Black Hart

by L. J. Swartz

  "I have to leave on business for a few days, but uh when I get back I'm bringing Helen. I want you to meet her." I nod as I put a fry in my mouth. "Sounds good dad. What business?" He takes a swig of his soda. "Well as you know I take care of accounts for Glenn Corp. They are trying to merge with Ware Corp so I have to go there and see if it's a go." I raise my eye brows. I have no fucking clue what he's talking about. All I know is he makes good money handling the money for some big company. He chuckles. "Just know it's a big deal, and I need to make sure it happens." I nod then pick up my drink. "So Helen? What's she like? Is she going to hate me since I'm the reason you never had kids with her?" He shakes his head giving me a look. "Hell no I made it clear in the beginning if she wanted kids, I wasn't the guy for her. She loves kids but never wanted any herself. Plus by the time we met it was pushing it for her to get pregnant anyway." I don't know shit about that kind of thing. I never really considered having any kids of my own. Then again I never pictured myself settling down with anyone after losing Gretchen. Carmen is young. That may be a conversation we need to have. I don't know what she wants in life, but I'm pretty sure I'll give her whatever she wants. Marriage, kids, house, fence, mini van, whatever she wants. I smile to myself then pick up the last of my burger jamming it into my mouth. I look up as I chew my bite. Dad points at me. "You seem different. Happier every time I see you." I nod then take a swig of my drink. "I am. Carmen has been pushing me to go to therapy and honestly it's not so bad. She goes with me. It's nice to talk about my past and she gets to weigh in so I know how she feels. She's even dealt with some issues herself." He nods as he sits back with a smile on his face. "So proud of you son." I swallow hard. I've never had anyone, well my mom, tell me they were proud of me. I nod then look to the table. "Dalton. Your mom tried. She's not a total monster." I nod then meet his gaze. "So Helen?" He smiles letting me change the subject. "She is incredible. She'll love you. She has always wanted a tattoo even more so now that she saw mine." I smile. "That would be cool. We can do that." He looks over his shoulder. Jen sees him. He motions her over. She steps up to our table smiling. I found out through Carmen, her and Smith hit it off. I'm really happy for her. She needs a good man. Not that I feel like I'm not anymore, but what I feel for Carmen is what makes me better. I would have destroyed Jen. "Can we get the check sweetheart?" He looks to me catching me signaling her to give it to me. He laughs then looks back to her. "I want the check. I've waited all these years to be able to treat my son to something." She smiles then pats my shoulder. "He wins, Dalton. Sorry." I shake my head as I smile at her. "I'll remember that." She winks at me then walks off. I keep my smile in place as I look to Dad. "Thanks." He nods then picks up his drink finishing down the last bit. Jen comes back with the check handing it to him. He hands her a $50 telling her to keep it. She winks at him then waves at me before walking away. Dad stands. "Ok kid I'll see you in a week or so..." I stand and hug him quickly. "Sounds good dad." He nods the turns and heads for the door. I follow him out. He stops on the sidewalk next to his car. "Uh Dalton I'm going to talk to Helen about moving here. I think she'll love this place. Is that really ok with you?" I nod unable to actually tell him I want him here. I'm still not super good with expressing my emotions. I'm getting better, but I save all that mushy crap for Carmen. He nods then walks around his car and gets in. I wave as he pulls from the curb. He taps the horn once as he pulls away. I look across the street as Carmen steps up to the cross walk. She gets a huge smile on her face when she sees me and waves. I wave then look both ways as she steps off the curb. She jogs across the road to me. I open my arms as she steps to me wrapping her arms around my neck saying, "Hey babe." My life is finally not a complete shit pile. I hope nothing bad happens. Something bad always happens.

  "Dalton phone call." Sunny calls out. I walk over to the desk. I was just cleaning up after my last client left. It was this super hot college girl. She offered me a tip in the bathroom. I turned her down without even a sting of regret. No other woman compares to Carmen. It's official I'm a whipped ass pussy like I swore I'd never be. I take the phone from her hand. "Dalton Hartwell." I can hear someone breathing then a sniffle. "Uh hello." A throat clear. "Uh Dalton this is Helen Wells. Uh god hunny I don't know how to tell you this, but Kevin had a heart attack. They don't know if he's...." She bursts into tears. My own eyes start to water. I blink them quickly. "Uh where is he?" She sniffles loudly. "I'm sorry. Uh he's here. He had just gotten home from his trip and he just collapsed. I called 911 right away. He was talking when they took him away. I don't.... I have to get to the hospital. Look hunny he told me you have troubles with traveling, but I really think if you can get here, you should." I nod a couple times. I have not been in a car for years. Carmen never says anything about it either. She drives but if we go somewhere together, we walk. "Thank you for the call Helen." I give her my cell number and tell her to keep me posted. I get the info for the hospital he's at then hang up. I hand the phone to Sunny who has wide eyes. "I'm so sorry Dalton." I nod then turn pulling my phone out. I dial Carmen. "Hey babe what's up?" I clear my throat. "Uh what are you doing?" I hear her move around a bit then sigh. "Uh getting ready for work." She got a job as a receptionist at a art gallery about 40 minutes away. I don't like the commute, but she loves the job so much, I couldn't say anything about it. "Babe can you um call off or talk to them about getting a few days off like tomorrow through the weekend?" I here her stop what she's doing. "Dalton what's wrong?" She sounds really concerned. I am too. I shake my head. I'm not sure I can say the words. I don't know what happens. I burst into tears. The man I hated all my life, come to find, is not the asshole I thought. We just found each other and now I may lose him for good. "I'm coming there babe. See ya a minute." She tells me frantically then hangs up. I slide my phone into my pocket then book it the break room. Dave is there. "Dalton?" He stands walking to me. "Dad had a heart attack." I blurt then cry harder. I'm such a pussy anymore, but damn it. It's my dad. I can't lose him already. "Fuck me. Is he?" I shrug then swipe under my eyes as anger is starting to take over he sadness. "I need to go man. I just don't know if I can." He nods as he rests his hand on my shoulder. "Have you told Carmen?" I shake my head no. "I just called and started bawling like a baby. She's on her way." As soon as I say the words I hear the front door slam off the wall as Carmen's voice fills the shop. "Where the hell is he?" I hear Sunny tell her I went this way. I turn and step from the break room. She wraps her arms around me crashing her body to mine. I pull her close. "Dalton what happened?" I turn my face into her hair. "Dad had a heart attack." She gasps then slides her hands into my hair holding me close. "I need to go." I whisper. She steps back looking into my eyes. "Can you?" She asks hesitantly. I shrug. "I gotta try babe." She nods. "I called work already and told them an emergency came up. They're gonna work it out until Monday." I nod then press on her hips. "I need to talk to Steve." Dave steps up next to me. "Dude your gonna be fine. This is a big deal." I nod then smile weakly. "Ok let's do this so I can get to him." Dave pats my shoulder as Carmen slides her hand to my face. "We'll get ya through this." I nod then walk out around her to find Steve.

  I stand there staring at the handle. "Babe?" I look up meeting her gaze across the top of her car. "You sure you shouldn't take some sleeping pills or something?" I shrug. I thought I could do this sober. More so my therapist thought I SHOULD do this sober. After Helen called, and I talked with Steve, I called him asking if he could fit me in. I needed to know I was ready for this. That I wouldn't send myself backwards getting into a car. He felt I should have gotten back in a car a long time ago. I told him about my trip here. He said using drugs and alcohol to make it through doesn't count. Course it doesn't. I'm starting to wonder if he really knows what he's talking about. I take a deep breath and pull the handle. She stays where she is watching me. I look up again. She nods then gets in closing her door. I sit down then take a deep breath before reaching out and pulling the door shut. She looks to me. "Ready?" I nod then shake my head no. S
he turns the key in the ignition and puts it in reverse. I close my eyes as she backs us from the driveway. I keep my eyes closed for quite a while. Feeling the motion of the car is fine so far. I don't know what will happen if I open my eyes and see cars coming at me. She slides her hand to my thigh. I instinctively slap it away. My eyes shoot open. I look to her. The hurt on her face makes my heart sink. "I'm sorry babe. I was just in this zone and.... I'm sorry." I slide my hand to her leg. She glances at me then lays her hand over mine. Instantly I feel panicked that she only has one hand on the wheel, but her touch is also calming me. Do I tell her to take her hand from me for safety reasons and give up the comfort it brings me? I lay my head back against the head rest. People drive with one hand all the time. I need to calm the fuck down. I look out the windshield reminding myself this is normal. Normal people ride in cars all the time. Wrecks are rare and if it happens, it happens. It's beyond my control. I close my eyes again taking slow deep breaths. Carmen squeezes my hand. "You ok? We're only 20 minutes from home. I can turn around." I smile with my eyes closed. She is so amazing. "No babe I need to do this, but thank you." She squeezes my hand again. I let myself relax and even turn on some music to help. Music always relaxes me. Before I know it the car stops. I look to Carmen. She smiles. "I need to pee." I nod then flip my hand in hers bringing it to my lips kissing her finger tips. "You ok?" She asks searching my face hesitantly. "I am surprisingly." She smiles then opens her door and gets out. I open mine and take a deep breath. She meets me at the front of the car sliding her hand into mine as we walk toward the little restroom building. A man, a woman, and their three kids come from the building. The man nods at me as the woman gives us a disapproving look. I'm used to it. Not everyone accepts my appearance. There are still the tattoo haters out there. One little girl smiles at me. I wink at her. "Your skin is pretty." I smile telling her, "Thank you." The woman grabs her hand then nods at me mumbling, "Sorry." I shrug telling her, "No problem. I think it's awesome." She smiles then leads her daughter away. I step to the door holding it for Carmen. She smiles at me sweetly saying, "That was adorable." I wink at her then step in behind her. She disappears into the ladies room. I walk into the mens and do my business. I want to be done before her, so I'm waiting for her when she comes out. I know the chances of anything happening are slim, but I want to make sure I keep her safe always. I wash my hands then step out into the entrance way. There are three large men standing around bs'ing about their loads. Truck drivers. I smile and nod as they look to me. They each nod then continue their conversation. The ladies room door opens. Carmen steps out with a smile on her face. "Better?" I ask holding my man out to her. The men have stopped talking and are checking her out. One mumbles something about her being with a punk like me. He's right I am a punk, but I love her. She smiles up at me. I lead her to the door. "Hey hunny if you want to know what it's like to be with a real man instead of a freak I can help you out." One calls out. I shake my head and keep walking. I feel her jerk her hand from mine. I turn to see her walk right up to him getting her tiny self in his face. He's not real tall, so pushed to her toes, she's eye level with him. I start to walk over when I hear her hiss, "He is not a freak. He's beautiful. And the fact that he was willing to walk away and ignore your asinine comment proves who the real "man" is." She spins around grabbing my hand as she walks us from the rest stop. I bust up laughing as we walk to the car. She looks to me. She is not amused. I stop laughing immediately. "That guy was a fucking jerk." I tug on her hand pulling her to me as she is about to walk to her side. "Babe he's a truck driver. Who cares." She shrugs then presses her lips to mine. I slip my tongue into her mouth. I feel her relax as I move my mouth around hers. She slides her hands into my hair holding me to her. We kiss for a while before she takes her lips from mine. I smile as she releases me then walks over opening her door. I go to mine and without hesitation open it and get in. It's like removing a band aid. You just do it fast then it's over. She starts the car and gets us back on our way to my dad. I hope he's going to be ok. I need to see him with my own eyes. Helen called last night and told me he was stable, but still unresponsive. I slide my hand to her thigh. I at least want a chance to tell him I love him and thank him for finding me if this is it.

  I let out a deep breath. Carmen pulls into a spot marked "visitor" then puts the car in park. I just hung up with Helen. She told me to call her when we got to the hospital. She's going to meet us in the lobby to take me to dad. She sounds like a nice woman. I hope she isn't disappointed when she meets me. I know it's weird to think that, but I've never had a mom like figure weigh in really. My mom is crazy and always made we feel worthless. I think I may be more scared that Helen will like me. I slide my hand along the handle, but can't seem to pull it. I don't want to go in there and find out he's not going to make it. Carmen touches my thigh. "Babe are you ok?" I look to her shaking my head no. "I just got him back." I know I am letting her see how scared I am. She won't ever judge me. She doesn't see my tears as weakness. She sees it as strength to let yourself feel. I search her face. "I can't tell you he'll be ok. I wish I could, but babe at least if this is it. You know the truth and you had a few weeks with him to connect. That's better than never knowing how amazing of a man he really is." I nod letting her words sink in. She's right. If he hadn't found me, I would have never known I came from a good man. Not the loser I let my mother convince me he is. "We better go. I don't want to keep Helen waiting." I squeeze her hand once then open the door getting out. She gets out and walks to me. I hold my arm out to her pulling her into my side as she steps next to me. We walk through the lobby doors. A dark haired woman is standing there waiting. I have to assume it's Helen when her eyes tear up as soon as she lays eyes on me. Carmen steps aside giving me a smile as she walks to me throwing her arms around my neck. "God you look just like him." She whispers over my shoulder. I hold her close not saying anything. She steps back searching my face. I feel a bit self conscious, but just let her do her thing. She touches my face. "Thank you for coming." I nod then take my arms from around her. She steps back looking to Carmen. "Hello. I'm Helen." She holds her hand out. Carmen takes it saying, "Carmen." They smile at each other. "So how is he?" I ask needing to know I'm not too late. She looks to me smiling weakly. "No change which is not good or bad." I nod then hold my hand out to Carmen. She slides hers into mine making the unease that was rising go back down. "Lead the way." Helen nods then turns and walks over to a set of elevators to the right. We wait for it then get in. She hits the 8. The doors close. I shift from foot to foot. I can't believe I'm here. The doors open. There is a large nurses desk in front of us. "Mrs. Wells. How are you?" The nurse asks. Helen shrugs then slides her hand to my arm saying, "Better now that Kevin's son, Dalton, is here." The nurse looks to me. She gets a smirk on her face. She's younger, probably about my age. It's been a while, but I still recognize come fuck me eyes when they're focused on me. I pull Carmen up next to me wrapping my arm around her. She smiles up at me knowing damn well what I'm doing. She presses her hand to my chest. Helen leads us down the hall to where there are patient rooms lining each side of the hall. She stops outside room 6711. I instantly feel like karma is trying to bit me in the ass. I lost Gretchen on June 7 of 2011. I shake my head and huff as Helen looks to me. "Uh there is a nurse here let me see if she's gonna be done soon." She takes her hand from my arm and walks into the room. I can see her and a nurse moving around, but the bed is just out of view. Carmen grips my shirt in her hand getting my attention. I look to her. She smiles weakly. "You hanging in there?" I nod. "I just want to see him." She slides her hand to my face and stands on her toes pressing her lips to mine. I feel the need to kiss her more but keep it short considering where we are. I don't know how long we stand there, but it feels like an eternity by the time the nurse leaves then Helen motions us in. I walk through the door locking in on his face as soon as it comes into view. He looks pale but other than that no worse for the wear. I walk over next to him resting my hand on his arm. I hear o
ne of them sniffle. I don't look to see who it is. I need to say my piece without losing it. "Hey dad. They say you need to wake up man. I need you to know I'm so glad you came and found me. I love you, and I'm sorry I let her keep us apart." Both of them are sniffling now. I smile a bit. I don't feel like crying which makes me feel good, strong. I'm getting better at handling my emotions. They make me feel less crazy when I allow them to happen instead of pushing them aside. I take his hand in mine giving it a squeeze. His fingers flex slightly. I look to Helen. She sees the look on my face then runs from the room. I look to Carmen. "His hand moved." She steps up next to me wiping her eyes then wraps her arms around my arm. I squeeze his hand again. This time he squeezes back. Not hard but enough to know I wasn't just seeing things the last time. "Oh my god Dalton. You're waking him up." I look to her then back to his face. "Dad can you hear me?" His eyes flutter. I smile at Carmen. She pats my arm saying, "Talk more babe." I clam up. What the hell do I say now? "Uh....I rode in the car here. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Carmen held my hand. Oh and she stood up to some smart assed trucker at the rest stop. You should have seen her. It only made me love her more." I chuckle then just keep talking as if he was awake. "I did a tattoo last week for a woman who lost her son to war. I try really hard to stay unemotional when it's something like that, but he was 19. 19 years old and he gave his life to save like 5 other dudes. I can't even imagine what he felt like knowing he was going to die, but in return save fathers for their kids and husbands for their wives. I love my job ya know. I get to give people something to help them move on." I look down at my wrist. Helen flies in the room with a nurse behind her. "What happened exactly?" I look to the nurse. "Uh his fingers flexed then he actually squeezed my hand and his eyes fluttered while you were gone." Carmen holds her hand up. "Dalton was talking to him and his eyes were moving behind is eye lids." I smile at her. I didn't see that but I was looking down at his hand in mine. "Those are great signs." The nurse tells us then moves around to the other side of the bed listening to his heart beat. She looks up at me. "Keep it up. He's responding to you." I nod then reach back grabbing a chair behind me. I sit down then pull Carmen to my lap without letting Dad's hand go. "So yeah. Uh what else? Carmen got this great job at an art gallery. She's amazing at it. I hate that she drives 40 minutes there and back, but I'm getting better about it." She chuckles shaking her head back and forth. Helen chuckles getting my attention. "You two seem so happy. I can't believe you've only been together a short time." I wink at Carmen. She sighs then looks to Helen. "You know I knew the second he came around the corner....." She clears her throat and looks away. I rub her back. She looks to me. "You knew what baby?" I ask needing her to say the words. I need to know she felt our instant connection too. "I knew you were it." She tells me with strength. I smile searching her face. "I knew to." She gets a shocked look on her face. I knew she would be. I was so harsh with her that day. I take my hand from dads sliding it to her face. Helen steps up taking dads other hand in hers. "I thought you were the most gorgeous woman I had ever laid eyes on. I pushed you away because I wanted you so much." Tears spring to her eyes as she places her hand over mine on her face. "I didn't know." I nod. "Yeah well I was a bit of a dick to you. Not good with emotions remember?" She chuckles then presses her lips to mine for a quick kiss then we both look to dad. I wish he would open his eyes. I take his hand again. "Hey dad you wanna wake up and weigh in on this?" His eyes move like Carmen told the nurse but that's the only sign he's with us. I look to Helen. She nods then reaches out touching his face. "Kevin he's better than you described." She smiles at me. I smile at her. I wish he'd just wake up.