Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  “Lautner, you know damn well what I’m talking about. The stupid smirk on your face says so.”

  Lighting the gas stove, he shrugs. “I’m just happy because the most beautiful girl in the world, no offense…” he glances over with a wink “…called me her daddy today.”

  “You’re impossible!” I throw my hands up in the air. “Fine, we’ll stay but I’m sleeping with Ocean.”

  “Me too,” he adds.

  “No … not you too.”

  “Will Ocean eat chicken tortilla soup or should I make her something else?”

  “She’ll eat it if it’s not too spicy and if you have avocado to go on it. AND you’re changing the subject.”

  He smiles holding up an avocado. “Sorry, what was the subject? Because all I heard was Charlie Brown wah wah wah.”

  “You’re getting married.” I throw at him, hoping he’ll take me seriously.

  “So are you.” He throws back.

  The frustrating irony of this is he’s beating me at my own game. He’s acting like not acknowledging what happened somehow makes it less true. That’s my MO.

  “Whatever.” I leave to check on Ocean and cancel our hotel reservations.

  Lautner walks out of the kitchen while I’m on the phone and takes Ocean and the football out front. I watch out the window as she runs with the ball while he chases her. For this small moment, I allow myself to imagine the man in the front yard, the man that I love, is mine. I imagine how amazing it would feel to not carry the pain and the guilt in my heart.

  Lautner looks at the window and motions for me to come outside. I wave and nod.

  “Think fast,” he says, sending the football through the air in my direction.

  I catch it and kick off my flip flops.

  “Get Mommy!” he tells Ocean and she toddles toward me.

  I jog in the opposite direction but she quickly loses interest when she sees all the butterflies in the front bushes. Lautner grins and squints his eyes as he hunches down ready to chase me.

  “Don’t embarrass yourself, you’ll never catch me.”

  His grin turns into a full smile and he races toward me. I take off running, but he hooks his arm around my waist and pulls me to the ground on top of him. The ball falls out of my arms. Our faces are inches apart and we breathe into each other. The moment is too familiar. I shouldn’t feel at home in his arms.

  “Who’s embarrassed now?” he says with a labored breath.

  I lunge for the ball, but his long arm reaches it first. Holding it with one hand, he runs in the opposite direction. I scramble to my feet and chase after him. Ocean sees us and joins in. He lets her catch him and dramatically falls to the ground. She giggles with delight and climbs on his large chest stealing the ball back and running off again. I shake my head and hold out my hand. He grabs it, letting me pretend I have the strength to help him up.

  “Thank you,” he says.

  I roll my eyes. “Whatever, you got up on your own.”

  “No.” His voice is serious as he nods his head toward Ocean. “For her.”

  I shrug. “I’m sure you’ll have more kids someday.” Staring at my toes, I curl them into the cool grass.

  “I hope so.”

  His eyes are fixed on me as I look up. I give him a weak smile then look over at Ocean rolling in the grass.

  “When did you know she was the one?”

  “Who?” he asks.

  “Emma.”

  He walks over and sits on the porch step, resting his arms on his knees. “I’m not sure. So much had happened in my life, then one day I just realized that I no longer felt alone and she was the reason. She gave me hope when I needed it. For me it wasn’t love at first, but it was definitely a special friendship. My heart felt something again. I was drowning and she pulled me to the surface.” He laughs. “She was relentless. It didn’t matter how many hours I worked at the hospital, she went out of her way to be with me. I don’t know how many times she drove forty minutes to spend five with me. I tried to push her away, feeling guilty for not having time for her, but she wouldn’t let me. Surfing, football games, camping … she loves it all. My dad thinks she’s the female version of me.”

  His eyes find mine. I cross my arms over my chest. “Was she upset when you told her about Ocean?”

  He shakes his head. “Upset, no. It happened before we knew each other. Disappointed, maybe. She imagined giving me my first child.”

  “What about you?” I swallow hard.

  “Do I regret Ocean?” he asks with a grimace.

  “Not Ocean, I don’t mean that. I mean is it bittersweet to have a child that’s yours but not hers?”

  Ocean grabs my legs and looks up at me. I smile and pick her up.

  “Let’s eat.” Lautner smiles and stands leaving my question unanswered.

  *

  “Eeee … look!” Ocean yells in delight at the fireworks. We have the most breathtaking view of them from Lautner’s deck.

  She crawls back and forth from my lap to Lautner’s, until finally settling on the bench by the railing. I stand behind her, making soft strokes with my fingers through her hair.

  My body tenses with Lautner’s touch. He slides his hand around to my abdomen and pulls me back against his hard body. His other hand sweeps my hair to one side and then his lips press to my neck.

  “Lautner …” I whisper.

  “Shh …” He breathes in my ear.

  Ocean is enthralled with the magical light display, but I’m still nervous she’s going to turn and see Lautner touching me in a way that may confuse her. The problem is, I want him to touch me, I need him to touch me.

  His hand on my abdomen inches down between my legs and the thin material of my dress and panties doesn’t do much to dull the sensation of his middle finger stimulating my clit with slow firm circles.

  Dear God … this is so wrong, but it feels so good. My eye lids are heavy and when I blink, I see my own fireworks display, building one glorious starburst at a time. He’s working me up to my own finale.

  “Bedtime.” My voice squeaks the word between heavy breaths.

  Lautner releases me.

  “No!” Ocean protests.

  Thankfully the finale starts and she goes crazy jumping up and down and clapping her hands. She turns to give us a quick look and her eyes are huge with excitement. It’s complete sensory overload for her. I can relate, thanks to Mr. Magic Hands.

  When all that’s left are the city lights in the distance blurred by a residual smoky haze, I take her inside while Lautner brings our bags in from the car. It’s way past her normal bedtime but she insists on a book. Lucky for her I packed several.

  “I’ll read to her,” he offers.

  I hesitate at first. “Uh … okay, I’ll go shower. Goodnight, sweetie.”

  “Night, mommy.” She hugs and kisses me.

  In the shower, I replay the day’s events in my head. I’m in a bubble that’s no doubt going to burst in a few days. Today, I got a glimpse of what it would feel like to be a family with Lautner and Ocean. When I’m with him and he’s looking at me the way he used to, touching me the way he used to, I can push away the guilt. However, Dane is home waiting for me and Emma will be back in a few days. Then what? I’m not a cheater, I never have been, yet here I am allowing intimate moments with a man who is engaged to someone else. And I should be married to Dane. What are we doing?

  After slipping into some Victoria’s Secret lace bottom lounge shorts and a fitted tank, I peek around the corner to check on Ocean. The nightstand light is still on and she’s tucked under Lautner’s arm resting her little hand on his broad chest. He has one leg hanging off the edge of the bed, and they’re both sleeping. I tiptoe through the hall and down the stairs to grab my camera. I return, pleased that neither have moved. Click after click, I take numerous shots then take my camera back downstairs.

  Kicking myself once again for forgetting, I call Dane.

  “Hi, got your message,” he answer
s.

  “Good, hope I’m not waking you.”

  “Nope, just watching a movie with three dogs sprawled out on the couch with me.”

  “Hmm, what are you watching?” I ask while walking into a room opposite of the living room. I flip on the light and my breath is taken away.

  “Sydney?” Dane says.

  “Uh … yeah?”

  “Did you hear me?”

  “No … uh what?

  “I said we’re watching Marley and Me.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Sydney?”

  “What?”

  “You sound distracted.”

  I turn and Lautner is standing at the door wearing a pair of navy boxer shorts and nothing else. My eyes reacquaint themselves with every curve and ripple of his body.

  “I’m just tired. Long day of driving.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Mmm hmm.”

  “Okay, honey. Goodnight, I love you.”

  “Yeah … uh … you too.”

  I press End.

  “Like my photos?” Lautner asks with a smirk.

  Peeling my eyes off of his delicious flesh, I survey the walls of his office again. They’re covered with the photos I took of him, except they’re not the originals that I sent him. They’ve been enlarged and reframed. To an outsider it would look like he’s full of himself with all these black and white prints of various parts of his body, but not to me. I see his obsession with the photographer, not the muse.

  “They’re okay. I mean, they’re no Damon Michaels, but there’s some potential there.”

  He chuckles. “No, they’re definitely no Damon Michaels masterpieces, but I’ll give the artist an E for effort.”

  I turn and walk over to him. “I’m sure she did the best she could given the lame bodied model she had to work with.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Hey, don’t tell me to—”

  He does it again. Lips, tongue, hands … he seizes my body and my mind. God, I love the way he shuts me up. My hands are tingling they’re so anxious to feel his naked skin. I run them down his chest, one muscle at a time, and then up his back the same way. Guilt and conscience are playing their loud drums in the back of my head and chanting adultery … cheating … affair.

  Why can’t my body and mind agree? Everything is out of sync.

  “Lautner …” I whisper.

  “Shut up,” he mumbles, biting, licking, and sucking every inch of my neck. “I hate that it makes me some sort of prick, but it’s not bittersweet to have a child with you.” He sucks at my neck, brushing his lips down to my shoulder. “It’s a goddamn dream come true.”

  Grasping the back of my legs, he lifts me up, walking forward until we’re at the desk. He sets me down and shoves everything off the desk except the lamp in the opposite corner.

  Holy crap!

  I’ve only seen this done in the movies. Lautner is too organized for this type of behavior. It may take him hours to reorganize everything he just swiped to the floor. I wonder if his mind is already regretting such rash behavior. Maybe I should suggest we stop and I can help him get everything tidied up.

  “Lautner …” My needy voice tries to gain strength.

  “Don’t speak!” He slides my tank up my torso and over my head.

  He pauses, taking in my exposed breasts. His chest heaves and his hooded eyes are more of a smoky blue in this light. It’s agonizing how slow he moves his hand to one breast—lifting, kneading, caressing my nipple.

  My head falls back, eyes close. His other hand follows suit.

  “Ahh!” I moan.

  “Shh …”

  How does he do this to me? Every nerve in my body has a hair trigger to his touch. Moving his right hand to my sternum, he gestures for me to lie back. Then, with both hands, he slides my shorts and panties off. Blue irises never leave mine. Resting my feet on the edge of the desk, I watch him push down his boxers. Just the sight of his large cock springing free sends me to near convulsion.

  Oh God … we’re really doing this. The waves of guilt continue to build and I feel them spread over my face as I grimace. Why, why, why is this wrong? The magnetic force drawing us together has herculean strength. We have a child together … we should be together. So why is my mind poisoning this moment?

  “Lautner …” I sit up.

  He pulls me to his body, turns, and slams my back against the wall. With one hand, he pins both of my wrists above my head.

  “Just. Stop. Talking!” He growls, thrusting up into me.

  I cry out, feeling him completely fill me with brute force. His mouth covers mine absorbing my loud pleas. Lautner has never been this animalistic with me—demanding, dominating.

  I feel his anger, desperation, and … pain. My body feels like it’s on the verge of breaking every time he slams into me, but I don’t want him to stop—ever.

  His mouth moves to my breast, sucking in my nipple so hard my teeth dig into my bottom lip drawing blood. I want to die in this man’s arms. Even if it’s in Hell, I don’t care. I just want to be with him. The pain that this is a stolen moment, an unforgivable, epic mistake draws tears from my eyes. With one last thrust, he stills and growls dragging my nipple through his teeth causing me to climax around him.

  Releasing my wrists, he rests his head on my shoulder. I ease my fingers through his hair with the same tenderness that I do with Ocean. He just went alpha male on me, yet all I feel from him now is a childlike vulnerability.

  What. Are. We. Doing?

  He lifts his head.

  Blue irises. They’re bleeding with pain. He looks at my lips and runs his tongue along my bloodied lower lip, then gently sucks it into his mouth. I close my eyes and melt into his tender touch. His soft lips brush over my tears as I run my tongue over my lip.

  With slow ease, he slides out of me and my feet find the ground. His eyes drag along my body then he slips on his boxers and leaves. No explanation. No apology. No words.

  One more lonely tear. That’s all I allow myself. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I slip into bed next to Ocean. Hugging her to my body, I close my eyes and wait for my world to make sense again.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  July 5th, 2013

  Blue irises.

  “Good morning,” he whispers.

  Ocean is no longer nestled next to me. She’s navigated to the other side of the bed and is snuggled into Lautner’s bare chest, still sleeping. I don’t remember him coming in last night. After our encounter in his office, my body was exhausted so it’s not surprising I didn’t hear him.

  “Morning,” I return with a cautious smile. “I think she likes you.”

  “I’m in Heaven right now.” He kisses her head.

  Me too, but mine is an illusion.

  “Nature calls.” I ease out of bed.

  As tempting as it is to slip back into the bed of blue irises, I exit the bathroom and go downstairs. It’s a beautiful morning and I can’t get enough of the view. I feel like a god, surrounded by beautiful flowers and a quiet tranquility, looking down on the rest of the world. From here, the large city looks so small. Maybe that’s what this weekend is—a taste of paradise, a slice of Heaven. Can I make love to Lautner and still marry Dane? Is that even what we were doing? Was that making love or just a release of emotions—a slow goodbye?

  “Tea?”

  Turning to my left, Lautner is holding out a mug.

  “Thanks. Ocean still sleeping?”

  “Yeah, she’s out.” He sips his coffee. “‘What should we do today? Pacific Park? Universal Studios? The Aquarium?”

  So this is how it’s going to be? Like last night never happened. The same way the close encounter on the stairs never happened. Is this how it’s going to be when his fiancée comes home? Will he take her upstairs and make love to her like he didn’t just fuck me against the wall in his office?

  “We should talk.”

  He sighs and walks over to the railing with his back to me. “You’
re right, we should. I’ll go first.”

  Uh … okay …

  “Were you ever going to tell me I had a daughter?”

  Whoa! I see we’re back to this. He didn’t think to ask me this before now?

  “I think so.”

  He turns, leaning back against the railing. “You think so? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means I don’t know. It means since I struck out all three times I went to tell you, I thought it might be best to wait until she was older.”

  “Wait … three times? You tried to tell me twice.” He frowns, squinting his eyes.

  I stare down into my mug, shaking my head. “Three times. Shortly after my first doctors appointment I went to your apartment.” I laugh. “Honestly, I wasn’t exactly going to tell you right away that I was pregnant. At the time I assumed you were with Claire. The last thing I wanted was you leaving her to be with me because I was pregnant. But I knew if you did, you’d never admit that was the real reason.” I take a calming sip of my tea. “I didn’t want to settle. I thought that’s what my mom had done and I didn’t want that to be me.”

  “You felt being with me was settling?”

  “Yes … er … no. I wanted to be with you, but I wanted you to want to be with me too—just me, for me, not because I was having your baby. I knew I wanted you, I just didn’t know if you still wanted me.”

  He rakes his fingers through his hair. “So it was okay for you to decide you wanted to be with me after you found out you were pregnant with my baby, but I had to choose you before knowing it?”

  Oh, shit! He has a point. I never thought of it that way. Stupid pregnancy brain.

  He laughs, the laugh that keeps someone from tipping over the edge of insanity. “Jesus, Sydney! I chose you. I chose you before you ever left in the first place. I chose you before either one of us knew you were pregnant. YOU however, did not choose me.”

  “I would have,” I whisper.

  He bends forward slightly, placing his cupped hand behind his ear. “Excuse me, what did you say?” He can’t seem to shake the sarcastic tone from his voice.