Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  “I remember the day like it was yesterday. Julian and I were getting shit faced in our dorm, when Oscar, who you haven’t met, came to tell us about this new hot transfer. That she was a freshman and fresh pussy.” When she winces in my arms, I squeeze her hip, knowing that this is nothing and only gets worse. “He decided he was going to screw her sooner rather than later. Julian and I didn’t give a fuck because, frankly, we didn’t care. Oscar was good looking, but Julian and I got the most attention from the girls in school, so if she was that hot we knew she’d eventually sleep with one, or both of us,” I pause. “We were kind of assholes back then.

  “It didn’t work out that way because the next day I ran into her, and I mean body slammed into her. She dropped her folder and some books, I think, but I couldn’t tell you exactly what because the moment I saw her, I kind of fell in love with her. After we began dating…I mean, I was so crazy about her that I was afraid to hook up with her and have her think I was a man whore or something like that, so I asked her to be my girl. It wasn’t long after that we—” Hell, this is hard to say. I can feel how tense Cathy is, but I continue, “I was her first, and she was my last. We dated all through my junior and senior year at St. Patrick’s, and for half my time in college. I thought I loved her, and I was planning to propose to her once I was done with college and start Law School at Columbia. I figured my parents and her parents could help us out while we were both finishing school.”

  I have to take a deep breath, but as I exhale I realize that I don’t feel any pain. I’m about to tell her what happened next, how Ashley took my heart and ripped it to pieces. Before Cathy came into my life, just the memory alone had the power to make it hard to breathe, but as I stare into pools of rich green, I know I don’t feel anything anymore.

  I feel no pain.

  I feel no tightening in my chest.

  I feel healed.

  I feel whole.

  I feel love.

  “Go ahead.” She takes my hand in hers and brings it to her mouth, kissing it slowly.

  “We did the whole long distance relationship for two years. And it worked. I guess because she was still in high school and I was popular Ben playing college level football, and we were in love. Once she finished high school, I begged her to go to school with me, but she didn’t want to. She said she hated Florida and its hot weather. She chose NYU because she wanted to stay close to home. It made sense to me, you know.

  “Things went to hell half way through my junior year, her freshman year at NYU. On my way home for spring break, I decided to propose to her. As soon as I got home, I spoke to my parents. They were hesitant at first, but after I presented them a sound plan, they agreed. I spoke to Ashley’s father and he agreed. That same day, my dad took me to Van Cleef and Arpels on Fifth and I bought her an engagement ring. Since I was in the city already, I decided to surprise Ashley. I knew she had already made plans with a friend from out of town, but I didn’t care, I wanted to see her that day.”

  “Oh, Ben…”

  I can hear the hurt in her voice. Shit, she is hurting for me even when I’m telling her about another woman. I love her.

  “She had her own place in Gramercy Park, and I decided to surprise her with her favorite pink roses. I was twenty years old, stupid and idealistic.” I take a deep breath. “I was in the kitchen, opening a bottle of champagne, when I heard the door open. Hearing her giggles, I turned around just in time to see her jump Oscar. They had no idea I was standing there like a fucking asshole watching. Oscar walked them to her bedroom while they continued to make out. The room was across from the kitchen, so I saw the moment...the moment when he threw her body on the bed, scattering rose petals all over the room. That’s when they realized something was wrong. Ashley stood up immediately, turning to look at the fucking joke on the bed.”

  When Cathy gasps, I lean down and kiss her wet cheeks. She is crying for me.

  “I don’t remember exactly what happened after. All I know is that the security guards of the building were pulling me off of an unconscious Oscar. Everything after that is a blur…Ashley crying and asking me to forgive her…the police interrogating me…the lawyers...my mom crying…my dad threatening to sue Oscar’s parents…his parents threatening to sue me and end my career. I was broken. I was numb. And it hurt so much.”

  “Eventually, I got over it. I learned to forget, I guess, but I never forgave Ashley. We had been done for over two years the day I met you. You know, I thought I was doing better. I thought I was in a good place. Random hook ups here or there. Never a serious girlfriend after that. But the day I met you, something changed in me. I don’t believe in love at first sight anymore, but I can tell you that from the moment we kissed, I felt as if I had been awakened from a numbing stupor.” I link our fingers and stare at her creamy skin. “For the first time, in a very long time I felt alive.”

  I lean down as I bring my hand to the back of her neck, pulling her lips towards mine. Kissing, we lose track of time, our mouths sometimes gentle, sometimes brutal, but always with want.

  I’m now brushing soft kisses on her eyelids while I feel them tremble against my mouth. “My beautiful girl, you healed me. You made me believe in love again, and I love you. So fucking much. After a week of knowing you and spending time with you, I knew I was over Ashley. Completely. There was no doubt that you were my only, my reason to be. But seeing Ashley today, I was able to forgive her. To close that chapter in my life. What you saw was me letting go of the past, finally. There is no Ashley left in me, no part that wants her. I want you. All of you. And no one else.”

  Cathy moves on top of me. She grabs my face in between her hands as she kisses my lips once, twice…not enough times. Her touch lights up a match inside of me, making me burn brightly.

  Her kiss incinerates me.“Oh, Ben.”

  ****

  “You remind me of a bunny when...you know...”

  Feeling a smile tug at my lips, I watch as a happy and very naked Cathy opens her eyes, turning her face in my direction. With my head propped on the heel of my hand, I admire everything that is mine. I’ve spent the majority of the last half hour drawing shapes on her skin and tracing the goosebumps my touch rises on her skin.

  “Come again. You get it? Come again?”

  “You’re so silly. And, yes. I’m going to call you Benny The Bunny.”

  “What the hell?” I laugh.

  “Well, you’re cute like one and…”

  “And?”

  I can hear the laughter in her voice. “And you can keep going, and going, and going, and going…”

  “Ha. Wanna give my carrot a taste? They tell me they are good for your eyes,” I tease.

  I move on top of her, pinning her arms above her head, and watch the way her breasts rise and fall as her breathing accelerates. She’s so beautiful.

  With my need for her returning, I lower my fingers until I find my sweet spot. The spot I own. Guiding a finger inside her, I discover that she’s already wet and ready for me. Between moans, she tells me what she wants me to do, but where’s the fun in that? In a playful mood, I want to taunt her, so I tease her as I lower my head to lick her pink nipple. The tight bud feels like silk against my tongue. As my finger keeps moving inside her, going deeper and deeper, the heel of my palm applies pressure to her clit. Her moans get louder, and it makes my dick rock hard.

  “Ben, please...I need you…now. I-I can’t…”

  “What is it, baby? What can’t you do?”

  “I c-can’t wait any longer. I need…”

  “What do you need? Tell me.”

  “I need you.”

  “What do you need, baby? Say it.”

  “I-I…” Hearing her hesitation makes me want to push her over the cliff. And being the son of a bitch that I am, I do. I’m about to move off her, when she wraps her arms and legs around my shoulders and hips.

  Looking down at her, her shiny blonde hair making a golden halo on my pillow, I admire the full lips that hav
e driven me to fucking distraction every time I feel them on me. I also see the green eyes that make me lose my mind with desperation. I see perfection. I see beauty. I see my girl.

  I lift my body on one arm, taking the head of my dick and bring it to her warm core. “What do you need, Cathy? I want to hear you say it.”

  “I want you inside me, Ben. I need you inside me.”

  With one swift thrust, I’m deep inside her. The moment I feel her tighten around me, I don’t move. I can’t. I try to control every inch of my body that wants to go fucking wild and pound her hard.

  “Are you mine, Cathy?”

  Her face flushed, she nods. That’s not enough. I need to hear her say it.

  Pulling back just enough to leave the tip of my cock inside of her, I thrust into her, hard, almost as if I can push the words out of her mouth. “No. Say it. I want to hear you say it.”

  Dazed with passion, she looks at me with such open tenderness, making my throat tighten with emotion. “I’m yours. Only yours, Ben.”

  I slam into her. “Say it again. I want to hear you say it.”

  “I’m yours, Ben. I’m yours.”

  I can hear the bed frame rattle against the wall from the force of my thrusts, but I can’t stop. Her legs and arms pull me closer as if she’s trying to bring me inside of her. I move a hand to cup her where my dick is. “This belongs to me. Only me. You hear me? This is mine.” I can hear my voice hoarse from exertion.

  “Yes, Ben. Oh my God…”

  “Jesus, Cathy, so sweet. So fucking beautiful. I’m so close.”

  Slowing down, and then coming to a stop, we stare at each other as blinding awareness passes between our connected bodies.

  I know at this moment that there is no going back for me.

  I belong to her as much as she belongs to me.

  “I love you, Cathy.”

  “I love you.”

  ****

  Cathy

  I’m wearing a helmet and trying to find my balance on the stupid bicycle, but Ben isn’t helping at all. Instead, he just watches me with a stupid grin on his face.

  “Hello?” I exclaim. “Are you going to teach me, or are you just going to stand there watching me try to not to fall on my ass on this stupid thing?”

  He clears his throat. “Hell yes. I’ll teach you.” As he makes his way towards me, I adjust my ass, trying to find a good spot on the seat that makes the soreness in between my legs hurt less.

  “Jesus, Cathy.”

  “What? I can’t get myself comfy. The seat hurts me right there.” I groan. “This is so hard.”

  “Yes...something is getting hard alright.”

  “Stop it! You kept nagging me about learning to ride this stupid bicycle, but it’s not working. And now it looks like it’s going to start raining soon. We’re going to get wet,” I say frustrated with myself.

  “Yes, babe. You’re supposed to ride it wet.”

  “Are you seriously making dirty jokes at this moment?”

  “It’s not my fault! You keep wiggling that sweet ass of yours, and I’m only human.”

  The sky decides to open up at that moment, pouring rain falling down on us.

  Ben lifts his shoulders as he gives me an apologetic grin. “Sorry, Cathy. I tried.”

  “Come on, sicko, let’s go. You can teach me tomorrow.”

  We leave the bicycles in the shed where we found them. As we make a run for the house, Ben grabs me by the waist and lifts me up, spinning us as the rain falls. Laughing, we play in the rain, chasing each other, rolling on wet grass, being silly.

  So this is what being in love feels like. I can see why people think love is like a drug. You can’t get enough of it. You need more.

  When we are cold to the bone, Ben takes my hand in his and walks me back to the house. Our feet are making squashing sounds on the wet grass, and I probably look like a drowned rat, but I don’t care. I’m with him.

  “Hey, I have an idea.” Lifting my hand, he plants a kiss on it.

  “Yes?”

  “So that the day isn’t completely wasted because of the rain, maybe you could ride something else…” He grins at me as his maple brown eyes let me know exactly what he means.

  “Um...yes. Maybe.”

  “Christ, why the fuck are we still here and not in bed already?”

  “Not sure?” I laugh. I can’t really help myself around him. He makes me so damn happy.

  “I fucking love you, you know that? You stole my heart.”

  “Yes? Well, do you want it back?”

  “Fuck no!”

  “Let’s get out of here then.”

  “How the hell did I get so lucky?” he asks huskily.

  “Well, if you keep talking you won’t be getting lucky,” I tease him.

  Immediately, Ben lifts me up, throwing me over his shoulder as he starts to run towards the mansion. Once in the room, I proceed to show Ben that I may not know how to ride a bike, but I do know how to ride…

  Him.

  Chapter 12

  Present

  “Don’t do that, Dimples. It’s turning me on.”

  Dropping the pencil I was chewing not a minute ago, I look up from my seat behind the desk. Ah, Arsen. The tips of his blond hair still look damp from his shower. He’s wearing a crisp white shirt with no tie and an unbuttoned black suit jacket. As I look at Arsen and the way his clothes fit so effortlessly, I think he should be the poster boy for careless elegance. When I let my eyes roam over his body, I cannot picture my perfect Ben showing up to work dressed like this; he’s always clothed impeccably. However, Arsen makes it work.

  He really does.

  To hide my smile, I bend under the table to retrieve my pencil and hear him mutter something that I can’t quite catch. It makes me smile bigger. Some people would call what we’re doing flirting, but Arsen flirts with everyone and his off color jokes are really one of the highlights of my day.

  Once I sit back in my seat, his eyes soften when they land on my face.

  “How are you feeling, Dimples? Baby kicking yet?” Arsen asks as he half sits on the corner of my desk that’s closest to him, blue sincerity sparkling through his eyes.

  With my first trimester almost over, my barely there bump has begun to show a little. Really, if you weren’t paying close attention you wouldn’t be able to see it, but I can, and what’s even better is that I can feel it.

  I love it.

  I touch my belly for a moment and feel my smile grow wider as I remember Ben’s words this morning while we were in bed.

  Kiss, kiss, kiss.

  As I lie on my back pretending to be asleep, I feel Ben spreading soft kisses on my belly. I smile and open my eyes to observe my husband as he admires the small bump growing in me. Tingly and warm fuzzy feelings crowd my heart. There’s so much love in those eyes of his. So much hope.

  I watch him as he gently lowers his hand to touch it. “Hello there, little princess. This is your daddy wishing his beautiful girls a good morning.” His voice is husky from sleep and deep emotion.

  “How do you know it’s a girl? What if he’s a boy? Will you be disappointed?” I move my free hand to cover his.

  “Hmm. Good question. I don’t know why I think she’s a girl. I just do. Maybe I want to be surrounded by beautiful girls for the rest of my life.” He grins and moves to lie down next to me, kissing my shoulder as he pulls me within his embrace. “But I would never be disappointed if the baby is a boy because it’s part of you, part of me. It’s our baby. Your gift to me.”

  “I’m feeling great, thank you for asking, and it’s still too early to feel the baby kick. According to Dr. Pajaree, I won’t feel the baby move until I’m close to eighteen weeks.” I take a deep breath as I try to bury the panic and fear I feel every time I think about how close we are to the end of the first trimester. “I’m only ten weeks, so I still have a ways to go.” The light mood is gone, replaced by a gloomy silence. I don’t want to smile and tease Arsen anymore. I actu
ally don’t want to talk to anyone.

  I hate this fear.

  This uncertainty.

  I look away and stare at the computer screen. “Uh, Arsen, I think you should go back to your cubicle. The day just started, and we have a lot of work to do. Amy needs to go over some paperwork with me before she leaves on her trip next week. Would you mind getting back to work?” I say, rudely dismissing him.

  I don’t bother to look in his direction, so I assume that he has already left when he startles me by sitting on his hunches next to my seat. Spinning my chair to face him, he puts his hands on the armrests, blocking my exit.

  “Hey, hey. Catherine. Here, look at me. Talk to me.”

  I shake my head and stare down at my lap. “Arsen, please. Leave. I don’t want to talk to you, okay?”

  “No, it’s not fucking okay. Something is obviously bothering you. I want to know what it is so I can help. Want me to call Amy?” He pauses for a moment while he considers his next word carefully. “Ben?”

  “No. It’s nothing, and I am fine. Please, just get your work done.”

  He seems to accept my answer, and I’m about to breathe a sigh of relief thinking that he’s given up.

  “No. I know you. I won’t leave this place until you tell me what’s the matter.”

  Looking up, I notice the stubborn expression in his face. It reminds me of a determined young boy trying to build his first tower of Legos. I lower my gaze to my lap once more to avoid staring at him.

  “Just back off, okay?” My voice is desperate now. I’m trying to hold back the angry tears I feel growing at the back of my throat. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, or if I’ve just lost my mind. At times I can be so happy, then something triggers a memory of my past miscarriages to resurface, and I’m enveloped in darkness once more. Anger is always there, waiting to bring me down with heavy chains of fear.

  “Look at me, Catherine. Please look at me—”

  “Good morning! Oh, Arsen…I didn’t see you there. Cathy?” Arsen and I turn to face Amy at the same time. She’s standing there, holding two cups of Starbucks coffee in her hands. The odd expression in her face lets me know that whatever was going on between Arsen and me must look worse than it actually is. I disregard Arsen, push his hands off the armrests, and stand.