Three months after we moved to California we arranged to have a second wedding. “Darlin’ all our family can come together now as well as my friends and work associates to meet you and the kids. I can hardly wait.”
Cary’s mom, Lorraine, was flying out to attend our formal ceremony. She would be seeing me for the first time as her daughter-in-law, not Dave’s older sister. I was looking forward to finally meeting Cary’s oldest brother and his family. My cousins, aunts and uncles on my Dad’s side, who I had not seen for over twenty-years were also planning on coming. My old babysitter, Debbie, who remained one of my closest friends, planned to drive two hours to celebrate our happy day with us.
We held our ceremony at an outdoor chapel at Thacher School in the majestic Ojai valley. Kristy again played her flute as Cary and I walked out together. All the kids joined us up front while Cary’s friend, who was a minister, led the service. Since Cary worked in food service he was able arrange to have the chef from Biola prepare a delicious meal. It was a celebration that looked like it had been prepared for royalty. I felt like a queen surrounded by family and friends on the arm of my Prince Charming. Toasts were made, and then Cary and I stopped at each table thanking our guests for joining us, while Ashley sat quietly atop his shoulders.
The next day, all the guests met at our clubhouse for a casual time of swimming and barbecuing. We played games and laughed throughout the day. Everyone enjoyed our two-day celebration. For many months, afterward Ashley walked around wearing a scarf on her head pretending to be a bride.
We found a church to attend right away. “Cary, I feel uncomfortable telling people about my past. What will they think when they find out I’ve been divorced twice? I’m afraid they will judge me and look down on me.”
“Don’t worry about other people. If they choose to judge you then they have to answer to God. You just keep being the awesome woman I married and they will love you just like I do.”
The business Cary was in didn’t grow for a whole year, which gave us time to adjust to one another. Often, we looked back on our first year of married life gratefully thanking God that he gave us so much uninterrupted time to connect with one another as a family.
I appreciated staying home the first year we were married then Ashley started kindergarten and I worked part time in Biola’s cafeteria. Some days I’d bring my daughter to work with me when she was off from school. The students enjoyed seeing her and she loved the attention from them and my co-workers. Ashley enjoyed going to work with me and she would often swipe the meal cards by herself.
Sadly, even after several months being Cary’s wife, my past would overwhelm me and I would often give in to my feelings of insecurities and convince myself that Cary regretted marrying me.
One day he grew concerned. “What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you happy?”
It was hard to reveal my dark thoughts, but he kept encouraging me to open up to him. “I’m scared you’re going to stop loving me when you realize I’m not perfect and I’m moody, anxious, fearful, and insecure. You’ve been around me when I’m irritable and I get impatient with the kids. I feel like I’ve brought so much baggage into the marriage and now with Lee being around at least three times a week it feels so overwhelming. Sometimes I am so full of anxiety because I get scared and am afraid you’re going to stop loving me.”
“Come over here.” He took my hands in his, “I know you will never be perfect. I’m not and I don’t expect you to be either. Don’t you know I see your heart? I love everything about you, even your moodiness. Don’t ever doubt my love for you. You can take that to the bank!”
He reassured me that he could handle Lee and all that could transpire because he was in our lives. At those times, when I felt undeserving of his love, God reminded me through his word that he had given me more that I could have imagined.
“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work with us.” Ephesians 3:20
I called my old friend in Colorado one day, shortly after Cary and I had talked about my fears. “Rosa, I have prayed throughout my life for someone like Cary, never really believing it would happen. God’s grace is amazing. I didn’t do anything to deserve this but God gave it to me anyway. This has been much better than anything I could have planned for my life!”
“I’m so happy for you. It’s obvious he brought a wonderful man into your life to love you and your children.”
I finally began to relax and bask in Cary’s love. The kids treasured our first year in California. They made new friends and Jeremy liked his job right away. We struggled financially for the first couple of years and we did without many extras but it didn’t matter because we all felt loved.
Often after church we’d stop at a nearby grocery store; buy fried chicken, chips, and fresh fruit. Finding a park, we’d eat our picnic lunch. Afterwards, we’d feed the ducks and take long walks. Sometimes we’d all join in a game of catch or take turns playing with Ashley on the playground. Watching Cary proudly push her in the swing and slide down the slide with her filled me with unexplainable joy. After family dinners, there were many nights we stayed up late to finish playing a game of “Risk.” Since Ashley was still very young, we all played board games with her pretty often. Even the older kids spent family time preferring to hang out with us, instead of their friends, we watched movies, played games, went out to eat and enjoyed each other’s company.
Since our house didn’t come with air conditioning, I spent nearly every day in the summers swimming with the kids. Cary always joined us on the weekends and after work. Although I often grumbled about the heat, I was grateful for the closeness we shared at the pool, where we were able to create such wonderful memories. Thankfully, my older brother and his family only lived an hour from us and we had them to hang out with on weekends. My only regret was the rest of my family still lived in Colorado and could not enjoy good times with us.
Two years after we moved to California, my brother, Mike received orders to move to Nebraska. Spending holidays and birthdays with my brother’s family had been a blessing for all of us. The kids enjoyed the closeness they experienced with their cousins. After Mike and his family left, we had to make up our own traditions during holidays and birthdays, because we didn’t have any extended family close by. Since we had all left our family and old friends behind, I felt like we were able to bond closer as a family since we only had each other.
38
Tyler
“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord.” Psalm 127:3
“I praise you for every breath I take and thank You that I was created for good things.” Colossians 3:10
Cary and I often talked about having a child of our own. Several years into our marriage, I realized I was pregnant, but unfortunately all my old fears came flooding back. Even my three older children felt it. “What if Cary treats us the way Lee did when you had Ashley? We don’t want to go through that again.” Finally, we voiced our fears to Cary.
“Don’t be afraid. I would never do that to you. I am not Lee. I am your dad and I will always love you as much as I love this new baby.” He patted my growing belly and reached out and hugged us. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. My love for you will never change. You will continue to be just as important to me even after we have this baby. I hope you will all trust me. You know you can count on me. Have you ever been disappointed in me since I married your mother?”
“No,” my children said as they all gathered around Cary.
“I can take that to the bank, right?” I laughed. The kids looked at him with tears in their eyes. He had convinced them history wouldn’t repeat itself.
When I was five months pregnant the doctors advised us to get an ultra sound. I had never had one with any of my other kids. “You and your husband can find out the gender of the baby if you want,” my doctor explained.
Cary and I looked at each other and shook our heads, “No, I never knew the gender of the other kids. We’ll wait and be surprised.”
The girls were excited to accompany us on the day of my test. It was fascinating to watch the baby kick and move around. After the test was over Kristy took seven-year-old Ashley to the bathroom. While walking back to the room she noticed the nurse looking at my ultra-sound pictures. “Tell me if I am going to have a little baby brother or sister. My parents don’t want to know but I can keep a secret.”
The nurse whispered in her ear.
Being thirty-nine, I often felt uncomfortable with my pregnancy but I still loved the feeling of the baby moving around inside of me and just being pregnant. Cary and I took a birthing class, and he was so supportive as I was going through labor. In the spring of 1994, three years after we were married, we welcomed our fifth and final child, Tyler David Lau Wheeland. I noticed the pride my husband felt as he cut the umbilical cord. Cary and I looked heavenward and thanked God for blessing us with a child of our own. We immediately called the other kids.
Kristy answered the phone. “We had the baby,” Cary said.
“You had a boy, didn’t you?”
“Yea, how did you know?”
Kristy confessed she had known since the ultra sound and had shared the news with her brothers, all the kids knew except Ashley. They had actually kept the secret from us.
For the first six weeks after Tyler was born, Cary set up his office downstairs in the dining room. I was fortunate to be able to spend much needed time with my new baby. He had his father’s nose and lips and my eyes—the bewitching eyes that his daddy was mesmerized with. Cary and the kids took over all the household chores. My husband treated me like a queen, something I had never experienced after childbirth. He drove the kids back and forth to school and made sure there was plenty of food in the house. He was never very good at cooking, but the kids helped out in the kitchen, and we had lots of delivered pizzas and take-out meals.
“I don’t want you to worry about anything. You just concentrate on the baby.”
“I sure appreciate the way you take care of us.” I expressed my heartfelt gratitude to Cary. Each day more gifts arrived from friends, family members, and my husband’s co-workers. I felt like it was Christmas in April, I even got to know the deliveryman on a first name basis.
Ashley had desperately wanted a little sister. But after spending time with the new baby she called him her little “brudder” and she adored him. When Tyler was old enough to talk she encouraged him to call her, ‘my other mama.’ Before he was born I had worried that my young daughter might be jealous because she wouldn’t be the baby anymore and she would have to get used to me sharing my attention. But my fears proved to be false as she developed a tight bond with her little brother that still exists today. She learned how to share, to be generous and to take care of someone else. Today Ashley has a special place in her heart for babies and toddlers. Could it that Tyler brought out the nurturing mother in her?
The other kids were excited to have a new little one in the family too. When Tyler was going through his terrible-twos and would throw tantrums in the grocery store, I’d tease my oldest son, who was twenty years older than him, “Discipline your son! He never acts like that with his Grandma.”
“He’s not my son, he’s my brother,” Jeremy would laugh.
After not having a little one for many years, I delighted in pushing Tyler in the baby stroller and hanging out at the park or the local library for story time. I didn’t have to work and he received my undivided attention. Although I still hated to see her go, having a little one made it a little easier when Ashley spent time with her dad. Since my older kids were all teenagers, I wasn’t needed as much by them.
Tyler was two when Cary and I had a serious discussion. “Darlin’ it has been five years since I promised you we’d move back to Colorado. Do you still want to go?”
“Well…” I paused, “I love it here and the kids do, too. Although I miss my mom and siblings more than I can say, I don’t think I want to go back. And come on, we are only thirty minutes from the nearest beach. We have Disneyland twenty minutes away and Knott’s Berry Farm ten minutes from us. Going to the mountains is less than a two-hour drive. We have everything we need right here. Honestly, I don’t think I could handle cold, freezing winters anymore. I do love the seasons but we are all spoiled by the year-round warm weather. God has been so good to us. I am truly happy. So, it looks like you’re off the hook. We’re not going anywhere.”
With that said, I knew in my soul that my heart belonged in California. We would never again return to live in Colorado.
The years went by and Tyler seemed to have endless energy from the time he woke up in the morning till his head hit the pillow at night. Along with his fierce independence and stubbornness he had a magnetic and charismatic personality and was extremely friendly, he loved talking to strangers.
As a toddler, Tyler would approach adults he didn’t know and start conversations with them. Frequently, I’d meet my oldest daughter at Starbucks after she moved out and Tyler would accompany me. Immediately, he’d seek out an unsuspecting stranger and thrust himself upon their quiet morning. “Mommy, can I go sit with that guy and drink my hot cocoa?” Taking his cup, he’d invite himself. “Can I visit with you? My mommy says it’s okay if you want company.” Nobody ever said no.
Watching from a few feet away, knowing my child was safe, I’d see the face of strangers light up as my four-year-old carried on a conversation with them. Tyler seemed to grow up faster than the other kids; after all he had so many adult role models in his life. With the huge age difference between our children we always had plenty of babysitters so Cary and I could still continue our date nights. When the older kids moved out one by one there were frequent visits, dinner dates, and phone calls.
One of the things we did early in our marriage was to join marriage and parenting groups at our church. Those early lessons only continued to unite us in one accord as we raised our family. As an added bonus, we made lifelong friends with the couples we met in our small groups.
Spending many Friday nights in the summertime at Huntington Beach, lighting a fire and grilling hotdogs and marshmallows was a favorite pastime. Listening to the waves smash against the shore, looking up and marveling at the twinkling stars in the sky, inspired fond memories. Through the years, we arranged birthday parties, cookouts, and Easter egg hunts. We took family vacations and attended attractions close by. We were fortunate to take trips to visit family members in Colorado, Arizona, North Carolina, Oregon, and Nebraska. Life was good!
The other kids continued to be a blessing as they managed to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. When they turned sixteen we taught them how to drive attended their soccer games, took photographs of their proms, and watched them graduate from high school. We tried to attend church as a family as often as we could. The family that prays together—stays together. Of course, we had our struggles as most families do, but for the most part the kids learned from their mistakes and felt secure in sharing the deepest part of their hearts with us, knowing that we loved them no matter what. Through it all we have remained close and continue to support each another.
Throughout the years Cary and I made sure we set aside time for each other. He always complimented me in front of the children. You could hear him say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful? You have such a great mom. Your mom is such a great cook, wasn’t dinner awesome!” How I loved hearing those words. His favorite pet name for me was goddess. We often prayed together and were able to talk about our thoughts and feelings. We were a constant source of encouragement for each other as well as for the kids. We trusted God to meet our individual needs so we could be free to accept and love each other unconditionally without trying to change the other. There were quite a few laughs in our home, we didn’t take ourselves too seriously and each of the kids
appreciated how easy-going Cary continued to be.
Cary was my best friend and I was his best friend. The kids never had to worry that we would divorce, that was the farthest thing from our minds.
“Cary, I appreciate the way you have loved my children all these years.” I often said.
“That is because they are Our children. You know, Deb, we have never struggled through what other blended families have, and I am truly grateful for that. You make my life easy and I appreciate you.”
“Thank you, and I value you and all you do for our family. You make my life easy. I’ve never had it so good.” I said as I reached over and planted a kiss on my husband’s lips.
Since the kids were getting older, Cary suggested I take time for my hobbies, which included gardening and writing. I had always wanted to be a writer and had put my pen and paper away many years before, after my first divorce. I believed I would never be good enough to write a book since I had not attended college. In spite of my doubts, my wonderful husband continued to encourage me to fulfill my dreams. One day I saw an ad in the newspaper offering a six-week writing course. I took the course and began writing about Tyler when he turned four. Writing short stories about his antics became a passion of mine. I also wrote inspirational stories depicting God’s answered prayers. I began to send several of my articles in to different magazines hoping to get them published. A few years after Tyler was born, I received a notice in the mail.
“Open it, Ashley. I’m too afraid to do it myself. I have already gotten so many rejection letters.”
Something About Those Eyes Page 30