Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  The crowd went silent. No oohs and ahhs for the idiot Pirate.

  “Is that true?” Tallulah choked out from under a table.

  “Yes,” Pirate Doug shouted triumphantly to his mate and then continued to overshare. “My first choice of a new dong size was a disastrous mistake. Couldn’t sit down without racking the shit out of myself. Delpenis was very kind to fix my miscalculation. I have a wonderful and loving brother.”

  “TMI, dude,” Delphinus said to his brother. “You should stop talking. Now.”

  “Right,” Pirate Doug said.

  Delphinus stared at me for a long moment. My instinct was to run into his strong arms and hold him tight. His eyes looked so dull and sad. He’d lost his sparkle.

  “It’s okay that you didn’t show up,” he said in a gentle voice that rolled over me like a warm ocean wave. “I don’t blame you. I’m no prize.”

  “I’m no prize,” I countered.

  “Yes, ye are a prize,” Upton bellowed from somewhere in the bushes. “And good news! The bean salad made it through the fire!”

  “I thought I smelled that horrible shite,” Pirate Doug muttered. “No one eat the bean salad. You’ll die from a fart attack or possibly a shart attack.”

  “Everyone shut your cakeholes,” I shouted. “You’re not helping.”

  The crowd thankfully stayed silent.

  “As I was saying,” I went on looking at the Genie who used to be my world. “I’m no prize, so I don’t blame you for running while you could.”

  “But I didn’t,” Delphinus insisted. “I was there.”

  Tears rolled down my cheeks. Had he spent so much time in the pokey that he’d rewritten history? Did he feel so badly about what he’d done, he’d turned it all around in his head?

  “It’s okay,” I whispered and gave him a small smile. “It’s the past and that’s where it should stay. I wish you the best, Delphinus. I really mean that.”

  “My best is only with you,” he said. “It always was.”

  “Can I say something here?” Pirate Doug asked with his hand raised high.

  “Will it include a description of my junk?” Del asked with a loud sigh.

  “Umm… no, but it can.”

  “NO,” everyone yelled from their hiding places.

  Pirate Doug laughed and began to impart his wisdom or lack thereof. “As I see it, this sounds like a whole lot of misunderstanding,” Pirate Doug said sounding logical for the first time in his life. “It’s apparent that both of you still have intense feelings for each other and have been pining away. Neither one of you is happy without the other. So, I say forget the past. Does it really matter who’s right and who’s wrong? Every single person here could die of a shart attack later tonight if they eat Upton’s bean salad. Life—even for immortals—is not guaranteed. If Tallulah had any sense in her head, she wouldn’t love someone like me—even though I have an outstanding bacon bazooka. So, what do you say? Maybe go on over to Petunia’s hut and play a little hide the salami and start living life again.”

  “You are so getting laid tonight,” Tallulah called out to her mate. “Some of that was actually poetic.”

  “The part about my bacon bazooka?” Pirate Doug asked, quite pleased with himself.

  “No, not that part,” she replied with a laugh.

  I glanced up at Delphinus. He was staring at me with so much love in his sad eyes that I nodded my head. His smile lit his face, but the light in his eyes was still dull. Something jerked in my stomach—a fear—an irrational fear.

  Maybe Pirate Overshare was right. The past was the past. The future could be what we made of it. Did it matter that Del thought I didn’t show up? Kind of. But with time and newly found trust maybe we could work through it. Or maybe it didn’t matter. Timing was everything.

  Maybe we’d had the timing wrong twenty-five years ago. Maybe now, the time was right.

  Holding out my hand to the Genie who had haunted my dreams for a quarter of a century, I smiled.

  “Come back to my hut. Let’s talk,” I said.

  “Is that code for getting into the bone zone?” Pirate Doug asked.

  Delphinus turned and punched his brother in the face. Pirate Doug went flying and then got up and laughed like a loon.

  “It is not code for anything,” Del told his brother. “It’s what I’ve dreamed of for twenty-five years. Just seeing Petunia’s smile is making all my dreams come true.”

  Delphinus was a charmer—but then again most Genies were.

  I prayed to every god I could think of that we could really give it a second try.

  10

  Delphinus

  Petunia’s very swanky hut was surprisingly clean. I’d recalled her being messy. But then I also recalled showing up to our mating… We were both nervous. I had a lot riding on this, but that was my secret. If she didn’t want to try again that was her choice. It would kill me—literally. But I would not let that factor into her decision.

  “If you want me to take the blame, I will,” I told her meaning every word. Maybe she’d swallowed too much seawater and didn’t remember correctly. I didn’t care. It was twenty-five years ago. If she loved me now that was fucking fantastic. “I’ll do anything.”

  Petunia sighed and seated herself on a chaise. She twisted her hair in her fingers. I could tell she was trying to figure out what to say. I was jealous of her slim fingers. I would have given almost anything to run my hands through her gorgeous orange curls.

  “Umm… I was about to say the same thing,” she said with a little giggle. “But I really did show up.”

  “So did I,” I told her, frustrated.

  Wait. This was going to get us nowhere. I was in this for the long game—no Super Bowl pun intended. Winning the short game didn’t matter at all. Petunia clearly believed what she was saying and so did I. It would hurt nothing to take the blame. Nothing. I loved the Mermaid in front of me with my entire heart and soul. Period.

  “You know what?” I asked, feeling a little strange about bending the truth, but if it made the present work, I would happily be the bad guy from the past. “You’re right. I got scared and I fucked up. Worst mistake of my life. I am so sorry.”

  “You are?” she asked, with a small smile pulling at her lips and a sparkle of desire in her eyes.

  “I am,” I said firmly. “I love you and I will until the day I die. I swear I would have chased you down if I hadn’t been stuck in a glass bottle for twenty-five years.”

  “Was it awful?” Petunia asked, cautiously approaching me and brushing my hair off my forehead.

  It felt so good, I could have died happy in this moment. The simple touch of her hand fed my soul.

  “It wasn’t great,” I said, with a chuckle.

  She went to remove her hand, but I grabbed her wrist and gently kept it where it was. Her touch was more necessary than oxygen right now.

  “You know what?” my Mermaid said, looking at me with desire and adoration. “It was me. I screwed up. I’m so sorry I didn’t show up. It was the absolute worst decision I’ve made in my life. I love you, Delphinus. You’re my star in the sky that I haven’t been able to see in many years. I’m truly sorry.”

  I was stunned. I didn’t know if she was telling the truth or doing what I’d just done. I was so confused trapped in her seductive web I couldn’t remember who didn’t show up.

  Wait. I did show up, but I was pretty damned sure she didn’t remember it that way. Clearly, we were both willing to take the blame for something neither of us believed we did so we could start over. Life. Was. Fucking. Great.

  “What do you say, we take my idiot brother’s advice and let the past be the past,” I suggested, unable to believe I was quoting the dumbass.

  Petunia giggled and settled her sexy self in my lap. “Hard to believe Pirate Doug said something that made sense… but yes. The past is the past, never to be repeated.”

  I pulled her close and breathed her in. Her scent was intoxicating. “Good wi
th me.”

  “What happened to the sparkle in your eyes—your Genie Star Fire Light?” she asked with concern, raising my chin and staring into my eyes.

  “Being stupid and losing you,” I told her. It was the truth. Of course, it was only part of the truth. “I’ve been miserable without you, Mermaid. Are you positive you’re ready to give us a second chance?”

  “Well, Genie,” she said with a raised brow and a lopsided grin that made my heart skip a beat. “I was thinking along the same lines. How do I know you won’t leave me again?”

  I could ask the same question, but I wouldn’t.

  “I can give you my word, but I don’t believe that will be enough,” I said. “I can grant you three wishes and I would be bound to you for the rest of time.”

  Petunia wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “I don’t want you to be with me unless you want to. This has to be by choice—not magic.”

  Shit. I sucked at this.

  “NO! I meant that I want to do that. I would love that. And it’s not all altruistic,” I added quickly. “It means that you’re bound to me too.”

  “It does?” she asked, pursing her lips in thought. “Sooooo, if I let you grant me three wishes, it’s kind of like a permanent no-going-back mating?”

  “YES!” I yelled joyfully, wanting to kiss her senseless, but needed her to be on the same page. “I can show my commitment to you and you can show your commitment to me. Forever.”

  She paused in thought and absently played with my hair. “Well, then you probably need to know I have a career and a family now.”

  “Here?” I asked with a slight wince. Her cousins were terrifying.

  “Yep,” she said with a wide grin. “I have my cousins and my pretend dad.”

  “Pretend dad?” I asked, raising my brow.

  Petunia nodded and laughed. “He doesn’t actually know I think of him as a dad, but his name is Upton and he’s a Pirate and a Sphinx. I adore him.”

  “I see,” I said, loving her delight. “And is this Upton the same Pirate-Sphinx who made the bean salad?”

  Petunia gagged. “Umm… yes. That stinky stuff could kill even an immortal. He’s a horrible cook, but he’s the best person ever. I promise. And as long as you’re good to me, he won’t send you to Davy Jones’ locker.”

  “Good to know,” I said with a grin. “Do you have a pretend mother too?”

  “I most certainly do,” she said, pressing her nose to mine. “Yolanda is due to arrive tomorrow. I’ve haven’t met her yet, but she knows all about me and already loves me.”

  “You’re very lovable,” I replied.

  Petunia looked me right in the eye with an expression of true surprise. “You really think so?”

  “I know so. I’ve loved you since the first second I saw you.”

  “Wanna know a secret?” she asked, laying her head on my shoulder and snuggling close.

  “Always.”

  “I’m starting to love myself too. I’m worth something,” she whispered.

  My heart lurched in sorrow. How could this wonderful person not know how amazing she was? Her outside shell was exquisite, but her insides were even lovelier. No matter. I would spend the rest of eternity making sure she was aware how necessary she was.

  “You’re worth everything to me,” I told her. “And if you want to live here with your murderous cousins and your new pretend parents, I’m in. I don’t exactly have a home at the moment anyway. Just got out of the bottle a few days ago.”

  “I seem to remember you talking about your mom,” she said.

  “Umm… I’d go back into the bottle before I’d live with my mom or gods forbid, my dad.”

  Petunia’s laugh went all through me and I needed her now more than ever.

  “You don’t want to live on Mount Olympus with your soused diaper-wearing daddy?” she asked with a gleam in her eyes.

  “Nope. And my mom is more of a nutbag than my dad.”

  “But she loves you?” she asked.

  “She does,” I admitted with a nod. I still couldn’t believe my mother had gone to Genie Headquarters and terrorized the elders. That was insanity personified, which was love according to my mom. “Eventually, you’ll meet her. She’ll love you as much as I do. I’m quite sure she’ll come up with some fucking awful nicknames for you. All in the name of love.”

  “I look forward to it,” Petunia said. “Oh, and just so you know, my pretend mom is a Yeti.”

  “For real?” I asked, impressed.

  “Yep and she loves cookies.”

  “As long as she loves you, I’ll love her,” I promised. “Ready for your wishes?”

  “Now?”

  “Yes, now. I want you bound to me for eternity and then I’d be delighted to get into your panties.”

  “I’m going commando,” my Mermaid replied with a delighted smile. “However, I’m good with the rest of it.”

  I almost passed out since all the blood in my head had traveled to my dick. Closing my eyes and picturing my mother deflated my erection immediately. I needed to be all here to grant my lover her wishes. I wondered what she would want… a mansion? Jewels? A Rolls Royce? She could have whatever her heart desired. I would gladly give her everything I had.

  “Your wishes?”

  Petunia’s adorable nose wrinkled in thought. “Okay, I have the first one!”

  I waited to hear what grand gift she wanted.

  “I wish for the light to come back to your eyes,” she said quietly.

  I was flabbergasted. Most wished for objects for themselves—not for others.

  “Umm… that will come eventually now that you’re back in my life,” I told her, resting my chin on the top of her head so she didn’t see the tears that had gathered in my eyes. “That one doesn’t count. You still have three.”

  “Well, then… I wish my cousins’ business to flourish and grow. The crazy hookers put all their money into it. I need to know they’ll always be okay.”

  “You call them hookers?” I asked shocked.

  She looked up and me and winked. “Yep. We can call each other hookers, but you can’t.”

  “Done. Next wish?”

  Lost in thought, my Mermaid wiggled around in my lap making it very hard to concentrate. My world-renown package was growing larger by the second. Thankfully, my gal didn’t seem to notice… or mind.

  “I want Yolanda and Upton to have a fabulous vacation. Let them pick the place,” she said, glancing up at me with joy on her face. “And I’d like it to be fully paid for and for as long as they’d like to go.”

  “That I can do,” I promised, wondering where a Yeti and a Pirate-Sphinx would choose. It didn’t matter. I would make it happen. “Third wish?”

  Petunia blushed and lowered her eyes. This one was going to be good…

  “Umm… I was thinking, you know… since we’re going to be bonded and all…”

  “Yes?” I asked, grinning even though I had no clue what she was going to request.

  “Maybewecouldmakethehutbiggerandhaveroomforababythatwecanstartworkingontonight,” she said in one breath.

  My joystick was now choking in my pants. I wanted to scream in triumph, but that would not have been cool.

  “Can you say that again with spaces in between the words?” I asked, teasing her. “Need to make sure I get your wish correct.”

  “You’re kind of a shit,” Petunia said, elbowing me in the gut.

  “Your point?”

  “No point. Just an observation,” she said with a giggle. “Maybe we could make the hut bigger and have a nursery for a baby that we can start working on tonight.”

  “Done. Done. Done,” I said snapping my fingers and making the hut six times the size it was only moments ago. I added five extra bedrooms and five extra baths. We were going to make many, many babies. I put in a playroom and an indoor kiddie pool next to the kitchen. With Petunia being a Mermaid and me being the son of the wasted God of Sea, our little ones would be swimmers from
day one.

  I also knew how fabulously violent my gal could be, so I put in a fire-retardant gym that also had a boxing ring. I wanted to have an area to kick my pappy’s ass when he came to visit. In the space of twenty-four hours, my life had become perfect.

  Only one thing could make it better.

  “Would it be okay if I kissed you?” I asked.

  “Yep, can I straddle you?” Petunia inquired.

  “Gods yes,” I ground out as she wrapped her legs around my waist and I saw stars. “Can I accidentally on purpose grab your boob?”

  “I’d be offended if you didn’t,” she purred and ran her tongue along my lips. “I was wondering if I could get up close and personal with your famous package?”

  I couldn’t even speak at this point. All I could do was nod. And I nodded—very enthusiastically.

  Petunia did as promised and it was the best day of my life so far. My Johnson was fucking ecstatic. Actually, I was pretty sure all my days now were going to be the best ever.

  “How about we take this to the bedroom?” she whispered in my ear, making my balls tighten painfully.

  “The bedroom or our bedroom?” I asked, nipping at her neck.

  “Our bedroom,” she cried out on a moan of pure pleasure.

  “Done. Done and done.”

  Best. Damned. Day. Of. My. Life.

  Ten times. Nuff said.

  11

  Petunia

  Walking was going to be a challenge today, but I didn’t care. My Genie was a freakin’ god in the sack—literally. Well, half-god. I had never been so happy and exhausted in my two hundred years. Of course, I didn’t look a day over thirty. Most immortals stopped aging at thirty. My gods, Delphinus was over two-thousand and looked fantastic.

  “Duuuuuuuude,” Tallulah said with a wink as she joined me on the shore. “Somebody got laid last night.”