The Face of It

by Rosie Williams

  Paige could have stayed up longer, but her early start and the sheer volume of people and noise had worn her out. Once she got home she dragged herself up the stairs to bed, even though it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet.

  Paige woke up early on Boxing Day morning to a text from Taylor, sent the night before. She wasn’t entirely sure how to respond so she simply put her earphones in, her running shoes on and left.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Spring

  The chilly frosts of winter soon gave way to a wet and wonderful spring. By March, the bulbs were in full bloom, a carpet of purples, yellows, whites, and oranges filling the woods behind Paige’s house. The once bare trees now had leaves that were unfurling, though always when no one was watching.

  With the warmer weather came the prospect of climbing outside. Paige enjoyed climbing at the centre, pushing herself to her limits there, but nothing could compare to making it to the top of a real rock face, conquering and respecting nature at the same time. The club often did informal outdoor climbs, organised a few days or a few hours in advance. But in the summer they also arranged a formal trip to France, with sometimes up to thirty members coming along, bringing their families with them. Paige was grateful to not be organising it this year.

  In addition to the climbing, Maya was now over four months into her six-month stint in Japan, and Paige was counting down the days to her return. They video called regularly, and texted even more often, but nothing could compare to being able to hug your best friend in person, instead of typing it or sending a GIF.

  Paige had also made more progress on her book; she was about three-quarters of the way through writing the first draft, and her stomach filled with jumping grasshoppers every time she thought about finishing it. She had waited so long to tell the stories of these women, and she hoped this would be the first stepping-stone across a wide river, with recognition of their contribution on the other side.

  Overall, Paige was happy. She was optimistic for the coming months. Even Jacob, who she had been worried about, was flourishing. He had found a group of friends, via an autistic social club, and was happily settling into life in the city. Everything was going well, but Paige couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of something being missing.

  At the climbing club one evening, she was practising on the triple overhang. Someone else had lead climbed it already and left the rope up for her, to give her some time on the wall before attempting the lead herself. She desperately wanted to crack it before the summer trip to France. She was happy with her technique to get around the first overhang, but the second was proving more of a challenge. No matter which way she contorted her body, she always ended up falling off and dangling there helplessly, until lowered back to the ground.

  After her ninth time being lowered back to the floor, having fallen off yet again, she told the person she was climbing with that she was going to take a break, and untied the rope from her harness, offering the rope to them, but they declined, deciding to go home instead. Paige thanked them, grabbed her wallet from her bag, and headed to the cafe.

  There were a few people sitting scattered around their tables. She knew most of them so greeted them with a smile or a wave as she went up to the counter to order her tea. One of the groups closest to the till invited her to join them, which she duly did.

  ‘So I told him that if he made it to the top of the 6c on his first go, I’d go on a date with him,’ one woman said, continuing her story.

  ‘Honestly, guys, I’ve never climbed so well in my life. Before or since,’ the man said, making everyone around the table laugh.

  ‘And after that, well... he just kind of stuck around.’

  ‘If by stuck around you mean I bought you a helluva ring!’

  ‘Yes, that’s true,’ the woman said, pulling her fiancé in for a kiss.

  ‘Congratulations, I didn’t realise you had got engaged!’ Paige said as she caught up with the conversation.

  ‘Yes, last week,’ the woman explained, offering Paige the ring to see.

  ‘Very nice,’ Paige said, smiling, before pouring out her tea.

  Everyone sat around the table seemed to be partnered up with someone, or had someone waiting for them at home, as they re-told their own stories of how they and their current partner got together. Paige sat there quietly, sipping her tea, and wishing she had made just one more attempt at the triple overhang. Eventually the conversation naturally petered out, and they started instead discussing where they might go for the France trip this year.

  ‘Has anyone seen Dylan climbing recently? Or... Taylor?’ Paige asked in a natural lull in the conversation.

  ‘Who?’ one person asked.

  ‘You know, the lanky guy that always races up the walls, falls off them even faster.’

  ‘Oh, him. No, I haven’t seen him for a while now.’

  ‘I’ve seen him a couple of times when I’ve climbed during the day,’ one of the women said; she was also a student so had a bit more flexibility with her time.

  ‘That’d explain it, I only climb in the evenings,’ someone else chimed in.

  Paige didn’t respond, instead leaning back in her chair and taking another sip of her tea. She was glad to hear that Dylan was still climbing - he really hadn’t looked well the last time she had seen him. But if people didn’t even know who Taylor was, she probably hadn’t been in months, probably not since their ill-fated lunch at the cafe.

  Slowly the people around the table filtered out, either going back to climbing or going home, until Paige was the last one left. She pulled her phone out and scrolled down her messages to the text Taylor had sent so many months ago. Her fingers hovered over the keyboard as she considered messaging back, but eventually she shook her head and put her phone back in her pocket. Taking her mug back to the counter, she made her way back into the climbing wall, milling around for a while before deciding to use the auto-belay instead of trying to pair up with someone. She deftly tied in, picked the easiest route on the wall, and started with that one; the cold cafe had chilled her muscles. She made light work of that route, and had soon worked her way up to the hardest route on the wall, rapidly climbing it until she got to one difficult move she just couldn’t get past. Someone belaying on a nearby route shouted over to her to try a different approach, to try looking at the problem in a different way. Paige thanked him and stared back up at the wall. It was worth a try. She re-chalked her hands using her new chalk bag, clipped to the back of her harness, and began climbing again. This time, when she got to the problem, she placed her other foot on the hold, which actually gave her that little bit more leverage to extend up to a better hand hold. And just like that, she was past the problem and at the top of the wall. She lifted her eyes to the ceiling in celebration as she topped out, giving thanks to the climbing gods, before the auto-belay lowered her to the ground. The whirring sound it made always made her feel like she was falling much faster than she actually was, but even so, the floor always came as a bit of a surprise, and she ended up sitting on it rather than stood up. The person who had advised her gave her a thumbs up with her free hand, before concentrating back on her climber. Paige got to her feet, elated, and made her way over to her bag to change out of her climbing shoes and start adding more layers. It might have been spring now, but it still wasn’t that warm outside.

  Puddles from recent rain dotted the car park, and her brain flashed back to her night of climbing with Taylor, when they had run to her car together. Paige could still feel the intensity of her gaze, even though she was alone amongst the remaining cars. Her elation faded, and she quickly got into her car and drove away.

  Unlocking the front door, Paige heard the draught excluder catch on a pile of post waiting for her. She had gone climbing straight from work, so this was her first chance to check her mail. Dumping her bag in the hallway, she took off her coat and hung it up on the hooks, before picking up the letters and rifling through them for anything interesting. Most of it was junk mail; one of the di
sadvantages of living in a city. There was a postcard from her sister, who was currently in India on holiday, and there was a brown envelope with one of those see-through windows on the front, with her address typed in it. She flipped the envelope over and saw a hospital address on the back. Furrowing her brows slightly, she put the junk mail in the bin she kept by the door, took the letter into the living room, and slumped down on the sofa. Sooty sleepily raised his head, wondering what the commotion was. He gave her a look saying ‘Oh, it’s just you’ before going back to sleep. Paige ripped it open and unfolded the white paper, scanning the text, her brain barely processing what it was reading. The only words that really sank in were ‘appointment’, ‘assessment’, and ‘November’. She re-read the letter, made harder by the fact her hands were trembling, making the words jump around in front of her. She had put the potential autism assessment out of her mind. The doctor had said it would take around a year, so she mentally packed it up into a little box and put it away into storage, so she could concentrate her mental energy on other things. But here the letter was, violently tugging the box, causing a whole lot of others to come tumbling around with it. She didn’t recognise the name of the hospital; she only knew where the local minor injury unit and accident and emergency were, she had never heard of ‘Blue Forest Centre’. She took a deep breath and started playing with the hem of her shirt sleeve. At least she would have time to plan a route, probably organise to take a day off work, and work out what she was going to do afterwards when she expected to be mentally drained.

  Putting the letter down on the coffee table, she got up from the sofa. Sooty stretched and followed, meowing loudly, demanding to be fed.

  ‘I know, I know,’ she told him as she got his food out of the cupboard. ‘You’re staaaaarving,’ she said, as he circled around his food bowl expectantly. In his eagerness to fill his stomach, Sooty immediately started eating as soon as the first bit of wet food fell out of the pouch, which mean that the next, bigger bit landed squarely on his head before slipping off to the side. He didn’t even seem to notice. Paige chuckled at him, then set about making her own meal for the evening.

  Paige took her own meal back to the sofa; a batch-cooked meal from the freezer. She had just enough time to eat it before Maya was due to call, before her workday started. Paige turned the television on and zoned out as she ate, vaguely listening to the weather report. The forecaster was talking about some incoming storms with a likelihood of flooding, as well as thunder and lightning, followed by some warmer weather. Paige missed the sun. The short days of winter had made her feel enclosed and claustrophobic, and she longed for the freedom of summer and climbing outdoors, and warm evening runs through the woods where the trail wasn’t a river of mud. Paige changed the channel to try and find something more uplifting, but it was all soaps, drama, and the news, which was the worst of them all. Maya rang then, rescuing her from the doom and gloom of the television.

  ‘Hi, Maya,’ Paige said, tucking the phone between her neck and ear as she moved her plate to the table. ‘How’re you?’

  ‘I’m good, lovely, really good. How’re you?’

  ‘I’m OK. Work is going OK, and it’s getting warmer and sunnier here so that’s nice.’

  ‘Anything on the Taylor front?’

  ‘No. No one has seen her at the climbing club. I think Dylan’s gone during the day a few times but that’s about it.’

  ‘Has she tried to contact you again?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Hmmm. As your loyal best friend, I will always have your back, and be there to beat people up if needed. But maybe, this once, you should reach out to her?’

  ‘Maya, you couldn’t beat up a flea. You have no upper body strength. And I wouldn’t know what to say.’

  ‘How about just asking how she is?’

  ‘I would feel too awkward doing that after nearly four months of silence.’

  ‘OK, lovely, I won’t push it. I just thought she was good for you. Aside from the whole cafe freak out thing.’

  ‘How is business?’ Paige asked casually.

  ‘Yeah, about that. It’s been going really well, too well... they want me to stay out here for a bit longer.’ Maya said hesitantly.

  ‘For how much longer?’ Paige asked, her voice shaking slightly.

  ‘Another six months.’

  ‘Another...’ Paige started, but couldn’t finish. She swallowed hard, bewildered by the whole situation.

  ‘Paige?’ Maya said gently after a few minutes of silence.

  ‘I’m... OK. I’m OK, Maya.’ Paige said, measuring her breathing and maintaining her composure. ‘I’m so glad it’s going well, I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘I’m proud of me, too. I can’t believe they want me to stay. They’ve promised me a big promotion when I come back if I stay, with the freedom to basically choose where I work and how much I will earn,’ Maya said quickly, the words tumbling over one another in her excitement.

  ‘That’s amazing!’ Paige said, genuinely happy for her friend.

  They talked a little while longer, mainly about Maya’s next set of responsibilities out in Japan, and a little bit about Paige’s book, before Maya had to leave for work. After she hung up, Paige just stared at the home screen of her phone, Maya’s words having not quite sunk in. But this wasn’t like last time. Paige had coped this far with Maya being so far away, she’d coped with Taylor, she’d coped with taking her research in a whole new direction, so she knew she could cope with this. Yet that didn’t mean she didn’t feel vulnerable.

  She took her plate and empty wine glass out to the kitchen, then went upstairs and ran herself a bath. She poured a liberal amount of bubble bath in. The water quickly foamed up, creating a mountain of white fluffy clouds floating around on the surface. She lit some candles, and the smell of lavender and melting wax filled the small room. Paige ran the water as hot as she could stand it, and it enveloped her as she lowered herself in, almost burning her skin, but making her sore, aching muscles relax with every inch she slid down the tub. Closing her eyes, she leant her head back and let out a deep breath, focusing on the warmth of the water wrapping around her, and the quiet sound of the bubbles popping, the smell of the candles. She thought about how nice it would be to see Maya when she got back, even if it was going to be later than she expected. She smiled to herself, so proud of her friend she could almost burst. Paige wondered if maybe Maya was right about contacting Taylor; maybe it would be a good thing to extend an olive branch...

  Paige awoke with a start. She had slipped down the bath, the tepid water jolting her awake. Her fingertips resembled prunes. She clambered out, turned on the light, and blew out the dangerously low candles, chastising herself for falling asleep. She must have been much more tired than she realised.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Brotherly Intervention

  TAYLOR

  When the second university term started in January, Taylor had, with support of her director of studies, arranged a meeting with her the person who scheduled her teaching hours. They had been completely unaware about how much she was struggling. They had assumed that, as she had agreed to everything he had asked her to do, that everything was OK, completely ignorant of the power inequality in their situation. With the help of her director of studies, they worked out a new and better teaching schedule that would actually allow Taylor time to work on her PhD. She was supposed to start writing her thesis come September and there was no way that was going to happen, so they also organised an extension, both members of staff reassuring her that it was OK and perfectly normal. That cold January morning meeting turned into a February of re-invigorated research and then a March of falling back in love with her project. If anything, she was now spending more time at university than she did last term, but out of choice and the pure enjoyment of it, rather than because teaching required her to do so.

  Dylan was still living with her, and more importantly, still sober. He had achieved good grades in his January exams, a
nd was happily knuckling down to study in the small bedroom he occupied at Taylor’s house. He was also counting down the days to buy the next game for his new console; the ones he had already bought sat proudly on a shelf above his desk. Dylan had been nagging Taylor to go climbing with him again, but she always used the excuse of being too busy with her research, and it being his thing more than hers now. But they both knew the truth: that she didn’t want to risk bumping into Paige. It had been nearly four months since they had spoken, and the hopeful text Taylor had sent on Christmas Day had gone unanswered. Taylor had thought about trying again, but she wasn’t sure she could handle the sting of rejection a second time. Instead, she settled for throwing herself vigorously into her work and trying to forget about the beautiful secret agent.

  One evening near the end of the first week in March, Dylan dramatically flopped down onto the sofa opposite his sister, having just been dropped off from a climbing session with one of the members of the student climbing club.

  ‘I nearly managed it today, Lor.’

  ‘Hello to you too,’ Taylor said, barely looking up from her laptop. She had been planning to turn her spare room into a study for herself, but now that her brother occupied it, she used her laptop to work wherever the mood took her.

  ‘The triple overhang. I nearly got it!’

  ‘Yeah?’ Taylor said, still typing away, not really listening.

  ‘Yeah, but then I got distracted because Paige was climbing next to me, naked, so...’

  ‘Very funny,’ Taylor said, pressing the save button on her project and closing her laptop. ‘I can multi-task, you know.’

  ‘I was just checking,’ Dylan said innocently. Taylor threw a pillow at him.

  ‘I managed the first two overhangs but lost my grip on the third. It’d taken me all night to get past the second, so I was pooped.’