Bent not Broken

by Lisa De Jong

  A sound in the other room startles him.

  “Caroline?” My mother is coming. Oh, thank God. Please come in, Mama. Please find me.

  Leroy curses and rolls off of me. My eyes are adjusted to the dark now, and Les is by my window. He sounds scared. “Let’s go. Someone comin’ down the road. Come on! We gotta get outta here!”

  Leroy pauses, but hears my mother again. They raise my window and jump out. The room goes quiet. I’m going to be sick again. I moan as loud as I can through the cloth. Please, Mama, hear me.

  She opens the door and a beam of light fills the room. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Caroline. What happened?” She pulls the rag off my mouth and I vomit on the bed. She unties the ropes on my hands and feet. I curl up in a ball.

  “Are they still here, Caroline?” She looks out the window and runs to get the phone. I hear her saying, “I thought I heard something and when I went in her room, she was tied up, and her window was open. The latch was broken on the window. I don’t know. Yeah. It just happened. Okay. Please. Yes…”

  She comes back in and I’m not sure what happened next. I remember her taking me to Nellie’s and putting me in the bath there. Someone held me all night, I don’t know if it was Grandpaw, Nellie, or my mother. Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Grandpaw came in the room.

  “It’s time, Caroline. Let’s get you in the car. I love you, sweet child. Everything’s gonna be all right. We’re gonna take care of it all.”

  I’m groggy and every inch of me is sore. Grandpaw carries me to the car, he and Nellie kiss me goodbye, and we leave Tulma for good.

  Chapter 16

  New

  When I wake up, I’m alone in the car, parked in front of a weathered apartment building. I rub my eyes, and my puffy lids burn long after I’ve stopped rubbing. I try to figure out where we are. I have no sense of how long we were driving. The sun is shining brightly into the passenger side window. I’m hot and sticky and my mouth feels like sandpaper. My throat is positive it hasn’t had a drink in years.

  The windows are cracked but aren’t letting in much air. I roll down the window more and look around. A little blonde girl runs outside and is flying her doll in the air. She doesn’t notice me in the car. I watch her carefree play and envy her innocence. There are very few cars in the parking lot. Amsterdam Villas is written in curly letters on a large sign in front of the office. I open the door to see if I can cool off, and my mom walks out of the apartment closest to the office.

  She closes the door behind her, and it barely shuts before it’s opened again. This time my dad comes out. I’m stunned to see him. Relief floods over me. I get out of the car and start to move toward him. He stumbles as he walks to me. I get a better look at him and pause. He looks awful. His face is haggard and his hair is dirty. Even in his worst benders, he has always looked better than this. I get closer to him and his eyes are so bloodshot, I barely see my daddy in there.

  He almost reaches me and is holding out his arms when my mom grabs my arm and turns me around toward the car. She walks quickly. I stumble as I look back, and Daddy has stopped and looks like he’s going to fall over himself.

  I swallow back tears and get back in the car. I’m torn about leaving. How can I possibly go when he’s like this? The guilt rises to my chest and threatens to choke me. My stomach clenches. I can’t do it right now. It’s too much to see him like this. We barely get down the road when I tell my mom to pull over and I’m sick in the grass.

  My mom and I don’t talk as she drives. I see a few signs and surmise that we’re in Memphis. The streets are full of traffic at this time of day. I watch all the people and try to forget about Daddy. Everything around me looks bigger and better here. The girls are wearing dresses so short that Nellie would keel over with a heart attack. Their hair is huge and I just thought mine was frizzy. This gives frizz a whole new meaning. Both men and women have on pants that have so much extra material, I try to imagine what my pragmatic Nellie would have to say about such waste. I’ve never seen anyone dress like this in real life…nothing even close to this.

  Mama pulls into a motel parking lot and stops under the awning of the office. A flashing sign says, “Kitchenette, TV and Telephone.” She goes inside and comes back out five minutes later with a room key.

  “This will work for a few days…it’s cheap enough. I don’t have to be in San Antonio for a few weeks. We’ll see if your dad can pull it together.”

  We pull around to room 149 and park in front of the door. There’s only one other car in the parking lot. A Shoney’s Restaurant is across the street and a busy gas station is on the corner. A group of three guys with bellbottoms and shiny sunglasses are leaning against their Pontiac, laughing and looking like they have nothing better to do than look cool.

  Tulma seems like an entirely different continent.

  ****

  Mama opens the trunk and pulls out her suitcase. I grab mine too and we haul it inside. The room is spacious for a motel, with two double beds and a small kitchen and bathroom. It’s not too bad, but the thought of staying in this small space with Mama for even one night is already making me claustrophobic.

  Mama claims her bed and sprawls out on top of the bedspread. I unpack my suitcase, hanging up a few things and putting the rest in the bottom two drawers of the dresser, leaving the top two for Mama. She’s asleep by the time I’ve emptied my suitcase. I decide to take a shower, the only place inside that I can go to have any privacy. The water pours over my face, and I let the hot tears fall. I cry for the daddy I’ve lost. I know now the one I loved is gone for good. I cry for Isaiah and the hurt I’ve caused him. I see his bleak eyes pleading with me to stay, and I wish that I could have more than anything. I cry for the girl who is forever gone and wish that no one had found me in the fields. I could have just closed my eyes and let the dream carry me up to the clouds forever.

  ****

  I had hoped the dreams would fade once we were out of Tulma, but if it’s possible, they’ve only magnified. Every night is an ongoing nightmare of Leroy and Les, Les and Leroy, Leroy and Les, Les and Leroy…their voices are distorted and their eyes taunt me. I feel myself passing out over and over and I wake up throughout the night gasping for air. I wake up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all.

  One day fades into the next and the next; each day worse than the last. Mama wants to pick a fight about everything. She tries to be the same controlling mother she’s always been and I’m having none of it. I won’t do anything for her. The days of me ironing her underwear are long gone. I don’t ask her to lift a hand for me either, but it wouldn’t matter—she’d be mad either way. It’s beneath her to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be. She drinks all day and moans about how her life was supposed to be so much better…how she should have just stayed with Grant and that Daddy never amounted to anything and never would. I put the pillow over my head and shut her out while she yells. On day four of this, I’ve had enough.

  I begin to yell back.

  “Just leave me here. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I stopped needing you a long time ago. You make me miserable and I obviously make you miserable. Go! Just go and leave me the hell alone! Get out of my life. GO!”

  She turns away from me, toward the wall and a cloud of red fury consumes me. I begin to shake violently and am too angry to care. I step in the space between the wall and her bed and lean down until my face is a foot from hers.

  My teeth clench tightly and in a voice I didn’t know was in my arsenal, I mutter, “You’re not a mother. You’re an emotionless lump of nothing. All you do is make everything worse than it already is. I can take care of myself. And I don’t need someone else to tell me what a worthless person I am—I’ve already figured it out on my own.”

  Her eyes widen and then blink fast the longer I talk. I think I see her tears coming, but I’m not done.

  “I’m not listening to you anymore. You lost that right the first time you left me. It’s just taken me this long to
not want you. You need to go. I’m better off without you. In fact, I’d be just fine if I never saw you again for the rest of my life.”

  My face is on fire and my throat burns from unshed tears. Unable to stand one more minute in a room with her, I walk out the door and go across the street to Shoney’s. I ask if they’re hiring and they say they actually do desperately need help. I tell them about my experience and perkily add that I am the right person for the job. They hire me on the spot and I’m so relieved, I feel lightheaded. Joann, the manager, asks if I can stay for a couple hours to train and then do a full 8 hours the next day. Oh blessed distraction. My tasks are so similar to the ones I did at Harriet’s, I learn the job in no time. The other waitresses are friendly enough and the customers treat me well as I follow Linda, the waitress training me. I feel confident I’ll be able to do this job well.

  When I cross the street later that night, the car is still in front of the room and I take a deep breath before I go in to face my mother.

  The room is empty when I enter. None of her things are there—no clothes, no suitcase, nothing. She’s gone. On the kitchen counter, the keys are sitting on top of a note, along with four twenty-dollar bills.

  Caroline,

  Grant came to get me. I’m sorry you don’t appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made for you. I feel bad for what has happened to you, but you have to live with your part in that. There are consequences to every action. It looks like you’ll have to learn that the hard way.

  You’ve always been able to take care of yourself and will do fine now. I don’t know why I thought you needed me. You never have, not really.

  I’m leaving the car for you. I know you’ve never driven much, but it will get easier the more you do it. Someone will let you know when it’s safe to come back to Tulma. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be in Tulma or if I’ll go ahead to San Antonio. Until it’s safe, stay here. I’ve paid for the month.

  Mama

  I put the money and keys in my purse. I open the dresser and take out my crowded clothes, spreading them out among the four drawers. I have a month and a job. I can do this. I won’t shed a single tear over that woman again. She’s not a mother. I’m thrilled she’s gone. I’ll never have to live with her again—and I won’t be going back to Tulma. Ever.

  I’m hollow with missing Isaiah, but every time I picture his sad eyes, I remind myself that I’m doing what’s best for him. Having my mother around was torture, but as unwelcome as it was, it did keep me from thinking about Isaiah at least a small part of the time. Now, I’m completely alone in my anguish.

  I’m still happy she’s gone.

  ****

  The time goes by quickly the next day at Shoney’s. I don’t really like the brown uniform, but it makes things simpler to know what to wear every day. Before I know it, a week has passed, and I’ve worked 40 hours. I’m ready for a day off and grateful to finally have one. I walk across the street and eye the car. Tomorrow will be the day I learn to drive it. Joann said there’s a large school parking lot closeby that should be empty tomorrow since it’s a Saturday. She doesn’t know that I’ll be teaching myself to drive, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

  I cross the street, feeling exhausted, but pleased with the check that will be coming in another week. The sun is starting to set and I enjoy the wind on my face. I don’t see him at first, but when I get closer to my car, he stands up.

  His eyes crinkle at my surprise, that smile of his that I love—the one that makes his entire face shine.

  “Isaiah!” The breath is knocked out of me.

  “Hi, Caroline. How are you? I’ve missed you.” He seems a little reserved.

  “I’ve missed you too. What—is everything okay?”

  “Everything is great—I have some good news.”

  I look around and make sure no one is watching us as I unlock the door. We step inside, close the door, and we look at each other shyly for a full minute. He laughs and takes me in his arms.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” he whispers in my ear. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a second.”

  I look at him and can’t help but smile, even though I’m not sure how I feel about him being here. “What are you doing here, Isaiah? How did you ever find me?”

  “Come here, let’s sit down.” He grabs my hand and we sit down at the table. He doesn’t let go of me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so animated.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Aren’t you happy to see me?” He grins and leans forward to kiss my cheek.

  “So happy.” I admit. “I never expected…to see you today.”

  His joy is infectious and I allow myself to just be happy he’s here, for whatever reason. Any amount of time I might get with him, even if it’s just for an hour. He’s here. I thought I’d never see him again.

  “You don’t have to worry about Leroy and Les ever again, Caroline. They’ve been taken care of and won’t hurt anyone anymore.” He runs his finger along my jaw line and watches my reaction.

  I stand up and clinch my hands together. “What happened, Isaiah? Tell me everything.” My heart is pounding, and I’m terrified by what he’ll say.

  “I can’t tell you everything, but trust me, it’s all been taken care of. You have a lot of friends in Tulma…more than you even know...and…”

  “What do you mean by that? What part did you play in this? Or was it the Klan? I didn’t ask for that. I don’t want any part of them! Leroy and Les should be in jail, no one needed to “take care” of them for me!” I begin pacing the room. “I don’t agree with how the Klan operates. And I certainly don’t want anyone I love going after them and going to jail! If anyone should have killed them, it should have been me!”

  The craziness of what I’ve just said hits me and I have to sit back down.

  “Slow down. They had it coming, Caroline. They pushed too far. They went on a little spree after they left your house that night and were taken out. It wasn’t the Klan, but I can’t tell you who it was. Just trust me, it all worked out. The police were glad to get that trash off the street.”

  I stand up and begin pacing again with Isaiah on my heels. I trip over the carpet and Isaiah grabs me and holds me still. He takes my face in his hands and speaks softly.

  “Please don’t worry about me or anyone else. I know you’ll have to deal with everything that happened to you for a long time, maybe forever, I don’t know…but you never have to be afraid of those two ever again. That part is over.”

  He bends down and leans his forehead against mine. I close my eyes and imagine Les and Leroy going down with a thud. The weight of the world leaves my shoulders, and I take a deep breath that actually reaches my lungs.

  It’s over.

  ****

  We stare at each other for a long time, taking each other in, neither of us saying a word. For the longest time, we don’t move, just feel the luxury of being able to look at each other without anyone else interrupting the moment. There is no one around to hide anything from, nothing to hurry off to, nowhere else to be but here, together. Finally, Isaiah moves. He winds his fingers through my hair and the other hand traces my jaw. His touch is so gentle, so very careful—as if I might fall apart like a dying rose, petals falling off one by one. Impulsively, I draw my mouth up to Isaiah’s and kiss him…hard. He kisses me back at first, and then when I lean into his body with the weight of mine, he unwinds my arms from around his neck and takes a step back.

  “Caroline…” His eyes are tentative. He takes another step back and holds my hands, bringing them up to his lips, one knuckle at a time.

  I don’t even know what I want. I want to forget; I want to remember. I want Isaiah back and all that we had before it was all destroyed. I want to forget all the ugliness and remember the good. I want to remember who I can be and forget the scarred girl who has no one. Hearing that it’s finally finished is intoxicating. And it seems like a lifetime that I’ve been looking over my shoulder for one reas
on or another. No more. I don’t want to be fragile another day of my life. I’m desperate to have some life sparked back in me again.

  “Isaiah…” I say and close some of the space between us.

  He nervously smiles at me, confused by my boldness. I know he doesn’t want to make a wrong move with me. I’m sorry that he has to deal with such a conundrum. A teenage boy in a motel room with the girl he loves, and all outside influences completely out of the picture should feel like an opportune moment to seize.

  “I need to wipe the visions of…everything…out of my mind.” Tears burn my eyes and I angrily swipe them away. “Every time I lie down at night, they’re all I see.” My voice cracks. “I used to see you and that’s what I want... “

  “I’m just not sure you’re ready for this, Caroline. You know I want to. I always want to be with you.” He pulls me in and places his chin on my shoulder.

  “I need new memories of us,” I whisper.

  I know it doesn’t make much sense when I say it out loud, but for me, tonight, it’s the only way I can imagine putting Les and Leroy out of my mind.

  Isaiah takes a huge breath. “I just don’t want to do anything you’ll regret.” He leans back and stares me down. “I couldn’t take that. Just make sure that if you start changing your mind, you’ll tell me.” He grins his stop-my-heart grin and tugs on my hair. “I’m happy just looking at you.”

  “You are all that is good, Isaiah.”

  ****

  It really does help.

  I was afraid I would never want to do that. Ever. But with Isaiah, it’s just right. The hollowed-out hole that’s been residing in my chest fills just a little and I feel almost like myself again.

  Much, much later, when our eyelids finally begin to droop, Isaiah looks at me tenderly and tells me how much he loves me.

  “I love you too.” I sleepily smile back.