If You Still Want Me

by C. E. Kilgore

  "Your dad was an ass, too," he says, eyes staring straight forward. "You told me he beat the shit outta you, but I just assumed it was 'cause he was a fucked-up piece 'a shit like mine. Guess he found out you were gay?"

  "Yeah, by walking in on me kissing Rodrigo Gutierrez. I was sixteen. He called me a cocksucker, knocked a tooth out then damn near killed Rod. Put the boy in the hospital for a week."

  "Jesus. That when yer mom took you an' Annabelle ta' Nana's?"

  "Yeah. Papi," I cringe at that word, remembering his gray eyes that were so much like mine. "He left for Mexico to avoid charges and never came back. Rod's parents didn't press charges anyway. They took him out of the hospital then stuck him in a program to cure him of the Devil that made him kiss me. They found him hung by his own belt two months in."

  "Shit, I'm sorry ta' hear that. Guess that's when you started gettin' into trouble," Saul nods to himself. "All startin' ta' make more sense now that I know yer gay."

  I find his hand again on the middle console. "I'm sorry for keeping it from you for so long. After what happened with Rod, I even tried to deny I was gay. Then I met Brandon that night, and everything changed. Prison was hard, but it was good, too."

  Saul kisses the back of my hand with a smile. "Brandon said he was glad he got beat up that night, on account 'a being able ta' met you."

  "Brandon is one of the best things to ever happen to me," I answer honestly, feeling the truth of that answer deep in my gut. "He saw to it I got into the best prison with programs for turn-arounds, and somehow made sure I wasn't messed with while I was there."

  I bring his hand across so I can kiss it. "Then another amazing thing happened. Brandon offered me a job and a place to stay, and with all that, I got to meet you. I know, for as long as I live, I'll never be able to repay back all I owe to that man."

  "You an' me both, amigo," Saul's fingers squeeze mine. "And I get why you didn't tell me right off. It hurt, at first, 'cause yer my best friend, but I get it now. I'm just happy you and me finally figured ourselves out."

  "Me, too. And, I'll try my damnedest not to let my fear hold us back anymore. I promise."

  Saul

  Hot damn, I aint felt this good in months. The past week's been hell, but things are finally lookin' up for my sorry ass. I thought my world was endin' two nights ago in Brandon's barn. I'd done lost my sister's respect while fallin' off a wagon I'd worked so damn hard to get on in the first place. I'd beat up one friend while tellin' another to ride a train ta' Hell, then I'd screwed things up so bad with my best friend, I'd thought for sure I'd lost him, too.

  Then Vickie called me back, and that nearly had me reachin' for a rope. Luckily, I have too much respect for Brandon to go hangin' myself in his barn, especially on account 'a his twin brother dyin' in a barn fire. Just wouldn't be right, not that killin' yerself is exactly kosher.

  Now, even with me and Vickie being wrapped up in uncertainty, I got more than enough ta' live for sitting right next to me. I reach over and grab Austin's hand again, a fool's grin spread across my face. Yes, sir, I aint been this happy in a while.

  Still gotta sort things out with Vickie - gotta figure out how ta' make this work, and I gotta apologize for being so stupid. I'm nervous about it, no doubt 'bout that, but I believe Austin when he says it'll work out. I gotta hold onto that idea, that hope, and try to be a man who's worthy 'a being loved by two incredible people.

  Austin hands me the bag as we pull outta the McDonald's drive-thru line, and I reach in for his McGriddle first. Tearing it in half, I hand one half over in a napkin then wrap the other half back up so he can eat it in an hour. He'd eat the whole thing right now if I let him, but it, plus the orange juice sittin' in the cup-holder, would have his sugar even more jacked than it already is this mornin'.

  Stubborn man made damn sure I ate last night only ta' completely ignore himself.

  As I stick the other half back in the bag, it dawns on me how we don't even gotta talk about it - things like his sugar regulation. It's become part 'a our routine and relationship, like the way an old married couple can finish each other's sentences. That thought makes me blush into my hash brown as I glance his way.

  "What're you giggling for?" he asks, my own grin sparkin' his.

  "Numphim," I reply with my mouth full, earning me a pinch to the knee. "Ow! Sumbitch! You pinch like a damn crawdad."

  "Swallow, then talk."

  "Yes, sir," I bat my eyelashes.

  "Keep that up and I'll be forced to pull over."

  That has me blushin' again. Damn, this is so awesome! "I aint never done it on the side 'a the road before."

  "Maybe we can convince Victoria after we finish kidnapping her. Wouldn't be right, us having fun in her SUV without her."

  My head's immediately filled with all kinds 'a visuals that have me quiverin' in my seat. It also brings up somethin' I've been wanting ta' talk to him about. "You really alright with the idea 'a us three havin' sex together? You know, at the same time?"

  He goes quiet for a minute as he finishes a bite then sips his orange juice. I catch myself staring at his Adam’s apple as it bobs with each swallow.

  "I am," he answers, drawin' my attention to his lips. "I expect it'll be a bit awkward at first, but I think it could be pretty damn hot, too."

  My gaze darts up to his eyes as his lips smirk. The sexually charged attraction between us has me about ready ta' beg him ta pull over and jump into the back seat. "You think so? Even though Vickie's a girl?"

  "She's beautiful," he shrugs. "A woman's body doesn't turn me on the same way a man's-" he pauses to laugh as I grumble. "The same way your body does," he corrects, "but I can appreciate Victoria's sexuality. Plus, you'll be right there, between us, and watching Victoria make you squirm is something I'm looking forward to."

  The last bite of hash brown chokes my throat and has me reachin' for my chocolate milk. After clearing the block, I try not ta' overheat. It's kinda a serious conversation we need ta' have, and I'm tryin' ta' be grown-up about it.

  "It probably will be a touch awkward the first time," I agree, having seen my fair share of those moments between threesomes, and more, at the club. "If it ever becomes uncomfortable, you gotta promise you'll say somethin' ta' me or Vickie."

  He nods. "I promise. Same goes for you."

  "I know. Also, it don't always gotta be three. It can be two, an' I know sometimes that can spur jealousy, but-"

  "I'm not jealous of what you and Victoria have, Saul. I was envious of it, because I wanted you and I didn't think I could ever be part of that. I promise to respect your relationship with her."

  "But-"

  "But, if it ever does become a problem, I promise I'll talk to you first before running."

  I exhale, finally hearing the words I was lookin' for. "Okay. Thanks."

  He reaches over, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together. It puts me right at ease again, and when he glances over, I can feel the truth of his words. "I love you, Saul, and I promise that no matter what, I'll always be your friend."

  "Best friend," I correct with a bratty grin.

  "Best friend," he amends with a chuckle.

  "Good. 'Cause, I love you, too."

  We go quiet again as the road passes beneath us, mile markers going uncounted and my hand reluctantly letting his go. Green highway signs blur by my vision, a softly playing country song fillin' in the gap between us. Times like these, when me an' him don't gotta say nothin' at all an' are happy to just be next to each other, have always been some 'a my favorite moments these past two years.

  My soul feels right. Peaceful. I get the notion that everything is gonna be okay.

  There's only one other person in the whole world who gives me that same feeling, but as we pull up to her father's house to see her in the arms of another man, I think the only thing I'm feelin' is broken.

  "Mierda," Austin curses as he puts the SUV in park. "Saul, don't-"

  But I do it anyway. I fly outta that SUV
so fast, I don't even feel my feet touchin' the ground. Austin's fingers graze my arm, but they can't hold onto me. I don't think I can hold onto me right now, either.

  Vickie's eyes go wide, then squint, like she can't believe what she's seein'. I don't rightly believe what I'm seein', either. We tried callin' her from the road, but I guess now I know why she didn't pick up. She was too busy bein' felt up by Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome.

  I'm 'bout to give Mr. Tall a black eye ta' go with his clean-cut dress shirt an' slacks ensemble. "Fuckin' son-of-a-bitch."

  "Saul?" she gasps as it all becomes reality then steps between me an' the man I'm 'bout ta' kill. "Saul, stop!"

  I side step her, arm cocked back and aimed at the man whose own eyes have gone wide in confusion, then a force pulls me backwards. With a deep inhale, I recognize Austin's aftershave. The scent shudders through me, and the anger turns into a sob as my heart is wrenched from my chest.

  "Why?!" It's all I wanna know.

  "Calm down," Austin whispers into my ear as he holds me an' forces me to take a few steps away from the porch steps.

  The screen door slams open an' Joey's racin' past Vickie ta help Austin hold me back, not that I got much fight left in me. I can barely make out Joey's face through my tears, but I cling to him all the same as Austin continues to hold me from behind. Joey's tryin' ta' tell me somethin', but my whole world done gone upside down.

  "Why?" is all I can manage.

  "What in God's creation is going on out here?" Elijah asks as he joins the party on the porch.

  Ah, shit. Now Vickie's dad can see what a sorry mess I am. Great. Fuckin' figures. He's prob'ly happy his girl done found her a better man.

  "Saul?" he asks, soundin' as confused as I am right now. "What're you doin' here, son?"

  Snifflin' hard back on the tears, I try an' stand on my own two feet. "I came ta' get yer daughter back, but I see that aint happenin'. Sir," I finish, my eyes to the ground.

  "Get her back?"

  "Daddy, I can explain," Vickie's voice is closer, but I can't raise my eyes to look at her.

  "No need," I mutter. All the fights been wrung outta me. She's better off with Mr. Tall, anyhow. Any fool can see that. Even me. "Sorry for the commotion, Reverend Harris, sir."

  I take a step back. Vickie's hand grasps my arm. It stings my heart and I shrink away from her touch.

  "I wanna go home, Austin," I mumble, seeking the shelter of his arms.

  "Not yet," he holds tight but won't let me run. "Victoria, we should talk."

  "We should," she agrees then talks over he shoulder. "Dr. Knight, thanks for having breakfast with us, and we'll see you at the hospital later. Tell Tabi she's not to have that baby until we get there."

  Doctor? Baby? Ah, hell...

  "Yes, ma'am," Mr. Tall, er, Dr. Knight replies. I glance up and he's lookin' at me with concern. "Sorry for any misunderstanding. I did ask Victoria for a date, but she said she was already taken."

  "She was," I say meekly, my eyes finally meeting hers. "But she broke up with me two days ago."

  "What?" Elijah and Joey both say at the same time.

  "Mercy," Victoria huffs, her eyes to the sky. "What a damn mess. Alright, everyone inside so we can talk without the whole neighborhood watching."

  Victoria

  Mercy. I've done it this time. My heart is still recovering from the shock of seeing my SUV pull into the driveway and the sound Saul made as he asked why. I've only heard him cry like that once before, and I swore to God I'd protect him from ever making a sound like that again - like his entire soul was dying.

  I swore to God, and then I went and hurt Saul myself.

  I thought I was doing all the right things; trying to get Saul and Austin together. I thought it was the only way... But, now I know I was just being a damn coward.

  As everyone sits down in the living room, my eyes fall on my dad. I'd been stalling. I'd been deceitful. I let my fear come between me and what was right. I'd stopped reaching.

  "I'm sorry," I start first then glance to Saul. His eyes are on the floor but his hand is holding onto Austin's for dear life. Austin meets my gaze head on, and I can tell right away those two have found their way. "I've made such a mess of things."

  "I don't understand," Daddy says. "You broke up with Saul? Is this because of what I said? Of those fake date set-ups? God forgive me, I was just trying to push you, princess, and maybe push Saul into finally asking you to marry him, not tear you two apart."

  Damn. That's something else I haven't told him.

  "I did," Saul sniffles. "I asked her to marry my sorry ass, but she done turned me down." His body stiffens. "Sorry for my language, Reverend."

  "That's alright, son," Daddy reaches over and pats Saul's knee. "So, you did ask? After I gave you permission, I kept hoping, and praying..."

  That's news to me. "You asked him for permission?"

  "'Course I did, Vickie," his green eyes flick up to me then back to his feet. "It's only right I should make sure yer dad thought I was good enough for his daughter. He said yes, surprisin' the hel..ck outta me, an' I asked you the next day 'fore he could come to his senses."

  Daddy looks up at me, even more confused. "And you said no? I thought you wanted to be with him."

  "I do." My heart stammers under his stare. I can see he's a bit hurt, like Austin and Saul. My fear has hurt so many people. "I love him. I-" I kneel down in front of Saul, trying to find his eyes through his mess of blonde hair. "I love you, Saul. I just thought I was doing the right thing for you, and for Austin."

  "Austin?" Daddy asks and I cringe slightly.

  "Sir," Austin reaches behind Saul's stooped back and he shakes hands with Daddy. "Wish we could meet under different circumstances. I'm..."

  But he doesn't take that next step. Uncertainty floats through his expression as he looks back at me. With a deep inhale, I step up to the edge and prepare to jump.

  "He's my boyfriend," Saul replies first, knocking the wind out of me. "I love him, Reverend, as much as I love yer daughter. I know it's complicated, but I love them both."

  "And I love them both," Austin adds.

  Daddy blinks with his mouth hung slightly open as Joey clears his throat at me. Both my boys are being so much braver than me. I have so much to make up for with them. "And I love them both, Daddy."

  Daddy's mouth shuts, then opens, then shuts again as he scratches his head. I can see him thinking things over. He always thinks before he speaks, and it gives me hope that he can accept this.

  He looks from Austin to Saul then to me. "Then why'd you break up with him?"

  I place my hand on top of where Saul's hand is laced together with Austin's. "I thought it could be the push they needed to find each other."

  "And it was," Austin puts his other hand on top of mine and squeezes. "Thank you. But, I couldn't leave you and Saul unsorted, so I made the decision to drive down here. We tried to call, but-"

  "My dang phone is on silence," I sigh. "Been that way since we were stuck at the hospital last night."

  Saul's eyes meet mine. "Tabi?"

  "Yeah. She's having her baby. It's a bit early, but-"

  "Probably my fault," Joey sighs then half smiles at Saul's curious glance. "I finally came out to Pops last night."

  "Oh," Saul's eyes go wide as they look towards Daddy.

  "Yeah," Joey scratches the back of his neck. "Queen Tabi didn't take the news too well, then her water broke."

  "That wasn't your doing," Daddy says. "Babies just come when they're ready." His eyes glance back to Saul and Austin. "I don't... That is..." He sighs. "I'm an old man from a different time, but I'm also a man who worships a loving God. I can't judge you nor my own son without there being stones cast in my direction."

  My breath hitches. Could it possibly be that easy? Could this man, whom I respect beyond words and emotions, be so loving he'll accept me? Accept us?

  "Daddy-" My words are cut off by the phone ringing from its charger on the table next t
o Daddy's chair.

  He reaches for it, glances at the caller ID then answers. "Mornin' Ruthy. ... Oh? ... Is- ... Calm down, sweetie, we'll be there soon. ... Love you, too."

  He hangs up and starts to stand, with both Joey and Saul hurrying to help him. "We gotta get to the hospital. Something's wrong with the baby, and they're taking Tabitha into an emergency C-section."

  "I'll drive," Austin offers.

  Daddy nods in appreciation, but his eyes are ghosted with worry as we pile into my SUV. He's quiet the whole way as I hold his hand, but I know he's praying hard inside. Without argument, he lets Austin drop us all off at the front and even lets Joey coax him into a wheelchair so we can rush up to the maternity ward. His independence is part of his pride, but nothing, especially not pride, ever gets between him and his children.

  "Ruth Anne?" Daddy calls down the corridor as we wheel him towards the waiting room. Ruth is in the hallway, pacing up a storm with two strollers parked a few feet away.

  "Oh, thank you, Jesus," she hiccups, and I can see her desire to run towards us, but her feet stay firmly planted near the strollers. Jonah starts to cry a bit, so I speed up to help Ruth with him. Tessa is fast asleep despite all the racket.

  "Michael couldn't get off work," Ruth says as she picks up Jonah from the stroller and anchors him to one hip. "Everything was fine - me and Jerry playing with the babies and letting Tabitha get some sleep, then there was all these alarms and doctors and nurses runnin' and... Lord in Heaven, Jerry knew it was Tabi. Few minutes later they rushed back by with Tabi on a gurney."

  Joey offers to take Jonah much to Ruth's tired relief. "She in surgery now?"

  "She is. Haven't seen Jerry or heard any updates yet. I... I didn't want to bother the doctors and... Saul?"

  "Hey, Ruthy," Saul smiles then takes Ruth's offered embrace. "Good to see you."

  "You too, sugar," Ruth squeezes him hard like she always does while giving me a curious glance over his shoulder. That reminds me that I'll have to have a talk with her, and eventually Tabitha, once the water calms. Adding to this, Austin trots up as Ruth relinquishes her hold on Saul.