Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  “Really?” I asked, unable to hide my grin. “Who?”

  “Well, I did,” Tallulah said with a laugh. “And I know you did. Pretty sure everyone within a fifty-mile radius knows that you did.”

  I could feel my blush travel from my chest and land squarely on my face. I didn’t care one little bit. Of course, I was going to ask Delphinus to soundproof our hut ASAP. I had plans to be very busy with my Genie. I didn’t need to scare off the human tourists with my happiness.

  “We’re mated,” I told my cousin. “I love him and he loves me.”

  Tallulah tackled me and kissed me all over my face. “I am so delighted! Will you stay here on the Mystical Isle?”

  “If that’s okay with you, yes,” I said hesitantly, realizing that maybe they wouldn’t want me here forever.

  “Wouldn’t have it any other way, hooker,” she said, her purple eyes sparkling with joy. “I’d kick your sorry orange tail if you ever tried to leave. And Doug seems very attached to his brother. It might do him good to be around family that isn’t freakin’ insane.”

  “Awesome and thank you. Today I’m going to find Charybdis and eliminate her. Delphinus is going with me. I need to wrap up everything from my past so I can move forward,” I said. “Avenging my parents will give me peace.”

  “And not a moment too soon,” Tallulah said, flopping back in the sand and letting the early morning sun warm her face. “Our phones have been ringing off the hook! We have reservations booked for the next ten years. Can you believe that shit?”

  “Wow,” I said, internally grinning from ear to ear. My Genie had granted two of my wishes so far. He was a sexy man of his word—emphasis on sexy. “I promise we’ll get Charybdis. My business reputation depends on it.”

  “Speaking of…” Tallulah said, sitting up and brushing the sand from her lavender jeweled bikini top. “Upton and I got up early today and changed up a few things with the business.”

  “You did?” I asked, confused. “Why?”

  “Well, after the loud performance last night—all night, we figured things were gonna change around here. So, we got a head start.”

  “Would you like to be more specific?”

  “Sure. Arsehole Assassinations compliments of Petunia the Sea Monster Slayer is now called… Arsehole Assassinations compliments of Petunia the Sea Monster Slayer and Delphinus the Genie with the BIG Weenie from the Super Bowl.”

  My mouth hung open in shock. “You did not,” I gasped out, trying not to laugh.

  Tallulah cackled and rolled around in the sand. “Nope, but I was tempted. Upton forbade me.”

  “So, did you really change the name?”

  “We did. Your company is now called, Arsehole Assassinations compliments of Petunia the Sea Monster Slayer and Delphinus the Slaughtering Son of the Sea God.”

  “Kind of long,” I pointed out.

  “Yep, it was a real bitch getting that to fit on a ballcap, but Upton made the words really tiny and it works,” she explained. “Speaking of… where is the Slaughtering Son of the Sea God?”

  “He’s fixing up the baby nurseries in our hut,” I told her with a wide smile.

  “You have something to tell me?” Tallulah inquired with a raised brow.

  “Not yet, but hopefully soon.”

  My cousin snapped her fingers and produced two pina coladas.

  “It’s a little early to start drinking,” I said, taking one from her outstretched hand.

  “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” she pointed out.

  “That it is,” I said, sipping on my drink and wondering how in the seashells I got so very lucky.

  “What in my pappy’s droopy diaper is that?” Pirate Doug bellowed in alarm, pointing out to sea.

  My cousins, their mates, the Pirates, Delphinus and I had gathered on the beach to make plans to nab Charybdis. Upton had even brought the leftover bean salad. Actually, it was the full bean salad since no one in their right mind would eat it. All was calm until what looked like a comet that had dropped to earth appeared about a mile out at sea and was approaching fast.

  “Shite,” Upton said, shielding his eyes. “It’s so glittery that me durned peepers might be singed.”

  Snapping her fingers, Tallulah produced sunglasses for all. They were necessary. I’d never seen anything so bright in my life.

  “Looks like a star,” Misty said, peering out at the incoming mystery.

  “Is it an enemy?” Pirate Doug demanded, warming up his hideous voice and getting ready to sing. “I can kill it. Everyone plug your ears.”

  “NO!” Delphinus yelled, removing his sunglasses and sighing dramatically. “It’s not an enemy. It’s my mother.”

  “Crap,” I said, looking down at my rumpled sarong and very aware that my hair was a mess. Delphinus and I had a quickie before the meeting. I didn’t mind my cousins knowing. But Delphinus’ mom? Shitshitshit. “I need to change.”

  “No time,” he said, pulling me close to his side. “My mother is a hot mess. Adara doesn’t notice anyone but herself.”

  “You sure?” I asked, still feeling weird.

  “Positive.”

  The sparkling star riding on a magic carpet smothered in precious jewels arrived seconds later. Delphinus was correct. There was no time to change. He said his mother loved him, but just in case she was awful to him, I wanted to be here to kick her ass. I knew that female Genies were violent, but I was no slouch in the ass-kicking department. Delphinus had been through enough. I was going to take care of him now.

  “I have your back,” I whispered.

  My Genie looked down at me and grinned. “And I have yours, beautiful. Always.”

  “Hello,” Adara called out as her magic carpet hovered over the shallows, shimmering brighter than the sea on a sunny day. “I’m looking for my Dazzling Cake Penguin. Has anyone seen him?”

  “What did she just call you?” I asked, choking back a laugh.

  “Don’t laugh,” he said, letting his head fall back onto his shoulders. “When she finds out about you, you too will have hideous nicknames.”

  “That’s mean,” I said, still trying not to laugh.

  “All in the name of love,” he reminded me and then raised his hand to wave to his nutty mom. “Hi, Mom. I’m right here.”

  “Oh, thank the gods, Dazzling Peach Bug.”

  “And I thought Pirate Slug was bad,” Pirate Doug muttered. “I’m glad your wank is large. That’s fucking emasculating, brother.”

  “Yep,” Delphinus agreed. “How did you find me here, Mother?”

  “I talked to your bum-tamping, crap-bender of a father,” she announced, checking her lipstick in a diamond-encrusted mirror. “I think I traumatized him. The hamster-banging, turd-chewing bone-camper was babbling nonsense when I left. However, his mate Wally is FABULOUS! She’s going to join my bridge group.”

  “Shite,” Pirate Doug muttered. “Wally’s my mum. That doesn’t bode well for me getting castrating nicknames.”

  “Not much my mother does bodes well,” Delphinus told his brother. “However, she means well.”

  I looked at my Genie as he stared at his mom and smiled. You could tell a lot about a man by the way he treated his mother. While Adara certainly seemed certifiable, it was clear that Delphinus loved her. That was enough for me. No matter what embarrassing name she called me, I would love her too.

  “Are you still dying, Lovely Mango Bee?” Adara demanded, squinting toward the shore.

  Even she had a hard time seeing with all that bling around her.

  Wait. What did she just say?

  “You’re dying?” I shouted, whacking Delphinus in the back of the head and sending him flying. “When were you going to mention that?”

  “I can explain,” he said.

  “Whoopsy,” Adara said with a delighted squeal. “And who might you be, lovely Mermaid?”

  Kicking Delphinus’ legs out from underneath him as he tried to get up, I then turned to his glittery mom. “I’m Pe
tunia. I’m your son’s mate. Apparently, he forgot to tell me he was dying,” I yelled as my fingers began to spark and shoot flames willy nilly. “Would you like to enlighten me?”

  “Ohhhhh, you’re a vicious one, Jolly Llama Pancake,” Adara said, clapping her hands together with glee. “You have my full permission kick Bashful Angel Cow’s tushy when he gets out of line.”

  Now I was confused. She was crazier than Poseidon. What the hell was she talking about?

  “Umm… let’s back up a bit,” I suggested.

  “Certainly, Exceptional Banana Strudel Kitty,” Adara said, pulling a Genie bottle out of her Chanel bag and placing it on her floating magic carpet. “Which part?”

  “The part about Delphinus dying?” I prompted her.

  “Delicious Coco Flamingo,” she called out to her son. “Look at your mother. NOW.”

  Delphinus warily got to his feet just in case I was going to take him out again. He shrugged his broad shoulders, walked to the water’s edge and stared at his mom.

  “Excellent,” she sang as she picked up the bottle and shook it violently. “I have a surprise for you, Yummy Gummy Bear and for your lovely vicious Mermaid, Precious Koala Butt.”

  “Surprises are not good,” I muttered as I walked to the water’s edge and joined the omitter that I’d mated with. “So, you’re dying? Might have been something you wanted to tell me.”

  “Would you not of mated with my Thrilling Lollypop Papaya if you’d known?” Adara inquired, narrowing her eyes at me dangerously.

  The crazy overly-Botoxed Genie didn’t scare me. The thought of losing the man I loved with my heart and soul did. With an enormous eye roll and a lifted middle finger aimed at Adara, I growled. “Of course, I would have, Lemony Sugar Monkey Balls. I love the jackhole. And your assumption was incredibly rude. I. Don’t. Like Rude. You feel me?”

  “You are FANTASTIC!” Adara squealed. “Poseidon—that scum-sipping, ass-blister—said you were, but he’s usually so intoxicated, I never know what to believe. And just so you know, my Dirty Apple Turnover Lizard didn’t tell you because he must truly love you. Right, Squishy Radish Puppy?”

  “Umm… Mom,” Delphinus said, shaking his head. “You really have to tamp that nickname shit back.”

  “My bad. Sorry, Scrunchy Cinnamon Coffee Bean. I’ll work on it.”

  “Start talking,” I said to my Genie as he eyed me with amusement.

  “You would have mated with me if you’d known I was dying?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I snapped, ready to deck him again, but I needed to hear the whole story first. “I love you no matter what.”

  “My Genie Star Fire Light was going out because I found my true mate and she didn’t want me.”

  “What kind of idiot wouldn’t want you?” I demanded, wanted to kick her ass. I mean, I was devastated that he had a true mate who wasn’t me, but…

  “It’s you,” he said softly so the others wouldn’t hear. “When you didn’t show up for our mating by the ocean, I basically lost a few screws. I did some wildly stupid shit like showing my pecker to the Universe—not to mention I stole the Mona Lisa which is hanging in our bedroom now. Anyway, when you said you still loved me, I refused to use my life or lack thereof as a bargaining chip. You are too good of a person to do that to and I love you too much. I needed you to want me because you loved me—plain and simple.”

  “So how long do you have?” I asked as tears filled my eyes and I wrapped my arms around the Genie I adored.

  “Well,” Delphinus said with a chuckle that I could feel vibrating through his body. “I’d have to say a few million more years.”

  “What?” I snapped, pulling back and glaring at him. This was not a freakin’ joke.

  “When a Genie like me joins forever with his true mate, his Genie Star Fire Light comes back. Look in my eyes, Petunia. See what you do to me.”

  I did. In Delphinus’ eyes I saw his Star Fire and I also saw my reflection in them. His love for me burned clear and bright. It was far more beautiful than any star in the night sky.

  “Wait,” I said, thinking back through all I’d just learned. “The ocean? What do you mean our mating by the ocean?”

  “That’s where we were supposed to meet,” Delphinus said. “It was more romantic by the ocean than in Vegas. I wanted everything to be perfect for you.”

  “I was in Vegas,” I gasped out as my skin felt hot and icy cold at the same time.

  “But I sent you a message,” he said, paling. “I’m gonna kill him.”

  “Yoohoo,” Adara called out waving the bottle to get our attention.

  Delphinus was positively glowing with rage and I was completely confused.

  “I don’t have time for a surprise, Mother,” he roared, causing all on the beach to back away from him except me.

  I was beginning to realize that neither of us had lied about not showing up. But we had both lied last night so that we could have a second chance at love. We had both shown up to our original mating. We’d simply shown up in the wrong place. Twenty-five wasted years of heartache. What the ever-loving heck?

  “You have time for this surprise,” Adara hissed.

  Her eyes glowed so brightly that I had to look away. It was like staring straight into the sun. The furious Genie opened the bottle and a man fell out onto her magic carpet. With a sharp slice of her hand through the air that caused a shimmering silver explosion, the man screamed in agony and went from tiny to full-sized. “Would you like to explain to my son what you did, you tainted nut-biscuit, dick-nosed rectum blossom, sequined crotch box of a soon to be dead Genie?”

  “Holy shite,” Pirate Doug said in admiration. “You cuss better than a sailor.”

  “Thank you,” Adara said, gracing Pirate Doug with a smile so brilliant it twinkled. “I give lessons on Tuesdays. I’ll mark you down as a new student.”

  “Excellent,” Pirate Doug shouted. “I shall bring rare rum that I pilfered from my pappy.”

  “I’ll join ye as well,” Upton said. “I can bring me bean salad.”

  “I love bean salad!” Adara said. “A good shart attack is excellent for my figure.”

  “Excuse me,” Delphius ground out, still glowing and sparking with rage. “As lovely as it is that we’re all bonding, I’m quite interested to know why my old buddy Botein is here.”

  “Oh yes,” Adara said and zapped the living daylights out of this Botein character. “I believe the pie-eating crotch knob would like to share something with you and your lovely Cushy Muffin Buffalo. Am I correct, Botein?”

  Adara once again zapped the living daylights out of the Genie.

  “Speak,” Delphinus demanded. “What have you got to say?”

  I took my Genie’s glowing hand in my own and held tight. His anger didn’t scare me. My goal was to calm him. Glancing over at me he gave me a tight smile. Something awful was about to go down. I could feel it in my tail.

  “My Crunchy Chocolate Chip Bunny said speak,” Adara roared, making the ground tremble beneath our feet.

  “It was my fault,” Botein choked out as Adara zapped him again. “I followed the directions of the elders and didn’t make your mate aware of the change of venue.”

  “You did WHAT?” I shouted as pissed off as my mate now. “Can I zap him?”

  “Be my guest,” Adara said as I threw a fireball at the scum who almost killed my mate by denying him his true love.

  “Why? Why would you do such a thing?” Delphinus ground out in a voice that matched his fury. “You were supposed to be my friend.”

  “May I cut in here?” Pirate Doug inquired.

  Delphinus was so furious he could barely speak. Not a problem. We were a team now.

  “Umm… okay,” I said, wondering if he was going to sing and blow Botein to bits. Just in case, I wiggled my nose and conjured up enough noise-canceling earphones for the whole group.

  “I watch a lot of the detective shows on TV,” Pirate Doug told the slightly confused crowd. “I ha
ve a theory as to why the earwax-eating, sphincter douche-waffle committed such a heinous crime.”

  “That description was wonderful,” Adara praised Pirate Doug. “You will receive an A in my class most definitely.”

  Pirate Doug grinned from ear to ear and gave Adara a gallant bow. “I do believe that Botein was insanely jealous of my brother’s gargantuan one-eyed willy. Not many men in this Universe have wands of life like my brother and myself. Having an extraordinary peen like Delpenis and I have makes other men do evil deeds. Taco hammers the size of ours…”

  “Does this have a point?” I asked, shaking my head. The Pirate could go on for days when talking about his member.

  Pirate Doug appeared completely confused for about a minute and a half while we waited for his brain to catch up to his story.

  “Yes!” he said. “It does. The shite stain on the rug tried to ruin Delpenis’ life because he was furious that he didn’t have an outstanding pecker like my brother. The arsehole even went so far as to separate true mates knowing it would kill Delpenis.”

  “My name is not Delpenis,” Delphinus said flatly.

  “Right. My bad.” Pirate Doug said. “My work here is done. We can send this to the jury for a verdict.”

  “Is that true?” I asked the cowering man on the carpet. If it was, he was a bigger idiot than my cousin-in-law.

  “No,” Botein snarled, eyeing me with hatred and disgust. “It is time for the Genie race to become pure. No more crossbreeding with lesser beings. Delphinus is the strongest of the Genies. We’re making a super race of our kind. I did what I had to do.”

  “You’re a speciest,” I shouted and nailed him with another fireball. “You almost killed the man I love because you have no tolerance of other species. You totally suck.”

  I finished off my tirade with yet one more fireball.

  “What should I do with him?” Adara inquired as she grabbed Botein by the scruff of the neck and shook him like a rag doll. “This piece of hamster-humping dingleberry tried to kill my son. I say a life for a life.”

  “NO,” Delphinus said, pointing at Botein and sending a stream of magic so strong, the evil Genie convulsed in agony and passed out. “He will go back into the bottle after he reveals the names of the others involved in this deadly idiocy. Death is far too kind for scum like him. He will rot in the bottle for all eternity.”