A Spark of Joy

by Lea Darragh

  ‘You love me?’ I stammered.

  He lifted a hand to his chest. ‘Olivia, I love you.’

  ‘And he truly must, because he’s never said that before,’ Andi said. ‘Not to me, or to any of his past … to no one.’

  ‘Candid bunch, hey,’ I laughed.

  ‘Excuse us if we cling to this happiness,’ Amy said, warmth in her tone. ‘We kind of need it. We’re not saying you have to get married, just getting carried away with the possibility.’

  ‘I understand,’ I said. ‘And I do love you, too, Josh.’

  ‘Here,’ Andi said, gesturing for Maeve. ‘Let me take the little one. You two should take a walk.’

  I handed her over. ‘We won’t be long.’

  Hand in hand we meandered up the beach, stopping before we reached the dunes from his past.

  ‘So,’ I said. ‘Why did you wait to say it back?’

  He pulled me into him, kissing me deep. ‘Because I wanted to be able to hold you, really kiss you after. I wanted to be able to show you it was real. I wanted to feel it was real. Like a pinch myself situation.’

  ‘Liar. You were waiting for me to say it first,’ I stated.

  He chuckled. ‘There may have been some fear involved in waiting, but you can understand why it takes so much for me to put myself out there?’

  ‘I do. Thank you for finally opening up. It means we can move forward on the same page, and that’s important for Maeve as well as us.’

  ‘Speaking of “I do” why the utter panic back there?’

  ‘Could you imagine if I had to tell my parents about a secret baby and engagement?’

  ‘So … not because it’s me?’

  I kissed him this time. ‘It’s because I’m a coward.’

  ‘Well a new year is coming. Let’s hope it begins with a fresh start.’

  ‘Subtle,’ I laughed.

  ‘Come on, let’s head back.’

  We ate lunch on the beach with his friends and then packed Maeve away into the carrier. Walking home hand in hand, I rested my head on his shoulder, content, and my heart full. A breeze picked up and lifted my hat off my head. I chased it down the beach a short way, and when I picked it up and straightened it on my head, I heard my name being called. My heart sank. I glanced around, and there they were, waving from the esplanade.

  ‘Shite,’ I whispered. Josh came to stand beside me.

  ‘Who are they?’ he said, following my line of sight.

  Panic jetted through my veins. My stomach twisted. ‘My parents.’

  Chapter 14

  Mum held me tight as we hugged. She pulled back and lifted my face in her hands, gazing at me as if I were an apparition.

  ‘It’s really you,’ she said. ‘I’ve missed you so much, my girl.’

  She let me go so I could hug my dad whose eyes were wet. ‘It’s good to see you, Dad,’ I said as I wrapped my arms around him.

  ‘Is it always so hot here,’ he said with a sniff as he pulled back.

  ‘And who is this, then?’ Mum said.

  ‘Oh, ah, this is my friend, Josh. Josh, this is my mum and dad.’

  I watched as Josh’s smile faded. He glanced at me and then nodded at mum. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘And this is your daughter?’ Mum said to Josh.

  ‘Yes, she is,’ he said. ‘This is Maeve.’

  ‘Maeve?’ Mum said. ‘What a beautiful name. How lovely of you to take her out for a walk. Giving her mum a rest? I’m sure she needs it, poor thing. She’s been through a lot. How lucky she is to have this healthy baby and a handsome hands-on partner.’

  He glanced at me, brow lifted. If he responded, he’d be implicit in the lie. He knew it. I knew it.

  ‘So how long are you here for?’ I said, changing the subject.

  Mum stepped away from Maeve. ‘Oh, a week. We’re booked at a hotel for tonight but then we thought we could stay with you? We didn’t want to surprise you with this and then expect you to be prepared for us. This way, you’ll have a chance to sort some things out.’

  The blood drained from my body. ‘You want to stay with me? At my cottage?’

  ‘Well,’ she laughed lightly. ‘I don’t see a better way to get the most out of each other while we’re here for only a short stay. You have a spare room, don’t you? But of course if we’re not welcome …’

  ‘Of course you’re welcome. I’m just so surprised that I’m not thinking straight.’

  ‘Your father and I will head off for some of this famous Australian coffee then we’ll meet up for lunch?’

  I nodded. ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘It was nice to meet you, Josh, and little Maeve, too. Maybe we’ll see you again while we’re here?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, looking at me. ‘Maybe you will.’

  I hugged my parents again, hoping they didn’t pick up on the shake in my body. We walked home but I didn’t take Josh’s hand this time. His pulsing jaw and pursed mouth told me he wasn’t interested in an apology. Not yet.

  ‘I don’t know what I’m more shocked by,’ I said as we neared my home. ‘The fact that they pulled off this surprise, or that they actually had the guts to fly halfway around the world during an Australian summer,’ I said, to get a feel for just how much he hated me right now.

  ‘They clearly love you,’ he said, matter-of-factly. ‘You should truly appreciate that, Olivia.’

  I opened the gate to my front path and let Josh through, then did the same with the front door. ‘She’s still asleep,’ he said as I helped him with Maeve. He lifted her as I unbuckled the carrier from his body. ‘Should I put her to bed?’

  ‘Yeah, let her sleep.’

  I made us some cold drinks and waited for him on the sofa. When he came out, he hovered in the doorway to the lounge, crossing his arms and leaning on the doorframe.

  ‘Drink?’ I said.

  ‘Are you ever going to tell them?’

  My heart began to barrel in my chest. ‘Come and sit down.’

  After a beat he perched at the other end of the sofa. ‘I want a future with you, Liv. I want it so bad that I’m trying to forgive my mother who threw me away like rubbish, to get closure so that I can finally move on—with you. Every choice in my life has revolved around the way they treated me. I’ve held myself back. I’ve locked myself away. I’ve refused to fully immerse myself in life because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be part of something this amazing. I especially kept a distance between myself and love, because love means a future with expectations. But none of my past has made me feel as small and insignificant as you just did.’

  I stared at him, unable to find the words to respond. He was waiting, though, holding me in that moment. He deserved an explanation, of course he did.

  ‘I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I just … did. I panicked, and I’m so, so sorry for that.’

  ‘I do understand why you wanted to protect your parents from pain. But Maeve is here already, healthy and happy, just like us. Wouldn’t it have been the perfect chance to tell them? There on the beach like a family, in the sun, in love. Or maybe that’s just it.’

  ‘What?’

  He locked his eyes on mine. ‘Maybe it’s not really love.’

  Immediately, I moved closer to him. ‘I didn’t panic because of you, or because of Maeve. I panicked because I’ve always had so much pressure put on me to be the perfect daughter and to follow the rules and to always, always assure that I never became a mother. I’d rehearsed the moment I’d tell her since I became a woman and knew I wanted to have children, despite her warnings. But like you, I’ve held back from it because I didn’t want to have her negative vibes hanging over me while I became a mother. I thought it would be easier to go through the pregnancy without telling her. And it was a good idea in theory, but since this visit came without warning, can’t you excuse that I was caught off-guard?’

  ‘I can’t feel like that anymore, Olivia.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I attempted to take his hand, but he pul
led it away, increasing the distance I’d put between us.

  ‘I have to go,’ he said as he stood.

  I got to my feet. ‘Wait, let’s talk about this. We can’t walk away from each other during an argument. It’s important to stay and work it out.’

  ‘Can’t you excuse me if I’m not used to that?’

  ‘Josh,’ I said but he was already at the door, opening it. He turned back, his expression breaking me. I didn’t want to cry, though. When I said nothing, he walked out, closing the door behind him.

  I slumped back down onto the sofa, knowing I was the only one who could fix this. My heart was aching because it was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. To get this relationship off to the best start with Josh, I had to disappoint my parents. To feel as happy as I wanted to, I had to break someone’s heart. I loved him. I wanted Maeve to have a secure life, one that left her no room to doubt that she was wanted, respected and loved. I wanted her to get excited out of life’s fleeting sparks of joy, not second-guess that she deserved them, and all of that had to begin with her mum being brave enough to live her best life.

  I reached for my phone on the coffee table and texted mum, telling her I was ready for her to come and stay.

  Chapter 15

  My heart pounded when I opened the door to my parents. Happy smiles and hugs as they came in. The beginning of any greeting between family who hadn’t seen each other for a year.

  ‘Your place is even better than it appears in the pictures you’ve been sending us. Just gorgeous. So much like home,’ Mum said as she came in, taking everything in.

  I kissed Dad on the cheek. ‘We’ll have to take a walk around the garden later, hey Dad?’

  ‘It looks good out there. Working hard on it?’ he said. ‘Any roses?’

  ‘Some out back.’

  He beamed. ‘You’ll definitely have to show me those.’

  ‘Come in, sit down,’ I said, leading them into the lounge. They sat on the sofa and I took the chair opposite them.

  ‘Drinks, dear?’ Mum said.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, nervousness zinging through me. ‘I’ve forgotten my manners.’

  I raced to the kitchen and returned with three iced waters, sculling half of mine when I sat.

  ‘So work is going well?’ Dad said. ‘This is a nice place.’

  ‘Yes, and the furniture looks expensive,’ Mum added.

  ‘I do well, yes.’

  ‘Plus, on your own, the bills are more manageable. I’ve done the research, dear. Australia is expensive. Lucky you don’t have children. I see you’re doing very well, indeed.’

  ‘Actually,’ I began, my entire body coming alive, my gut twisting, my head whirring. I reached over and took another big gulp of water.

  ‘Everything ok, love?’ Dad said.

  I felt Mum staring at me. ‘You’re pregnant,’ she announced.

  Immediately, I shook my head. ‘No.’

  She inched closer, sitting on the edge of the sofa, appraising my face. ‘Yes, you are. You have that glow. I thought it was just the sun, but it’s not, is it?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’m not pregnant.’

  She glanced at my dad. ‘You’re seeing this?’

  He shrugged. ‘If she says she’s not, then she’s not. I doubt she’d lie about that.’

  I honestly thought I was going to throw up. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. When I opened them, they were both staring at me.

  ‘I’m not pregnant … anymore.’

  ‘Oh my god, you’ve miscarried,’ Mum said, her tone both emotional and I-told-you-so. ‘Olivia, what have I been warning you about? I told you—’

  ‘Mum!’ I snapped. Mum’s eyes widened at my outburst. ‘I haven’t miscarried. I haven’t had a stillborn. I haven’t had haemorrhoids or high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. I haven’t lost or gained too much weight or even had that much morning sickness. Birth was textbook but all sorts of hellish painful.’

  ‘Birth?’ she gasped. ‘What are you talking about, birth?’

  I looked to my dad for reassurance, but his wide-eyed gaze gave me none.

  ‘Olivia?’ Mum insisted. ‘What birth?’

  I stood up and went to the nursery. Maeve was stirring. I picked her up, quickly changed her, and bundled her back up into her blanket. Before stepping back into the lounge I paused, drawing in a deep breath. Gazing down at my perfect daughter, I knew I truly had nothing to be ashamed of. Mum gasped when I walked in, her hand going to her mouth. Dad’s mouth fell open.

  ‘This is Maeve. She’s my daughter.’

  Mum stood and came to us. ‘Maeve, from this morning, with that man, what was his name?’

  ‘Josh.’

  ‘This is the same Maeve. And he’s …’

  ‘Josh is Maeve’s dad.’

  Mum held her hands out. ‘And you lied to us?’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Mum.’

  She kept her eyes glued to Maeve. ‘Can I?’

  I slipped Maeve into her arms and watched as she sat back on the sofa. I took to my chair. Dad shifted closer to Mum, staring at their grandchild.

  ‘Her name is Maeve Rose Fraser. She’s five days old. Her birth was without a hitch. She feeds like a trooper, and poos like one, too. She sleeps well, and seems to like it when you trail a finger down her forehead and nose.’ I paused as they took her in. I wasn’t even sure they were listening. ‘She was seven pound, three ounces. Forty-eight centimetres long. What else is there … oh today’s trip was her first to the beach.’

  Mum finally looked at me. ‘Olivia,’ she said. ‘Why would you keep this from us?’

  I glanced at Dad. He wiped a tear from his face. He was going to be no help. Mum hadn’t shifted her attention from my face. ‘You can’t be serious,’ I said.

  ‘What have we ever done to deserve being shut out like this?’

  ‘For my entire life I’ve been reminded that I’d die if I ever had a baby.’

  She shook her head, dismissing me. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘I’m really not overreacting here, Mum. Every time we talk you make sure I’m taking the pill properly. You remind me, no, you pretty much promise me that if I were to get pregnant, I’d suffer like you did.’

  She scoffed. ‘I see you heeded my warning.’

  ‘See? That’s why I didn’t tell you. For one, I didn’t want to put that worry on you. Two, I wanted a relaxing pregnancy without more and more stories about stillbirths. I was worried enough about having a baby, let alone having horror stories shoved down my throat. Dad, help me out here. You know what I’m talking about.’

  ‘I understand why you didn’t tell us, but I truly wish you had, love,’ he said.

  ‘You put so much pressure on me, essentially holding my fertility to ransom. And I knew you’d react like this and make me feel ashamed about falling pregnant, when it was meant to be the most magical time of my life. I lied to protect you, Mum, so that if things went bad, you would never have had to worry. You forced me to go through it alone.’

  ‘But you’re not alone. There’s Josh. Why didn’t he make you see sense?’

  ‘I was seeing complete sense, Mum. It was you who I knew wouldn’t be able to understand why I chose to have Maeve. If it were up to you, she would never have been born. But look at her. Why would I not want to be a mother? If I’d listened to you, I wouldn’t be the happiest I’ve ever been.’

  Maeve started to fuss so I stood and walked around, scooping her from Mum’s arms, returning to my chair.

  ‘You took quite a risk to prove a point, Olivia.’

  Reaching around to the back of my chair for a baby throw blanket, I covered Maeve over as I started to feed. ‘I didn’t have a baby to prove a point, Mum,’ I said quietly so as not to disturb Maeve. ‘I had a baby because I fell pregnant, and decided that being a mum, and making sure I took the best care of my child, was my number one priority. And because of all the horror stories and warnings you gave me, I was terrified
the whole bloody time.’

  She stared at me, her face hard, the resentment pulsing from her, but after a minute her expression softened as she watched me feed. When she began to cry, my heart ached. I knew I’d stolen a lot, and maybe I was wrong to exclude her, but it was important to listen to my instinct. And right now I felt her mix of disappointment in me and deep sadness that she’d lost so much.

  ‘I wish I could erase your pain. I truly do,’ I said, keeping my tone gentle. ‘What you have been through in your journey to motherhood must’ve been heartbreaking, and had you stopped fighting to be a mother, I would never have been born—and neither would Maeve. I decided when I found out I was pregnant that I couldn’t hold my life back because of your experiences, because we never know what will happen. I knew it could be absolutely horrible, or it could be the most magical moment I’ll ever feel. That now we can feel. I thought it was worth the risk. I wish you could have remembered that when teaching me about motherhood.’

  She wiped her face, and I tried to breathe deep, to create a calm place for Maeve to feed. ‘And what about Josh. Are you two planning on getting married?’

  Finally, a change of pace. ‘I love him, but we haven’t really talked about that a lot. It’s still very new to us.’

  ‘Still new?’ Mum’s dainty brows furrowed. ‘How long have you been together?’

  I helped Maeve latch when she started to squirm, letting go. ‘Um, let me see,’ I said once she started feeding again. ‘You want honesty?’

  ‘That’d be nice, dear.’

  ‘Ok, then. We’ve known each other for a few years, through work. He’s a photographer. We flirted and whatnot but never went on dates. One night though, we were out for a work thing and we really hit it off. We spent the night together,’ I said, my face heating as my eyes darted to Dad then back to Mum. ‘The next day he went overseas for work. He didn’t know about the baby until he returned a few weeks ago.’

  Mum tutted. ‘So you kept her a secret from him too?’

  ‘That was different, complicated, but I’ll have to wait for Josh to tell the story.’