Plan B

by Hayley Oakes

  I was always on high alert and with Matt I had let my guard down. The early days when our routine was fluid and he kissed me frequently and we slept in the same bed most nights, I’d let myself relax. The problem was that when I was with him I did feel cherished, I did feel content and I felt loved. It was a dangerous way for me to be but I believed that he wanted to look after me and our break had been a blip. I loved the way he loved Ivy and the way he looked at me with those grey, blue eyes so sincere made my heart clench. I so wanted every single thing he said and the way he made me feel to be true. The problem was I was far too used to being let down and I needed to stay alert.

  I was about to go to bed when my phone flashed with a message.

  Matt: You in bed yet? Xx

  We often spoke when I was in bed for the night and cuddled up under my duvet.

  Me: Not yet was just FT the dads and watching TV, you? X

  My phone then rang and I saw his name flash across the screen.

  “Hi,” I answered and settled under my blanket, turning the TV down.

  “Hey,” he sighed, “I was wondering if you’d help me this weekend.”

  “Oh?” I took a deep breath.

  “I need to pack and clean this house and my mum has offered but ...”

  “You might kill her if she does?” I offered with a smirk.

  “Yeah,” I heard the amusement in his voice, “I thought after work Saturday I could pick you up, you come here and Sunday we just go for it.”

  “Right,” I nodded, “okay.”

  “Yeah?” he sounded relieved, “Mum will be round, she actually can’t stay away but she could help with Ivy and you can help me decide what I need.”

  “Fine,” I agreed.

  “Then you can stay Sunday and I’ll take you out for a huge roast to say thanks,” he tried to sweeten the deal.

  “Sounds good, when do you need to be out?” I asked.

  “Everything is completing a week today so that’s it.”

  “Wow,” I said excited for him. “It’s all happening so quickly.” Matt’s new house was the second one he showed me and the most amazing place I had ever seen. It was some old white rendered, detached place that had been gutted but the owners had run out of money so he was taking over the project and by the looks of it he already had some fantastic ideas. It was going to be amazing and when he talked about it he always said we and it warmed my broken heart.

  “I know,” he sounded tentative, “it’s crept up and I need to get sorted.”

  “We’ll sort it,” I told him.

  “Thanks Pen, I miss you two when you’re not here,” he said in a sweet, low vice that turned my insides to mush and made me miss him too.

  “We miss you too,” I said and smiled.

  “Can I come take my girls out for dinner tomorrow after work?” he asked as my traitorous heart sang a little dance and my stomach flitted with his words. The next day was Friday and I’d only seen him an hour ago after I got back from teaching yoga.

  “We’re getting close to being where we were Matt,” I inhaled a deep breath, “and look where that got us last time.”

  “Just say yes, you know you want to,” he teased.

  “Yes,” I let out a breath as I said it.

  The weekend was a blur of activity. Friday night Matt drove out to us after work, I’d already dressed Ivy in her pyjamas and onesie so when we drove out to eat dinner she could go to bed as soon as we got home. We went to a nearby pub and laughed as I told him about our day at messy play and he filled me in on the antics at the office. Matt was easy to get along with, we rarely fell out and although I could be very guarded he brought the best out in me. I’d never had a boyfriend before who was like my best friend and didn’t spend all his time trying to get one up on me for various reasons. Maybe it was the age difference or maybe it was just Matt but I always felt cared for and not like I was being sized up for how useful I could be.

  By the time we got back to my flat Ivy had fallen asleep, I eased her into bed and came out of my room finding Matt in the kitchen with the kettle on.

  “Pen ....” he began and I narrowed my eyes at him, as his lead in sounded ominous, “I wanna just clarify something,” he smirked and it disarmed me. He leaned back onto my counter and the muscles under his shirt bulged enticingly. I licked my lips involuntarily and tried to meet his eye and not stare at the body I loved so much.

  “Go on,” I crossed my arms.

  “It’s just ...” the kettle boiled and he grabbed two mugs and the chocolate Horlicks I had bought a few weeks ago that we’d both become addicted to, “before all this crazy house stuff starts and we are crazy busy on Sunday and things might get messy and people might get grumpy and ...”

  “Matt, spit it out,” I almost yelled.

  “So real life gets in the way and I’m gonna be busy and I want you to know that this, us,” he motioned between us, “I’m still all in and I don’t want you to question that I love you and when I move I want you and Ivy to live with me.” He turned away from me briefly and stirred the Horlicks.

  “What made you say that tonight?” I asked, stepping to where he stood. I placed my hand tenderly on his back and he looked down at me.

  “I just think I spend so much time trying to keep this all together that I just worry if I stop trying ‘cos I’m busy then you’ll ... think I don’t care,” he shrugged and tossed the teaspoon in the sink. It hurt my heart to hear him say that he’d been trying so hard to please me that it was exhausting.

  “Oh God, Matt,” I leant my head on him, “you don’t have to prove anything to me, I’m happy you know that right?”

  “You are?” he turned slightly and I stood before him and gave him a tight smile.

  I reached up and touched his cheek, “I’m so shit at all this feeling bullshit,” I laughed, “I never feel like any time we spend together is hard work and I would hate you to feel like you have to try, I mean I’m still trying to be careful but God I never doubt the way you feel, I just worry that it won’t last.”

  “That’s what scares me Pen, if I can’t be as attentive then you’ll think I don’t care,” he shook his head and lowered it, “believe me when I say you, me and Ivy, that’s all I want and I do love you.” He looked up and met my eye when he said the last part and my heart thudded at his words.

  “I love you too,” I said quietly and his eyes blinked open widely at my words.

  “What?” he smirked, bending so we were lined up and placing his hands either side of my face, “what?”

  I grinned and closed my eyes quickly, embarrassed. “I love you,” I shrugged and opened my eyes.

  His lips were on mine instantly and I smiled as he kissed me, his tongue darting over my lips and his arms winding around me and pulling me flush to his body. I ran my hands up his back and found his hard, bulging shoulders as he held me firmly in place. His mouth tasted sweet of mint and I sighed as contentment filled me. He lifted me gently and carried me back to the sofa, where he dropped me on the edge and pushed me back so he could crawl over me.

  “Tonight Pen, I’m gonna show you just what the benefits are to loving me,” he grinned and I leant up and kissed him.

  “Wow, so what have the benefits been so far?” I asked with mock furrowed brows of confusion.

  “So far it’s just been girlfriend goodness because you clearly liked me,” he dropped a kiss to my mouth again and flexed his arms as he caged me in on the sofa, “now you love me the game is upped.”

  “Can’t wait,” I grinned wickedly as his lips dropped to my throat.

  Work was crazy, we were planning for the Christmas show and my girls were more focused than ever. Three of them were auditioning for stage school after high school and I’d also been helping them on private pieces for that too. Gail and I didn’t get a lunch break and even Eden had been helping with classes for the younger ones so we could concentrate on the older girls. We’d had an influx of younger ones and Gail had started incorporating some ne
w classes that were proving to be really popular. Gail said girls were coming from all over London to attend as the competitions were drawing people in but I was sure it wasn’t just me helping gain new kids.

  Matt turned up before my last class finished as usual. Ivy was getting so much bigger and he held her back as she squirmed, finally letting her down to roam around the studio as we wrapped up. It took a while for the girls to filter out and I had to pack my stuff and tidy the room. Ivy toddled around the place and Matt helped me pack away, I shoved some stretchy workout leggings and a hoody on.

  “Hello,” he grinned as my head popped out the hood, he bent to kiss me and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the kiss.

  “Hello,” I replied.

  “Busy day?” he asked.

  “The busiest,” I sighed.

  “Well,” he stepped back and rubbed his hands together, “I have made dinner and you can soak in the bath when it goes in the oven.”

  “You made dinner?” I asked with pure joy, it sounded amazing no matter what it was.

  “Yes,” he held his hands up with a self-satisfied smile on his face, “I have prepared chilli.”

  “Wow,” I nodded with praise and dropped to pick up my bag. “Did you use a recipe book?”

  “Um,” he rubbed his chin, “okay so my mum may have prepared it as she knew I’d packed a lot of kitchen stuff but can we pretend I did?”

  I laughed, “Well that counts as trying.”

  Ivy toddled towards me and I picked her up, Matt grabbed my stuff and we walked from the room turning the lights out as we did. I said my goodbyes to Gail, Serena and Eden and Gail made a fuss of Ivy. We left and drove to Matt’s house for the final pack up the next day and I knew I was content. I knew I trusted this guy again, he had proven his worth and was including me in all his plans, not just Ivy. I meant what I said to him, I loved him. I couldn’t help myself. We’d talked at length about the reasons why he stepped back from what we had and I tried to see past it. The problem was that hurt resonated so deep in my body and joined the other scars that tingled whenever I tried to be happy.

  I tried to forget but it lingered, like when you wake up and then slowly the feeling of dread settles but you have no idea why. That was my life. Happiness had always been so short lived that the threat of it ending lingered over me like a bad smell.

  That night we ate dinner as a family at Matt’s dining table, he was giving a lot of his furniture away and starting from scratch as he decorated each room. His plan was to do his and Ivy’s bedrooms as well as the kitchen straight away. He’d be able to sleep there but I had an idea that he may spend quite a few nights with us until it was fully habitable. Once Ivy was in bed, Matt opened a bottle of wine and we snuggled on the sofa watching Saturday night TV.

  “You still feel okay about the move?” I asked as I lay in front of him on the sofa and his arms engulfed me from behind.

  “Yeah,” he breathed out. “You still okay to help?”

  “Of course,” I grinned. He hugged me tighter and kissed my head.

  The next day was a flurry of activity, despite Matt’s plans his mum arrived dressed to clean and pack, and started barking orders as we stood in the kitchen laughing over a cup of tea. It was only nine am when she walked through the door.

  “Why are you two just standing around?” she asked and walked straight to the sink to fill her mop bucket, “what have you started on?”

  “Nothing yet,” Matt sighed. “And you will not be getting a key to my new house.”

  His mum turned back with a smirk and shook her head, “I’ll find a way, I always do.”

  “Now there’s a threat that makes a man’s blood run cold,” his weary dad said from the doorway as he heaved a huge contraption inside.

  “What is that?” Matt asked.

  “Carpet cleaner,” Adrienne snapped from behind us.

  “Mum, for God’s sake,” Matt put his mug down, “we’re doing surface cleaning not preparing for the arrival of the Queen.”

  “I won’t have it said my son is grubby,” she pursed her lips and stood up straighter in her jeans and sweatshirt combo, with perfectly coiffed blonde, curled hair and full make up.

  “Well we’ll start upstairs,” I nodded as Ivy walked to my legs and put her arms up to be lifted.

  “Great,” Brian grinned and glanced to Adrienne, “cup of tea dear?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she nodded and clapped her hands, walking to take Ivy who happily went to her Nana. “Let’s go.”

  Matt and I got started cleaning the bedrooms, he’d already packed all his clothes and got rid of all the things he wasn’t taking a while ago. The bedroom he had once shared with Jemma was very rarely used and I’d only set foot in it a few times. He’d removed her things a long time ago, maybe for closure. I suppose it wasn’t a room he wanted to linger in and so I offered to clean it.

  “Are you sure?” he asked and I nodded.

  I went inside, it was pure white, there was a beautiful chandelier over the now stripped divan bed. The furniture was mirrored, the carpet a very pale grey and in the bay window there was a tub chair of very light grey, purple and white stripes. It was tasteful and feminine and so not Matt that I wondered how it had ever been his bedroom. The room he slept in had chunky, oak furniture that suited him more.

  I dusted, scrubbed, polished the mirrored furniture and felt a sense of calm wash over me as I did some final checks throughout the exquisite room. It would have suited Jemma perfectly, she was so elegant and always dressed tastefully. I couldn’t imagine her slumming around in a hoody and leggings like I did or leaving the house without make up. She was a classic beauty and although I had wondered how Matt loved us both despite us being so different, I started to see that everyone you loved was different and you loved them for what they had not what they didn’t. I cleaned the en-suite and made the white surfaces shine.

  I opened drawers and wardrobes and checked everywhere for anything he may have forgotten. Within the wardrobe there was a small drawer at the very bottom, hidden, and I absently opened it but my eyes caught some things inside. Without thinking much about it I just pulled them out and placed them on the bottom of the wardrobe, there was a white iPhone, an envelope which I glanced inside and saw jewellery, a purse that was obviously Jemma’s and then behind it all an envelope that said Penelope.

  I gasped when I saw it and swallowed hard. I ran my finger over the feminine writing and I knew it was from Jemma. My heart started to hammer at a mile a minute and my body felt heated all over as I felt intrusive and yet inquisitive. This was meant for me but how? I took the envelope in my shaking hands and settled into the carpet then tore it open. The sound felt too loud for the eerily quiet room and I took a deep breath as I took the folded note from the envelope.

  Penelope,

  I’ve been struggling to find the right time to tell you this and I’m worried that when I do tell you that you’ll worry so I thought maybe this letter would be best.

  Thank you so much for what you are doing and the selfless act of helping me realise my dream to be a mother, something I feared I would never be. Thank you so much for that and I want you to know how much I already love the baby more than anything in the world.

  The reason I am writing is to let you know that the baby’s life may not be everything I had promised, you see my husband and I ... we’re not doing too great.

  I love him so much but the time we’ve spent desperate for a baby has changed us both and I just don’t think he’s in this like I am. I can’t see a future for us.

  I want you to know that I will love this baby with every fibre of my being and I know after your upbringing you’ll be worried about the new circumstances but please let me tell you I will be enough to be both mum and dad.

  I promise that this doesn’t change what we have agreed and I hope you can see that and feel just as happy about the plans.

  Let’s talk about all of your concerns.

  Lots of Love

 
Jemma xxx

  I kept reading the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in and imaging how I would have felt if I read this letter. I’d have been spooked, not because I worried for the baby but I would have worried that she wouldn’t want it and that my twenty grand wouldn’t have happened. As it turned out my worst fears were realised and it was the best thing I didn’t even know I needed. I would never wish for Jemma to be dead but now I couldn’t imagine being without Ivy. Tears filled my eyes at how desperate she sounded, how awful her last few months must have been if she had to write this letter. Jemma was very confident and eloquent so I can only imagine that she wrote the letter because she didn’t think she could hold it together telling me her marriage was in trouble. I thought back to Matt, the hateful stares he gave me when he first confronted me in the street and how much he really didn’t want Ivy. The whole thing had been such a mess. The tears really started to well and before I knew it I was sobbing. Crying for her, for me, for now being happy with the man who couldn’t make her happy. That familiar feeling of stepping into her territory and feeling a fraud.

  I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and stood on shaky legs. I decided I needed some air, shoved the note in my hoody and walked quickly down the stairs and before anyone could see my red, blotchy face I bolted out the front door.

  Chapter 43 – Matthew

  “PENNY?” I HEARD HER motor down the stairs when I walked out of the bathroom but when I followed her down she was gone.

  “She went outside,” Mum said walking from where she was cleaning in the kitchen. Ivy was sat on Dad’s lap eating chocolate and watching TV.

  I walked to the front door and poked my head outside, I couldn’t see her. I quickly grabbed my coat from the hooks behind the door and ran out after her. I dashed to the street, looked both ways and saw her in the distance. This wasn’t like Penny, something must have spooked her and I could kick myself for letting her clean that room but it saved me the hardship.