Forever (F-Word Book 4)

by E. Davies

  The moment they sat, though, their promise to talk seemed to come crashing in on them both at the same time.

  “You first,” Jake said. It was the least he could do to offer Tristan a chance to talk, after he’d all but stormed away a few days ago. He opened his bag and grabbed a few fries at a time.

  God, the grease was exactly what he’d needed right now. Either this was the beginning of his pregnancy cravings, or he’d been craving junk food to make up for the stress of thinking—or trying not to think—about what he and Tristan were going to do.

  Tristan drew a breath and looked at him, not even opening his bag yet. “Okay. I’m sorry I said this whole situation isn’t normal, first off. I hope you know I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t think being out of the ordinary is a bad thing, but I get that you probably don’t need the… unusualness… rubbed in your face right now.”

  A quick breath rushed out of Jake’s lungs. That pretty much summed up everything he’d had to say. “Thank you,” he murmured. He bit his lip for a moment, and then licked the salt off his fingers so he could squeeze Tristan’s knee. “I’m really grateful that you’re putting yourself in my shoes when this is so… new for you.”

  “I really want to step up to the plate,” Tristan told him quietly. “And I think you know that.”

  Jake’s heart hammered in his chest. “I don’t know if I can let you.”

  “I kind of sensed that. That’s why I hadn’t already asked you out,” Tristan admitted with a quiet chuckle. “That, and… I think you deserve someone who’s out. You’re not just out. You’re about to be really out, to people who barely know you. I can’t support you or help you if I’m… hiding who I am.”

  Jake caught his breath and took a moment to eat a few fries, trying to turn that one over in his head. “That’s a big commitment to make.”

  “It isn’t solely for you,” Tristan told him, his expression earnest. Despite his trade, Jake had always sensed that he wasn’t putting any pretenses on when speaking to him, and he appreciated that more than anything. “I need to live this life for myself. So whatever happens with my career, it’s not your fault. But I’ve been holding myself back, thinking… well…”

  He looked uncomfortable for a moment, so Jake nudged his knee. “Thinking?”

  Tristan gulped and laughed. “This doesn’t reflect well on me.”

  “Not everything we do does,” Jake said with a little shrug. “I’ve done, said, thought stupid shit before. You just have to try to get better.”

  Tristan nodded. He took his own turn eating a few fries, and Jake gave him space to think about what he wanted to say. When he finally spoke, he looked back at Jake and squared his shoulders. “I’ve been turning down roles because I thought they were too gay. Or because they were outright—the characters, I mean.”

  “Ah. Right,” Jake murmured.

  His first instinct was to say, Too gay? Like that’s a bad thing?

  But, God, Tristan was clearly unhappy being closeted. He hadn’t said or done anything homophobic to Jake, even as they established their… whatever this was. So Jake was careful, even within his own mind, to avoid passing judgment.

  Who the hell was he to decide what was and wasn’t right for someone else to do? Getting through life with as little injury as possible was everyone’s right.

  “Okay,” Jake said at last. “I don’t like the idea of you being afraid of being gay, but… I don’t get the impression you are. So as long as you aren’t being an asshole in your real life…”

  “But that’s just it,” Tristan pressed, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees. It was the pose he seemed to adopt when he wanted to really communicate something important to him. “I just needed something to fight for. And I think I’ve found that.”

  Jake couldn’t meet his gaze. The pleasure inside him was at war with the embarrassment, and the worry. What if I’m not what he thinks? Or, worse, what if he’s trying to be with me out of just… duty? He tried to hide his blush by frowning down at the bag. “Damn, where did my fries go?”

  “Thank you for being so understanding.” Tristan sounded relieved now, and much more like himself. He held out his bag. “Want some of mine?”

  Jake smiled and shook his head. “Thanks, but I shouldn’t. I’m trying to eat healthy, aside from… you know, cravings. For the baby’s sake.”

  Which brought them right back to the elephant in the womb.

  “So, um. Do you want to be involved with me, or the baby, or both…?” It shouldn’t have been such a terrifying question. Jake’s voice shook anyway when he asked.

  Tristan didn’t even bat an eye before he answered. “Both.” The strength and certainty in his answer were undeniable.

  “Oh. You and me… I mean, setting aside the baby, if we can,” Jake said, laughing. “I think we should talk about what that means.”

  Tristan scrunched up his now-empty bag and threw it in the can next to the bench. Then, he scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Jake’s shoulder. “Can we drive to the beach and talk? Santa Monica?”

  Jake caught his breath. “But that’s…”

  “An hour, if there’s traffic? That’s fine.”

  “Out of the blue? That’s a lot of effort,” Jake teased. “I mean, I’m off work, so it’s fine with me…”

  Tristan squeezed him around the shoulders. “A lot of effort, but you’re worth it.”

  Again, Jake’s cheeks flushed with heat. Somehow, he’d always fantasized about a man—he’d never known who, exactly—saying these things to him.

  But he’d never known exactly what it would be like. A small part of him had never expected to actually hear them. Now that he did, he didn’t know what to do with it.

  “Thank you,” Jake murmured. “You make me happy. I don’t know what we’re doing, but I want to talk about it.”

  He’d never had a guy suggest this kind of spontaneous date, either. He’d spent these last few years so rigidly cooped up that he hadn’t let himself be spontaneous. What better time than now?

  “Great.” Tristan beamed and pulled Jake to his feet. “Your car or mine?”

  “I’ll drive,” Jake told him. “Saves us swapping cars. Let’s go.”

  “Let’s go.”

  As they walked to the car, holding hands yet again, Jake couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. This felt like a taster of what he could get.

  All he had to do was let himself say yes… and let himself trust. Could he do that much? Jake honestly didn’t know the answer, but he hadn’t been asked the question yet.

  Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

  But, judging by the way Tristan flirted with him and teased him to keep him distracted from the traffic heading out of the city, this chick was already pecking its shell.

  The only thing that had been standing in the way—and had been for weeks now—was Jake himself.

  16

  Tristan

  Just the sound of waves crashing on the beach made the impromptu trip worth it, a hundred times over.

  Sitting on the nearly-deserted beach next to Jake, their arms wrapped around one another to stay warm in the brisk spring breeze, was the cherry on top of it all.

  They hadn’t talked about their relationship for the whole forty-minute drive here, choosing by unspoken agreement to save that for a more romantic moment.

  And that was now.

  Tristan tried to pretend to himself that his shivers were purely from the ocean breeze. The idea that Jake might just cut the strings and walk off now was utterly terrifying.

  And there was a small part of him that worried that all he was good for was being a sperm donor.

  He trusted Jake when he’d said it hadn’t been deliberate, there was no question about that. But events were set in motion now that they couldn’t slow down.

  They were both gazing out over the ocean as they squished their toes in the sand, listening to people on the boardwalk nearby. Finally, Tristan spo
ke up. It had to be him that started this conversation, because it had been him holding them back from it.

  “So… us.”

  Jake turned an expectant smile to him. “Yeah?”

  “I like you,” Tristan murmured, keeping his voice down. He didn’t quite know why. It wasn’t like anyone was right next to them to overhear, and if they were, he wouldn’t give a fuck.

  Something in him had shifted since meeting Jake. Hell, all of his priorities had changed, and that had happened before Jake even told him about the baby.

  Coming out—living out—had suddenly become an option, when it never had been before.

  “I like you, too,” Jake said, chuckling. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled always made Tristan smile. He was developing faint laugh lines, and as far as Tristan was concerned, they were the best beauty mark there was.

  “I… I mean, I want to date you.” Tristan couldn’t hide his nervousness, and he didn’t even try. “I haven’t dated in a long time. I barely remember how this works. I didn’t want to rush things. But we’ve been getting along so well, and I can’t stop thinking about you when we’re not together. And I loved sleeping with you. Not just the sex—I mean, actually sleeping.” Fuck. He was rambling. Amateur mistake.

  But Jake wasn’t sparing him and interjecting. He just grinned, letting Tristan keep talking. What a jerk.

  “I—I know we were just fuck-buddies, and there weren’t supposed to be strings, but… look at us now. I want to romance you. I don’t exactly know how, but I want to try.” Tristan licked his lips nervously. “If you want to keep it to just, you know, screwing around… I know that’s all we were supposed to do…”

  Jake pressed a finger to Tristan’s lips. “No,” he said softly, finally cutting off his ramble. “I did just want to fuck—at first. And then I realized I like you, and I like spending time around you. There’s only one problem.”

  Damn it. Tristan caught his breath. “What?” he urged as fear squeezed in a fist around his heart.

  “I’d always imagined myself raising a kid alone.” Jake leaned into his shoulder, resting a hand on Tristan’s thigh.

  Before Tristan panicked, he calmed himself down. They were talking, that was all. He wanted—needed—to understand Jake’s point of view. “Why?”

  “I didn’t think I’d find someone who was interested in sticking around for more than one night. Not because of the trans thing,” Jake added, his lips quirking into a smile. “Well… sometimes because of that. But I’m usually pretty confident about it. It’s a good asshole filter. I mean, because… a baby. A family. It’s a big commitment. I want to know the guy I raise kids with.”

  “It is,” Tristan murmured. God only knew he’d spent enough sleepless hours over the past few nights just thinking about it, trying to see himself as a father. “And that makes sense.”

  “It does?” Jake relaxed and rested his head on Tristan’s shoulder as he let a sigh escape.

  “Yeah,” Tristan reassured him. “I hear you. And I can’t guarantee that we’ll stay together forever, you know? Not until we date and we see how we get along. This isn’t like a few decades ago when people would get knocked up and get married out of commitment.”

  “Thank God,” Jake laughed. “That’s what my parents did, and look how that turned out.” It was the first time he’d directly talked about his parents, but even though Tristan stayed quiet, he didn’t clarify.

  Tristan squeezed him around the shoulders. “But we have nine months to figure this out, right? Like a trial run. And as long as we’re on the same page about the baby, and who’s raising them, we can stay friends.”

  “Absolutely. I don’t like just ditching exes because they’re exes,” Jake said. “Life’s too short for that, unless they’re assholes.”

  Tristan chuckled. “Yeah. And I know you’d keep custody, whatever happens. I’m fine doing whatever paperwork we need to do. But I want some kind of involvement.”

  “Right,” Jake agreed. “That’s fine. But what if we do stay together, and… I don’t know, we disagree on things? That’s my biggest fear.”

  Tristan squeezed him again, encouraging him to talk it out. “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Religion? Spanking?”

  “I’d agree to spank you until you took the Lord’s name in vain.” Tristan winked at Jake when Jake gasped and looked at him.

  Jake dissolved into giggles in his arms, and it was such a beautiful sound. He sprawled on the sand, laughing until tears came to his eyes.

  “See? It would be a crime not to date someone as funny as me.” Tristan smirked and poked Jake in the chest when he finally sat up again.

  “Okay.”

  Tristan’s heart jumped. “O-Okay? As in—“

  “Yes, you worrywart.” Jake was teasing him now, his eyes glinting with mischief. “We’ll date, and we’ll see how it goes while I’m pregnant. After the birth, we’ll figure things out. I want you to have a role in this kid’s life if you want one, even if things don’t work out between us. But I want things to work out. On one condition.”

  “Of course.”

  “You buy me a lot of French fries over the next nine months.”

  Tristan grabbed Jake’s cheeks and pulled him in to kiss him as hard as he could. Their lips slid together, firm and sparking with heat. From head to toe, he felt good in a way he hadn’t before.

  Renewed.

  “Thank you,” he whispered when they finally pulled apart.

  Jake swayed for a moment and shook his head, putting a hand on Tristan’s shoulder. “No. Thank you for finally asking. I thought you’d never do it.”

  Tristan drew a breath and let it out. He was still pretty sure he’d gotten the better end of this deal, but he wasn’t going to argue. “So did I. Next up… boardwalk?”

  “Only if you go on the Ferris wheel with me,” Jake told him.

  The blood drained from Tristan’s face, but he tried to keep a brave expression as he stood up. He was pretty sure he had to fulfill all of his new boyfriend’s requests. Hell, that was probably in the new boyfriend handbook. “Of course.”

  “Oh, my God.” Of course Jake had noticed. Damn his observant nature. He could be an actor himself. “Tristan Bailey. Are you afraid of heights?”

  “Dunno what you mean,” Tristan grumbled. “Heights are fine. I’m fine. Around heights.”

  “You are!” Jake scrambled to his feet and cackled. “You aaaare,” he drawled, not letting Tristan get away with it.

  Tristan covered his face for a moment, trying to erase the blush he knew stained his cheeks. He rarely blushed—a good trait in an actor who worked with cameras—but Jake’s teasing got under his skin. “Fine! I admit it. I am.”

  “But the world looks amazing from above,” Jake gasped. “You’re missing out!”

  “Why do you like it?” Tristan offered Jake his hand. The newness of that simple act hadn’t worn off—and neither had his pride at having this wonderful, sweet, smart man on his arm.

  And, eventually, this man who would be the father of his child.

  It was more than Tristan had ever hoped for. More than he’d known he could hope for. His hopes of having a child, or a family, or even a partner, had been buried for so long that he could hardly believe he was lucky enough to get a chance at it all.

  God, he wanted—needed—this to work out. It was the missing puzzle piece that made Tristan’s resolve firm: to be himself on- and off-screen, and to be the man Jake needed him to be.

  As Tristan listened to Jake explain how he liked feeling like his troubles were down below with the rest of the world, and all its people racing around in little cars, he smiled and let Jake talk.

  His bubbly personality was back now, and stronger than ever before. Without the stress of this talk hanging over his head, Tristan felt more like himself, too. He wouldn’t have to worry about saying one thing wrong and never hearing back from Jake again.

  He could stop thinking about the what ifs and
maybes.

  Holy crap. Tristan had a real live boyfriend. Zeph was never, ever gonna believe him when he called him tonight.

  17

  Jake, three weeks later

  Our one-month anniversary is next week! Chinese and a walk in the park?

  Jake had to reread that text a few times before it sank in. He laughed and covered his face as he left his phone in the break room, ready for another busy shift at the restaurant.

  The franchise manager, Ned, was in today. Jake always tried to do his best when the manager was around, even more than usual. He took great pride in doing whatever he did well, and that included work, even when he’d rather be daydreaming about his new boyfriend.

  It was early days, but one month was a promising sign. Jake was pretty proud that he hadn’t run away screaming yet, and he hadn’t scared Tristan off, either. The idea of a couple celebrating a month together had always made Jake laugh, but now… he understood. Every month that passed brought changes to Jake’s life, and to Tristan’s, too.

  Celebrating every month that passed was utterly adorable, and just like Tristan.

  Where Jake was practical, and had made a list and checked it twice to deal with the upcoming nine months, his boyfriend felt his way through the world. It wasn’t a bad combination. In fact, as far as a coparenting arrangement went, it seemed like it would work very well.

  Over the last three weeks, they’d had the best of both worlds: hot sex and emotional intimacy. With a healthy dose of public affection, too. At last, Jake was kind of sold on this relationship thing.

  “Who’s that making you giggle?” Amanda teased as she followed him out of the staff room.

  “You should know.”

  Amanda smirked. “Oooh. That’s right. The hot boyfriend. Why isn’t he around anymore?”

  “He’s got work. Steady, actually. It’s a big movie part,” Jake told her, grinning.

  Amanda lit up and clapped his arm. “Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetie! Congratulations!”