A Spark of Joy

by Lea Darragh

  ‘I will.’

  ‘And all the other stuff, I’m sorry if I’ve caused offence. It’s part of my duty of care to make sure Maeve goes home to a safe, secure environment.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I paused a moment. ‘I do appreciate that.’

  ‘Ok, well, I’ll be back later to check on you both.’

  ‘We’re not going anywhere.’

  Dr Baker left the room and I stared down at Maeve, trying not to think too hard about what she’d said. I was right to give Josh a chance, wasn’t I? He was Maeve’s dad. He deserved that, didn’t he? I tried to ignore the two times he’d gone AWOL with not even the consideration to send me a quick text to explain. I tried not to compare that pattern to the story he told me about his parents. Maybe I did still have to consider that this was about building a future for Maeve, and maybe it had to be just her and me. Maybe. Despite the fact that I loved Josh, and despite his making promises, what Dr Baker had brought to light tapped into the lingering feeling that he wasn’t up for this kind of responsibility. And it was then that it suddenly occurred to me: he hadn’t even attempted to hold his child. Was it lack of confidence, or an unwillingness to get close to Maeve? Was I right to question him like this, or were my hormones wreaking havoc as they tried to settle?

  I did not want to cry but the tears came anyway, as I sat alone, holding my baby. Maeve squirmed and began to work herself up. I adjusted myself to feed her, relieved when she latched after the third attempt. The tears kept coming as the truth weighed heavy on my heart and I was left wondering how much I could truly rely on Josh.

  Chapter 12

  After a three-day hospital stay, Josh drove us home. He’d visited every day. I’d noted that he still hadn’t held his child. It was beginning to really bug me, but I refused to push him. I kept the visits focused on who she looked like and on the funny noises she made. He brought me fresh fruit and made sure the lone vase of flowers had enough water. We discussed telling people that Maeve had been born but decided to leave it until we’d settled at home. Andi came in and doted on her niece. She held her, and my heart sung because in a roundabout way it made Josh part of this. I’d held Josh when he came to see us after Pete’s funeral, beside himself with grief. What I’d wanted more than anything was to be home with him, able to help him through this properly. I’d watched him closely as he came and went over the days, knowing that just by the way he looked at me, and at Maeve, he was where he wanted to be. And now as he carefully closed the curtains in the nursery and I placed Maeve in her cradle for a sleep, it was clear he was working to ease my doubts.

  ‘That’s all she needs in there?’ he whispered as I closed the door until it was ajar.

  ‘I’d say so. She’s wrapped. No smothering hazards. She has fresh air and clean bedding. A clean nappy and a full belly. I can’t think of anything else.’

  ‘Did you expect to be this good at being a mum?’ he said as we headed to the kitchen. I flicked on the kettle and grabbed two cups from the cupboard above.

  ‘I’m trying not to expect anything, then I can’t be disappointed.’

  He sat at the breakfast bar. ‘Sensible. Is that what you’re doing with me?’

  The question jarred me. ‘If I’m honest I think, yes, that’s what I’m trying to do with you,’ I said as I picked up a pile of mail on the counter. I began sorting through it as I spoke. ‘I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately, Josh. I don’t know what plans you’ve made to overcome your past. I’d like to know,’ I said, finding his eyes. ‘But I understand that you must want privacy. And that brings us back to the expectation thing then, I guess. You keep it private so that if it doesn’t go as well as you hoped, you don’t have to answer to anyone.’

  ‘I’m not planning anything. I’ve told you I have no interest in a reunion of any kind.’

  I continued with the mail. ‘Ok,’ I said as I stopped on a personal letter. ‘It’s addressed to you.’

  He took the letter when I handed it to him. I flipped it over. ‘No sender info. I haven’t given anyone this address.’

  ‘Open it then?’

  He did, unfolding the letter inside the envelope. I watched him as he scanned the page. When he finished, he packed it away, placed it on the counter and nudged it away. ‘We can just get rid of that,’ he said.

  ‘Junk mail?’

  His mouth was tight as he shook his head. ‘Utter rubbish, yes.’

  ‘Can I …?’ I said as I reached for it.

  Josh sighed deeply. ‘Why the hell not?’

  I pulled the single page out and read on.

  Joshua,

  I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say other than that, but you and Andi deserve so much more, so I’ll try and make sense of what happened, if that’s possible. I’m filled with the deepest of regret for what we did. At the time, it truly felt like you both were better off without such clueless parents. We tried, but as you both grew older, I felt more and more overwhelmed with the fear of being enough for you. We were young ourselves, and honestly, through no fault of your own, we believed we were doing the right thing. As the years past, I grew up and realised that we hadn’t. I missed you and your sister deeply. I wondered about you all the time. It’s like pain I’ve never known. It was too late, though. I felt debilitating shame, and still do. Even writing this and picturing you reading it, I see you screwing it up and throwing it in the bin. I deserve that, but I’m praying I can have just one chance to see you. I would give anything to have the chance to talk. I love you, Josh, and I accept any decision you make after reading this. I’m staying at The Cove. I hope I get to see you and Andi again.

  Love,

  Mum.

  ‘Wow.’ I said as I rounded the bench and sat on the stool beside him.

  ‘She’s been stalking us.’

  ‘Well, yes, I guess so. You don’t think it’s more about reaching out, though?’

  He scrubbed his face with his hands, turning on his stool to face me. ‘I’m a dad now, Olivia. Now more than ever I want to know if I’m like my parents. I’ve never truly committed to anything, and it scares me that it might be in my genetics. But I just can’t bridge that gap.’

  I gazed deep into the fear within his eyes, knowing in that moment it was wrong to doubt it. I scooted off the stool and stood between his legs, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. ‘I love you, Josh. Let this settle, then make a choice. Try not to rush this decision. Maybe even talk to Andi?’

  ‘Yeah, maybe.’

  ‘I’m with you every step of the way.’

  ‘You think I should give her that chance she’s asking for, don’t you?’

  I trailed my fingers through his hair and I began to speak. ‘What I think really doesn’t matter when it comes to this, except for when I say that whatever action you take, you need to believe deep down it provides a way for you, will be good for you … and for Maeve …’ I said, watching as his features relaxed as I soothed him. He closed his eyes as my fingers worked.

  ‘And for you?’

  ‘I understand you, Josh, and I’ll be there for you however you need me to be. Get selfish with this decision you have to make, because it’s up to you to decide how to heal your pain.’

  After a pause, he spoke. ‘I think you’re right,’ he said, opening his eyes. ‘What have I got to lose, really?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. ‘I’ll call Andi and see what she thinks about all of this. I bet she has no idea Mum is in town.’

  My fingers worked in his hair. I gazed down at him. ‘I’m so proud of you, Josh Fraser.’

  He kissed me, tentative at first, then long and deep. I heard Maeve begin to cry.

  ‘That’s probably something we better get used to,’ I said, kissing him once more then going to Maeve. I collected her from her cradle and changed her nappy. Settled again, I carried her out into the lounge where Josh was sitting. ‘I think it’s time,’ I said to him.

  He furrow
ed his brows as I walked over to him. ‘For what?’

  Gently, as Josh opened his arms, I placed Maeve on his chest. His hands were trembling as he held on to her. She squirmed and he stared up at me.

  ‘You’ve got this,’ I said as I sat on my knees in front of him. ‘She’s a wonderful new future for us.’

  I watched as he adjusted his daughter on his chest, patting her bottom as she settled back to sleep. ‘Is she ok there?’ he said, his voice thick with emotion.

  ‘She’s perfect in her dad’s arms.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I was a complete fool to never think I wanted this.’

  A fool, just as she felt in the moment, too. ‘Maybe I should deal with my own parental issues and make that phone call to my mum.’

  He laughed once so as not to wake Maeve. ‘Starting the New Year with a clean slate? I like that plan, Olivia.’

  Chapter 13

  I wasn’t sure what I expected when Josh returned from his meeting with his mum after so many, many years. He’d seemed relatively optimistic when he’d made the decision to bridge that gap, as he’d put it, but when he knocked on my door and I let him in, his kiss was different. His tone less hopeful, and his eyes narrowed as if trying to decipher what he was really seeing.

  ‘How did it go?’ I asked, ridiculously, as he sat on the edge of the sofa.

  ‘Is Maeve sleeping?’ he said.

  ‘Yep, but she’ll be up soon.’ He dropped his head in his hands. I went to him. ‘Talk to me, Josh.’

  He scrubbed his face and cleared his throat. ‘She’s so broken, Liv.’

  ‘Your mum?’

  He nodded. ‘I wanted to forgive her as soon as I saw her. She looked awful. Nervous as hell. I didn’t know what to say, and neither did she. Even Andi was silent.’

  ‘Now that’s a miracle in itself,’ I said, hoping to lighten the mood. ‘Did your mum apologise?’

  ‘Over and over. She cried a lot. We didn’t comfort her. I couldn’t,’ he said in way of apology to me.

  ‘You don’t have to comfort her, Josh. You don’t owe her any of that. Being there with her is gesture enough to move forward.’

  ‘I didn’t forgive her, either.’

  ‘Also, not something you should feel obligated to do just because she’s regretful for what she did.’

  ‘She wants to be part of our lives. She knows it’ll take a hell of a lot of time to get to that point, but she wants it.’

  ‘What did you tell her?’

  ‘I said I have a child. She cried for a while after that.’

  ‘She’s missing out on a lot.’

  He nodded. ‘She is.’

  ‘What about your dad?’

  ‘My mum hasn’t seen him in ten years, so who knows?’

  I let that settle before speaking again. ‘Where to now, Josh? Will you meet up again?’

  ‘We exchanged numbers. I said when I was ready I would contact her. I also made it clear that I wasn’t sure when that would be, if ever.’

  ‘How’d she respond to that?’

  ‘With tears. With acceptance.’

  I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. I could hear his heart pounding against his chest cavity. His arms encircled me, clinging on to what, I didn’t know. I lifted my face to his. ‘It’s a good first step forward, Josh. You should feel really proud of yourself.’

  ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s go check our daughter.’

  I waited at the door of the nursery when Josh went in and stood before Maeve’s cradle. She was whimpering, working up to a full cry. Josh scooped her up and held her against his chest like the first time, bouncing her as she soothed. He sat on the rocking chair, stroking her back as she blinked up at him. I went to them, knelt beside them.

  ‘She’s getting to know you,’ I said quietly. ‘See how she’s closing her eyes. She knows she’s safe. She knows you love her. Your daughter has you, and me and Aunty Andi and your friends. She’s the luckiest girl in the world.’

  ‘Oh, and she has your parents. How did that go?’ he said.

  I stood. ‘About that … I may not have called them.’

  ‘Olivia,’ he said, admonishing me. ‘What happened?’

  ‘I couldn’t do it. Here you are thinking you’re not capable of handling the big things, but it’s me who’s putting off a phone call to my mum. I’m the true coward.’

  ‘What’s holding you back?’

  ‘The guilt I feel at having not told them in the beginning like I should have. I was trying to save them the worry and saving myself the judgement and questions. They would have wanted me to come home. They would have wanted me to wrap myself in cotton wool.’

  ‘I tell you one thing I’ve learned through all of this with my parents, I wish there’d been transparency. It sucked being lied to. I don’t think you realise how lucky you are, Olivia. If the biggest thing you have to worry about is being loved too much, you’re doing ok.’

  Shite. He was absolutely right. ‘And right alongside the guilt is the shame about how I’ve behaved, and about getting pregnant in the first place, as entirely misplaced as it is,’ I said before he got the impression I regretted Maeve. ‘My mum certainly won’t help with alleviating any of that. She’s had her heart broken enough. Of course I’ll tell her, and soon, but I’m not ready just yet.’

  ‘The sooner the better though?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. The sooner the better.’

  ‘So, when do you think we should let everyone meet Maeve?’ he said, a sudden spark in his eye as he adjusted her. I didn’t want to stand in his way of what he was feeling. That eagerness to be a good dad, the pride he finally felt at something he thought he’d never achieve.

  ‘Today seems like a good day,’ I said. ‘And I’d love the fresh air. I’ll give her a feed and a change and we’ll get going?’

  He let me take her as I reached down. ‘I’ll give everyone a call and organise a meet-up. At the beach? Can Maeve be around all of that sand?’

  ‘She’ll be fine. The fresh air and vitamin D will do her good.’

  ‘Ok.’ He hovered as I changed Maeve and then sat in the rocking chair to feed. ‘You’re a natural at this,’ he said, awe in his tone.

  ‘She’s the natural. We’re lucky she’s a superstar.’

  He came over and knelt down, watching Maeve as she fed. ‘She absolutely is.’

  He lifted his face to mine. ‘I …’ he trailed off.

  ‘Yes?’

  He kissed me, lingering, his eyes closed. I closed mine too, hoping to read his mind. I felt what he wanted to say, and that was all I needed.

  He straightened. ‘I should go make those calls.’

  ***

  Out in Cobblers Cove, New Year’s Eve festivities were underway. The day was hot and I was glad to not be carrying around a heater in my belly. I wore a wrap skirt and a maternity top for easy feeding while we were out. I offered to carry Maeve in the carrier but Josh wanted to, so I obliged. Every chance he took to bond with his daughter was a good sign he truly wanted her, wanted us.

  We gathered at the spot where I’d first met his friends, and I held my breath as we approached, waiting for a comment from Matt, or a vibe that I was still not a part of this tribe. As soon as Andi spotted us, though, she jumped to her feet, as did everyone else, clapping and grinning, welcoming this new family into the world.

  ‘Look at her. Look at you!’ Andi said to Josh as she kissed his cheek, then she peered down at Maeve. ‘She’s beautiful. I’m so proud of you, Josh. You look absolutely besotted. He’s in love already, isn’t he, Olivia?’ she said to me.

  I looked his way, not wanting to answer for him, and because I didn’t know for sure what he was feeling.

  ‘She’s like one of those tricks where you can see what’s happening right in front of your eyes but can’t work out how she actually came to be,’ he said.

  ‘Care for me to enlighten you?’ Matt said with a laugh.

  ‘Ha ha,’ Josh laughed with him
. ‘It’s surreal is what I’m saying. She’s magic.’

  Amy hugged me, and I held onto her as grief weighed on her.

  Andi was next. ‘Congratulations,’ she whispered, her voice hitching. ‘Thank you for giving my brother this gift after we lost so much. Thank you for giving me this chance to be the best aunty in the world. This girl has no idea how spoilt she’ll be.’

  When she pulled back, and wiped her eyes, I truly felt the depth of how much this group loved each other.

  Matt hugged me next. ‘Well done, Olivia,’ he said. ‘You’ve made him smile again.’

  Then came Jen, and after that I glanced down at the empty chair, saddened that Pete was missing this. I found Josh, catching him as he gazed at the empty chair too. I linked my arm with his. ‘She’s lucky,’ I said as everyone sat around in the circle. ‘She has us, plus a guardian angel to watch over her.’

  Josh began loosening the carrier. I carefully took Maeve and sat, adjusting myself so that she was in the shade.

  ‘So will you two get married now?’ Amy said, lifting her mouth into a brief smile.

  ‘I think you have to be further into a relationship for that,’ I said after Josh deferred to me to answer. ‘Right?’ I added, deferring back to him.

  ‘Well she does love me …’ he said. My heart got caught in my throat and I felt my cheeks heating. It seemed such a private thing, and considering he hadn’t said it back to me, it left me feeling exposed. He shifted so that he was facing me, locking our eyes. ‘And I know that I love you with all of my heart.’

  I was shocked into silence, a silence filled with thinking about how my family would react if Josh proposed right now. Though I had to admit my first reaction to it all was joy, the very next was holy hell. The pressure of announcing the birth of our child was hard enough, let alone a pending marriage. It would break them completely. I felt myself shaking my head before I could stop it. Josh’s smile fell.

  ‘No, I don’t love you?’ he said with an awkward laugh. I wanted to explain, but not in front of his friends, who as I glanced around the circle had their attention homed in on us.