Something New

by Sean Ashcroft

  Chapter Seventeen

  Declan took a deep breath as he got his keys out, his stomach in knots as he unlocked the door to the bookstore.

  The normally quiet bell above it seemed deafening in the silence of the store and the apartment above. If he’d been hoping to sneak in, there was no chance of doing that now.

  Not that he’d really wanted to. He didn’t want to end up avoiding Ash.

  He had nowhere he could go to avoid him. They lived together now. They were married.

  This was definitely the kind of thing he had to talk about, like an adult.

  The light in the stairwell flicked on, the creaky third step warning Declan that Ash was coming down to meet him.

  It might have been the light, but Ash looked exhausted.

  A lump formed in Declan’s throat.

  “I have pizza. It's the biggest pizza I’ve ever seen. I figured you’d be hungry by now,” Declan said, desperate to stop his voice from shaking.

  He couldn’t just forget what he’d been running away from. He didn’t even want to.

  It was just hard to know what to say. He wasn’t even sure what outcome he wanted right now.

  All he was sure of was that he’d wanted to come home, and that meant dealing with this.

  “No olives?” Ash asked, his voice small. He suddenly seemed tiny.

  And a lot less scary than Declan had made him out to be in his head. Ash was still his best friend of the past decade. This was new, but… they could handle it.

  Somehow. Declan had no idea where to start.

  “No olives,” he confirmed.

  “I guess you can come in, then,” Ash said. “Is that garlic bread?”

  Declan smiled to himself. He knew what Ash liked. “I figured I needed a way to get back into your good books, so yeah.”

  “You can definitely come in.” Ash turned to head up the stairs, leaving Declan to catch up with him.

  He felt a little as though he was always catching up. To Ash, to his own feelings, to whatever was going on here.

  He still didn’t know. He didn’t know anything, not for sure.

  But he needed to be honest about that. He hated to admit that he had no idea what was going on, but for the sake of his friendship with Ash, he had to.

  Ash flicked on the light in the kitchen as Declan approached, closing over the lid of his laptop on the kitchen table.

  Declan was used to finding Ash working in the dark, oblivious to the passage of time.

  “I was starting a spreadsheet,” Ash said. “Of what we still have in storage. I guess I need one for what’s already on the shelves, too. I want this to succeed.”

  Declan swallowed, the lump in his throat back with a vengeance. “So do I. And I already know I couldn’t do it without you.”

  “I wasn’t saying that.” Ash wet his lips. “I was just saying… I’m not packing up and leaving, or anything. If you were afraid I would.”

  Declan looked down at his feet, sighing. Of course Ash was still looking out for him. Despite Declan jerking him around.

  That was what Ash did.

  “I owe you an apology,” Declan said.

  “I didn’t stop you,” Ash said, tapping his fingers on the edge of the table. He had nervous written all over him. “You don’t need to apologize.”

  That was fair. Declan’s stomach was still tied up in knots, though he felt better just being near Ash.

  Which was probably part of what he had to say next.

  “Yeah, I do,” he said. “For jerking you around. For running away after. I was just… I don’t know. Surprised, I guess?”

  “Declan, it’s okay,” Ash said.

  Declan shook his head. “No, it’s not. It’s not even a little okay. Whatever's going on in my head right now, I can’t take that out on you. I’d like you to forgive me, but I don’t want you to pretend I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I’ve already forgiven you.” Ash took a step toward Declan, leaving just a handful of inches between them.

  Declan’s heart pounded in his chest. That felt like trust. Trust he maybe didn’t deserve, but he was willing to take whatever was on offer right now.

  “Well… good,” Declan murmured. He’d been planning on begging and pleading, so hearing that Ash wasn’t mad—that he was already over it—had taken the wind out of his sails.

  “What is going on in your head?” Ash asked. “You can tell me. You’re my best friend.”

  Declan took a deep breath. He knew he had to explain himself, but he had no idea where to start.

  “Can we do this over food?” he asked. “I need to start at the beginning.”

  Ash’s stomach growled, making him blush all the way to his hairline. “Apparently we can,” he said, pulling out a chair to sit down at the table.

  Declan opened the pizza box, passing the garlic bread over to Ash.

  “Beer?” he asked, figuring they could probably both use one by now.

  “I’m not gonna say no. It’s been a long day.”

  “I’m sorry,” Declan said, grabbing two bottles from the fridge. Owen, the owner of the grocery store, had given him six as a welcome gift when Declan had told him he wanted to buy his coffee through the store instead of direct from the supplier.

  He’d been doing it to save himself freight costs that would have wiped out his profits, since he wasn’t going through a whole lot of coffee and it only stayed fresh for so long, but Owen had seemed happy.

  This town was a nice place. He didn’t want to lose it, either.

  Ash was still more important, but the whole package was something he would have liked to hang onto.

  “You’ve already apologized,” Ash said. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. I’m just saying… I’m looking forward to pizza and beer with my best friend.”

  Declan passed a bottle of beer over to Ash and sat down opposite him, some of the weight lifting off his shoulders. They were going to do this like adults.

  The only hard part now was figuring out what to say.

  “This is good pizza,” Ash said between bites, his appetite apparently not affected by the events of the day.

  Declan picked out a slice and took a bite as well, needing a moment to compose his thoughts.

  It was good pizza.

  “You said you wanted to start at the beginning,” Ash prompted.

  “Right, yeah.” Declan took a deep breath, twisting the cap off his beer. “I guess… I guess the beginning is that when we first came here, I felt… I dunno, kinda weird? About seeing all the gay couples just… holding hands in the street.”

  Ash raised an eyebrow, which was about the response Declan was expecting.

  “Yeah, I know, I thought I was being a jerk, too,” Declan said. “But then I saw you hugging Charlie, and that was weird, too.”

  “You’re digging a hole for yourself,” Ash pointed out.

  Declan knew that. He knew the way he’d approached this was dumb as hell, but he could only tell Ash what had happened. There was no point in trying to make himself look better.

  “I know, but… my point is, I wasn’t mad, or being a dick, or anything. I think. I mean, I think, maybe…”

  Ash licked his lips, apparently waiting for Declan to start making some sense.

  “What if I it’s weird to see because it’s what I want?” He blurted out.

  Ash stared at him.

  Declan’s head spun, blood rushing in his ears so loudly it was deafening.

  He hadn’t even had that thought until now. It’d just all come together at once, understanding dawning over him like daybreak.

  Wow. Was that what was going on?

  It… would have explained a lot. Especially the part where he’d wanted to kiss Ash so badly he couldn’t imagine living without it, just for long enough to actually do it.

  Entirely straight men probably didn’t do that.

  “Is that stupid?” Declan asked, still waiting for a response other than silence from Ash.


  Ash closed his mouth with a click. “Not stupid,” he said after a pause. “Processing.”

  Declan opened his mouth to ask what processing meant, and then realized that Ash was asking for time to think. He shoved his slice of pizza in it instead, listening to his own heart pounding in his chest while he waited for Ash to say something.

  “You sound unsure,” Ash said eventually.

  “I am unsure,” Declan agreed.

  He wasn’t sure about anything right now, but especially not this. The only thing he was sure of was…

  “The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to lose you over it.”

  “You won’t,” Ash said around a mouthful of pizza. “Not over this. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to question.”

  “Can I do that?” Declan asked. “Not, like… commit, but be… questioning, I guess?”

  “Yes,” Ash said firmly. “Definitely. That’s totally normal.”

  That sounded like a good thing. Totally normal was better than Declan had expected.

  “Yeah?”

  “That’s what the Q in LGBTQ is for. Queer, or questioning. And I mean… you know how critical thinking works. It’s always good to ask yourself if the things you believe are really true. And I’m here for you while you figure things out.”

  Declan smiled at that. Everything Ash had just said took a weight off his mind.

  This was okay. Normal, even. Ash didn’t think he was an idiot, or a liar.

  “I know, man. Thanks.” Declan grabbed another slice of pizza, sitting back and letting his tense shoulders relax for the first time in hours.

  “Just maybe give a guy a little warning before you jump on him next time,” Ash said between mouthfuls of garlic bread, pushing the loaf over to Declan. “You have to try this.”

  “Next time?” Declan asked, the tiniest spark of curiosity going off in his mind.

  And other places.

  Ash shrugged. “I don’t mean to presume. I’m… open, though. To helping you figure some things out. There’s nothing wrong with a friendly hand job, right?”

  Declan laughed, but he could feel himself blushing, as well. He hadn’t really thought of this as a sex thing, but…

  It kinda was, wasn’t it?

  And if anyone was safe to experiment with, Ash was.

  “Right,” Declan said, looking anywhere but at Ash. There was a big difference between realizing he was maybe attracted to his best friend and being offered sex by his best friend.

  Declan wasn’t really used to being offered sex at all. It had always been a mutual, spur of the moment kind of thing.

  He wasn’t entirely sure what to do in this situation.

  “No pressure,” Ash said. “And I won’t be offended if you decide it’s not your thing. I just want you to know that I want to help. I want you to be happy.”

  Declan sipped his beer. All he could think of right now was how stupid he’d been to worry that Ash would judge him harshly for this.

  Of course he wouldn’t. Ash was the best person he knew. That was why they were friends.

  “I don’t deserve you,” Declan said, tearing off a piece of garlic bread, since it would have been rude to refuse.

  And because it did smell good.

  “Well, you’re stuck with me anyway,” Ash said, grabbing another slice of pizza. “I’m proud of you.”

  Declan looked up at that, meeting Ash’s eyes.

  Proud? Ash was proud of him?

  “For being brave enough to question your assumptions. It’s a big deal. You should be proud, too.”

  Declan licked his lips, considering that. He didn’t feel brave. He felt like an idiot.

  But he sure liked hearing that Ash thought he was brave.

  “Thanks,” Declan said, focusing on his beer instead of Ash’s face.

  He’d made a few mistakes lately, but it was all working out okay.

  He wasn’t even slightly ready to think about Ash’s offer, not yet, but maybe he would be once he slept on it.

  Either way, it was good to know that his world wasn’t about to come crumbling down around him. That was all he wanted right now.

  That, and his half of the pizza.

  “I need time,” Declan said. “I don’t know how much, or what exactly I’m gonna do with it, but… not tonight?”

  “That was a general, open offer,” Ash responded. He was being almost frustratingly cool about this.

  Of course he was. He always was, always had been. Declan had just never been through anything that felt this dramatic before.

  Maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing.

  “I’m not saying no.” Declan shifted on his chair. He was negotiating experimental sex with his best friend.

  And he’d thought that moving to the middle of nowhere was going to be the strangest thing he did all year.

  “Kinda getting that,” Ash said, a tiny smile turning up the corners of his lips. “You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

  Declan blushed, his cheeks burning with the rush of blood. Ash never called him cute.

  It wasn’t a bad thing at all. If this was what being on the receiving end of romantic attention from Ash was like, maybe Declan could be into that. Very into it, even.

  “You’re not nervous?” Declan asked.

  Ash shrugged. “I’ve had sex with men before. You probably don’t have anything I haven’t seen.”

  “You say that now, but what if I’ve got two dicks or something?”

  Ash looked up at Declan. “Do you? Because I’m going to have to insist on seeing that.”

  Declan laughed, and as soon as he did, the tension he’d been carrying just flowed out of him. This was fine.

  He and Ash had never been in the habit of talking about sex before, but they could be. They’d gotten comfortable with a lot of things about each other. They could get comfortable with this, too.

  “I don’t, but I might have had. You don’t know.”

  “I think that’s the kind of thing you would’ve told me at some point,” Ash said. “I mean, what a conversation starter.”

  “I wouldn’t… start a conversation that way.” Declan wrinkled his nose.

  Ash would have. He absolutely would have started a conversation that way. The few times Declan had watched him approach a guy, he’d been very…

  Direct was probably the nice way to put it.

  Not that he would have done anything other than immediately walk away if the other guy looked uncomfortable, but still. He had a lot of confidence when it came to picking up men.

  Declan was glad that Ash was being a little gentler with him. He couldn’t have handled anything more intense than a casual offer with no pressure.

  Ash rolled his eyes and went back to his pizza, apparently not impressed that Declan wouldn’t have used his imaginary second dick as an opener.

  That was fine. They’d had the talk they needed to, and they knew where they stood, and Ash had agreed to give Declan time.

  Now he just had to work out what he wanted to do.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ash looked up as he heard the bell over the door chime, smiling when he saw Charlie coming through it. After the emotional rollercoaster he’d been on last night, he was glad to have the chance to talk to someone who wasn’t Declan.

  Not that he was mad at Declan, or anything like that. Just that he had a lot of feelings to unpack, and it was hard to do that with him hovering.

  Ash had sent him grocery shopping as kindly as he could in an attempt to clear his head, but Charlie was exactly what he needed. A distraction, something to give his mind a break for a few minutes.

  “Just the man I was coming to see!” Charlie enthused, grinning at him. “How’s things?”

  Ash wet his lips. “Things are good, I think. People seem to be happy to have their bookstore back.”

  “Of course they are. Especially with two charming owners,” Charlie said. “Which is why I’m here. Did you find any Discwor
ld novels while you were searching through Marv’s hoard? Scott’s never read one and I think that needs to be corrected immediately.”

  Ash blinked at Charlie. Didn’t he run the library?

  “I know what you’re going to say, but I want him to own it. I want him to have time to read it.”

  “I was actually going to say that’s practically grounds for divorce,” Ash said, happy with that explanation. “I vaguely remember seeing one, I think, but I don’t know where it is. If you wanna watch the store while I get it…?”

  “I don’t need it immediately. I’d just like to know whether or not you have it before Scott’s birthday, which is at the end of the month. You and Declan are totally invited by the way, I’ll have details closer to the time. I know twenty-five isn’t the most important milestone, but…”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Ash said. “Our social dance card is filling up fast, though. Apparently we’re going on a double date with the baker and the florist tomorrow night.”

  “Marcus and Lexi?” Charlie’s face lit up. “Lexi’s my cousin. You’ll love him. Marcus is great, too. I dated him for a while, but it was always Lexi he wanted. They’re so sweet together.”

  Ash blinked at Charlie for a second, marveling at the fact that he seemed to be connected to everyone in town.

  Of course, he was the librarian, and this was a small town. Ash had also learned that he had two brothers, and one of them ran the grocery store.

  It was just that kind of town.

  “Wow,” he said after a moment.

  “I’ve lived here my whole life,” Charlie said. “I know everyone.”

  “Yeah, I was just figuring that out. Meanwhile, I would have had trouble recognizing a regular customer back…”

  Ash trailed off. He wasn’t sure what to call the life he’d had before this.

  “Home?” Charlie offered.

  Ash shook his head. “It’s hard to think of it like that when I feel more at home here than I have anywhere else. Even if-”

  He shut his mouth with a click as he realized what he’d been about to say, realizing that if he confessed to his current dilemma over Declan, he’d also have to tell Charlie the whole truth.

  “Even if?” Charlie prompted, apparently curious.