Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  My eyes find his. “I said I would have if I’d known that everything I thought was true about my parents was just a lie. My mom slept around, got pregnant, had an abortion. I wasn’t a honeymoon baby, I was a child conceived out of wedlock and my mom was going to abort me. All I’ve thought about for years was making something of myself so I felt a sense of accomplishment and would never have to rely on a man like my mom did. I knew she loved us, but I’ve always thought she lived in regret. But now I know she didn’t. Having me and Avery changed her life, but in a good way. We gave her life purpose, with us she made her mark in this world more than any job or any amount of success ever would have.” I close my eyes, take a deep breath, then open them. “I know it doesn’t matter now, but my heart chose you, my brain just didn’t listen.”

  His mouth opens then closes again as the sweet sound of Ocean chimes through the open kitchen window.

  I jump up and head inside. “Good morning, sweetie.”

  She grins, holding her arms up. I pick her up and shower her with kisses and hugs.

  “Waffles with fresh fruit?” Lautner asks, looking solely at Ocean.

  Her happy sparkling eyes and irresistible smile is the only answer he needs.

  *

  Pacific Park here we come.

  “Will this be her first time at an amusement park?” Lautner asks as we pull out of his driveway.

  “Yes. Mine too.”

  “What? You can’t be serious!” Lautner’s eyes bug out and his jaw is resting on his lap.

  “My mom never thought the rides went through proper inspection, and my dad assumed all the people working there were drug addicts or child molesters. But I got to ride the carpet slide at the state fair once.”

  “I—I’m speechless. Drug addicts and child molesters? Doesn’t he follow the Ten Commandments … thou shalt not judge?”

  I laugh. “That’s not one of the Ten Commandments.”

  “Well it’s in the Bible some where.”

  “Luke 6:37.”

  “Preacher’s daughter showoff.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Well, I’m honored to be the one who takes both of you to your very first amusement park.”

  “Don’t be. The carpet ride made me vomit.”

  “Well I’ve dealt with your vomit before. I can do it again.”

  Keeping my gaze out the window, I can’t help but smile. I think that’s when I knew Lautner loved me. There has to be some pretty strong feelings to clean up someone’s vomit and stick around to tell them about it.

  We find our parking spot and sure enough, Ocean is asleep.

  “Do you mind if we let her sleep for a little bit? She’ll stay in a better mood if we let her have a small nap.”

  Lautner cracks the windows and shuts off the vehicle. “Fine by me. The two of you are my plans for the weekend, so I’ll do whatever you want.”

  I slip off my Keens and rest my feet on the dash. Lautner’s phone vibrates on the console.

  “Hi,” he answers in a voice that says he knows who it is.

  “Miss you too. How’s your mom?”

  My heart speeds as my body stiffens. It’s Emma … and he misses her too. Was he missing her last night when his dick was buried in me?

  “Yeah, we’re at Pacific Park, but Ocean fell asleep on the way so we’re waiting for her to wake before we go in.”

  I feel like I’m eavesdropping, but I can’t help it. Should I get out and give them some privacy? Maybe he should get out.

  “Okay, then I’ll see you at the airport … love you too, bye.”

  Reality check! Punch in the gut. Slit my wrists. Bullet to the heart.

  Is it all men or just the ones I fall for? How could he be so insensitive? I feel like someone stabbed me with a syringe and injected liquid anger into my veins. My blood is past boiling, it’s in massive volcanic eruption mode.

  “Emma says ‘hi.’”

  What … the … fuck?

  My body acts on its own accord as my brain has a waiting line today for all thoughts that need rational consideration.

  Smack!

  I hit him so hard I expect Ocean to wake up just from the sound alone. Then there’s the grunt type growl that escapes him as his hand covers his check.

  “What the hell?” he whispers at the highest possible decibel to still be considered a whisper.

  “Emma says ‘hi.’ Really? You fucked me so hard last night I thought there was going to be a permanent mold of my ass in your drywall and less than twenty-four hours later you’re missing her and loving her too right in front of me. And then you have the nerve to say ‘Emma says hi’ like we’re all BFFs!”

  We both look back. Ocean adjusts in her seat but settles in again without waking.

  “I’m sorry.” He runs his fingers through his hair.

  “Sorry for what? Fucking me or loving her?”

  He leans his head back against his headrest and closes his eyes. “Both … neither … I don’t know.”

  “Well don’t get your knickers in a knot. I didn’t come down here this weekend to steal you from your bride. You were right to begin with. We should talk to our attorneys about a legal custody agreement. If we put things in writing so we both know what to expect, it will be easier on everyone.”

  Tilting his head upright again, he turns toward me. “That’s why you’re down here … to discuss custody?”

  Slipping my feet back into my sandals, I chuckle. “Well, I sure as hell didn’t come down here to have my heart ripped from my fucking chest … again. That appears to just be a bonus. Lucky me.”

  I open the door and hop out, deciding Ocean has slept long enough. She really hasn’t, but even with the windows cracked, the air in the car is too thick to breathe.

  *

  The ride back to Lautner’s is just as uncomfortable as the three hours at Pacific Park. Ocean is the focus for both of us. We talk to her but not to each other. She’s loved every minute of the day. I’ve taken so many photos today it’s going to take hours to sort through all of them. I’m contemplating leaving to go home tonight, but it doesn’t seem fair to Ocean. She loves being with Lautner, even if I can’t stand to be near him. If we stay it will be for her and I’ll add it to my list of motherly sacrifices.

  “You didn’t finish telling me about the other time you came to my apartment.” Lautner breaks the silence as we drive through the hills nearing his house.

  “It doesn’t matter.” I shrug, staring out my window.

  “It does to me.”

  “Why?”

  He sighs. “Because I’m trying to wrap my head around how we got here, to this messed up situation.”

  “Bad timing … I guess.” I shake my head. “It was a little while after my first OB appointment. You weren’t home, but Rose came down the stairs and said you had been going through a tough time because your mom’s cancer came back. She said you were hanging by a thread and that Claire was basically holding you together. I didn’t want to be the one to break that thread so I decided to wait. Shortly after that I ended up in the hospital. I was dehydrated and stressed out. It was a wakeup call. I knew right then that I needed to put my baby first, so I decided not to try and contact you again until after she was born.”

  I remember Lautner saying he and Emma stayed at his ‘dad’s’ last weekend. Giving him a quick sideways glance, I contemplate asking the question.

  He nods but doesn’t look at me or say anything.

  “Did your mom …” I can’t finish.

  His head snaps to mine. “You don’t know?” He asks with tense confusion in his face.

  I shake my head. “No, how would I know?”

  Lautner pulls into the drive, shuts off the car, and hops out. “Unbelievable. I should have known.” He gets Ocean out of her seat and carries her to the house.

  “What are you talking about? I chase after him.

  He sets Ocean down and goes into the kitchen. I lay her new coloring book and crayons on the coffee
table and she’s all smiles, dumping the crayons out of the box.

  Lautner is chugging a sports drink by the refrigerator as I come into the kitchen.

  “What is unbelievable?”

  He finishes it and tosses the empty bottle on the counter. “My mom died two days before Christmas that year.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  “Me too.” He plants his hands on his hips and looks out back. “Dane knew, so I assumed you did too.”

  Now he’s talking gibberish. How would Dane know?

  “Dane didn’t know.”

  “YES, he did. I saw him the following spring at the hardware store. Ocean would have been close to two months.”

  My mind stirs with jumbled thoughts. This still doesn’t make sense.

  “When I asked Dane what you meant at the hospital, he said he saw you at a coffee shop a month before Ocean was born. He said it wasn’t his place to tell you I was pregnant and he didn’t tell me because he was looking out for me and Ocean.”

  Lautner whips around. “Are you serious? Nice guy you’ve got, Syd. He’s a fucking liar.”

  I raise my eyes and gesture with my head toward the young ears in the other room. He sighs with regret then goes out back. I follow him.

  “Dane wouldn’t lie to me.” I cross my arms over my chest.

  “Then ask him about our conversation at the hardware store after Ocean was born. See if he tells you that I told him I was a complete wreck after losing the two most important women in my life within six months of each other. I told him it had been almost a year and I couldn’t even look at another woman yet because you marked me so deep. Then I asked him if he’d heard from you or if Elizabeth or Trevor had said anything about how you were doing.” His voice has worked its way up. Each word is filled with pain, but the emotion behind it is pure anger.

  I collapse on the bench, shoulders slumped, head down. “Why would he lie?” It’s a question to myself.

  “Because he wanted what should have been mine!” Lautner yells.

  Scrubbing my hands over my face, I shake my head. “No, it doesn’t make any sense. He was the one who originally convinced me to tell you. He’s the reason I showed up that day when Rose was there. It doesn’t make any sense that he would be on your side then lie about this.”

  Lautner laughs. “Maybe once he got in your pants, his conscience became clouded.”

  “Fuck you!” I squint my eyes at him. “Dane’s the one that found me passed out and took me to the hospital. He’s done nothing but look out for me and Ocean, even when I spent years hung up on you, thinking by some miracle we’d end up together. He’s always made sure we’ve had a house to live in and food on the table. When I needed to go back to work, he spent all his free time babysitting or walking my dog. So don’t you dare make it sound like Dane’s only goal has been to get in my pants!”

  “Then why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he tell you? ‘Hey, Sydney, I ran into Ocean’s dad and he just lost his mom and misses you so much he can barely focus on his next breath!’”

  Lautner’s face is red, his chest heaving, every muscle in his neck and arms is strained. It’s me this time, or maybe it’s just us because when we’re together it’s all or nothing. I close the distance between us so fast I can’t remember what it felt like to not be in his arms two seconds ago. My lips demand him this time and he doesn’t deny me. The feelings I have for Lautner are second only to Ocean, and since I’ve had her and seen his eyes in hers every single day for the past two years, my feelings have only intensified.

  Breaking our kiss, I press my face into his neck and hug him so tight my muscles start to ache. “Why did this happen? It’s just not fair.”

  “I know,” he whispers into my hair, holding me tight.

  *

  The anguish and pain around us the rest of the evening is unbearable. We say very little, sharing the occasional sad smile over dinner and during the movie we rented for Ocean. It should be simple. Tell Dane and Emma that we can’t live without each other and let the healing begin and start our lives together as a family. But it isn’t that simple. My feelings for Dane are complicated. Then there’s Lautner’s feelings for Emma. I’ve seen them together and when he looks at her there is love in his beautiful blue eyes. I would never ask him to choose me, because I’m no longer sure he would. He no longer has to be with me to have his daughter and he knows that. Emma’s not a fling; I know what they have is real.

  “I’ll carry her upstairs,” Lautner whispers, picking up our sleeping baby from the couch as the movie credits roll up the screen.

  I flip through the channels trying to find something to take my mind off the ache in my heart.

  “Come with me.” Lautner holds out his hand.

  I look at it then blue irises. Clicking off the TV, I take his hand. He leads me upstairs. I can see straight ahead into his bedroom. Ocean is in the middle of his bed. Turning left, he pulls me into the guest room where we slept last night. He shrugs his shirt off and sits on the edge of the bed, pulling me to stand between his legs.

  I press my palms to his cheeks, brushing my thumbs under his eyes. “Don’t want Emma to find out I was in her bed?” My voice is soft and sad. I bite my lips together and blink back the tears. My own jealous emotions are ripping me apart.

  His gentle fingers cover my left hand and he presses his lips to the inside of my wrist. “It’s not for her. It’s for you … always you, Sydney.”

  I suck in a shaky breath and hold it, then release it with my tears.

  He brushes his thumbs over my cheeks, catching my watery emotions one at a time. I close my eyes as his lips touch mine with tenderness. Last night he took, tonight he’s giving.

  Keeping his lips slow dancing with mine, his patient fingers work the buttons of my shirt before pushing it over my shoulders, releasing it to the ground. I unclasp my bra and let it join my shirt. My arms wrap around his neck and his around my waist as we fall onto the bed. Our tongues slide together—tasting, teasing. His hands skim up my back and tangle in my hair.

  “You’re a fucking goddess.” His lips move down my neck as he flips me on my back.

  The carnal appreciation in his voice drives me crazy. Arching my back, I moan as his mouth covers my breast. My fingers curl into his hair, my pelvis rocking into him. He continues to move down my body, stopping to unfasten my shorts, then standing to pull them off with my panties. I love, love, love the way he looks at my naked body. It’s a slow perusing of his eyes over every inch. He wets his lips, like a hungry predator ready to attack. How does he do that? I can physically feel his eyes on me. This will never go away. What we have is longer than time and deeper than eternity. Even if we live out our lives in the arms of another, I have to believe we will be together again … somewhere, someday.

  I start to squirm, but he doesn’t move. Is he having second thoughts? God, I hope not. I’m half way there. He has to touch me … soon! Maybe he’s waiting for me to beg. Am I that desperate?

  Yes.

  Sliding my hands under my hair, I fan it out over my head.

  That’s right … come get your goddess. Touch me, dammit!

  I move my hands to my breasts, rolling my nipples between my fingers.

  Holy shit! That feels good. I’ve never touched myself like this. I’m good!

  His mouth opens and his breaths are coming closer together. My eyes are on his, but his are on my hands. He’s getting close.

  This nipple stimulation is playing havoc with a certain area a little lower.

  “Lautner …” I say in a needy whimper.

  His eyes flash to mine and he smiles. Cocky shit thinks this is a game. I’ve gone from tears to touching myself in a matter of minutes. That’s the effect he has on me.

  Screw it! I’ve come this far.

  I slip two fingers into my mouth and with slow control circle them with my tongue, eyes on him the whole time. Then I drag them down my neck, between my breasts and lower … all the way. Slid
ing them between my legs I rub them over my clit. His smile is gone, eyes hooded, hands working the button and zipper on his shorts.

  Good Lord, I’m really good.

  Who knew? All these years I didn’t touch myself because my parents told me masturbation caused blindness. I’ve always looked judgmentally at blind people wondering if they felt shameful.

  If he doesn’t hurry up, I’m not going to need him. “Oh God,” I moan, closing my eyes.

  I open them as I feel him crawling up between my legs. He grabs my hand and stops my motions. With his eyes on mine, dark and hungry, he sucks my two fingers into his mouth.

  “Sydney Ann Montgomery, you’re quite the little temptress.” He grins, kissing his way up my stomach, stopping to give my breasts equal attention.

  “Lautner … I can’t wait.”

  He traces his tongue up my neck and sucks in my ear lobe. “I know, baby,” he whispers, sinking into me.

  “Oh God …” I moan, pulling my knees back letting him plunge deep into me.

  He pauses then inches out before easing back in at an equally slow pace. I’m no longer in a hurry. At this moment, I’m praying we stay frozen in time. I never want to forget this feeling. He completes me physically and emotionally.

  “Don’t stop …” And just like that my emotions flip and the moment brings back the tears. “… Don’t. Ever. Stop.”

  “Sydney … say it.” He breathes, looking into my eyes with something … Desperation?

  “Don’t you feel it?” He kisses me, letting his tongue dip into my mouth with the same rhythm as his pelvis.

  Closing my eyes, I try to control the building sensation that’s on the verge of exploding. His pace picks up and his breathing is erratic.

  “Say it … please, baby, say it.”

  Say what?

  I can’t think. What does he want me to say? The stars are coming and it’s an incredible slow release. Thrashing my head from side to side I cry out, “Please don’t stop … that feels … so … good …”

  One, two, three more thrusts and he stills emptying into me then collapsing on me.

  I can barely breathe beneath the weight of his strong body, but I don’t say anything. I’m used to the crushing feeling in my chest and around my heart when we’re together.