If You Still Want Me

by C. E. Kilgore

  A hand touches my arm, and I look up to see Austin smilin' over at me. I must have a crazy look on my face - like I could lose it at any moment. Blinking at the dashboard clock, I realize we aint said a word in nearly five hours 'a drivin'.

  "I need to stop for gas soon," he nods towards the gauge. "I was thinking we could stop in Baton Rouge for the night. New Orleans is only a couple hours more, but I don't want to show up at her dad's place too late."

  "Sure we shouldn't call and tell her we're comin'?"

  "I don't want to give her time to over-think it, you know? We need to sort this out. If she still wants to stay with her dad afterwords, then we'll figure it out from there. Together."

  I inhale sharply at that. I thought I'd lost my girl and my best friend last night, but here he is, driving my ass to New Orleans. "Thanks, amigo."

  Fuck. That sounds so damn casual compared to what I'm feelin' inside. I wish I knew how to express it to him - how much it all really means; how much I really do love him.

  I love Austin. There aint no doubt in my mind about that. He's right, though; I don't love him like I love Victoria. I don't love no one like that but her, and I never will.

  More I think on it, though, more I realize it aint all that different with Austin. I love him in a way that's different than the way I love my other friends, and I don't think I'll ever have these same feeling for anyone else. I wish it could be enough for him, 'cause I think me an' him really could have ourselves somethin' incredible.

  Just outside of Baton Rouge, we stop for the night at a Super Eight. I know they got clean rooms, and they aint gonna kill our lack-luster bank accounts, either. Austin and I walk up to the counter, suitcases in hand, and a cute-as-a-button older lady is smilin' back with a subtle blush that tells me certain things about the thoughts goin' through her head.

  Austin tips his Stetson at her, raisin' her red blush up a shade. "Evenin', ma'am. Do you have a room with two singles?"

  Her eyes dart between him and me. "We do... but, a single room with a king-size is actually thirty dollars cheaper."

  I can't help but grin at her subtle 'it's okay if yer gay' wink she gives me. I nod and lightly elbow Austin to the side. "We'll take it," I say as I pull out my wallet. "I gotta put up with his snorin' anyway, so maybe I can get some payback with my cold feet."

  She giggles at that and takes my card. "Sixty-four dollars and twenty-three cents, then."

  Austin starts to argue, but I wave him off. "You paid fer gas, amigo, so I can get the room."

  He grumbles with an 'I don't snore' comment that has me and the nice lady laughin' as I take the room keys before shoving him towards the hall she's pointing too. "Any good pizza places round here?" I call over my shoulder.

  "Papa Johns delivers free," she smiles with a wave. "There's a menu next to the phone in your room, sweetie."

  "Thank you, ma'am," I wink.

  "Brat," Austin points out the obvious as he swipes a key-card from my hand. "You know what she was thinking."

  "'Course I do, amigo. That's what makes it fun." I lean on the wall as he fights with the key-reader on our door. He's also fighting against a smile, so I poke the dimple in his cheek. "Just think 'a the dreams she's gonna be havin' tonight. Two hot cowboys an-"

  "Saul," he sighs, forehead tapping the door. I can see the battle inside his head through the ticks of his jaw.

  Fuck it. Five, silent hours have given me a long time to come to terms with myself and what I want from him. He's my friend, I love him, I want him and I aint leavin' this hotel 'till he either accepts what I can give him or he knocks me unconscious.

  God, please let him choose the option that includes us gettin' naked.

  "Austin," I sigh right back in a tease. Sliding my hand on top of his, I ease the card up and down in the slot, nice and slow. The light goes green, making me grin as I set my chin on his shoulder. "Looks like it just needed a gentler touch."

  A flurry of Spanish I don't understand follows my tease as he pushes open the door. Maybe I ought ta' learn Spanish. Guess I could start watchin' Dora with Sarah's girl when I get back.

  Damn, that's something else I gotta find a way ta' make right. Kyle and Sarah deserve a talkin' to, and an apology. I gotta finally put my foot down about that drunk husband 'a hers, too.

  But not tonight. One thing at a time. Deal with Austin first. Then Victoria. Then Austin and Victoria at the same time, then-

  Holy fuck, that's the hottest damn image ta' ever come through my head.

  "You coming?" Austin asks, holding the door open for me.

  Hell yes! If I have anything ta' say about it, you bet yer ass I am. That makes me snort a little giggly laugh as I walk past Austin.

  Before I know what's happening, the door shuts, he whips me around by the arm and stares deep into my eyes. "Whatever crazy thoughts have you giggling like a schoolgirl need to end."

  The hold on my arm makes my blood race. I love his strength and the way his gray eyes look straight into me. "Why? Thought we was havin' fun?"

  "Thought I made clear why last night." He lets go, sets down his suitcase and stares at the wall with both hands planted on his hips. "Dammit, I'm trying, Saul. I'm trying to be the best friend you deserve, but when you tease me like that..."

  Undeterred, I mosey on up behind him, snaking a hand up between his shoulder blades. "Like this?"

  "Stop," he exhales. "I don't want to do something I'll regret. Having sex with you-"

  "I don't wanna have sex with you," I whisper into his ear before nipping it. "Thought I was clear last night, too."

  His chin falls to his chest. "I don't understand."

  Well, aint that a peach. I finally get something he don't. With a flick against the back brim, I send his hat tumbling to the ground then wrap my arms around him. I hold him as tight as I can, my cheek rubbin' his while I hope I can be enough.

  "I love you, Austin. No, I don't love you the same as Victoria, but I don't think it's possible ta' love two people exactly the same. I don't love no one the same as I love you. That's gotta mean somethin', right?"

  His hands trace a path up my arms until he reaches my fingers that are curled into his shirt. "I'm afraid," he admits in a whisper. "One day you'll decide the sex isn't what you want anymore, or that you and Victoria want to be exclusive again."

  "I can't pretend ta' know what's in the cards for the future, but I think Vickie done made it clear she wants us to try this. I wanna try it, too."

  "Saul..."

  "I want you, Austin, and I don't wanna run from these feelings no more." Detaching my body from his enough to coax him around to face me, I say what I should'a said last night. "I don't want you to fuck me, Austin. I want you to make love to me."

  I watch in awe as an understanding blossoms in his eyes. It's so beautiful - that moment when he accepts what I'm offerin' an' decides ta' take a chance on this. I think, maybe, he's acceptin' things about himself in that moment, too.

  I wanna give that to him more than anything - that ability to be comfortable with yerself. I wanna hold hands with him in public just as much as I want him ta' take me to bed. I want a real relationship with this man, built on the foundation of our friendship an' open to the idea 'a Victoria sharin' it with us. I smile, 'cause I see those same wants reflected right back at me in his eyes.

  "I love you," he affirms before sliding a hand up the back 'a my neck, tugging slightly on my hair and pullin' me into a kiss that damn near blows my mind.

  Those subtle ways he commands my body - a touch, a gentle pull, a stern glance - it has me lit up in ways I don't get from Vickie's whip. It's different, and I can only imagine what they could do to me together. My whole body convulses at the idea.

  He pulls away from the kiss, leavin' me panting with a tiny whine. I try to reestablish my lips to his, but he tugs on my hair to keep me still. I playfully fight against the hold, and his eyes darken.

  Damn, he likes it, and it's my pleasure to keep it going. "You gonna make me w
ait all night, cowboy?"

  "You said you wanted me to make love to you, yes?"

  "Sí," I grin. Okay, so I know a little Spanish.

  "Then," he nips my chin but pulls away too quickly for me to make a counter move. "We're gonna do this right. First, you're gonna get into the shower while I order pizza and check in with Brandon."

  I whimper at the idea of havin' to wait any longer to have my hands on his naked body. His grip on my hair tightens, making my cock weep with me. "Do I gotta?"

  "A horse ride followed by five hours in the car says you do. Plus, you barely ate anything at brunch."

  "I was too worried ta' eat," I pout, my fingers tweaking one of his nipples through the fabric.

  He grabs my wrist while pulling me away from his body by my hair. "That's why you need to eat. Please, Saul. For me?"

  The move and the request has all my engines fired up. I think Austin's been watchin' all the things that go on at The Stables. I think he's been watchin' and takin' notes.

  Even without the club or the leather, I still crave this dominance. I need it. It's part of how my brain functions.

  I'm sure there's reasons behind it, tied to certain things that I don't like to discuss with myself, but I don't think it much matters how I got this way. I enjoy it. I think Austin's enjoying it, too, an' that makes me happier than I've been in a long time.

  "Yes, sir," I reply, lowerin' my eyes in submission while the smile on my lips grows just a bit.

  Austin gently tugs my tall height down, kisses my forehead then lets me go. "Good boy. Go on, then."

  He swats my ass as I turn towards the bathroom, and I swagger a bit to the sound 'a his chuckling behind me. I think we're startin' ta figure ourselves out, me an' my best friend, and I can't wait ta' see what happens next. Vickie gave me freedom last night - I get that now. I'm gonna use that gift, then me an' Austin are gonna bring her home, together.

  Victoria

  I know the days are supposed to be getting longer, but today feels like it's dragging its feet towards a drawn-out death. Tabitha, great planner that she is, decided we should spend the whole New Year's Day at her house. I'm all for spending time with family, but she started off with pancakes at eight this morning, and now we're playing cards at seven in the evening after eating a full-course, pot roast dinner. The woman is eight and a half months pregnant, but she has no idea how to slow down.

  I have to admit, I envy her a bit, even as she was telling me I was peeling the carrots wrong. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I'd been more like Tabi. She chose a husband and kids over a career. Sure, you can have all three, but it's hard. I respect but don't necessarily want to be someone who tries to have it all.

  I chose a career I enjoy and a lifestyle that doesn't exactly fit in with a husband, two-point-five kids and a dog. I like working with my friends and being Brandon's Accounts Manager. I like dealing with numbers and going after unpaid invoices. I like the club and its lifestyle. I love Saul and Austin.

  Saul and Austin.

  Damn, I hope they're back at Brandon's estate working themselves out. When I called Saul back last night, I could hardly make out what he was saying through his sobs. I realized right then that I had to lift some of the weight off both our shoulders so we could take some steps forward without continuing to sink into the mud beneath our feet.

  Letting Saul go was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. We each need to get ourselves back on stable ground without repeatedly pulling one another back into the muck we've stirred up and let stagnate over the years. I hope he'll eventually understand why I've done this to us. I hope he uses the opportunity to stop letting Austin run from everything, and I hope they both still love me in the end.

  “Gin!” Joseph's voice crashes into my thoughts as he slaps his cards down on the table.

  Jerry hoots with a laugh as Tabi grumbles, showing her nearly completed hand. “I swear, you better not be passing him cards under the table again, Daddy.”

  Daddy gives his best innocent smile. “You know I only did that because he was the youngest and you play a mean game of Gin Rummy.”

  “C'mon, Tabi,” Joey grins wide, boastfully rubbing it in. “Don't be a sorry sport.”

  “Six games in row doesn't make me sorry,” she narrows her eyes. “It makes me suspicious.” Her dark brown glare turns on me. “Especially since the card-shark here hasn't won a single hand tonight.”

  “I'm not as good as I used to be,” I shrug.

  “Uh-hu,” Tabi keeps that glare on me.

  Jerry gets up and kisses Tabi's brow. “I'm gonna go check on our baby girl to make sure Joey's winning streak aint woke her up.”

  Joey snorts. “That girl could sleep through the four horsemen playing polo in the back yard.”

  “Takes after my Queen Tabi,” Jerry laughs then ducks past Tabitha's hand as it attempts to slap his arm.

  “Keep it up while I'm too bloated to retaliate,” she calls after him. “You think women don't know how to remember payback owed?”

  “Like elephants,” Joseph mumbles then winces as Tabi kicks him under the table.

  “I'm pregnant, not deaf.”

  Daddy chuckles into his coffee mug next to me. Despite my thoughts being elsewhere, I'm glad I'm sitting here next to him. It's good to see him happy, and I know that's part of the reason I've considered moving down here. I tell myself it was a shallow threat to get Saul's feet moving, but when I'm here with my dad, it doesn't seem quite so shallow anymore.

  “You alright, princess?” he whispers to me as Tabi and Joey continue to spar with words.

  “Just a bit tired,” I lie and he knows it, so I amend my statement with a touch more truth. “A lot on my mind.”

  “Whenever you're ready to talk,” he leaves the rest unfinished, smiling instead.

  I've never had to worry about my daddy not listening when I needed him to. From the moment my momma and I showed up on his church's doorstep looking for shelter, he's always listened to every single word. I'm just afraid that this time, my words might hurt him.

  “Excuse me,” Joseph stands from the table as his cellphone rings from his back pocket.

  “Joesph,” Tabi warns. “This is family night. You tell your girlfriend you're busy.”

  “Right,” Joseph hesitates on the word, giving me a glance before he exits the room to answer.

  “Girlfriend?” Daddy perks up. “Joseph got himself a girl?”

  “He won't say,” Tabi crosses her arms as Jerry reenters the room.

  “Let the boy have his business,” Jerry playfully scoffs. “Remember when we was his age? All hushed phone conversations and sitting on Elijah's porch with quiet laughs.”

  “I remember,” Daddy answers first. “Tabi was tickled when you came by or called, and embarrassed when I tried to pry.”

  “And I was afraid,” Jerry admits. “Good woman, beautiful, and daughter to a great man – shoot, what could a boy like me offer?”

  “A warm heart,” Tabitha responds in a rare moment of unguarded affection.

  “You treat my Tabitha right,” Daddy adds. “I saw it the moment I met you – that you'd be the right boy for my girl.”

  “Thank you, sir,” Jerry bows his head respectfully as he smiles. “Maybe Joey done found himself a beautiful soul like my Queen Tabi.”

  “One can pray,” Daddy replies.

  I try not to frown on Joesph's behalf, but he needs to set this family straight about him, well, not being straight. “That's what matters, right? That the person is a beautiful soul; a good person who Joey loves and who loves Joey back.”

  “Amen, princess,” Daddy squeezes my hand.

  “It's what matters,” Joey's voice has all our eyes raising to the doorway where he's standing, a bit pale looking but smiling. His worried eyes turn to me first. “Alex just got accepted to an internship in Minnesota.”

  “Minnesota?” Tabi blinks.

  �
��Alex?” Jerry asks at the same time. “That this pretty girl you're hiding from us?”

  “Not exactly,” Joesph takes a few shaky steps towards the table before collapsing into the chair next to me. “Alex is short for Alexander.”

  “Oh,” Jerry laughs. “Shoot, here we were speculating you done found yourself a girl. This Alex a friend of yours from college?”

  “Uh, yeah. He called to let me know so we can make some plans.” His hand grips mine under the table so tight it hurts, but I don't pull away. I said I'd be there, and that's exactly how it's gonna be. I think Joey realizes he can't hide this anymore.

  “Plans?” Daddy asks, peering past me with his good eye aimed at Joey. “You... Are you thinking about moving up north with your friend?”

  “Minnesota?!” Tabi asks again, louder with an added high-pitched uplift at the end that makes my ears ring.

  “I'm sorry, Pops,” Joey lowers his eyes, but I dig my thumbnail into his hand. I don't want to see that shame in his eyes. He has nothing to be ashamed of. “I've wanted to tell you for a while, but...”

  He pauses, takes in a long, deep breath as he eyes all of us around the table before stopping and meeting Daddy's worried expression. “Alex is... He and I... I'm in love with him, Pops.”

  “Lord have mercy!” Tabitha gasps so big I wonder if her water broke.

  “Son,” Daddy pauses, his eyes watering through three, long breaths. “Are you trying to tell this old man that you... Are you gay?”

  Joey shuts his eyes, holds onto my hands for dear life, then meets our father's gaze head on. “I am.”

  “Well, uh,” Jerry doesn't seem quite sure how to respond, but he's also trying to hold Tabitha back as she's praying to Jesus under her breath.

  Tabi goes quiet as Daddy stands up slowly from his chair, his knees fighting him for a few wobbly moments. Daddy looks like he's about to leave the room, and it puts a hollow feeling in my stomach. I can only imagine the hurt Joey must be dealing with.

  Daddy takes a step towards the door behind Joseph then stops. With his hand gripping the back of my chair, he pivots then opens his free arm. “Come here, boy.”