If You Still Want Me

by C. E. Kilgore

  Lord, I know I don't pray often enough to ask for any favors, but please, let my family accept the family I'm trying to build with Saul and Austin. Help them understand the love we have. Help me to do right by those boys and be honest with my father. Please, give me the strength to reach out and hold onto the dream I have for our future.

  Amen.

  “Rise and shine, and give God your glory, glory!” Daddy's voice bursts into my room with an old gospel hymn the next morning.

  It's outta tune, but it makes me smile all the same. With a stretch into the covers, I peek out at him. “Mornin', Daddy.”

  “Good morning, princess! We gonna have a baby be born today, God willing! Now, let's get up and make that nice doctor some ham and eggs!”

  “Yes, sir,” I groggily reply as he starts singing again to go wake up Joseph. I'm glad to see Daddy still has that kind of energy in his aging body. Part of me wishes that energy had waited another hour, though. Snuggling back down into the pillow, I close my eyes for a few precious seconds more.

  “You up, Tori?”

  I blink away the sleep as Joseph glances into the bedroom. “I'm gettin' there."

  He chuckles. "I'll get some coffee on for you and Pops, though I don't think he needs it this morning."

  We both pause and listen to Daddy singing from the kitchen, then laugh together. "Alright. I'll be in the kitchen soon as I have a shower."

  "Good idea. Gotta make yourself pretty for Doctor Calvin," Joey teases before fleeing the room as I toss a pillow in his general direction.

  Damn. I'd nearly forgotten about the doctor paying a visit this morning. If I'm lucky, he'll get called into the hospital so I can have a talk with Daddy this morning. Or, perhaps I should wait until Tabitha has her baby.

  No. Quit trying to find a reason to stall. Doctor, baby, or the apocalypse, I'm going to be straight with my father by sunset.

  The shower does my body good, but only coffee has the power to get my brain going in the morning. True to his word, Joey has a freshly-brewed pot and a mug waiting for me. The mug reads 'Coffee and the truth shall set you free!'. I give Joey's grin the stink-eye as I fill the mug up and inhale the aroma.

  He shrugs at me all innocent like, reminding me of Saul, then sets about whisking eggs while Daddy brings in the newspaper from the front porch. "Gonna be a cold morning," he announces. "Some frost on the porch steps, and that one board's come loose again."

  "I'll take a hammer to it after breakfast, Pops," Joey replies cheerily. I think coming out last night has uplifted his spirit, and his smile seems brighter this morning. I guess my mug is right.

  "Thanks, son." Daddy eases down into a chair set at the smaller table that's in the kitchen's breakfast-nook. "Will just be us and the good doctor this morning. Ruth is already at the hospital. She brought Jerry some breakfast and is gonna stay with him until we get there - help him look after Tessa. That boy don't want to leave Tabitha's side for a second."

  "He's a good man," Joey comments as he heats up the griddle.

  "That he is," Daddy agrees then kisses my cheek as I set down a mug of coffee for him. "Thanks, princess. That Doctor Calvin, he's a good man too," Daddy winks.

  "Daddy..." It's too damn early.

  "Finished his internship early and is already on his way to head up the maternity ward," Daddy continues. "He runs a prenatal care support group at the church, too, for women who can't afford regular doctor visits."

  I make a noise of feigned interest then go hide my head in the fridge, looking for the bacon. I'm sure Calvin is a wonderful man, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not Saul. Or Austin. Damn, I really need to just say it.

  The doorbell rings. I sigh into the meat drawer. These interruptions are starting to feel ominous.

  Breakfast with the good doctor is more enjoyable than I'd expected. Calvin actually is a pleasant man with young ambition, a good head on his shoulders, a handsome smile and enough humility to make him boyishly sweet instead of the arrogant prat I was hoping for. I'm sure, in some alternate universe, he and I might have a good time on a date, but in this reality, the poor man doesn't stand a chance.

  My heart is taken and I need to put an end to Daddy's meddling before this boy's heart is hurt. The coy glances and hopeful smiles Calvin keeps giving me between bites of partly-burnt toast tells me I need to say something sooner than later. As Calvin begins to leave, I offer to walk him out, much to his appreciation.

  "Thanks for breakfast, Miss Harris."

  "Victoria is fine," I remind him to forget his manners around me for the third time since eggs hit his plate.

  "Victoria," he says with a wider smile.

  Uh-oh. Maybe I should've let him stick to Miss Harris. I'm so out of practice when it comes to flirting. Was that considered flirting? Did I just flirt with the man I'm trying to let down easy?

  Fuck. I miss my whip.

  "So," he says slowly, his breath a puff of white in the brisk air. "I get off at six tonight. I know you'll be busy with your family at the hospital, but there's this nice Italian place around the corner..."

  No more stalling. "I'm sorry, Calvin. I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression. You're a wonderful man, but I'm taken."

  He blinks at me for a second, his smile twitching, then nods. "I see. Reverend Harris didn't mention that."

  "It's... complicated. I'm complicated, Calvin."

  "You're a woman," he chuckles. "I don't think I've ever met a simple woman in my whole life. You're also beautiful and intelligent, but I respect that you're taken."

  My cheeks heat from the compliments. "Thank you."

  "Now, what if I were to invite you to dinner anyway? As a friend, and you can bring Joey or whomever you want along."

  "I'd like that."

  "Well, alright then." He holds out his hand, his smile returning. "Always good to make a new friend."

  "Agreed." I return the warm smile and take his hand. He shakes it softly then takes a step forward. The loose board beneath him creaks and tilts, taking away his balance. I catch him, and we laugh as I try to right him back on his feet.

  "You really are a beautiful, strong woman, Victoria. I do hope the man who's taken your heart can see that."

  Caught in the moment and trapped by the honest admission in his eyes, I find my spirit seeking that same honesty from my heart. "They can."

  "They?"

  "Yes, Calvin. They. I... I'm in a polyamorous relationship."

  "Oh."

  I wait for the disgust or the judgment, but instead he lets out a quiet chuckle. "Well, damn. I guess I really don't have a chance then, do I?"

  Relief rushes through me. If a stranger can be okay with it... "Two against one is always unfair odds."

  His hands squeeze my arms as he shakes his head, the smile still on his lips. "You weren't kidding about complicated."

  "Not one bit."

  "I take it the good Reverend doesn't know?"

  "Not yet," I sigh, finding comfort in my new friend's embrace. "But I've promised myself to tell him by tonight. It's time the truth came out."

  "The truth will set you free," he muses before we share friendly laughter.

  "Amen, Doc."

  Austin

  Waking up is hard to do this morning, despite my brain turning on automatically at seven to go feed horses that are a six hour drive away. I'm nestled into the downy comforter, but I swear it's really a cloud in Heaven with the way Saul's back is tucked up against my chest. I can hear him breathing as his chest rises and falls gently under my hand, my palm pressed against his heart. Yeah, if this aint Heaven, then I aint interested in going there when I die.

  We made love last night. Real love. I feel a bit stupid this morning, and not just because I'm drunk on Saul-lovin', even though that's some seriously potent shit.

  I feel like a dumb-ass because I think me and him could'a had this sooner. I was stupid to think he should love me exactly like he loves Victoria – that it was the only way he could love me
or that the way he does love me is any less meaningful. I saw it, not just heard it in his words, but really saw the deep love he has for me.

  He still needs Victoria, though. Maybe that ought to make me jealous, but it doesn't. Not even a little. I respect what he has with Victoria, and I love Victoria, too. It's just a different kind of love. I think maybe this world needs all those different kinds of loves to keep spinning.

  Speaking of spinning, I think my blood-sugar is tanking. Damn. I got so hung-up on making sure Saul ate, that I don't recall eating much myself.

  That means I gotta get up. Double-damn. I don't want to leave Heaven just yet.

  Saul stirs in my grasp, his butt wiggling into my groin. Fuck. Well, that aint helping my dizziness one bit.

  “Saul,” I whisper with a kiss to his shoulder. He mutters an incoherent reply into the pillow, making me chuckle. “Sorry, darlin', but I need to grab a sugar tab.”

  Saul's suddenly wide awake, sitting up and turning around in one whooshing motion that makes me dizzier just watching him. “Yer sugar? Fuck, you not eat properly last night? You know that doc said ta' watch yer eatin'.”

  He continues the worried tirade as he tosses back the covers and stumbles his long, lanky legs across the room to my suitcase. It gives me a nice view of his naked ass, but even that doesn't do much to focus my vision. Guess maybe the not eating right combined with the incredible sex to give my brain a good dose of the bends.

  “I'm okay, darlin', just a little dizzy.” I know I'm trying to reassure him and keep myself calm at the same time.

  “That's how it starts,” he grumbles at me over his shoulder with a glare. “You gotta be careful, else you end up on them shots an' other shit. Or in the hospital...”

  After digging around in my suitcase, he tosses a bottle of chewable glucose tabs onto the bed before stumbling his way back over. I take one as he flops back into bed beside me. Chewing and swallowing the bitter tab, I kiss his cheek. “Thanks.”

  He kisses me back, but continues to give me the stern-eyed glare. “Yeah, well, someone's gotta watch yer ass so you don't end up in a coma.”

  My head shakes in a soft sigh, but I'm smiling because his worried anger lets me feel his love. “It's not that bad. My Nana's been getting the same dizzy spells for sixty years, and she's never been in no coma.”

  “Diabetes aint no joke,” he pouts.

  “I know,” I give in, because that pouting expression is adorable. Pulling him into my arms, I squeeze him while rubbing my cheek against his. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

  His head tilts, our lips meet, and I find myself still amazed that this is happening – that he and I can sit together in bed so casually, kissing as if we've been lovers for years and not hours. The casual, slow kiss leads me to ease him onto his back, my dizziness forgotten. It wasn't the only thing I woke up with this morning.

  Feeling the hard heat against my leg, it seems Saul's also got a case of the morning wood that I'm more than happy to lend him a hand with. He squirms into the sheets as my fingers wrap around his thick cock. Damn, this boy is hung.

  Having Saul's big dick in my mouth is exactly what I need to get rid of this awful glucose aftertaste. As I inch down his chest with kisses, I hear him mumble a halfhearted protest about how I should be eating breakfast. Hovering my lips above his dick, I raise both eyebrows at him. He stiffens in anticipation then melts into the sheets as I take him into my mouth.

  Sweet, salty and all Saul. Plus, those piercings are mighty fun to play with. I tease one with my tongue and he arches back with a hissed curse.

  “Austin,” his plea catches my attention as his hands reach out for me. “Together.”

  That word and his smile are everything to me. “Together,” I smile back as I crawl up his body, aligning our cocks with a hard rub.

  “Mmfuck, yeah,” he exhales, then drizzles lube into his hand.

  Using both hands, he holds our dicks together while I thrust between his palms. The slick friction has us both grunting, and those damn piercings of his are rolling across my shaft. They have me amping up the pace, angling to hit them just right as his hands hold onto us.

  “Fuck, Austin,” his whimpering is music – glorious, heart-pounding music that sings of lust, love and friendship all within one single note.

  “Te amo, Saúl,” I groan before capturing our music between our lips with a heavy kiss as we come in hot spurts, together.

  Panting to catch our breath back, we smile at one another as I hover over him. His green eyes are alight with joy – joy that I put there, and that makes everything right in my world. I'm content. For the first time in maybe forever, I'm at peace.

  “Dang, cowboy,” he grins while wiping a bead of sweat from my cheek with his knuckle. “I think I could get used ta' our mornin' rides. Hot damn. Wait till Vickie joins us. Don't think the three 'a us will ever get outta bed.”

  “I'm due for a vacation, anyway,” I wink then steal a quick kiss before standing. I look over his chest, sticky and coated in the essence of our love-making, and damn, it's a pride-inducing sight. “C'mon. The shower calls.”

  “Yes, sir!” He jumps out of bed to follow after me, but I pause in the doorway to let him go first so I can slap his ass.

  The shower is a subdued affair, actual washing mixed with heated glances and snuck kisses. I'm tempted more than once to drag him back to bed and make love to him again, but we've got to get a move on. Part of me is afraid to leave the hotel room, though; afraid to go back out into the real world and leave Heaven behind.

  That fear is heightened a bit as we're getting dressed and I catch Saul staring at my chest for the third time that morning. Fisting my shirt, I have to ask the question that's souring my stomach. “Do they bother you?”

  He blinks away from staring, then his brow skews in confusion. “They? Er... Oh, yer tats?”

  “My prison tats,” I emphasize, the words dripping with insecurity.

  “No,” he answers quickly then huffs. Coming up from behind, those long arms of his wrap around me and I'm instantly put at ease. “Not one bit, amigo. They tells yer story – pieces an' parts 'a what made you, you; what made you the man I done fell so hard in love with.”

  His soft lips caress my shoulder. “This one here is my favorite, though I don't know what it says.”

  I glance at the place he kissed, where a dove flies free in front of iron bars with roughly-lettered Spanish scrawled under it inside a ribbon. “It says, 'You can cage the man, but not the soul'.”

  His smile blooms and he kisses it again. “See, that's beautiful. Should be proud 'a that.”

  For the first time, I think maybe I am.

  We finish packing and take time to clean up the room, but I leave an extra tip on the nightstand for the housekeeper. My Nana was a housekeeper for forty years, and the stories she told me have earned a respect for the shit they deal with, usually for pennies on the dollar. Saul catches me sneaking another ten under the first one, and he smiles because he knows why.

  "Ready ta' hit the road and wrangle us up some breakfast?"

  Putting my Stetson on, I nod. "Figure we'd stop at that McDonalds we passed near the interstate, then we'll call Victoria once we're done eating."

  His smile twitches a bit as he grabs his suitcase and heads out the door. "Maybe you should do the talkin'. I aint rightly sure what ta' say."

  Letting the heavy door close shut, I pause with him in the hallway. "Thought we agreed to do this together."

  His shoulders rise a bit along with his chin as he considers it. "Yer right. We did. We are." His free hand takes mine, lacing our fingers together. "Together."

  I glance down at our hands, not used to the feeling and not quite sure what emotion it causes. I know I'm happy he's holding my hand, but there's fear in there, too. Apprehension. Uncertainty?

  A door closes behind us and two little boys run past, one barely a toddler but doing his best to keep up with the older one. They grin as they pass me and Saul,
paying no mind to our hands, but suddenly that's all I can think about. I feel my fingers betray our love and loosen their grip.

  "Jacob! No runnin', I said!" A woman's voice calls after the boys in a hushed yell before she walks past in a rush. "Sorry," she blushes at as then dashes to grab the toddler as he tries to pull fake flowers out of a decorative vase. "Jamie, no! Oh, baby, please don't cry, but you can't keep the flowers. Jacob, come here and help with the bags, please."

  "Yes, ma'am," the older boy sighs but complies.

  Saul's choking back a chuckle. "Cute kids," he whispers to me.

  I nod with a grin, but it dies as the father walks past, his eyes darting to our joined hands. His upper lip raises just a smidgen, but it's enough for me to know he don't approve. It lasts only a second, but the real offense comes when he quickly gets between us and his boys, making sure to block their view, as if our holding hands is going to magically turn one of his boys gay.

  Saul's grip tightens, then he's tugging me down the hall, swinging our joined hands between us. This is something I'm gonna have to get used to - Saul's carefree, 'suck it' attitude when it comes to public displays of affection, even between two men. It's not that I'm ashamed to be gay or to hold Saul's hand, but I am afraid. I'm afraid, because I've seen the consequences first hand when you kiss a man in front of the wrong person.

  We leave the family behind and checkout. Saul doesn't let go of my hand until we're getting into Victoria's SUV. Once where on the road, he takes my hand back and kisses the knuckles.

  "That dad was just an ass," Saul comments before giving me my hand back to drive.

  "No, just ignorant," I counter. People are people, ignorant or not, and you can't hate them for hating you.

  Saul goes quiet for a moment, then sighs. "It bother you? Holdin' my hand in public, I mean, because-"

  "No," I start then exhale a tight breath. "A little, but it's got nothing to do with you. I'm not ashamed of you, or of us, I'm just..."

  "Afraid?"

  The word makes me stiffen, but I'm glad I'm that obvious. "Yeah, man. I'm afraid. World's changing everyday, but-"