair. “Do you need to go potty once more before you go?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, are you sure you want to go?”

  “Yes.” She smiles and breaks my heart … a little.

  We take her out front.

  “Good morning, my beautiful girl!” Lautner picks her up and hugs her.

  We haven’t explained the father situation to her, but every time Lautner sees her, he tells her with his body language that she’s someone special in his life.

  I follow them to the car.

  “Hi, Sydney,” Emma says from the front seat.

  “Hi,” I reply with a hesitant voice. I can only imagine what she thinks of me after last night’s little display at the restaurant.

  Lautner gets Ocean secured in her seat and steps back. I lean in and kiss her, resenting the tears that are stinging my eyes.

  “Love you, sweet baby. See you a little later, okay?”

  “Okay.” She kisses me again. I close the door and turn toward the house before my stupid tears break free. Lautner grabs my wrist and turns me back around.

  Burying his nose in my hair, he whispers in my ear, “Please don’t cry. I’m bringing her back, okay?”

  I nod once and continue walking back to the house. Dane sees the tears escaping and embraces me.

  “Don’t say anything,” I plead.

  “I won’t.” He rests his hand on the back of my head.

  *

  Dane frowns when he sees me on the couch with a large glass of wine. He kisses my cheek and leaves with the dogs. Kudos to him for biting his tongue so hard. It’s not about being away from Ocean for a few hours. I’ve done that many times before. That’s why Dane doesn’t understand me. I can’t tell him that my fear over losing Ocean mixed with my messed up feelings about Lautner has me spinning out of control.

  I’ll never forget how broken Lautner looked the day I left him to go back to Illinois. There’s this sick feeling I have that Lautner’s looking for revenge. I’m a moth to his flame and he’s drawing me in. It’s only a matter of time before I get burned. Is that what he needs? Revenge? Does he need to bring me to my knees so I can feel what he felt? He loves big, so I know that he loves Emma. Would he rather die than hurt her? Is his love for her a soul-shattering love that will never be matched?

  “In Your Eyes” plays and I jump and grab my phone. It’s not a call, just a text.

  You’re KILLING me, one sad tear at a time.

  Great, this has to be code for “get a grip, you pathetic loser.” I’m sure he and Emma laugh at what a bawl baby I am. She’s probably in on his revenge plan.

  “Sydney, Karma, Karma, Sydney. Oh jeez, that’s probably their master plan. Drive Sydney insane and then snatch her baby after she’s been committed. Gotta hand it to ya…” I hold up my glass “…I’m halfway there. I don’t even have the dogs here, so it’s official … I’m talking to myself.” I shake my head and gulp down the rest of my wine. “You’re a crazy bitch, Sydney.” My eyes close.

  “Sydney … Sydney!”

  “What?” I’m startled out of my sleep.

  “They’re back.” Dane gestures with his head to the front window.

  I jump up and grab my head. “Ugh!”

  “Too early for wine?” Dane smirks, holding the door open for me.

  “Shut up.” I roll my eyes but can’t hide my embarrassed grin as I walk out front.

  Lautner is carrying Ocean toward the house. She’s asleep in his arms.

  “Does she ever stay awake in the car?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “Rarely.”

  “I’ll take her.” I hold out my arms.

  “I’ve got her.” He continues into the house and right up the stairs.

  Dane stays outside chatting with Emma.

  Standing against the wall in the upstairs hall, I wait for him to lay her down. He slips out, pulling the door partially shut.

  “She did great. Emma’s dad fell in love with her.”

  I shrug. “Of course he did. She’s amazing.”

  “She’s you,” he whispers.

  “Stop.”

  He squints his eyes, cocking his head to the side. “Stop what?”

  “Everything.” I brush past him and hurry down the stairs.

  Grabbing my wine glass from the sofa table, I take it to the kitchen.

  “Can you elaborate on everything?

  I set my glass in the sink and turn to him.

  “Touching me, kissing me, being so good with Ocean, handing me tissues when I’m crying, telling me how much it bothers you to think of Dane’s hands on me, texting me bullshit about ‘killing’ you with my tears … just EVERYTHING!” I run my hands through my hair. “I get it. You’re pissed that I left you and this is your chance for revenge. Time to make Sydney pay. Well, mission accomplished. Job well done. I’m miserable, hurt, and a fucking jealous, raving lunatic. So stop trying to make me love you again just to run off with someone else.”

  He jerks his head back. “Love me again? Again?” He turns and shakes his head. “You have to love someone once to love them again.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I follow after him as he walks to the front door.

  He grabs the knob but doesn’t look back at me. “Why would I think you ever loved me?”

  “Why wouldn’t you?” I wrinkle my face in confusion.

  “Because you never said it.” He opens the door and walks out, pulling it shut behind him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT


  July 1st, 2013

  I wake up with a miserable headache from finishing the rest of the Riesling after putting Ocean to bed last night.

  Serves me right. It’s time to Get. It. Together. I dug my way out of this miserable pit when I was pregnant with Ocean, I can do it again. I’m going to focus on my family, starting with setting a date to make my marriage to Dane official. Then I’m going to see an attorney. Lautner and Emma are right; there has to be some boundaries set. It’s the only way to have any sense of organization and respect for each other’s time.

  Grabbing my phone off the dresser, I sneak past Ocean’s room and down the stairs for some much needed tea with a boost of caffeine. When I turn on my phone, I see a missed text from Lautner.

  Thank you for the time with Ocean. Sorry if I led you on. Wasn’t my intention. Are you by any chance visiting Avery over the holiday weekend? I’d love to see our daughter again, but I’m on call so I can’t leave town.

  Heating the water, I decide to wait to respond. I need to be sure I’m in my new frame of mind. The fourth of July has creeped up on me, and to my knowledge we don’t have any plans. Avery, on the other hand, most likely has something planned. I call her first, before Dane.

  “My client will be here soon, what’s up, Sis?”

  “Hi to you too.”

  “Just kidding.” She laughs.

  “What are your plans this weekend?”

  “Vegas. What are yours?”

  “Seriously? You’re going to Vegas?”

  “Uh … yeah. Girls’ weekend, sorry we didn’t invite you, figured you were doing the family thing.”

  “Whatever, I’m not calling for an invite. Just thought of coming for a visit and bringing your favorite niece.”

  “Ocean’s my only niece, but yes, favorite. I’ll come visit the following weekend if I can reschedule my clients. How’s the ‘who’s your daddy’ thing going?”

  “Crazy, confusing, but mostly good for Ocean. She likes him a lot and he’s smitten with her. We need to figure out visiting times and all that. Oh … and she’s going to be the flower girl in his wedding.”

  “Wow! Nothing weird about that. So will you be at the wedding too?”

  Good question. I hadn’t thought about that. Can I watch Lautner marry Emma? Doubtful.