Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  After I’ve made my way around the desk, I grab the coffee that Amy brought for me and guide her towards her office. She shoots me a look loaded with questions, but I ignore them. I don’t want to talk about it.

  It’s not what she thinks.

  As we are about to cross the threshold of her office, I hear a frustrated groan escape Arsen. I turn around and watch him stand up, shaking the dust off his clothes and straightening his pants. When our eyes meet, I don’t know if I see compassion in his eyes or sympathy, but it makes me feel like shit for treating him so badly. Quickly, I tell Amy to go ahead because I forgot to get something from my desk. Halfway there, Arsen makes his way to stand in front of me.

  “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that,” I say.

  “This isn’t over, Dimples. I’m taking you out for lunch, and you’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on with you. One moment you’re happy, smiling and looking so damn pretty. The next, we talk about your baby and you’re gone, replaced by a bitch, and I don’t like it. You’re going to tell me what is the matter. I thought that was our deal, you talk, I listen, no bullshit. And I won’t take no for an answer, so don’t even think about it.”

  His eyes…

  The way they are looking at me now makes me want to tell him all my fears. They make me believe that he can be a friend who will listen to me and not tell me that everything will be fine. That he’ll understand what it’s like to have such consuming fear that it will destroy you; what I can’t share with Ben. I feel my heartbeat speed up as I nod.

  I’ll take a chance on Arsen.

  “It’s the baby…I’m so scared. The date is coming up, a-and what if something happens again?” I whisper.

  “Fucking hell. We gotta talk about this. Meet me for lunch?” he asks as he rubs my arms tenderly.

  “I can’t. I’m meeting Ben for lunch, but we could talk after work?”

  “Tell him you’re busy. Say that a lunch meeting came up.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Dimples, it’s just lunch. It won’t kill him to eat on his own.”

  “No, no, no. It’s not that. I just don’t feel comfortable lying to him.”

  I don’t. I have never lied to him.

  “Then forget it,” he says as he begins to walk away from me.

  As I watch Arsen leave, I realize that I don’t want him to. I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. He’s the only person I can do that with.

  “Wait!”

  Arsen turns around. “Yes, Dimples?”

  “I’ll call Ben…”

  “So we have a date?” A slow grin appears on his face, blinding me with his beauty.

  “Not a date. Lunch,” I clarify.

  “Fucking awesome. I have the best place to take you to.”

  “Nowhere fancy, please. I-I just want to talk…”

  “No worries, beautiful. I can eat for the two of us.” A winsome smile appears on his face, making him appear so much younger than he is.

  “Whatever. Get your ass to work now. Or I will tell your father that you flirt with the interns and old married ladies like me.”

  He pins me down with blue liquid fire again. “They love it. And so do you, but watch it. Smiling at me like that may give you more wrinkles than you already have.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Only for you, Dimples,” he says, grinning.

  Inside Amy’s office, I close the door behind me and watch her going over some paperwork. It’s not until I make my way to her desk that I realize that I’m still smiling.

  ****

  When Amy looks up from her seat, she watches me as I sit in one of the free chairs facing her desk.

  I smile at her. “Good morning, dear. Thank you for the coffee.”

  After a pause, Amy decides to go for the kill. “Cathy, what is going on between you and Arsen? I hope I didn’t walk in on anything that I would so do with that boy. You know, because I’m not married and you are…” She lets the last words hang in the air.

  As if I didn’t know that.

  As if I would cheat on Ben.

  “Seriously, Amy? You really think I would do something like that? Cheat on my husband, a husband who I love? Arsen and I are only friends. And he’s younger than me on top of everything. Besides, you forget that he’s been dating that actress from that t.v. show. Melissa something.”

  Amy listens to me while considering her answer. “I know you wouldn’t. At least, I hope you wouldn’t. Ben adores you. It’s just that…I don’t know. The way Arsen was looking at you made me feel very uncomfortable. He was looking at you as if…well, I’m not sure, but let me tell you something. It did not look friendly at all. And he is not that young, Cathy. He is twenty five.”

  “Twenty four,” I interrupt her.

  She shoots me a questioning glance. “Whatever. He could be eighteen and still be very dangerous. He’s just so fuckable and gorgeous. An excellent combination to find in a man when you’re single. Listen, Cathy, I don’t want to sound accusatory or anything. Just be careful with him, okay? I’ve been there and done that. It always starts as a fun way to pass the time, light banter, innocent flirting…until it is not.”

  I’m about to protest when Amy lifts a staying hand, not letting me continue. “No, Cathy. It’s not my business, so you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m your friend, and because of that I’m warning you…just in case.”

  As much as I want to disregard her words as nonsense and throw them back in her face, I know she’s not totally unfounded. Remembering the restaurant incident, I can’t deny she’s somehow right. It happened, but it’s all in the past. Arsen hasn’t made a move on me since he told me he wouldn’t. And he flirts and teases every woman in the office.

  No, she’s wrong.

  “I know I don’t owe you any explanations, but I don’t want you to think badly of him either. He’s a good guy. What you saw earlier in the morning was Arsen trying to comfort me, to get me to talk to him.” I twist my fingers. “He was asking me about the baby, and something he said, or maybe I said it, but it made me realize how close I am to the end of my first trimester. A-And it always happens right around this time. Talking about it with Arsen brought on one of my dark moods. He was just trying to figure out what happened.”

  As the words leave my mouth, I know they are true. Nothing more than a concerned friend comforting another friend.

  “Oh, Cathy! I’m such a cow. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. I just saw Arsen practically caging you in your seat looking at you with such intensity that I jumped to conclusions.” She stands up, makes her way to my seat, and hugs me.

  “It’s okay, you silly woman. I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold your tongue. It was a matter of time. And I wouldn’t explain myself to you if I had something to hide. Besides, Arsen doesn’t deserve your suspicions. He’s a good guy.”

  Amy lets go and moves to sit next to me. She reaches over our seats to hold my hand in hers. “I know he’s a good guy. He’s actually quite sweet, but I just don’t trust him. Sometimes, when he thinks no one is watching him I notice the way he looks at you.”

  “What do you mean? He doesn’t look at me any differently that he looks at you,” I say.

  She grows quiet before speaking once more. “You know what? Forget I said anything…I must be imagining things.”

  “But.”

  “But nothing. Enough about him. I’m sure it’s all in my imagination. Tell me, love, how are you feeling? I bet Ben is over the moon!”

  With one of my hands in hers, I cover my stomach with my free hand, tenderly stroking the small piece of heaven inside me. “We’re okay. Ben is, as always, the rock I need to lean on when the going gets rough. I mean, so far this pregnancy has been super easy, but there are times when this choking fear that I will lose the baby paralyzes me. And it comes out of nowhere most of the time.

  “Amy, sometimes, I get these panic attacks and I cry. I can’t stop crying. I’m so afraid, but
Ben is always there to clean my tears, hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect husband. I don’t know what I would do without him. I love him so much.” My chest tightens at the thought of his support. How can someone be worthy of such a man as my husband? I don’t think I will ever be.

  “I’m glad you have Ben, babe. I’m glad you’re at a better place in your marriage.”

  Amy is silent for a moment. “Cathy, I don’t want to be negative, and I know what Dr. Pajaree has told you, but have you, um, considered what will happen if you, um, have another miscarriage?”

  I have. It would destroy me.

  Completely.

  “Yes. We’ll be okay. Dr. Pajaree told us not to think about baby names yet, so in a way I’m kind of prepared if it happens again,” I lie.

  I’m not prepared for it to happen a fourth time.

  I am not.

  It would be the end.

  ****

  While I wait for Arsen to finish up with work, I give Ben a quick call. To be honest, I waited until the last minute because I wasn’t sure whether I was going to go through with it. I know it’s just lunch, but lying to Ben about Arsen makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I’m hiding something from him, which I’m not. But the nagging feeling is there.

  After one ringtone, Ben answers.

  “Babe.”

  I swallow hard as I rub my free hand on my black skirt, wiping the sweat away. “Ben, baby, I-I have to cancel lunch today. Amy said that Bruno wants to have a lunch meeting with the two of us.”

  “That’s perfect. I was about to give you a call to let you know that I wasn’t going to make it. Micky needs me to go over some files with him. Raincheck, wife?”

  “Oh, yes. That’s great. I don’t feel so bad anymore.” And I don’t. “I thought you were going to get stuck eating by yourself.”

  “I planned on having my wife for lunch, but…”

  “Ben!” I exclaim.

  Ben chuckles. “It’s alright, babe. Kerry is bringing us lunch.”

  “Is she the new intern you always talk about?” I ask.

  I’m curious because about two weeks ago when I met Ben at his office, I saw a beautiful auburn haired girl talking to him, and the way she was looking at him implied deep admiration. I kind of got the feeling that she had a crush on him.

  “Yes. Graduated from Columbia Law as well. I like her. She’s a nice girl and learns fast. Anyway, how about I take you to our Thai place for dinner to make it up to you?”

  “Sure.”

  “Oh, before I forget. I heard from Julian.”

  “That’s lovely! How is he doing? Is LA treating him well?”

  “He told me he met someone and—”

  “Are you ready to go?” I hear Arsen ask.

  I look up from my desk to see Arsen standing in front of me without his suit jacket, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up at the elbows. His blond hair, a mess, is pointing in all directions. It looks like he’s been tugging it.

  “Who is that?” Ben asks on the other line.

  “Oh, that’s Arsen, Bruno’s son. He’s here to let me know that the meeting is about to begin. I-I’ve got to go.” The lie rolls off my tongue.

  “I’ve got to go as well. I’ll see you later.”

  “Wait!” I say, stopping Ben from hanging up. I turn to look at Arsen as he slowly lifts the frame with my wedding picture in it and holds it in his hand, an indecipherable air surrounding him as he examines the picture.

  “Yes?” Ben asks.

  I want to tell him that there’s no lunch meeting, but I don’t. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, babe. Always.”

  After I hang up, I watch Arsen tracing the photograph with his thumb.

  “Please tell me this isn’t your husband. You’re too beautiful for him,” Arsen says as he puts the picture back on my desk.

  Dismissing his commentary as a joke, I ask, “So where are you taking me?”

  “It’s a surprise. I told Amy that we need the whole afternoon off, though.”

  “What? No! I have so much work to do.”

  “It’s fine. I kinda told her you had an appointment with your doctor and that I was going to take you there.”

  “Arsen! Those are more lies!”

  “Chill. It’ll be fun. It’s just one afternoon. It won’t kill anyone.”

  “What am I going to tell Ben?”

  “He doesn’t have to know. And what the fuck? I’m just taking you out to eat. You can go home after we’re done. No harm done.”

  “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

  And really, what’s the harm in it?

  Chapter 13

  “Your apartment is empty, Arsen. Do you ever do anything else other than sleep in here?” I say as I sit down in his black leather couch.

  At first, when I found out he was bringing me back to his place, I was uncomfortable with the idea. But upon closer examination, I didn’t think this

  was any different from spending time with him alone in his apartment than in my office after everyone had already left for the day while we worked on projects. And it wasn’t like he was some random stranger. He was Arsen. My friend. And I needed to talk to him before this fear made me lose my mind completely.

  “Nah, no point.” Since he has forbidden me to go to the kitchen with him and watch him cook, I wait in his living room. He wants it to be a surprise.

  “Hey, are you still seeing Melissa Stewart?”

  He laughs. “Yes and no. We’re fucking, but I’m not sure about how serious she is, though. I kinda get the feeling that she’s cheating on me.”

  “Arsen, you’re cheating on her too. I saw that beautiful brunette come and meet you after work yesterday.” Seriously. I think I’ve seen more girls parade through our lobby since Arsen began working there than ever before.

  “Melissa can be cool sometimes. She knows she’s gorgeous and,” he opens the oven door and inserts the surprise meal, “In all honesty, she could probably do much better than me.”

  “I don’t think so,” I say, offended for Arsen. “I think you could be a great catch if you decided to settle on someone.”

  Quiet for a second, Arsen grabs a bottled water and a beer, then makes his way to the couch. After handing me the drink, he watches me carefully. “I was serious about someone a long time ago. It didn’t work out.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Her name was Jessica. I thought she was the love of my life.”

  “What happened?”

  “Real life happened,” Arsen shrugs, taking a swig of his beer.

  “What do you mean?” I ask as I play with the cool plastic in my hands.

  “She died.” A shadow crosses his eyes, and for a moment he looks lost and sad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that.

  “I’m so sorry…”

  “It’s cool. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?” he asks dismissively.

  “Okay.”

  “So, tell me, what was that back at the office? You seriously threw some crazy mixed signals. One moment you were laughing and talking about the baby, and the next you turned into this cold person. Not my Dimples.”

  I want to say that I’m not his Dimples, but I let it go.

  “It’s just…the first trimester is almost over, and that’s when bad things happen.” I open the bottle and take a small sip of water. “It’s just too much. Sometimes I get these panic attacks. That’s what you saw today.”

  “Jesus.” Arsen puts the beer bottle on his coffee table and sits next to me. “Listen, Dimples…I’ve been through hell and back. I know what it’s like to lose what you love the most, but life goes on, and you must not lose hope, you know? Without hope, living can become a fucking nightmare. So, be positive that this pregnancy will work out. And if it doesn’t, well, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be.”

  “What are you trying to say? That I’m not meant to be a mother?” I ask hurt.


  “Fuck, no. You deserve the same kind of happiness as every woman. But what I’m trying to say is that life has a way to sort itself out. Just have faith.”

  Sighing, I rest my head on his shoulder. Suddenly I’m so tired. “It’s more easily said than done, Arsen. It’s just so hard. And…I’m not—”

  “Yes?” Arsen prompts me.

  “I’m not sure my marriage can handle anything going wrong. It’s been very tough on us. I can’t talk to Ben about it because he just dismisses it and,” I pause when I feel his arm wrap around my own shoulders, “sometimes it’s just hard.”

  Arsen leans down and rests his head on top of mine. I want to move away, but I’m too tired and I like his warmth. It’s comforting.

  “Go on. I’m listening.”

  I sigh. “It’s been better between us, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just worried about the baby. It’s overwhelming not being able to be at peace. To be constantly worrying.” I rub my hands on my skirt. “I have nightmares that I lose the baby and I wake up crying in the middle of the night.”

  “Ben doesn’t wake up?” Arsen sounds angry.

  “No. I mean, he could, but I usually just go to the bathroom and shut myself inside until I’ve calmed down.”

  “Fuck, Catherine, that’s bullshit. You should tell Ben. You shouldn’t suffer in silence like that. It can’t be good for the baby or you.”

  “No, it’s okay. And I would rather not bother Ben. I’ve tried talking to him before, but he thinks I’m being too negative, so I just don’t talk to him about it anymore.”

  “That’s fucking stupid.”

  “Hey, don’t be angry. I’m seriously okay. Besides, it’s my fault if Ben doesn’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t tell him anything. I’ve learned to hide it.”

  “I don’t give a shit about that. I’m just your co-worker, your friend, and I knew something was up. He’s your husband. He should be able to tell.”

  “No. Please, stop that. Ben is perfect, he’s the best husband a woman could ask for.”