“What I don’t know, Eli, is why the fuck you’re having phone conversations with him.” And why Eli had the phone in the first place. That simple question hung there, banging around inside of Wade’s brain. “Gabe doesn’t appear to be afraid of anything and he cowers at the mention of Jennings’s name, so why are you having any contact with this guy?”
Eli frowned. “Jennings is not that bad.”
That was probably the worst thing Eli could have said. Defending the guy made it all so much worse. The offhand words slammed into Wade like a body blow. “Have you seen him recently?”
“No.”
The answer came too quick and without emotion. “I don’t believe you.”
Eli’s eyes closed and stayed that way for a fraction longer than normal; then he reopened them again. “He’s called. He’s sent confidential documents for me to review.”
Technically that meant Eli had told the truth, but he sure did skirt the idea of laying the whole story out there. “About what?” Wade asked, sick of having to pull each morsel out of Eli.
“You know what confidential means.”
The one comment too many. Eli said it and Wade’s brain exploded, radiating pain through him. The heat made him dizzy as anger fueled his veins. “I know what lying means.”
Eli put his hands on his hips. “Explain that.”
He’d slipped into interrogation mode. Ask questions, offer nothing and try to trip up the suspect. Wade resented the hell out of being treated that way. “You hid this from me. You did that, not me.”
“I ignored the contact from Jennings at the beginning,” Eli said, sounding sure and confident, as if he thought that distinction made a difference. “It’s why he kept calling and sending armed guards with information to my office. He’s not a guy you can put off for very long.”
“At the beginning.” Those words seared across Wade’s brain, blocking everything else. He repeated them more than once in his mind before the importance of them seeped through his consciousness.
“What?”
Wade would not let Eli dodge this either. “Your words, not mine. You said ‘at the beginning,’ meaning something has changed.”
“I talked to the guy.” Eli shrugged as he looked away. “It doesn’t matter.”
Something inside Wade shriveled. It felt as if the life had been sucked right out of him, leaving behind this empty shell that could smash into a million pieces at any moment. “If that were true, you would have told me.”
“When? In between fighting about your insecurities over Andy?” The words actually echoed off the room’s high ceilings.
Wade couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. The rage inside him crashed over everything and held him rooted in place.
“Shit . . .” Eli rubbed a hand over his mouth as he blew out a long breath. “That was an unfair shot. Forget I said that.”
“Not going to happen.” Not when it struck so close to Wade’s reality the last few days.
This was how heartbreak felt. Wade had avoided it until he met Eli. Now he wallowed in it. Every time he thought they’d overcome a crisis, some new one dropped in front of them. Wade could handle strife and difficulty, but it never ended. Eli never turned that corner and started moving forward.
“I don’t want to fight with you.” Eli’s hands fell to his sides as he took a step closer.
Wade shifted, maintaining the small buffer zone between them. Touching would lead to more and Wade needed to stoke his anger. “No, you want to have sex and keep your distance and run back to your spy world.”
“That’s not true.”
But it was.
“Get out.” Wade said the words in a low voice because he didn’t have any energy left to shout. He didn’t even know how he was still standing or how his legs held him up.
Eli blinked. “Are you serious?”
“Why do you care? You refuse to sleep over anyway.”
“Wade, don’t do this. Not again.” Pain moved through Eli’s voice. Gone was the blank stare and conditioned look of disinterest. He was alive and paying attention now, as panic wove around him.
Too late. Exhaustion weighed down on Wade. It even hurt to breathe.
“You’re looking for a reason to run away. I’m handing it to you.” Wade would take the blame for breaking them up . . . again. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
Eli’s eyes narrowed as a new anger simmered there. “Because of a phone.”
“Because I’d rather kick you out than watch you walk away.” And Wade meant it. If Eli planned to leave eventually, he should do it now. There was the door.
“I don’t want to go.” Eli’s shoulders moved as he inhaled a few times. “We need to work this out.”
The tone bordered on pleading and tested every inch of Wade’s resolve. “I’m not giving you a choice.”
Eli’s cheeks flushed. “Wade, don’t.”
“Take your phone and your lifeline to Jennings and the life you can’t let go of and leave.” Then Wade walked back into the bedroom and closed the door behind him.
***
Eli didn’t know how he got home. Stumbled there, mostly. He got the door unlocked and disabled the alarm right as his legs gave out.
He leaned against the wall and dropped his gym bag on the floor. It hit with a crack but he didn’t bother to look to see what had broken or smashed. He didn’t give a damn. Nothing mattered to him. Not now.
Wade had kicked him out a second time. Something he’d promised not to do. He’d said he wouldn’t run or push him away again. All those assurances about how this time they’d work through their problems. It had all been a load of bullshit. A bump came and Wade bailed. Again. He fell back on Eli’s past and the phone as an excuse. Saw the opportunity and grabbed it.
Yeah, Eli knew he should have told Wade about Jennings making contact. He didn’t because he feared this would happen. That Wade would overreact, see it as the end and drag them there. Just as he did.
Eli slid down along the wall. His body jolted as his ass hit the hardwood floor. His energy gone, he stared into the darkness as a heaviness settled in his chest. He wrapped his arms around his knees and dropped his head. Tried to inhale enough air even as his body felt as if it was collapsing in on itself.
He loved Wade but this sucked. Maybe love always sucked, or maybe it would just always suck for him. Either way, he’d come to the end of what he could handle. Gunfire, explosions, torture—bring it. Losing Wade in an endless cycle where everything went great for a short time, then crashed . . . no fucking way.
A faint ringing sounded in the quiet. Eli lifted his head as he cursed the phone. Cursed Jennings for tracking him down. But it could be for the best. Better to know now that Wade would always back away.
Wade had made his decision, and now Eli would make his. He unzipped the bag and grabbed the phone.
This time he answered it.
Chapter Eight
Two days later Wade got called into Jarrett’s office. Not used to being in trouble or on Jarrett’s bad side, Wade didn’t like the sensation. It stole his control and had him twitching.
He opened the door and his body slammed to a stop. Jarrett sat in his oversized desk chair with Becca leaning against the armrest. They made a compelling pair, both dressed in black suits and wearing matching frowns.
Becca shook her head. Even made that annoying tsk-tsking sound she enjoyed so much. “This is sad.”
“I’m going to leave.” Wade actually turned away to follow through.
Jarrett’s voice stopped him. “No one is leaving this office until we work this thing with Eli out.”
So, this wasn’t an employment talk so much as an intervention of some sort. Wade wasn’t interested. “I live upstairs. I can just head up there.”
Jarrett leaned forward in his chair. “And I can fucking follow you.” He pointed at the empty seat across the desk from him. “Sit.”
For once Becca didn’t say anything. Just sat there, swinging her leg ba
ck and forth and wearing a the-next-few-minutes-are-going-to-suck smirk. As if Wade hadn’t already figured that out.
“We’ve been friends for a lot of years, so I’m going to ignore your bullshit and your posturing and any denials you throw out there,” Jarrett said.
“I’m just standing here. As ordered.” And Wade wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. He usually liked hanging out with Jarrett, but not today. Not when something personal and none of his business appeared to be the topic.
“You’re moping,” Jarrett said.
“It’s pathetic and more than a little annoying.” Becca snorted. “Quite the show.”
Wade’s gaze shot to her. “Like Jarrett acted when he thought he lost you?”
Instead of getting angry or taking the bait, she smiled. Her hand went to Jarrett’s shoulder. “That’s sweet.”
He put a hand over hers but never broke eye contact with Wade. “You want to make this about me, have it out with me? I’m game. Let’s go. I will do whatever it takes to snap you out of this.”
Something about Jarrett offering to let him beat it out took all the wind out of Wade. He’d wanted to bang on something for two days. Two lonely fucking days. He hadn’t called Eli on principle. But what really sucked was that Eli hadn’t tried to contact him either. Wade had actually called Eli’s office just to make sure he was still in town and not off planting bombs or shooting people in some country somewhere.
Still, Wade refused to let the latest fight break him. “I’m fine.”
Jarrett’s eyebrow lifted. “You’ve been saying that for two days, and, for the record, you’re absolutely not fine.”
Saying it and not feeling it. Not meaning it. Wade could repeat the phrase in his sleep without even thinking about it. But that didn’t mean he could have this conversation. Not yet.
He fell back on the defense. “Have I failed to do my job?”
Jarrett actually rolled his eyes. “Stop being an asshole. We’re talking as friends, not as boss-employee.”
They’d known each other for so long, been through so much, but that didn’t mean Wade was open for a game of show-and-tell. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
This time Jarrett shrugged. “Tough.”
He was not the type to get into other people’s business. Like Wade, he didn’t wallow in emotion or pick sentences apart. He operated on a practical, get-it-done basis that Wade admired. But for whatever reason, he’d decided to take on Wade’s private life and bring Becca with him.
“You’ve had a rough two days, even though you’ve tried to hide it, but you suck at subterfuge when it comes to Eli. The whole thing where you’re constantly checking your phone and glancing up, all hopeful, anytime anyone walks into the dining room.” Becca winced. “That’s been hard to watch.”
“That’s not true.” Jesus, Wade hoped he hadn’t been that obvious, because it made him sound pitiful.
“Two days in which we haven’t seen Eli around here and you slept alone at your own place,” Becca said.
The sentence took a second to sink in. When it did, indignation rushed over him. “What the fuck? Are you checking up on me?’
Wade despised that idea. He was a grown man. Yes, his relationship had bumped along and had finally blown into a million pieces. That didn’t mean he wanted someone watching over him or digging around in his life. Jarrett of all people—the most secretive of people—should understand that.
Instead Jarrett said, “We live one floor apart, so you can’t exactly hide your private life.”
“And our security is spectacular here,” Becca added.
“Are you congratulating yourself?” Jarrett asked as he glanced up at her.
She smiled. “A little.”
Wade started backing up toward the door. He could sneak out while they . . .
“Stop.” Jarrett snapped his fingers and glared at Wade. “I said for you to sit.”
That sure sounded like an order from a boss. “I thought we were talking as friends.”
“As your friend I’m telling you to spill.” Jarrett leaned forward with his elbows on his big desk. “What’s happening? We can’t help if we don’t know.”
That was the last thing Wade wanted. Eli was private. The more people looking at the pieces of his life before, the worse it would be. “You can’t help.”
Jarrett let out a strangled sound. “Your confidence in my abilities is staggering.”
“You’re a businessman, not a matchmaker.” Everyone had their strengths, but interpersonal relationships were not one of Jarrett’s. Until Becca came along he did what he needed to do to schmooze potential members and that was it. Now she handled membership issues.
“Oh, I don’t know. I hold out hopes for Gabe and Natalie.” Jarrett shrugged. “Throwing them together has possibilities. Could happen.”
Maybe it was too much talking or not enough Eli, but Wade’s mind went blank. “What are you talking about?”
“A topic for another time.” Jarrett sat back in his seat. “How did Eli fuck up this time . . . or was it you?”
Wade said the only word he knew in this new battle. “Jennings.”
The color drained from Becca’s face. “Oh, damn.”
Jarrett shifted around in his seat and put a hand on her leg. “I think I missed something.”
“He trained Eli at The Farm. They were . . .” Becca looked around as if she were searching for the right word. “Close.”
A terrible thought unscrambled in Wade’s brain. “Shit, did Eli sleep with him, too?”
Becca waved that concern off with a shake of her head. “Jennings isn’t gay, but I need to point out that it sounds as if you’re still not over the Andy thing.”
“I am . . . mostly.” Not really at all, but Wade wanted to be. He had a new problem—this unseen man—and Eli’s reactions rang true to his words on one point. If he wanted Andy, Eli was doing a great job of hiding it. “This Jennings guy has started coming around. He’s calling Eli. Wants him back in the CIA or in some group. I don’t know what Jennings does exactly.”
“Truly scary shit.” Becca’s grim expression didn’t change. “Shit Eli needs to stay away from because it will suck his soul right out.”
The confirmation Wade needed. The same confirmation that scared the piss out of him. “That’s fucking fantastic.”
Jarrett shifted in his chair again, bringing all of the attention back to him. “Tell him.”
Wade tried to think where he would even start. Eli acted as if dealing with Jennings was no big deal, something he could ignore. Wade doubted it. “Becca should be the one to issue the warning to Eli since she knows Jennings.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Jarrett shook his head. “Tell Eli you don’t want him to go back to his old life.”
Wade didn’t pretend to be confused though he wanted to. Talking about Eli and their constant issues gnawed away at something inside of him. “I can’t.”
Jarrett swore under his breath. “Wade, you are one of the toughest guys I know. Just fucking man up and tell Eli you love him and are worried he’s going to leave you.”
The words sat there. No one said anything for a few minutes before Wade jumped back in. Saying this truth hurt because it meant he’d put his concerns out there and Eli had waved them off. “I sort of already did.”
“Sort of?” Becca asked.
But Jarrett was on a roll and kept talking. “Then say it louder. Make it clear that losing him will end you, because it will. Believe me, I know how this works.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Becca soothed a hand over Jarrett’s now stiff shoulders. “But I do sympathize with Eli in that I feel the urge to do the old work now and then. Jarrett knows that and we talk about it. He listens, stays calm and we talk through it.”
There might be a lesson in there about handling Eli but Wade got lost in the bigger news plowing into him. Knocked him right off stride because it made no sense. “God, why would you go back? Being in the CI
A nearly got you killed.”
“Many times.” She crossed one leg over the other and leaned in closer. “Look, it’s normal for people like Eli and me to feel torn. We weren’t career suits. We were driven to do that kind of work as some sort of weird redemption. Because something was missing inside of us. It gets in your blood. It becomes part of your heartbeat.”
Jarrett cleared his throat. “For the record, I hate this conversation.”
“You’ll like this part,” she said before turning back to Wade. “But every time I look at Jarrett the need to roam goes away. It’s replaced by something so much bigger. I know that losing him would kill me. That he means more than any adrenaline rush.”
That all made sense—for them. Wade had watched helpless in the past as Jarrett fell for her not once but twice. Every instinct had screamed to get rid of her. Escort her out the front door of the club and out of Jarrett’s upstairs condo, where she hid under his protection. They’d worked it out, but not before Jarrett got shredded.
They’d turned a corner, and Wade was envious but also happy for them. “That’s great for you two, but—”
“Eli feels the same way about you.” As Jarrett spoke Becca nodded. “Man, everyone can see it but you.”
The words pummeled Wade with a rapid-fire punching to the gut. His body deflated and he sank into the chair. “That was before I kicked him out.”
“Again?” Jarrett asked.
Becca snorted. “He means the last time.”
Yeah, Wade hated this part. “No, I mean this time.”
“Damn it, Wade.” Becca sighed. “That was a stupid move.”
“I know.” He regretted not leaving Jarrett’s office when he had the chance. This conversation had him questioning and doubting and feeling even shittier than he had five minutes ago, and he never would have thought that was possible.
Becca didn’t let it go. She’d risen from her seat and looked ready to pounce. “You can’t build trust with someone if you shove them out the door every time they piss you off. Hell, if I did that Jarrett would live in the hallway.”
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