Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  “And…I think I’ve been a little mad at you too. I was angry that you didn’t like me back and then all this happened. I know it’s crazy, but I thought if you’d been with me, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m mad at you.”

  “Oh. Well, why did you call to apologize?”

  “I can’t stay mad at you. You were right to be upset with me. I’m sorry I was such a jerk.”

  “You’re not a jerk…well, not a complete jerk.”

  Thomas laughs. “Yes, I have been. Look at me, Caroline.” He tips my face up to his. “I’m sorry I didn’t look at you the other night. I don’t know how to make this better. I feel so bad about what happened to you. I want to kill those guys, I’m so angry. I wish I could make it all go away.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I know and I hate it. I hate what they did to you.”

  He picks up a stone and hurls it across the water. He turns around to look at me again.

  “I’m glad you asked me to come. Is everything…are you feeling all right?”

  I take a deep breath and look out at the water. “I don’t know. Everything is so messed up. I don’t know how anything will ever be right again. I had to get out of the house—fight with my mother.”

  I wince thinking about the horrible things she said…and the fact that she slapped me. I don’t know how to get past that.

  Thomas notices my wince and waits for me to say more.

  “When I picked up the phone to call Nellie, you were already on the line. It helps that you have a car.” I thump his arm, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Hey! So that’s all I’m good for, huh, a car?” He softly thumps me back.

  “Pretty much.”

  “Well, now I know where I stand.”

  “Yeah, about that. You were just making me nervous…with the whole persistent thing. I needed a friend. I need a friend.”

  “I can do that. Well, as much as I can be since you’re moving about a thousand miles away.”

  “Oh yeah,” I sigh, “that might be a problem.”

  ***

  We sit there in playful conversation for a while, feeling more comfortable around each other than we have in a while. My stomach growls and Thomas smiles over at me.

  “How about we go to Harriet’s? They would be so happy to see you there.”

  I bite the inside of my jaw until it stings. “Well, I would love to see Ruby and Miss Sue. Maybe Miss Greener will even be there…this is her day to go to Harriet’s.”

  I’m nervous, but when we arrive, all my favorite customers are there. I’m bombarded with hugs and greetings before we sit down. Ruby comes out of the kitchen when she hears I’m there.

  “Well, as I live and breathe. You grow another foot since a few days ago?” she says as I stand up to hug her.

  “Hi, Ruby.” I can’t stop hugging her.

  “You look good, sugar. You feelin’ any better?” Her eyes search mine.

  I nod.

  “I been so worried about you…and missin’ you. I got attached to seeing you every day.”

  “I’ve missed you too.” I hug her again. “Are you going to write to me, Ruby?”

  “Girl, you gon’ be piled up with letters. You know I ain’t got no life ‘sides Harriet’s.” She beams at me with those beautiful white teeth and it takes my breath away.

  “I can’t stand to leave you, Ruby.” I hug her again and the tears fall.

  “Oh honey, I know, I can’t even think about it…let’s not start all this ballyhoo ‘fore you even eatin’.” She lifts my shoulders back and pats my hair. “Now, I got just the thing for you…”

  She cooks a feast for us, and we eat every bite. Delicious fried chicken with sweet potato casserole and collard greens. While we’re eating, Leroy’s brother, Tuck, walks in. The restaurant goes still. I feel all eyes on the two of us while he walks to the counter. He turns around and sets eyes on me. He saunters over, looking more like Leroy now.

  He leans over into my ear, but talks loud enough for those close to hear him.

  “You need to call the police off my brother and Les. Tell ‘em what really happened…you makin’ up stories tryin’ to get attention. You need to call the dogs off ‘em.”

  Thomas and a few other men jump up and pin Tuck to the wall. He raises his hands and they walk him outside. Before he’s outside, he yells, “This ain’t fair. You know it’s just ‘cause she’s white. She says whatever she wants and you take her word for it. My brother didn’t touch her.”

  My breathing becomes shallow. If I could just catch one good breath. Panic. I shake and sweat and the room goes black. When I open my eyes, I’m in an ambulance with oxygen on my nose and mouth. They ask me a bunch of questions, and I feel silly for even being here.

  I’m wheeled into a room and Dr. Niles finds me. “What are you doing back here? I thought we’d gotten rid of you,” he says lightly, peering into my eyes with a flashlight.

  “I’m fine. I don’t need to be here.”

  “Really. Well, I hear you passed out.”

  “I just couldn’t breathe well for a minute there…”

  “Well, let’s find out what that’s about.”

  He asks tons of questions and runs a scan. Everything looks normal. The next time he comes in, he talks to me in a soft, kind voice. His tone suggests he’s doing everything he can to keep from upsetting me. He also gives me a new medication and says I need to stay on it for a few months. I tell him I’m leaving Tulma, and he says to find a good doctor in San Antonio. I get the feeling he means a psychiatrist.

  When he leaves, my mother comes in the room. She comes timidly to the bed and puts her hand on the sheets.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Fine.”

  “Dr. Niles says you can go home if you’d like.”

  “I don’t want to go back there. I can’t stay in that house. Just going down the road…it’s too hard. I can’t stop seeing…”

  She wrings her hands. “We’re leaving tomorrow morning, Caroline. It’s just one more night.”

  “I have to see Sadie and Isaiah before I go.”

  Her eyes stare at me with steel. “You know where I stand on that.”

  “It’s the only way I’ll go anywhere with you.”

  Chapter 15

  Goodbye

  As I walk up the driveway, I see Sadie washing dishes through the window. My mother sits in the car and when Isaiah opens the front door, she drives away. Before I got out of the car, she said I had fifteen minutes to say everything I want to say. She’ll be back in fifteen minutes on the dot. She can wait until hell freezes over, as far as I’m concerned.

  My hands begin to shake when I see Isaiah. If he’s surprised, he doesn’t show it. His eyes slowly take me in, and he moves toward me as if he might hug me but then stops himself.

  He says, “Hello, Caroline,” and it’s then that I hear the slight tremor in his voice, letting me know he isn’t as calm as he appears. I step inside. Instantly, I’ve entered a warm haven. I’ve always wanted to be right here.

  The room is small, but inviting. Quilts layer the couch and chair; the colors dark plum and green. On a hutch, a couple of Francie and Crissy dolls stand in glamorous pink outfits. It makes me smile that Sadie has these. I have the white versions at home.

  Pictures of Isaiah at all ages line the wall. One particularly endearing photo is of him around two years old, holding a bunny. His eyes stood out even then; a light brown with flecks of green. He was one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen.

  “Caroline, it’s lovely to see you. We’ve been thinking about you ‘round the clock.” Sadie gives me a hug before getting ice tea for the three of us. We sit down in the living room.

  “We’ve been staying close to home since you got out of the hospital, just in case you called,” Isaiah says. “Mama heard you were…leaving soon and we were hoping you would…call before you left-” His voice breaks and he shakes his head. “I was scared you wouldn’t, but Mama sa
id you would.”

  “I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. We’re leaving in the morning.”

  The lump in my throat is growing, and I will it to go away. It doesn’t.

  “We’re so glad you came, honey. I’ve wished I could come see about you, but have tried to let you get settled back in at home. We’ve been so worried. You look so much better. I know you must still be in a lot of pain.” Sadie dabs her eyes with a tissue and then hands me one as my eyes begin spilling over. “Oh honey.”

  She holds me close, and I try to get a grip. “Is there anything we can do to help, Caroline?”

  “You’ve done so much. It’s been a long couple of days. I saw Leroy’s brother, Tuck, today and passed out—woke up in an ambulance.”

  Sadie keeps her arm around me.

  “I’m fine now. I had a fight with my mother. I asked her to bring me to see you. I told her-” I look at Isaiah. “I told her about us.”

  I look at Sadie then to see if she knows what we’re talking about. She doesn’t seem surprised.

  “I mean…I know we’re not talking anymore or anything, but I still…well, you know…I still needed to see you.”

  “Caroline…”

  I can’t look at him. The anguish in his voice is so thick I know it will haunt me.

  “I’m so sorry,” Isaiah says. His face is in his hands, and his voice sounds muffled. “This is all my fault.” He looks up at me then, and says urgently, “Caroline, please. I don’t know how you can, but please forgive me. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you. I could have kept this from happening if I’d been there for you. Please don’t leave. I’ll make it up to you. I will never let anything bad happen to you again. I…I promise you I won’t…”

  We’re both crying. Sadie just keeps handing both of us tissues as we need it. The anger I felt toward him earlier has completely faded.

  “This is not your fault, Isaiah. There’s nothing you could have done. You can’t watch over me twenty-four hours a day. I’m not your responsibility.”

  “You are. You’re everything to me, Caroline. Everything.”

  I look at Sadie again, a little embarrassed that she’s hearing us talk like this. She doesn’t seem bothered, so I relax a little. She smiles at me and pats my face.

  “You’re mighty special to my boy, honey. I’m gonna leave the two of you alone for a few minutes. Say what you need to say. Your mama is probably gonna be here any minute.” She gets up and goes into the kitchen and begins washing the dishes.

  I look over at Isaiah and he leans forward, his elbows on his knees. I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I love him. I try to memorize the way he looks at me. The way his lips tilt up when they see me. The way his eyes crinkle when he laughs at something I say. The way his eyes turn a darker shade of beautiful when he cries. I will love him until the day I die. I know this.

  “I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk to you at first. It was just too…awful. And I was angry with you…so angry. I never thought you’d walk away…”

  “I’ll never forgive myself for that, Caroline.” He comes over to where I’m sitting and sits on his knees, taking my hands in his.

  “When you came to the hospital, I was so humiliated that you knew. I can’t believe it, really—I can’t believe that any of it happened. But it did and it’s not your fault…”

  “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. If anything, I love you more,” he whispers.

  I feel my face go hot with those words. I lean my head down and touch my forehead to his.

  “But Isaiah, you know—you said yourself it’ll never work. You were right. Look at all the trouble we’ve caused. There’s no way we can ever make it. They’ll kill us first.”

  He shakes his head. “I’ll kill them first.”

  “No. Isaiah, look at me. No. They’re not worth it. You can’t waste your life going to jail because of them. Please tell me you won’t do anything crazy.” I lift his chin up and force him to look me in the eyes. “Promise me.”

  “I’m not going to let anyone hurt you ever again.”

  Fear clenches my heart. I’m afraid of what he’ll do. I know he means he’ll kill them if he has to. Mama’s right. I have to leave. He can’t worry about protecting me. The best thing would be for him to forget all about me and have a nice, safe life. He can’t do that if I stay here.

  I look outside and it’s dark. My mom is sitting out front, and I’m sure she’s been out there for a long time. She’s too afraid someone will notice her, so she doesn’t honk or come to the door.

  “I have to go, Isaiah.”

  “No, Caroline, please. Stay with us—we’ll have supper. We can take you home. I’m afraid—I’m afraid if you go out that door, I’ll never see you again.”

  I touch his face and lean over and kiss him, our salty tears mixing in with the kiss.

  “I love you, Isaiah. I always will.”

  “Caroline, you can’t go. I love you too. You belong here with me.”

  “I wish I did, Isaiah. You know I do. You don’t belong to me, though. I wish you were mine, but you’re not and you never will be. There is nowhere we could go that would accept us. I want you to have a good life.”

  “I will only have a good life if you’re in it.”

  I stand up, knowing that I can’t convince him tonight. He’ll come to this conclusion when I’m gone. He’s known before that we couldn’t survive together; he’ll know it again.

  “Sadie, I have to go now. My mom is here.”

  Isaiah stands up and has his arm on my back. His face is panicked. I feel calmer than I have in weeks. I know what I have to do.

  Sadie comes out of the kitchen and hugs me. “If you ever need us, honey, you just say the word. We will come wherever you are. Write us; call anytime. I hope you’ll stay in touch. And hopefully, when those boys are caught, you can come back.”

  I nod, not trusting my voice.

  I hug Isaiah, hard and tight. I try to pull back and he doesn’t let go. I give in to the embrace for a moment longer and then pull away again. This time he lets me go.

  “Caroline, I nearly forgot…stay right there one more minute.”

  Isaiah goes in his room and comes back with a small box. He hands it to me and watches as I lift the lid. Inside is my “C” necklace.

  “I thought this was gone for good,” I whisper.

  “I found it that night…got a new chain for it. Want me to put it on you?”

  “Yes. Thank you, Isaiah. So much.”

  He lifts the necklace out and it takes him a minute to get the clasp closed. When he’s done, his fingers linger on the back of my neck.

  He puts his arms around me and I close my eyes, savoring this one last moment. And then I move away before I’m unable to leave him at all.

  “I can never thank you enough for saving my life. Words just sound silly when I try to tell you what you both mean to me…”

  I turn to the door and look back at them one more time, my eyes settling on Isaiah. He looks back at me with defeat and despair.

  This time I’m the one who walks out of the door and out of his life. Now I know how awful he felt.

  ****

  Not a word is spoken all the way home. I cringe when we pull down the road toward our house, but I made a deal. I’ll stay here one more night, and then I’ll never have to be here again. I feel nothing but hatred in my house, especially with my mother there. Everything and everyone in this house has let me down.

  Miss Greener and George come over for a brief goodbye. Nellie and Grandpaw also come and stay for most of the evening. If anyone notices that my mother and I are not speaking, no one lets on. Nellie is weepy at the thought of us leaving, and I’m spent with all the emotion.

  By the end of the night, I’m numb. I’ve cried more tears than I thought possible and cannot believe that I’m crying more as I lie in my bed, trying to sleep. The thought of not seeing my friends and grandparents on a regular basis is terrifying and heartbr
eaking. I’ve never even visited anywhere more than a hundred miles south. Good or bad, Tulma is mine, and I am inconsolable at the thought of leaving.

  Crying just makes my ribs feel worse. I take some medicine and fall asleep with a wet pillow and heavy heart. I jerk awake some time later, groggy but awake. It can’t be too late, maybe midnight. I know immediately that I’m not alone. I sit up in bed. There’s a breeze coming from my window. It wasn’t open before I went to bed. I always keep that window locked. As I reach for the lamp, my hands are yanked to each side of the bed.

  I try to say something, but I can’t speak, my voice is frozen somewhere down deep in my throat. I cry; I struggle. My wrists are tied to the bed with a heavy rope. I begin kicking and my feet are strapped down. Stretched out like an X.

  They’re here with me. Here in my room, not saying a word. Just getting ready to teach me another lesson. I begin to cry out just as my mouth is covered with a heavy cloth. It’s too dark to see anything, but I hear them. Their ragged breath. Breathing hard from strapping me down. I vomit, but it has nowhere to go but back down.

  He leans in, his breath hot and smelly. With a soft snarl, he says, “You call your little friends off me, you hear me? I don’t want another visit from the Klan crazies, do you hear me? You should have died already, and now you’re causin’ me all this trouble. Listen, I will still hunt you down and kill you if I have to. I ain’t afraid of them. And I sho ain’t gonna let some little white bitch spread lies about me. I don’t care how good you is at this. You got that? So change the little story you been tellin’. You want it as much as I do.”

  I nod my head. Whatever you say. Leave me alone and I’ll do whatever you say.

  I would know it’s Leroy even if he hadn’t spoken, by the weight of him. He’s on top of me now and all the thoughts I had of killing him seem futile now. I’m paralyzed with fear.

  You good for nothing coward. What are you going to do? Play dead and let him do it again? What’s wrong with you?

  I find my voice and begin yelling. It sounds muffled through the cloth, but I just yell louder. And louder. The realization hits me suddenly that my knees are free. I knee him in the groin, and it makes him mad. He punches me in the stomach with one hand and yanks my hair with the other. I butt my head into his, ramming it with a loud thwack. So much for getting over that concussion. It would be worth it to have another if I can hurt him.