The Face of It

by Rosie Williams

  ‘Ready? Pull!’ she instructed, and four tiny bangs went off, one after the other.

  Their dad immediately donned his hat, and made everyone read out their awful cracker jokes. They laughed, and ate, and laughed some more during the course of the meal. Their belt loops and trouser buttons strained under the extra pressure, each belly laugh threatening to make them pop at any minute.

  Their mum cleared the table, with their dad ‘helping’ – in other words, making sure she stacked the dishwasher just so. Taylor and Dylan took their coffees into the living room and stretched out at opposite ends of the sofa, the only light now coming from the brightly coloured lights wrapped around the Christmas tree. The curtains were drawn, making the room feel even more cosy, with the electric fire keeping them warm. There were a couple of recycling bags in the corner, stuffed full of the wrapping paper they had ripped off their presents just a few hours ago. Taylor sipped her coffee contentedly.

  ‘Thank you for the console,’ Dylan said quietly.

  ‘Thank you for the harness,’ Taylor said, smiling.

  ‘No, I mean, thank you. For believing I can do this.’

  ‘I’ve always got your back, Dyl,’ she said, putting a hand on his stray ankle.

  ‘I know you do. But that doesn’t mean you have to miss out, you know.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ she said, turning to face him.

  ‘Dad’s going to come in here in a few minutes and offer you a sherry, and even though sherry makes you all nostalgic, you’re going to decline. Because of me.’

  ‘Maybe I’ve just gone off sherry,’ Taylor said, taking another sip of her coffee.

  ‘And wine? And gin? Just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t.’

  ‘But -’

  ‘Look, I appreciate you not having alcohol in the house. I’m not saying open a bar in the living room. Just... don’t forget to have fun, OK? We’re still in our early thirties, start acting like it!’ he said, throwing a pillow at her.

  ‘Hey!’

  ‘Payback,’ he said, grinning.

  The family spent the remainder of the day watching their traditional television shows. Their dad’s head slowly dropped to his chest and his quiet snores started growing louder, making their mum tap him awake and send him off to bed, saying she wouldn’t be far behind him. She hugged each of the children goodnight and went upstairs. The twins stayed up a little longer, watching another show. Taylor pulled her phone out and just stared at it for a while, before putting it back in her pocket. She repeated this a few more times until Dylan couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

  ‘Just text her,’ he said, the fifth time Taylor had taken her phone out.

  ‘What? she said, turning red.

  ‘Just text her. Get it over with. Rip the plaster off.’

  ‘What would I say?’

  ‘Errr, how about “Merry Christmas?”’

  ‘Oh, right. Yeah.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said mockingly.

  Taylor left her phone on her lap, but didn’t say anything else.

  Their show finished and they headed up to bed. Dylan gave her a meaningful look before disappearing off into his room, and Taylor heavily made her way to her own.

  Sinking into the mattress she pulled out her phone once more, the blue light dazzling her as the cursor blinked at her tauntingly. She typed and retyped a message a dozen or so times, before eventually deciding on a simple ‘I’m sorry. I know I messed up. I hope you had a good Christmas’, allowing it to send before turning her phone off. She knew if she didn’t, she would just lie awake waiting for a response. She didn’t want to give her brain another reason to keep her awake all night.

  She lay there, staring up at her childhood bedroom ceiling, and the glow in the dark stars she had stuck there as a teenager. She hoped that, wherever Paige was, she had had a good day and that, maybe in the spirit of Christmas, she could find it in her heart to forgive her.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Christmas at the Spencers’

  PAIGE

  Paige had also gone home to her parents’ house for Christmas; but she travelled alone on Christmas Eve. Thomas still lived at home, and Brandon was travelling up on Christmas morning with Lucy and the kids. Jenna would be catching a tan in Hawaii.

  Paige’s Christmas morning started very differently. She was also up early, but instead of putting on warm fluffy slippers, she put on her running shoes and headed outside. The crisp morning air meant her warm-up took a lot longer than usual, and she cut her stretching time in half so as not to get cold again. She didn’t know the routes around her parents’ house very well - they had downsized many years ago, leaving behind the trails she used to run. Paige had run on Christmas morning for many years; she wasn’t much help in the kitchen and she didn’t like just sitting around doing nothing. Until Brandon got there with the kids there wasn’t much opportunity to spend time with her family because her parents would be cooking and Thomas would be asleep for a few more hours, his artistic insomnia having thrown his sleep patterns out of whack since he was a child.

  Paige chose to stick to the streets, not wanting to get lost in unfamiliar countryside. She had found solace by running more than usual the last couple of weeks, the pounding of her feet and her rhythmic breathing helping her to regulate her emotions. She ran on the sunny side of the road, not wanting to spend Christmas in Accident and Emergency having slipped on ice. Her breath rose up in a mist in front of her as she ran, making her look like she was chasing clouds down the street. The naked trees looked like they were shivering in the light breeze, while the evergreen shrubs looked like they were hoarding all the warmth. There were a few bird calls floating around in the air, cheering Paige on as she ran. Most of the houses she passed were still dark, waiting for the magic of Christmas to start. Paige could just imagine little kids bounding downstairs to see if Santa had been. As a child she had quickly worked out that Father Christmas was a ruse, and her five-year-old brain had run an experiment, to prove her theory, by asking for the most ridiculous presents she could think of. Her parents had sworn her to secrecy for the sake of her sister, who was just becoming aware of what Christmas was. Thomas hadn’t been born then, but his arrival helped prolong the magic. Now that Brandon had children, her entire family got to pretend all over again, and live in that childish fantasy.

  By the time Paige got back to the house it was clear someone was up, as the lights were on in the kitchen. She popped her head in to see her mother sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, relishing the peace and quiet before the true hectic-ness of the day set in. Aunts, uncles, and cousins from both sides would all descend on the house at various points during the day. Whilst it was nice that most of their family lived locally, it did create a large amount of work for her mum, who wouldn’t let anyone else in the kitchen while she cooked Christmas dinner.

  ‘Hi, Mum, Merry Christmas,’ Paige said around the edge of the door.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Paige,’ her mum said, smiling sweetly at her. ‘Have you just got back from your run?’

  ‘Yes, it was a chilly one. I’m just going to jump in the shower.’

  ‘OK,’ her mum smiled in response. She’d have a few more minutes of alone time.

  Paige retracted herself from the door and made her way upstairs. The gleaming white bathroom was still cold, as the heating had only turned on a few minutes ago. Paige reluctantly disrobed while she waited for the shower to warm up, before gratefully stepping in. The hot water warmed her numb extremities while washing the sweat off the rest of her body, and she felt like she was washing away the bad memories of the last few weeks and starting anew.

  Back downstairs after her shower, she found her dad sitting in the living room, reading a book and waiting. His self-appointed job at Christmas was to be the perfect host every time a family member dropped in. As soon as they walked through the door he would put the kettle on or pour them a glass of wine, depending on who it was; he had all their orders memorised. The
kids always got hot chocolate, whether they really wanted it or not.

  ‘Morning, Dad,’ Paige said, sitting down in the living room with him.

  ‘Morning, Paige. Did you sleep alright?’

  ‘Yes, thanks.’ Her parents’ spare room had a luxurious double bed with a soft mattress and extra thick duvet. When Brandon and his family came to stay, they put air beds up for the kids. The money her parents had gained from downsizing had allowed them to do all the travelling they missed out on when raising four children.

  Paige’s dad put his book away and took off his reading glasses, giving Paige his full attention.

  ‘You’re looking skinny,’ he said, furrowing his brow. ‘Are you OK? Are you eating enough?’

  ‘Yes, Dad, I’m fine. I’ve just been doing a bit more running than usual.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ he said, with his brows not changing. ‘How is work going?’

  ‘Well, you know how my research project got rejected again?’ Her dad solemnly nodded once. She had given him her proposal to read and he had thought it was very good, hurting with her when it was rejected. ‘Well, Maya had the idea that I should find another way to do the project. So I’m writing a book.’

  Paige’s dad sat up straighter in his chair and leant forward.

  ‘A book?’

  ‘Yes. A fictional book based on a real person and her life throughout the war,’ Paige blurted out quickly.

  ‘Well,’ he said, leaning back again. ‘That’s something, isn’t it?’ he added, smiling. ‘That’s really something.’

  Brandon and his family got there at around eleven. Their arrival was announced by the kids bursting through the door, Cayden shouting ‘Merry Christmas!’ at the top of his lungs, and Susie taking a running jump onto her grandad’s lap, her little feet so fast he hadn’t even had the chance to put down his half-full coffee mug. Lucy came in not far after them, carrying coats and the kids’ tablets that had kept them entertained on the car journey. Brandon then came waddling in, two big bags on his back and several carrier bags in each hand. For the last few years the kids had opened their presents from their parents at their own house, but they always brought Santa’s presents with them, so their grandparents could enjoy the spectacle. Brandon dropped all the bags in the hallway with a thud, before picking up the ones with the presents in and taking them into the living room. Kneeling down by the Christmas tree he artfully arranged them underneath, along with the decent-sized pile already there. As Cayden and Susie were the only grandchildren, they always got spoilt at Christmas, with even the aloof Thomas not being able to resist buying them adorable, and sometimes loud, toys.

  Thomas appeared in the living room doorway just then, wrapped in a navy-blue dressing gown. He nodded a greeting at his brother, who was still on the floor by the tree. Thomas scratched the black stubble on his jaw as he yawned by way of greeting everyone else. Just then, Cayden ran into the room, joining his sister on his grandad’s lap.

  ‘And here is my favourite nephew, who announced Christmas so loudly a few minutes ago,’ Thomas said, offering Cayden a high five.

  ‘Did you know that most insects’ life cycles are so short that they don’t survive the winter?’ he said, by way of season’s greetings.

  ‘...Right’ Thomas said, before heading into the kitchen to get some much-needed coffee.

  ‘Story!’ Susie demanded from her grandad’s lap.

  ‘Oh... well... I suppose,’ he said, as if it was some big chore, and that he didn’t have a stack of children’s books by his chair, waiting for their arrival.

  Brandon brought himself slowly up from the floor, several of his joints cracking as his did so.

  ‘Hey, Paige,’ he said, hugging his sister, able to greet her properly now.

  ‘How was the drive?’ she asked, as they separated.

  ‘It was fine. The roads were pretty much empty, so it took just over an hour. You?’

  ‘Same, it was quiet, but I did leave quite late in the day. How’re things with you?’

  ‘Oh, fine...’ he said, scratching the back of his head. Paige raised her eyebrows at him, but just as she was about to ask what was wrong, the doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of some cousins.

  ‘Can somebody get that, please!’ yelled a distant voice from the kitchen. Brandon didn’t manage to look his sister in the eye before heading to the door to let in the horde.

  Traditionally the family waited until they were all sated from dinner to open presents, so that their mum could sit down and enjoy it with them, leaving a pile of washing up in the kitchen for the kids to do later. All of the adults, except Brandon, were sat on the sofas. Brandon was sat by the tree, and both his children were stood next to him, bouncing up and down excitedly, Susie clapping her hands and Cayden flapping his.

  ‘Can you give this to Grandma please, Cayden?’ he said, handing him a present. Cayden took his responsibilities very seriously, and carefully transferred the package to his grandmother before dashing back to his father’s side.

  ‘Suse, can you give this to Uncle Thomas?’ Susie took the present off her dad hesitatingly, under the jealous watch of her brother, and shuffled over to Thomas.

  ‘Thaaaaaank you,’ he said, plucking the present from her little hands, and she grinned before dashing back.

  ‘Aaaaaaaaaand... I wonder who these could be for?’ Brandon said, theatrically, holding up two presents that were clearly labelled in big letters. ‘Susie, I’m struggling to read this, can you help me?’ he said softly.

  ‘That one says Cayden and that one says Susie!’ Cayden interrupted before reaching out for his present. Brandon relented and handed the presents over to his children, who immediately sat on the floor and began tearing off the paper. He then deftly threw Paige’s present over to her, and slid his mum’s present across the carpet.

  ‘Is that everyone?’ he asked, but no one could really hear him, he was drowned out by the squeals of his daughter, who had just opened a ‘My First Pony’ set, which included a soft toy pony with a real mane, brushes, and a saddle.

  ‘I think it’s safe to say that went down well!’ Lucy said, before turning to Susie. ‘What do you say, Susie? Grandad and Grandma bought you that, so what do you say?’ Susie didn’t even look up from her gift, she just gently held the box in her hands, as if it was fragile as glass.

  ‘Susie?’ her dad said, touching her leg. Finally she looked up. ‘Say thank you to Grandad and Grandma.’ Susie, still clinging on to her present, went over to her grandparents and gave them the best hug she could, given she still had a large box under her arm. Paige saw Brandon’s smile falter.

  ‘Wow, thanks, Mum and Dad!’ Thomas said, holding up a box containing camera film; something that was quite hard to get hold of now everything had gone digital. Thomas was experimenting with film cameras, and his supply was running dangerously low. Paige opened her gift next, which contained a new chalk bag and climbing shoes. She knew about the shoes as her parents had called to ask her what size and brand she wanted, but the chalk bag was a nice and thoughtful surprise.

  ‘The nice man in the shop said you would be able to use the bag,’ her mum explained.

  ‘Thank you,’ Paige said, smiling. Her old chalk bag was looking pretty tatty.

  The rest of the presents were opened gleefully, mainly by the children, and soon the living room looked like there had been an explosion in a wrapping paper factory. At around seven Brandon and Lucy started getting the kids ready for bed; they’d be taking over the spare room once Paige left. Cayden shook hands with everybody, as he’d seen a scientist in his insect documentaries do, and Susie refused to let go of her grandad’s hand. Paige gave Brandon a hand taking the several bags of recycling outside. The stars shone brightly through a clear sky as they put the bags down the side of the house.

  ‘So... how are you really?’ Paige said, after checking no one had followed them out.

  ‘Ha,’ Brandon smiled wryly. His sister was always seeing through his lies, even when they we
re children. ‘How did you know I wasn’t being honest?’

  ‘You always scratch the back of your head when you’re hiding something,’ Paige said, folding her arms and staring at him.

  ‘I really am fine, it’s just the kids... they got assessed in school before the Christmas break. The educational psychologist says he’s going to give them a diagnosis.’

  ‘So? Isn’t that a good thing? They’ll get extra help?’

  ‘I guess...’

  ‘But?’

  ‘But it kind of makes it final, doesn't it? Once it’s written down, it’s... real’

  ‘Brandon, it’s always been real. Autism doesn't just turn up overnight, it’s always been a part of your lives; it’s who they are.’

  ‘You’re right, I guess. I haven’t told Mum and Dad yet, I’m not sure how they’ll react, after...’

  ‘I’m sure they’ll be OK with it. They love the kids.’

  ‘I know, but it takes them a while to get used to anything different’

  ‘Ha, maybe they’re autistic too,’ Paige said. Brandon smiled and made as if to walk back to the house, to help his wife shepherd the kids up to bed.

  ‘Brandon, wait -’ Paige said, grabbing him buy the arm. He stopped and looked at her. ‘I’ve asked to be referred to be assessed too. I just thought you should know.’

  ‘You have?’ he said quietly.

  ‘Yes. They said it could take up to a year to get an appointment but... well, I’ll worry about it when it happens.’

  ‘I’m proud of you, Paige, that can’t have been easy.’

  ‘It wasn’t - the doctor really didn’t want to refer me.’

  ‘I’m glad he did, I wouldn’t have wanted to go all big brother on his ass.’ Paige rolled her eyes, but laughed.

  Back in the house, the family were saying their goodbyes and goodnights. Susie had been picked up by her grandad so he could come to the door to see Paige off, rather than be restrained to the chair where Susie wanted him to stay. Her head was lolling on his shoulder as she fought sleep; the excitement of the day having worn her out. Even Cayden was tired; his factual monologues had been replaced with silence and hand gestures and him struggling to make his little limbs move.