by Lea Darragh
‘Over here,’ I said to Josh as he stood at the reception desk asking for me. He thanked the receptionist then came to me. ‘How’d you know where I was?’
‘Your text.’
‘Oh,’ I said, annoyance slipping through. ‘I had no idea you got them.’
‘Everything ok?’ Josh said, appraising my face. ‘You look flushed.’
‘It’s summer and I’m eight months pregnant.’ I wanted to understand how he could sit there and not apologise for ignoring me. Did it not occur to him that when you get an invite somewhere you respond with an answer?
‘You don’t mind that I’m here?’ he said, clearly picking up on my irritation.
‘I did invite you, remember?’
‘Yes … I texted you back saying I’d pick you up, but you weren’t home when I came by, so I thought I’d meet you here.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I said, scrambling in my bag for my phone. I plucked it out and scrolled through my messages. ‘You didn’t reply.’
He leaned over, pointing it out. ‘There.’
I peered at the screen. Shit. ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘So you did. I’m sorry, Josh. I must have read it while I was half asleep. Bugger. Sorry.’
He shook his head, sitting back in his seat. ‘Don’t worry about it. What are you reading there?’
I put my phone in my bag and handed him the magazine. ‘Nothing interesting.’
He flipped through as my embarrassment of accusing him of something he didn’t do subsided.
‘Oh, this looks interesting,’ he said, straightening in his seat. ‘How well do you know your partner? Want to do the test?’
I sighed. ‘Why not?’
‘Ok. First question. Do you know what stresses your partner is currently facing? Yes,’ he said with confidence.
‘You do?’
He shrugged. ‘Impending birth. Easy. What’s your answer?’
I wanted to say strangers on the beach, but I didn’t want to ruin his fun mood. ‘Irrational fear of becoming a father.’
He sideways glanced at me. ‘It’s not irrational.’
‘I’d like to understand more about that.’
‘Next question,’ he went on quickly. ‘Can you name your partner’s best friends? Um, Brooke?’
‘Yeah, I guess so. I have no idea about yours. No, wait! Pete. You talked about him that night.’
‘Correct. What are your partner’s dreams in life? Hmm,’ he said, thinking. ‘I don’t know that one.’
‘To be a mother to a healthy baby. To be in love. To feel secure. You?’
He gazed at me. ‘I like that.’
‘Not too much to ask, I think. And you?’ I said again.
‘Being secure wouldn’t be so bad. More adventures, too. Travel with someone who shares the joy of it as much as I do.’
‘Nice.’
‘Ok, what’s next,’ he said, scanning the page. ‘Here’s a good one. What is your partner’s favourite position?’ he said with a wink.
‘Give me that,’ I said, snatching the magazine.
Josh laughed. ‘It’s an important question, and,’ he whispered, leaning closer, ‘I know the answer.’
‘Show-off. Here’s one. What rejection or disappointment from your partner’s past still stings? Ha, that’s easy. All of the times I was cheated on, lied to and made to feel entirely unimportant. That stuff follows you forever. What about you? Josh?’ I said when he didn’t answer.
‘Oh,’ he said, shifting in his chair. ‘I don’t think I have anything.’
‘No?’
He shook his head. ‘Nope.’
‘Lucky you,’ I said, doubting his answer. Everyone has baggage and the fact he wouldn’t even hint at his was interesting. I was about to ask the next question when my name was called. ‘Here we go. You ready?’
He stood and followed me. ‘As I’ll ever be.’
‘Hi,’ Dr Baker said to Josh. Her eyes drifted to mine.
‘This is Josh Fraser,’ I said, introducing him. ‘The baby’s father.’
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘It’s good to meet you, Josh. Would you like to see your baby?’
Josh smiled and then held my hand. He was shaking, clammy. ‘I would.’
I was helped onto the bed and the doctor examined me; she then turned the lights down to begin the ultrasound.
‘Getting plenty of movements?’ Dr Baker asked me once she’d started.
‘Slowing, but that’s normal, right?’
‘Definitely. There’s not much room left, so you’ll feel more rolls than kicks.’
I glanced from the screen and then at Josh. He was glued, as if hypnotised by the grainy image. A button was pushed, and a rhythmic heartbeat filled the room. He was still staring as if completely hypnotised. I felt the squeeze of my hand, and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to create a bond between the three of us, or whether he was holding on for dear life.
‘Are you ok?’ I whispered.
He blinked hard, squeezing his eyes closed and then opened them to look down at me. ‘There’s really a baby in there,’ he said, his voice breathy as if his words couldn’t be believed. ‘Our baby.’
‘There’s a seat beside you if you’d like to relax?’
He shook his head, staring at the screen again. ‘I don’t think I can move.’
It was love, I was sure of it. He’d instantly fallen in love with his child, and I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, this moment was the beginning of something huge.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to know what you’re having?’ Dr Baker asked.
It was Josh who answered. ‘It started off as a surprise, may as well keep them coming.’
‘Ok, because I know what it is, for sure, so I can tell you.’
I looked up at Josh, and he smiled down at me. ‘No, we’ll wait,’ I said.
‘Surprises are pretty fun, so I don’t blame you,’ she said as she turned off the machine and wiped the goop from my belly. ‘The baby will be here before you know it anyway. Sitting nice and low, engaged in position. I wouldn’t think you’d go past your due date. You may even deliver beforehand. Everything’s looking good. Baby is a good size, so you have nothing to worry about.’
She said that last part eyeing me as we took our seats at her desk. I really liked Dr Baker. She didn’t treat me as if I was overreacting when I had obsessed over the progress of the pregnancy. She’d been patient. Welcoming.
‘So everything really is ok?’
‘Everything is as it should be. You’ve done a wonderful job taking care of yourself and this baby,’ she said. ‘I want to see you weekly from now until the birth. Don’t worry, it’s procedure,’ she added, my alarm obviously written on my face. ‘We can do a scan each time.’
‘Ok, good. Thank you. Anything I should be doing from here on out?’
‘You’re on maternity leave?’
‘Started last week.’
‘Good. Just rest up. You’ll feel the need to over-prepare for this baby, but just know that all he or she needs is you. Don’t worry so much about having all of the right things, or thinking that you have provided enough of the best. Eat well. Drink plenty of water. Sleep as much as you can. Love your baby. That’s it.’
‘That’s it?’ Josh said, dubious as he glanced at me than at Dr Baker. ‘Won’t the baby need nappies and blankets and all that stuff? And other people, too?’
‘Of course, all of those things matter. My point is to keep things simple. Babies thrive on loving, human contact first and foremost. Keep yourselves happy, and your baby will grow into a happy little person, too. Which leads me to ask this. How are the two of you planning to move forward from here? It’s part of my job to make sure the baby as well as the parents are in a good state of mind. I can recommend counsellors, if necessary, to help you guys navigate your way through parenthood whether you choose to go it together or apart. How are you feeling since finding out you’re about to be a father, Josh?’
‘It was a shock, if I�
�m honest.’
‘I’m sure,’ she said. ‘Did you ever plan to have children?’
He shifted in his chair, pausing before answering. ‘I would like to.’
‘Apologies for the direct questions. Olivia is my patient, and I like to get a feel for what kind of environment this baby will be born into, and what kind of support Olivia will have.’
‘It’s not something I’ve ever set out to do, but that’s not to say I don’t want this baby.’ I watched as he rubbed his hand down his thighs, nervousness palpable. ‘I just don’t know what to do.’
Dr Baker offered a smile. ‘No one knows what to do the first time, and each baby is different after that. Just remember that there’s plenty of support out there, and hopefully you have each other to communicate with?’
‘And like you said, the baby is perfect. We can handle the rest,’ I said.
Dr Baker sat back in her chair. ‘Exactly.’
‘Sounds good to me. Do you have any other questions?’ I asked Josh.
He shook his head. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘Ok, good. Make an appointment out front for next week and I’ll see you then.’
I stood and followed Dr Baker as she walked us out.
‘It was nice to meet you,’ Josh said.
‘And you, too. See you next week.’
I made an appointment for the following Thursday and headed out to the car park. The day was mild, humid. I was uncomfortable, but truthfully, I was most days.
‘So …’ I said to Josh as I reached my car. ‘Thoughts?’
‘I don’t know. After seeing the baby, it just feels really real.’
‘Like in a good way?’
‘In a good way.’
‘But?’
‘No buts. I just … I’m not actually sure how to feel about this.’
I took his hand. ‘I’ve known about this baby for months now. This is all new for you, so I understand that it’ll take time for this to sink in.’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘It will.’
I swallowed down the hope I felt back there during the ultrasound.
‘It didn’t feel like this before, did it?’ I said. ‘We had such passion. I thought I fell in love.’
‘There wasn’t any responsibility.’
I laughed, letting go of his hand and presenting my belly. ‘Clearly not.’
He laughed with me, only slightly. ‘And now it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders.’
‘Play as big of a role as you want.’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I never wanted to force you into something you had no control over.’
‘I can’t walk away now, but I also have no idea what to do next.’
‘To be completely honest, I don’t know either. All I do know, is that this baby is coming soon. I’m figuring it all out as I go. Like Dr Baker said, this doesn’t have to be hard.’
He drew in a deep breath.
‘Did you like hearing the heartbeat?’ I said, trying to bring him back to the joy, instead of the pressure.
He visibly relaxed. ‘That was something else, wasn’t it?’
‘It’s sometimes difficult to rationalise the fact that I have another person growing inside me. Utterly surreal.’
‘And it’s made from me and you,’ he said. I noted the same kind of wonder in his tone.
‘It’s like magic or something … something more than biology. It feels deeper than that.’
‘Magic. I like that. Or …’
‘Or?’ I prompted.
‘It’s like pieces of our lives are slotted into place without us realising that we wanted the pieces to fit where they were placed.’
I thought about that, trying to make sense of it. ‘Are you saying that you had never planned to be a father, for example, yet here you are, about to be one, because maybe fate had other plans, plans to give you things that you never knew you wanted until you had them?’
‘I never knew I wanted them until I had them,’ he said. ‘Exactly.’
I warmed from my feet to my hair. In that moment I couldn’t agree more. I never really believed in fate or a higher being dishing out successes or failures. I believed in good people, in fallible people, and I believed that we couldn’t rely on a higher being to move our lives forward. We had a choice, all the choices, and it’s what we did with those choices that kept us moving, in whatever direction.
‘And then sometimes there are things we’re handed that we thought we wanted, but then we decide that, in fact, we didn’t after all.’
I scrutinise him. ‘Like?’
He shrugged. ‘It could be anything, at any time.’
‘Oh?’
He gazed at me, realisation of what he’d said setting in his widening eyes. ‘Not this, Olivia. Never this.’
I nodded, choosing to believe him because what other choice did I have. He deserved the benefit of the doubt, right? ‘Ok,’ I said.
He took my hand, stepping closer. ‘I promise that’s not what I meant.’
‘It’s ok, Josh. Really.’
‘I wish I had it in me to explain.’
‘Why can’t you? You can trust me.’ He gave me a long look, then turned his attention away. He was done. ‘Want to head out for ice-cream?’ I said, offering to change the subject.
He looked at me again. ‘Do you still like the passionfruit delight from Macy’s?’
I had to laugh, then. ‘You don’t know what my dreams in life are, but you know my favourite ice-cream?’ I said, relieved to finally see the tight creases in his face ease into a smile.
‘It’s an important detail.’
‘At eight months pregnant,’ I laughed again, ‘I’d have to agree.’
He let go of my hand and moved off to his car. ‘Meet you there?’
‘Let’s go.’
I dabbed the drip from the ice-cream with my tongue as it melted down the waffle cone. We sat out front of Macy’s overlooking the beach.
‘How’s the caramel swirl?’
‘Hitting the spot.’
‘Josh?’ A woman, a different, younger woman, came bouncing up. A high, swishing ponytail and a lithe body wrapped in activewear. I was immediately taken aback, not that he wouldn’t know someone that attractive, but that he immediately rose to his feet and gave her a tight hug.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’ he said.
‘I pulled a sickie,’ she said with a wink. She looked directly at me, a smile in the corner of her mouth. ‘What are you doing,’ she asked Josh.
He turned toward me. ‘Andi, this is Olivia. Olivia, this is Andi, my pain in the butt sister.’
‘Oh, Olivia!’ Andi said with a clap. ‘I’m so glad to finally meet you! Now, I’m probably going to embarrass my brother here but he has not stopped talking about you for the past couple of years.’
‘Andi!’ Josh admonished her.
‘What?’ she shrugged unapologetically, taking his seat. ‘It’s true. Anyway. I just want to say that I’m really stoked for you guys. This baby,’ she paused, glancing at Josh. ‘It’s a really good thing.’
‘Well, thank you. It’s always good to have extra support.’
‘And you have it,’ she smiled. ‘Unequivocally.’
Josh took the seat next to me. ‘Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Don’t want to let that heart rate drop mid-run.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ she brushed him off. ‘He’s not always this rude. Just wants you all to himself I suppose.’
Josh rolled his eyes. ‘Here we go.’
‘Can’t say I blame him,’ she grinned at him. ‘He hasn’t been this excited about life in years. It’s good to see him smile again. With that camera in front of his face all the time, I forgot what he looked like. But now, here he is. Distraction free. Taking a look at his own life.’
‘Can I talk to you for a minute, oh oversharing sister of mine?’ Josh said, standing.
‘Don’t go anywhere,’ I said, slowly getting to
my feet. He reached out and held my hand to help me. ‘I’ll give you two a moment. Time for loo trip number nine of the day anyway.’
‘You alright?’ Josh asked me.
‘Fine, fine,’ I smiled, reassuring him. ‘Back in a sec.’
Andi was fantastic. I liked her honesty. She came across as a no-topic-is-off-limits kind of girl and that she’d accept whoever for whatever they were. And more than that, Josh loved her. That was clear, despite the ribbing. It was all in their hug on greeting. It was real. Palpable. I wasn’t sure Josh knew how lucky he was.
Heading back to the table I stopped out of view when I heard them talking. I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, but I wanted to watch how they were with each other. Maybe I’d get insight into their history.
‘It’s so bloody good to have you home,’ Andi said, her face alight with love. ‘And just in time for Christmas.’
‘However that may play out.’
‘What do you mean? Olivia? I thought you were in love with her?’
‘It’s about to get more serious than that.’
She leaned into the table. ‘Tell me what’s going on, Josh. The truth, no hiding from me, ok?’
He paused before he spoke, and I waited unseen, in two minds about what I was about to hear. ‘All my life, since we were kids, I’ve wanted to feel a spark. Olivia gave me that. I don’t think I recognised it for what it could have been. It scared the shit out of me. Either way, I left when I shouldn’t have. I want to reach for her, but I don’t want grab on just in case it all crumbles when I do.’
‘Ah …’ she said. ‘The elusive spark of joy. You know though, Josh, sometimes you have to relax and allow life to happen all on its own, because it will anyway. When you least expect it, a bolt of lightning will hit you. That’s exactly what happened with Jen. How many guys did I date before I met her and realised I’d been looking in all the wrong places for love. I didn’t know I liked girls until she smiled her gorgeous smile. I was hooked. That bolt struck me. I didn’t have to go looking for it, it found me. Like Olivia. Like this baby.’
‘I’m thirty soon. I don’t want to keep waiting for…’
‘For what exactly?’ she said when he didn’t continue. ‘What is it that you need so bad?’
He shifted uncomfortably. Then shrugged. ‘Like everyone, I want a companion. I want kids.’