Plan B

by Hayley Oakes

  Ivy smiled at us from her pushchair facing towards us as we walked, Matt held my hand and kept one hand on the buggy.

  “Hey guys,” the waitress who owned the place, Lou, said when we found a table amongst the Sunday morning rush, “great to see you, not seen ya in ages.”

  Matt got Ivy out of the pushchair and Lou fussed over her, “Oh you’ve gone and grown up so much in the past few weeks, where ya been?” she asked us.

  “Oh I had to work,” I lied so she didn’t ask any more questions.

  Matt didn’t say anything, just smiled over at me as Ivy settled into the high chair.

  “You’re a convincing liar,” he smirked, “noted.”

  I shook my head and glared at the menu, “I hate awkward questions.” I shrugged.

  “You didn’t even flinch, it was unnerving,” he looked at the menu too and dropped his keys on the high chair for Ivy to play with.

  We ordered, ate lunch, walked to the local park and pushed Ivy on the swings. I had a sense that Matt was waiting for something and wary in some way so when we walked home I asked.

  “What you thinking?” I pushed Ivy and he walked by my side.

  “I’m thinking about what time you’re gonna make me leave?” he asked sheepishly and I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.

  “I still need time,” I uttered.

  “I know,” he shoulder bumped me lightly and took a deep breath, “how about I take you out for another date one night this week?” butterflies set flight in my stomach at the thought.

  “Okay,” I agreed. I was defenceless around this man.

  Chapter 41 - Fourteen Months Old

  Matthew

  I WAS TRYING MY best to gain Penny’s trust again, my mum kept asking what was going on and I ignored her comments most of the time. We found our routine from before except there was a lot less sleeping together and I knew it was for the best. If I was honest I wanted Penny and Ivy living with me, not in her small flat that the landlord needed to spend some money on. I wanted to wake up every day to my girls and make sure that Penny had everything she needed. She was a way away from letting that happen though.

  It was October and I thought back to the way I felt a year before and couldn’t believe that was the same person. My life had changed so much and I didn’t have the dark thoughts that used to invade me back then. A year ago I didn’t even know whether I had a son or a daughter, a year ago I had no idea who Penny Strauss really was and I never thought I’d ever feel happiness again. My final years with Jemma had been tough and her death before we could resolve everything added to the guilt. Penny and Ivy helped lift that.

  I remember my parents intervening and telling me to sort out my life and encouraging me to see the baby I was being forced to pay for. I was apprehensive but in hindsight it was the best thing I had ever done in my life.

  I needed to prove to Penny that I was ready to move on with my life and that I was dedicated to her and Ivy, no matter what.

  “I’m going to sell the house,” I told my parents as we sat having a coffee one Saturday afternoon at a Garden Centre of my mother’s choice. Penny was working and my mum loved to force an abundance of local cafes onto myself and Ivy when she could. The garden centres had started stocking Christmas stuff and Mum wanted her grandchild to start experiencing it all, even in October.

  “What?” my mum sat back in her chair, Ivy on her lap playing with her purse, pulling cards out and laughing.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, “I never loved it, it’s full of memories and I want a clean slate.”

  “But ...” Mum blustered, “what about Jemma? That was your house together, you may regret leaving it.”

  I shrugged, “don’t think I haven’t thought about this,” I blew out a calming breath, “everything I need from Jemma is here,” I tapped my head with my forefinger, “and here,” I touched my heart. “I don’t need that house and if anything it reminds me too much of the reasons why we weren’t happy than when we were.”

  “Is this to do with Penny?”

  “No,” I shot her down straight away. “No,” I said again a little softer, “this is for me, for my sanity and for me to stop being the husband of the woman that died.”

  “Matt ...” Mum began.

  “Mum, that house wasn’t my first choice, every bare inch of it was coiffed by Jem and every single room in it reminds me of her, that’s fine but it’s time to move on.” I picked up my cup and took a sip of my latte, “we were happier in our small house on Briarwood and that house only brought more pressures, pressures to fill it with kids we couldn’t have.” At that moment Ivy reached out and touched my arm. “I always wanted a fixer upper and something older with character, so I’ve been looking.”

  “You’ve been looking?” my mum sounded concerned.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, “everything I want to remember from my time with Jemma I have and it fits into a neat box.” I nodded assertively, “she and I had an amazing life but I think it’s time I focused on me and making me happy.”

  “That house will sell easily,” Dad added, he shrugged when Mum glared at him, “it’s a great area and inside it’s like a show home.”

  “Just think about it,” Mum sighed, “these things are not easy to undo.”

  “I have thought about it and the board goes up this week,” I nodded.

  “What?” Mum’s eyes bulged out of her head and she glanced quickly to Dad. “Matt ...”

  “Aid,” Dad cut her off, “your son is recovering from losing his wife and is telling you it’s time to move on, please listen for once,” he uttered the last part and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. When she opened them she met my eyes and smiled.

  “How can we help?” she nodded and I grinned.

  “Let’s just see if we get anyone interested first.” I finished my latte and Dad winked at me. He didn’t stand up to her very often but when he did it was always at the last minute when you thought all was lost and you’d never win her round. Go Dad.

  “I’m putting the house on the market next week,” I told Penny as we walked back from our weekly cafe trip on Sunday afternoon.

  “What?” she turned to me and narrowed her eyes. She looked cute today, her hair was wound up messily on top of her head and she wore over-sized biker boots over her leggings and a big bomber jacket that also looked too big. Her pale, blue eyes looked concerned and I hated seeing that, her instinct was always wary and that ate me up. I hadn’t told her so far as I knew she’d think it was about her, it wasn’t.

  “Well,” I sighed, “I want a project, a house I can put my own stamp on and something that I can make mine.” I nodded at the last part and she dipped to straighten Ivy’s hat so it wasn’t over her eyes, she had fallen asleep.

  “Oh,” we kept walking but I could hear the cogs of her mind whirring.

  “That’s it? Oh ...” I smirked and shoulder bumped her lightly, “what you thinking?”

  “Well, I don’t know, I mean I’ve never lost anyone like you and your house is so lovely and ... are you sure?” she didn’t look at me.

  I stopped walking and she did too, I turned to face her and she tentatively looked up to meet my eye, “I’m sure,” my gaze was serious and I swallowed hard, “I’m ready to leave behind the memories, the good and the bad, and I want to start a new chapter with you ... two.”

  She lowered her head and nodded, “don’t do this for me,” she uttered, “you don’t need to move house for me.”

  “Look,” I stepped and placed my hands on her arms, “I’m doing this for me, that house is the epitome of Jemma and although I loved her and that house when she was here, I don’t need it to remember what we had but I feel like I need to leave it to move on.” She gave me a tight smile.

  “Your choice,” she said, I smiled and pulled her into my arms.

  “My choice,” I repeated and kissed the top of her head, “will you help me look?” I asked, “for a new house?”

  She didn’t answer straight
away so I squeezed her to prompt for a response, “yes,” she hissed. “Of course.”

  The house sold within two weeks, there was a bidding war and it ended on closed bids so I actually got two thousand over the asking price, it was ridiculous. I’d had a look at a number of properties online in various stages of renovation in the Bromley area, viewed several and settled on two that were enough of a project to be reasonably priced but that I could actually live in. Moving home for a few months was not an option.

  I arranged to view both properties one Sunday and to take Penny and Ivy to get her opinion. My mum had plenty of opinions and had organised viewings without me for a few properties but the only opinion I really wanted was Penny’s.

  “So down to the last two?” she asked as we drove to the first location.

  “Yeah,” I gave her a blazing grin, “so it’s down to you, Pen.” I teased.

  “Hey, it’s your house,” she protested, holding her hands up.

  “Well ... I hope one day you two will move in with me,” I said with a furrowed brow. I wanted it now but she wasn’t ready, “so I need you to like it.”

  “I’m sure I’d like anything you pick,” she shrugged. “You have great taste.”

  “There’s a few considerations,” I continued, “one has a mudroom where the washer and dryer can go but no downstairs bathroom but we could add that. One is three storeys and has a basement kitchen, so we need to just think what is better.”

  The first property was on a quiet tree lined street, there wasn’t much front garden and it was a mid-terraced property that had three storeys but it was stunning. We pulled up outside and I grabbed a sleeping Ivy whilst Penny took it in. Her head was dropped back as she looked up to the tall red-bricked house. “First impressions?” I asked as Ivy’s head rested on my shoulder.

  “Beautiful,” she smiled and nodded. We walked to the front door and the estate agent was already there waiting. Inside needed some work. The owner had recently died so the decor and amenities were dated.

  “I think we knock this bit through,” I said as we passed the dining room that led off the living area. “Brick up the living room and have a huge open plan living area with bi-folding doors.” We walked downstairs into the tired kitchen that had hardly any cabinets or counter space.

  “It definitely needs work,” Penny sighed, “it won’t be cheap.”

  “It’ll look amazing,” I said with an excited voice and Penny nodded. I led her upstairs to the five bedrooms and two bathrooms.

  “These two bedrooms could be a master suite,” I said to her when we toured the second floor, “with an en suite.”

  “It’d be bigger than my flat,” she laughed.

  “Yeah,” I looked around and in my head we were already here, I could see how amazing it would look and had visions of me and Penny decorating and choosing a bedroom that was ours. Her being with me every night in a little piece of heaven we had both had a hand at choosing. I wanted that. “Do you see it, Pen?” I asked her, “how awesome it could be?”

  She turned to me and smiled, reaching out to touch Ivy’s sleeping face. “Ivy is so lucky to get to have you as a daddy,” she looked away from me and surveyed the space again, “I would have loved this much space when I was a little kid.”

  I walked over placed my free arm around her, “I want this to be your space too,” I said in a whisper and she rested her head backwards onto me.

  We drove straight from there to the next house. It was different altogether, it was detached, set back on a busy road but on a larger plot of land with gates out the front. It was fully built but the owners ran out of money and so the inside needed some work. The land was still churned up to mud with the building works and inside was a complete blank canvas. There was no kitchen but they had built a basement room that could be a kitchen or a gym. It was my personal favourite but needed the most money spending and the most work. I could live in it as a shell but the first thing I would need to do is the kitchen.

  “Wow,” Penny said as we walked to the back of the house where floor to ceiling windows looked out onto the back garden. The land was uneven and muddy but you could see it had character. She hadn’t said wow at the other house. Upstairs there were four decent sized bedrooms and the master had an en suite and dressing room. The en suite had a bathroom plumbed in but it wasn’t tiled and there was no flooring.

  “You prefer this one?” I asked Penny. Ivy started to stir and rub her eyes, so I rocked her and rubbed her back. She reached out for her mummy and so I passed her over and she snuggled into Penny’s chest.

  “They’re both impressive,” Penny said.

  “You didn’t say wow at the last one,” I smirked.

  “This one has more room and it’s got a great feel and ...” she sighed, “it’s your choice.”

  “I want this to be our house,” I added, laying everything on the line.

  She nodded, “I know that but I’m not ready and I would hate for you to choose something because of me and regret it.”

  I shrugged, “I’d whittled it down to two and would have either but if my girls like this,” I smiled as Ivy had been pointing to be put down and was now roaming through the house in her new unsteady walk that had arrived over the past few weeks.

  “She does seem to like it,” Penny laughed, “but to be fair she was asleep for the last one.”

  Ivy waddled over to the plastered walls and splatted both her hands on there and said, “yeah.”

  “Mind made up,” I nodded and looked at Penny with a grin.

  “It’s spectacular,” she grinned back, “I love it.”

  “Agreed,” I walked towards her and wound my arms around her, bending my knees to drop a kiss on her sweet mouth. Ivy padded over to us and squeezed herself between our legs.

  “Up,” she said grumbling, “up mama.”

  “I think someone is jealous,” Penny laughed.

  “I think we’ve found our new home, Ivy,” I said happily, pulling her up to snuggle her between us.

  Chapter 42 - Fifteen Months

  Penny

  “ARE YOU COMING OUT here for Christmas?” Gary asked as we FaceTimed on a cold, November night after I’d been teaching yoga and I struggled to meet his eye.

  “I have to work,” I said and Leon’s head popped into the camera.

  “I’ll call Gail myself and tell her to close that place down for Christmas so people can have a life,” he glared into the camera with a scary look and I laughed.

  “I think the Larsons will want to see Ivy,” I added weakly.

  “So they see her when it suits you,” Gary sighed, “come!”

  “Um....” I hadn’t told them that I was seeing Matt again. There was never a right time and after my visit in September I felt it was hypocritical and embarrassing considering how much I’d cried. I was weak and I didn’t want them to know.

  “I’m going to buy the tickets right now,” Leon flashed his iPhone in front of the camera.

  “No,” I yelped.

  “Out with it,” Gary pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes, “what’s going on?”

  “Oh well,” I stuttered.

  “Come on,” he coaxed.

  “Well I suppose me and Matt are trying to work things out,” I smiled awkwardly.

  “Oh,” Gary looked at Leon and Leon looked unhappy.

  “Well I suppose since I got back from Spain he’s been trying really hard to show me how much he,” I coughed, “cares and he’s sorry about how things ended and he’s trying to show me ...” I finished and wished I could show them how happy he made me.

  “Since when?” Gary asked.

  I sighed, “September-ish.”

  “Penny you remember I said some things shouldn’t need to be asked well this is one,” Gary looked at Leon and Leon looked at me intently through the camera.

  “I have no words,” Leon shook his head, “I mean the fact that he’s not walking away makes me think he’s not a complete idiot but I also worry that he
could break your heart again.”

  I swallowed hard, “I’m being careful,” I uttered, “we’re not back to where we were but we’ve been having dates and I’m trying to stay at my flat and not with him.”

  “Well I suppose it’s been a couple of months, just take it slow and remember what I taught ya,” Gary got close to camera, “treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen.”

  Leon laughed and pushed Gary back from the camera, “trust your instincts and I want to meet this bloke.”

  “He says he’d like to meet you too but I was ... worried.” I cringed and closed my eyes as they both started talking at the same time.

  “Get him out here,” Gary said quickly.

  “Have him on the next FaceTime,” Leon continued.

  I laughed, “I’ll speak to him and see what he says but I’m okay and I’m happy and I hope what I told you about him won’t make you hate him.”

  “Penny,” Gary began, “we don’t hate but using my daughter as a surrogate and then leaving her high and dry just because things didn’t work out as planned was not a great start for him.”

  Leon laughed, “when the season goes quiet early next year we’ll think about a trip home. No promises.”

  “Fab,” I grinned massively and saw my foster sister Cornelia poke her head into the camera and pull a silly face. “Hi Corny,” I said with affection.

  We talked a little longer and then said our goodbyes and I snuggled up under my fleecey blanket and watched TV as Ivy snoozed in our bedroom. This flat was tiny, for now she was still in a cot but in the future we would outgrow the place and I wasn’t sure what I would do. I knew what Matt wanted me to do, I knew that house was his idea to get us all together but I was petrified. In my whole life there had been pockets of time where I’d felt content, actual time when I hadn’t worried about stuff and thought everything was going to be okay. The worrying thing was that those times were few. Even with Gary and Leon I always felt one meltdown away from being returned. No matter how many times they told me they loved me or that I was with them for good it wasn’t often I felt truly content. I didn’t want that for my daughter.