Forever (F-Word Book 4)

by E. Davies

  He worked best spreading casting calls and photos and that kind of shit on the floor. Like an actor’s process, Tristan didn’t question it.

  “You’ve got a fire under your ass all of a sudden,” Bobby told him. “I thought you were done with demeaning roles. We were moving your brand toward leading man. Because you wanted to play straight.”

  Tristan snorted quietly and shook his head. “It’s not worth my career over. Either I work or I find a new industry. I appreciate being able to pay my bills—I mean, I make more than the average underemployed actor in town. I get that. But I’m never going to break out at this rate.”

  “No,” Bobby agreed, to his surprise. “You want the honest truth, Tristan?”

  “Please.” Tristan turned on his feel to face the man, staring across his cluttered desk at him.

  He’d trusted Bobby with his career for the last three years, and Bobby hadn’t let him down. He’d managed to find Tristan enough work. Not great work, but he wouldn’t be living in the place he did without Bobby’s help—and the help of the investment advisor Bobby had pointed him toward. When Bobby spoke, Tristan listened.

  “You need to either commit to working your ass off and going to everything I send you, and you trust me to steer you right, or you find another career where you’re self-directed.”

  Tristan blinked a few times. “Self-directed?”

  “You take the reins a lot. And I respect that. It means you care. But it also means I can’t send you to jobs without you side-eyeing me,” Bobby said.

  Tristan choked back his defensiveness and breathed for a few moments, making himself sit with the criticism. Something about it must have been true, because it stung to hear put so plainly. Finally, he nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I do turn down some work. And I was pissed off about the commercials.”

  “They wanted someone to play camp.”

  “I’m not camp.” It wasn’t a bad thing, but to someone who’d worked hard not to be seen that way, it was scary to think people might see what he tried to keep hidden.

  “You’re not,” Bobby agreed, not rising to Tristan’s defensiveness. “I don’t think you should be afraid of playing around with the way you’re seen, though. You’re a goddamn actor. The less like yourself you are, the better a job you’re doing. That doesn’t translate to real life. Don’t screw up your life in the pursuit of a career.”

  Tristan’s cheeks burned. That hit home even more than Bobby’s last statement. All he let himself say was, “Oh.”

  “The more you hide yourself, the more you have to hide, the less energy you have to put into putting masks on top of your masks.”

  “Are you saying I should come out?”

  That kind of aligned with his own desires right now, for the first time. He’d so fiercely resisted any hint of gayness in his filmography.

  But if he was thinking about ditching the industry… why not? If he got typecast, he could just burn it all down and walk away.

  “No,” Bobby said quickly. “I wouldn’t just tell anyone to come out. It’s not a nice industry. But if I could use that information behind the scenes… feed it to the right people…”

  Tristan dropped into the chair opposite Bobby, bracing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward to press his head into his hands. “No.”

  “You’re a big enough name that you can coast by for a bit. People will deliberately turn a blind eye. But not so big a name you can get late-night talk show spots by coming out live, you know? It’s a hard place to be,” Bobby told him. “I just want you to get the credit, not play the whole damn role 24/7.”

  “Fine. I’ll audition for the gay part. I want to.”

  Bobby raised his brow. “That’s a change of heart, but I’m glad to hear it. He asked specifically for you. You’ve got a great chance. But can I ask something? If you’re not coming out, why?”

  Tristan shrugged. He didn’t have a lot of secrets from Bobby. So far, he hadn’t told him about Jake, but that was about it. Because there was nothing to tell yet. “I’m tired of cobbling together work,” Tristan said.

  Bobby eyed him for a few long moments and then folded his arms. He said nothing.

  Tristan had studied the human psyche. He knew how uncomfortable people got with silence. How you could use that to your advantage, make other people fill the silence with the answers you wanted. He knew all of that, but he couldn’t stop himself.

  “Okay, and I need money.”

  “Why?” Bobby challenged. He could see the thoughts written on Bobby’s face as plain as day: Drugs? Fast cars? What does Tristan need?

  “Why do you need to know?”

  “Because I need to know that you’re in this to win this. Like you did to get to this point. You wanted me to get more picky, so I did. But you’re not auditioning anymore.”

  Tristan didn’t miss those days. Day after day being shot down, or outright blanked. Never hearing back, wondering if he was really that shitty.

  It was hell on the ego, and if he were truthful with himself, it wasn’t branding making him choosier. It was not being able to handle that rejection, over and over again.

  Oh, fuck. It was just like Grindr. They had the same effect—of grinding down his ego, until he wondered whether he was good enough for anyone at all.

  “I can do it,” Tristan said quietly. “I won’t tell you why, but the reason is compelling enough to make me work my ass off. And any day I don’t have an audition, I’m going to work on something else. I don’t know what yet,” he interrupted before Bobby could ask, “but something. Bartending? My own business? I don’t care. But I need steady work.”

  Bobby folded his hands across his stomach and leaned back as Tristan prayed he didn’t ask more questions. Finally, Bobby nodded. “Have it your way. If you’ve done something stupid, don’t let me find out from the gossip blogs.”

  “I haven’t,” Tristan assured him, smiling. “I might come out about it. We’ll see. You’ll be the first to know.”

  “Okay. I gotta give this guy a call. Hang onto your phone, Tristan. And be ready for an audition anytime. And think about letting me tell people. There are whisper networks. You end up with the right casting director, he could get you a groundbreaking part.”

  “I’m keeping my private life private. I’m not fighting it if it comes out, but I’m not gonna try to be a poster boy.” Tristan stood up and leaned in to shake hands. “I’ll play my part.”

  “And I mine.” Bobby shook hands firmly. “Let’s do this.”

  Tristan was still buzzing from the meeting by the time he got to his favorite coffee shop, not far from Plus. He planned to pick up half a dozen coffees and bring them to the charity. The guys there loved it when he did.

  He hung out here while waiting for callbacks, memorizing sides, or if they sent him home early from a job. It was a friendly place with familiar baristas, good wifi, and nice artwork.

  But now that he was more familiar with the Plus crowd, and less concerned with being outed, he felt less shy about going there to hang out, so he brought them coffee and got social interaction. Win all around.

  God, he loved that smell. Coffee meant early mornings and late nights on set. To him, it smelled like work. It was a prayer for more, like a good-luck charm.

  Speaking of more…

  He checked his phone, half-expecting nothing but stupid new emails. But there was a text waiting for him from Jake, and it made his heart leap.

  Are you free today?

  For Jake? Fuck, yeah. He sent a quick text back.

  I am now :) About to bring coffee to Plus.

  He had his answer within moments.

  Can I meet you there?

  Of course! See you soon?

  On my way now.

  Tristan pocketed his phone and carried the carefully-stacked trays out to the car again. This last part of the drive was always the trickiest, and he drove gently to keep the coffee from sloshing out of the sealed cups and onto his seats.

  He and his seat
s made it, and soon he was juggling his way through the front entrance, waiting to be let into the building.

  Tristan hadn’t seen the guys since that night in the club, which meant he probably had about ten minutes to explain his relationship with Jake and ask them not to scare him off. No big deal, right?

  “Hey! You come bearing coffee!” Kyle beamed as he pushed open the door and held it.

  “I don’t know how long I’ll stay. Jake’s on the way. He said he’d meet me here, and I… I need to talk to him. I’ve been a dumbass.” The words spilled out of Tristan before he could stop them, and he stared at Kyle, as much in surprise at himself as in need of an answer—any answer. “I don’t know how to make him feel at ease, as a trans guy, and I don’t want to fuck it up again. Can you help?”

  Kyle stared for a few moments, and then took the coffee from him. “Come on, honey. Let me grab these. How long do we have to troubleshoot?”

  “Ten minutes?”

  Kyle nodded. “Let’s go.”

  Once they were upstairs, Kyle distributed coffees and steered Tristan straight to a meeting room, then closed the door behind them and grabbed a chair beside Tristan. “Spill.”

  “I like him. He just wants to be fuck-buddies. I was thinking about quitting acting so I don’t have to be so… so closeted. And…” Tristan trailed off, then sighed. The rest of the story wasn’t his to tell. He couldn’t out Jake’s pregnancy, could he? “Basically, I think he’ll need support, and I want to be the one to support him, but he’ll never accept it. We’re not even dating yet. I don’t know what we’re doing.”

  Kyle nodded. “So, it’s complicated?”

  “Yeah. And I said something dumb that made him feel…” Tristan trailed off, glancing down. “Well, not normal, I think. I used that exact word. What was I thinking? I meant uncommon, but even that just makes him remember who he is, and maybe not in a nice way…”

  Kyle reached out to hold Tristan’s hand and squeezed. “Hey. Deep breath.”

  Tristan hadn’t even noticed himself getting dizzy. He obediently breathed in and out, then covered his face. “I’m being such an idiot, and I don’t even think he loves me.”

  The words hung in the air between them for a few moments, but there was no taking them back.

  “Do you want me to call Zeph?” Kyle asked softly. “I can help you, as the partner of a trans guy who’s spent a bit of time thinking about how not to hurt him. But if you want your best friend here…”

  Tristan shook his head. “I haven’t told him anything about this either.”

  “Well, no more keeping this to yourself,” Kyle told him sternly. “Not when we’re here to help. Okay?”

  “Yeah.” Tristan offered a little smile. “Thanks. I know this is all out of the blue.”

  “You’re brightening up a boring Tuesday. I appreciate it.” Kyle smiled, and Tristan felt comfortable with him. “So he knows you didn’t mean to be a dick.”

  “Yeah, he—”

  “It wasn’t a question.” Kyle smiled kindly. “I’m telling you, he knows. We all know when someone was trying to hurt us or wasn’t. Trans people especially are tuned into that. So don’t fall over yourself to try to prove that you didn’t mean to. Just apologize once and move on.”

  Tristan nodded slowly. It lined up with what he’d heard Nic say before. “And what if he doesn’t forgive me?”

  “What the hell did you say? Just that you don’t normally do something?”

  “Something like that.”

  Kyle smiled. “You weren’t demeaning him deliberately. I know that much about you. He’ll forgive you, as long as you talk it out. And try to do better next time. People aren’t perfect, and he’s got enough experience under his belt to be able to withstand a few unintentional ouchies.”

  “I hope so,” Tristan murmured.

  “And I think you need to think about how attached you are to him. If you’re here panicking because he might stop talking to you… it’s not just fuck-buddies.”

  Tristan’s feelings were shutting down his logical side. All he could do was trust that Kyle was right. “I know. I already know I love him, and I know it’s stupid and too soon and…”

  “Not too soon,” Kyle interrupted gently. “People can look at each other and just know. You still have to do a hell of a lot of work to make it become a relationship and survive long-term, but you can feel the initial click right away. As for stupid… love isn’t stupid,” he added, his voice suddenly fierce. “Don’t believe that for a second.”

  “I don’t,” Tristan admitted. “I just think I am.”

  Kyle snorted. “Not from everything Zeph’s said, so don’t you dare put yourself down like that. Look: he’s coming here to talk to you. He wants to give you a chance. He’s not just texting you and running.”

  The faint sound of a phone ringing told them both that they had company.

  “You’ve got this,” Kyle added with a smile, squeezing his hand again before he stood up.

  That phone meant Jake was here, and Tristan just wanted to sweep him off his feet and make him feel exactly as precious as he deserved.

  As long as he got the chance.

  15

  Jake

  Jake couldn’t stay with Tristan. Not after the kid was born, anyway. But the thought of not seeing him anymore? It made his heart ache in his chest, in a way it hadn’t done since his last breakup.

  Fuck, this wasn’t even a breakup. It wasn’t a relationship. They’d talked and talked about maybe prolonging it, or maybe feeling things for each other, but neither of them had ever suggested making it official.

  And now with a baby in the mix… he couldn’t let Tristan stay with him out of some sense of honor. Jake wasn’t something to be looked after, like he couldn’t make his own damn way in the world.

  “Hey,” he greeted Kyle when he came to meet him at the door, just like before.

  “Hi, darling!” Kyle greeted and air-kissed his cheeks. “Come on in. How have you been?”

  Jake chuckled. “A lot’s happened,” he admitted.

  “Good things, I hope.” Kyle gave him an anxious look, and Jake had to admit it felt nice to be cared about.

  “Yeah. Yeah, good things. Just big things. Is, uh… is Tristan here?”

  “He is. He’s waiting to talk to you,” Kyle said with a meaningful glance his way that Jake couldn’t quite decipher.

  “Oh. Good.” How much had Tristan told him? “Um, but first… thank you for those email addresses you gave me.” He’d emailed the doula Kyle had pointed him to last night, and they had already responded with information and some internet links to read.

  It felt a little less overwhelming not to be going this completely alone.

  Kyle beamed. “Of course! Anything I can help with, you know I will.”

  “You might be able to. We’ll see how it goes with the people you connected me to,” Jake said as he walked through the final set of doors into the Plus office.

  He immediately spotted Tristan. God, it was like every time he walked into the room, a part of his brain did a subconscious Tristan check. If Tristan was there, he was the first thing Jake noticed, and the center of his attention.

  Jake had once blamed that magnetic movie star attraction, but it was more than that. It was something personal now, attuned straight to the real Tristan, not the on-screen personality. To all his laughter and teasing, and his quiet moments of vulnerability, and how goddamn sexy he was whether on the top or the bottom.

  And then there was the way he relaxed when he walked into a room and Tristan was there. It wasn’t like his stresses were suddenly gone, but it felt like…

  Well, like he wasn’t so alone.

  The way Tristan lit up in response made him blush. Whatever this was felt so damn obvious to bystanders. No way could anyone fail to notice.

  “Hey,” Tristan greeted as he strode over to the door. Then he seemed to hesitate, as if unsure what attention Jake would welcome in public. He reached out a
hand to take Jake’s, a little hesitantly.

  Jake let him—he more than let him, in fact. He squeezed tightly in return, trying to convey an ounce of the complicated feelings that hit him. Because no matter what his logical brain told him about cutting ties, his heart wasn’t having any of it.

  “Shall we go get McFlurries?”

  That, at least, made Jake smile. “I think I’m good for those. I’d kill for some fries, though.”

  “Fries it is.” Tristan raised a hand and waved at the rest of the office, and so did Jake. Leaving on Tristan’s arm, so soon after getting here… well, he felt kind of like his boyfriend.

  They didn’t say anything at first as they headed through the hallways together, and back out to the parking lot. But neither of them moved to drop hands, either.

  Jake burst out, “We should talk.”

  At the same moment, Tristan had started to say, “So, I was thinking…”

  They both broke off and looked at each other, their fingers wedged tightly between one another’s, as if afraid to let go.

  “Yeah. Yeah, we should talk. McDonald’s fries and the park? I know one nearby,” Tristan suggested.

  “An actual park? Is it the size of a stamp?”

  Tristan laughed, and that gorgeous sound made Jake instinctively relax, like it was fine-tuned to sweep away his cares. At least, whatever the hell they said, Tristan didn’t hate him for not getting in touch yesterday. “Yeah,” Tristan said. “You wanna drive or me?”

  “I’ll take a turn,” Jake told him. At least this way, he was in control.

  But he wasn’t going to run away this time. He couldn’t just keep escaping anything he didn’t like to think about. It wasn’t going to serve him well in his new life, and if Tristan was going to be part of it… he had to stop it.

  By the time they sat on the one unoccupied bench in the little green space, each of them clutching a brown paper bag filled with fries rapidly losing their heat and firmness, they were joking about Star Wars and something Jake had heard on the radio.