The Face of It

by Rosie Williams

  ‘Can I... What can I do to fix this?’ Taylor said carefully.

  ‘You’ve apologised, and you seem to have meant it -’

  ‘I do!’ Taylor nearly shouted, taking Paige aback.

  ‘So I will accept your apology,’ Paige continued deliberately, ‘and maybe we can be friends?’ she finished hopefully.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really. I enjoy spending time with you,’ Paige said in an awkward, formal manner.

  ‘I would like that,’ Taylor said, a laugh twitching at her lips. They lapsed back into silence. The coffee shop started to quieten down as the shoppers ended their breaks and braved the outside world once more. This meant the coffee machines were also quieter, and there was no one yelling orders; just little old ladies nattering quietly and lonely-looking older gents squinting at their newspapers. Paige sipped her tea, the warm liquid spilling down her throat, providing a familiar comfort. Taylor seemed to still not know where to look, and seemed to have taken particular interested in some of the paintings on the coffee shop wall.

  ‘What are you working on?’ Paige asked, aware that she had interrupted something studious.

  ‘Oh, just my research project. I’ve finally got some actual time to work on it, but I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.’

  ‘What is it on?’ Paige asked, choosing a topic of discussion she knew Taylor would be more comfortable talking about. It greased the wheels of the conversation, and it wasn’t long before they were almost at the speed they had been at back in December. Paige updated Taylor on her own research, empathising with the frustration of not having as much time to work on the research project as she would like. She even managed to make Taylor laugh a few times. She had missed that smile. But she could still feel that her walls and barriers were very much still up, unsure what kind of bulldozer would be needed to knock them down. As it stood, she was happy to speak to Taylor again, but was still keeping her at a safe distance. She knew Maya would tell her she was just isolating herself once more, but she didn’t think she could take being hurt like that again.

  ‘Right, well, I have to go now. I’m going to the climbing centre,’ Paige said when their conversation had hit a natural lull.

  ‘Oh, OK,’ Taylor said, visibly disappointed. ‘Well, it was lovely to see you,’ she added, her eyes sparkling. Paige stood up and offered Taylor her hand to shake, just had she had done in the pub all those months ago. Taylor took it, gripping it tighter than she had back in autumn. Paige matched her force.

  ‘Will you come climbing again soon?’ she asked, trying to phrase it as a question, but the words that left her mouth definitely sounded more like a request.

  ‘Umm, yeah, maybe,’ Taylor said, caught off guard.

  ‘Good. Bye, then.’

  Paige strode out of the coffee shop, feeling able to hold her head high. She had done something that terrified her, and it had paid off, it sounded like she had her friend back. But at the same time she had shown herself respect by creating boundaries. A good day, all in all. Now to take on that triple overhang.

  TAYLOR

  Taylor watched Paige leave, almost going as far as twisting all the way around in her seat to do so. She closed her laptop suddenly, her eyes roving around the room, her brain having no idea how it was feeling. The heavy weight she had been carrying in the pit of her stomach for the last few months had all but disappeared. Her neck felt less tense, and there was a swelling inside her chest that vaguely resembled... joy? Triumph? Was that what she was feeling? Either way, she couldn’t tolerate just sitting there and dwelling on whatever the feelings were. Once she was sure enough time had passed since Paige left, she packed up her things and exited the coffee shop, with no idea where she was going. She passed many people in the streets, either moving with purpose or dawdling the day away. Some of them were couples holding hands, cherishing that physical connection. Others had headphones on, eyes to the ground, shunning the world around them. Taylor took it all in and none of it at the same time.

  Eventually she found herself by the river; a section of the city she had barely explored. Here there was a hydroelectric weir and its housing. A few people were wandering around, reading the placards or looking at the giant turbines spinning slowly, sloshing the water around. Taylor went up to the railings and leant on them, breathing deeply in what felt like the first time in months. A few ducks floated past, oblivious of her or the giant whirring turbines a little further down. She felt like a helium balloon barely tethered to the ground.

  A cloud slowly drifted in front of the sun, blocking out the light to the river. What if Paige would only ever want to be ‘just friends’ now? What if their relationship could never be repaired enough to cross over that thin line? Taylor shivered slightly. She’d still take friendship over silence any day.

  She hitched her bag back up on her shoulder and pushed off from the railings, heading back to her car. She’d walked much further than she’d realised so it was going to take her a while to get home, and she wanted to be there when Dylan got back from climbing; she had a bone to pick with him.

  Later that evening Taylor was sitting in her living room, the space lit only by the flickering light of the television. Dylan should have been home a couple of hours ago, but she wasn’t worried; she knew he was avoiding her. Eventually she heard the quiet clink of a key in the lock, and the slow depression of the handle as someone tried to enter unheard. Taylor turned off the television, the room now bathed in darkness. She heard Dylan kick off his shoes in the hallway and gently put his bag down. The carpet made the tiniest of rustling sounds with every step he took, crossing the living room to get to the kitchen. When Taylor thought he was about halfway across, in line with where she was on the sofa, she quickly illuminated her face with her phone torch and shouted, ‘Hello, traitor!’ loudly, before falling over sideways laughing. Dylan had jumped so much that he had thrown himself backwards and landed sideways on the other sofa, making the whole thing tip dangerously backwards, before gravity took pity on him and brought him back to earth.

  ‘Taylor! Jesus - what?!’ he stammered clutching his chest, struggling to get the words out.

  ‘That’s payback, Dyl!’

  ‘Payback for what?’ he said, before realisation dawned on his face. ‘Oh,’ he said sheepishly.

  ‘Yeah, “oh”,’ she responded. ‘You set me up! Again!’

  ‘Did it work?’ he asked quietly, making her throw a pillow at him. ‘What? A man can be curious if his devious plan worked, can’t he?’

  ‘It kind of worked,’ she said, relenting.

  ‘Kind of?’

  ‘She wants to be friends.’

  ‘That’s good!’ he said excitedly, finally arranging his limbs to sit properly on the sofa, just as Taylor put the side lamp on.

  ‘Yeah, but, just friends...’ she said, trailing off.

  ‘Oh’ he said, the deflation in his voice obvious. ‘That’s still better than nothing, right? And I mean, who knows what might happen in the future?’

  ‘Don’t get my hopes up, Dyl,’ she said curtly. ‘I can’t risk it, hurting her again.’

  ‘What’s life without a little risk?’

  ‘A safe one. One where you don’t lose friends because you pushed them too far.

  ‘Yeah, there is that,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders. ‘What’s for tea?’

  Taylor threw another pillow at him.

  ‘I swear, whoever invented scatter cushions has a lot to answer for!’ he said, standing up, scooping the pillow up from the floor, and throwing it back at her in one swift motion.

  ‘Be grateful they did, or I would have found something harder to throw instead!’

  ‘Good point.’

  Dylan disappeared off into the kitchen and started rummaging through the freezer for something to eat, the sound of crunching ice echoing through into the living room. Taylor retrieved her laptop from the coffee table and opened it up, the blue light harsh on her eyes. She decided to read over what she h
ad written that day, having completely lost the thread when Paige had popped up in front of her at the coffee shop.

  Dylan’s head appeared around the corner of the kitchen door. ‘Want anything?’

  ‘Sure, as long as there’s some kind of vegetable on the plate.’

  ‘You’re no fun.’ His head disappeared again, to be replaced by a lot of clattering and Dylan whistling away to himself. Her phone buzzed on the table, making it dance perilously close to the edge. Taylor picked it up and was surprised to see Paige’s name flash up on the screen. She was equal parts excited and terrified to open the message - what if Paige had changed her mind about being friends? Taylor put the phone down on the sofa next to her, resolving to look at it later once she had done some more work on her research. She lasted about five seconds before picking her phone up again.

  ‘Would you like to go climbing on Thursday?’ the text read, making Taylor’s heart skip a beat. She quickly texted back in the affirmative, having to correct her message multiple times, the eagerness of her brain not matched by the speed of her fingers, leading to many typos. By the time Dylan came back into the room carrying his dinner and a glass of squash, Taylor’s cheeks hurt from grinning so much.

  ‘Tea’s ready,’ he said, plopping down on the sofa and looking around for the television remote. Taylor picked it up and tossed it over to him before practically floating out into the kitchen.

  ‘What’s got you so happy?’ Dylan shouted to her as she retrieved her food.

  ‘Paige wants to go climbing,’ she said once she was back in the living room.

  Dylan just grinned in response.

  ‘Don’t you look so pleased with yourself!’ Taylor tried to chastise him, but she couldn’t stop the smile creeping across her face.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  A Change of Plans

  PAIGE

  It was nearing the end of May when Paige finally finished editing the first draft of her book. She had decided to stretch her legs by the river, her reward after being cramped up in her office for so long. Spring was getting ready to transform into a glorious summer. Young birds who had hatched only a few short weeks ago, danced around the sky, stretching their wings and learning how to sing. The river was calm and tranquil. It gurgled softly as it drifted by, not worrying about its destination, just enjoying the ride. The river banks were alive with activity, with small mammals visiting the water’s edge to drink and butterflies fluttering between the wild flowers. Bees buzzing as they travelled between petals, their humming providing the sweet rhythm for the rest of the world to thrive. The sun gazed down, gently warming everything its light tendrils touched. A heron perching on a high branch waiting, expanded his large wings and took flight at the sound of cyclists coming down the path, his shadow flickering across the water as he flew. Paige moved over to the side of the path to let the cyclists past. They slowed down and gave her a curt nod, before zooming off into the distance, the whirring of their wheels fading away. Paige arrived at one of her favourite spots by the river. There was a small clearing in the trees and bushes that allowed for amazing views across the water. At some point someone had added a felled tree trunk which provided the perfect place to sit. The old trunk’s bark was flaking and gnarled, but you could still make out a few places where young lovers had carved their initials into its soft shell.

  Paige sat down and closed her eyes, letting the dappled sunlight warm her face. She stretched her neck side to side, easing out the muscular kinks that had formed after working at her desk for so long. She tried to maintain good posture while working, but it was easier said than done. The latest cohort of History students were all but done for the year. There were a few more exams Paige would have to mark, but most of her teaching commitments were over until September. A few ducks floated past the riverside nook, their quacks almost sounding like laughter. Somewhere nearby someone was having an afternoon barbecue, the smoky smells intermingling with the smell of freshly cut grass from one of the fields on the other side of the river. Paige stretched her arms out wide and tried to convince herself that she couldn’t stay here all day.

  She felt her phone start vibrating in her pocket and debated not answering it, not wanting to be dragged back to reality. This feeling was compounded when she pulled the phone out and saw it was a blocked number. It was probably some scheme ringing about an accident that wasn’t her fault. She sighed and answered, deciding that nothing could dampen her current spirits.

  ‘Hello?’ she drawled, smiling at a duck cleaning itself on the water.

  ‘Hello, is that Miss Spencer?’ came a sickly-sweet voice on the phone.

  ‘This is Doctor Spencer? Who is this?’

  ‘Right, sorry. Doctor Spencer, my name is Amanda, I am a receptionist here at the Blue Forest Centre. I believe you are due for an autism assessment in November?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ Paige said, sitting up a little straighter, her muscles beginning to tense. She wasn’t sure if she was hoping they weren’t ringing to cancel, or that they were. She hadn’t given her assessment much thought since she’d had the initial letter.

  ‘Right, well, we’ve had a last-minute cancellation and we were wondering if you would like an appointment sooner?’

  ‘Err - yes, maybe,’ Paige stammered. ‘When?’

  ‘Tomorrow, at one.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’ Paige asked, her face draining of all colour, despite the warm sun.

  ‘Yes,’ the woman said, sounding marginally frustrated.

  ‘Oh, um, I don’t know -’

  ‘Miss Spencer, there is every chance your appointment in November could get moved if we have more urgent cases come up.’

  ‘What? But -’

  ‘So I would suggest you take this one.’

  ‘Oh, right. Errr - OK then?’

  ‘Great!’ the woman said, her tone changing back to sickly-sweet. ‘I’ll book you in for one p.m. Please bring a family member if you can, or a friend if no family member is available.’

  ‘What?!’

  ‘For the assessment. The psychologist needs to ask someone who knows you some questions.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s part of the assessment,’ the woman said unhelpfully.

  ‘Err, I’ll... try?’ Paige said helplessly. None of her family lived close enough or were likely to be free at such short notice. And Maya was still in Japan so she didn’t know what she was going to do.

  ‘Great! See you then!’

  ‘Err, OK. Bye,’ Paige said, and the receptionist promptly hung up. She sat staring at her phone for a few minutes, not entirely sure what just happened. Eventually she slowly got to her feet, her previously relaxed muscles all tense and twitchy. Her previously light legs now felt like they were made of lead as she struggled to put one foot in front of the other on her walk back to the university. The previously pleasant sound of the birds singing now felt loud and intrusive, a crow’s call particularly grating her insides. She resisted the temptation to cover her ears, having been told repeatedly by her family that it made her look weird or mentally unstable. The university seemed like such a long way away. She decided to distract herself by texting Maya, concentrating carefully on each letter as she typed it, relaying the news about the appointment. Originally they had planned that Maya would go with her to the assessment as moral support, but that wasn’t going to be possible now. Maya wasn’t even going to be awake when it happened, like she wasn’t awake now to respond to Paige’s text. Paige roughly shoved her phone back in her pocket and kept walking, not really knowing to do with her hands. She alternated between putting them in her pocket, clicking her fingers, and holding the hem of her jumper.

  Finally making it back inside her university building, she pressed the lift button and waited. Normally she would take the stairs, but this would be quicker and require less contact with other people. The lift doors opened and were blissfully empty, and she had never been more grateful that the university hadn’t decided on having lift music. Sh
e was on her office floor in a matter of seconds, her legs co-operating more fully now, allowing her to quickly make her way to her office. She slipped in and locked the door behind her, leaning back against it, the cool wood soothing her back.

  Her office was still glowing with the afternoon light, the multiple stacks of books on the floor looking like flowers reaching up to it. Paige had been looking up various publishing houses before she left for her walk, trying to decide which, if any, she should approach with the manuscript. A notebook still lay open on the desk in front of the sleeping computer screen, half-written notes scrawled across its pages. An empty glass of water sat off to the side. There was a new photograph on her desk, its purple frame standing out, as it did not match the wooden frames that contained photographs of her family. It was a photograph that Taylor had given her, taken on one of the group excursions to a local climbing spot. In the photograph Paige and Taylor stood next to each other, Taylor with her arm around Paige’s shoulders. Paige picked the photo up and a light bulb went on in her head. She quickly scrambled to get her climbing gear from under her desk, shut her computer down properly, and made sure the window was closed and locked. After locking her office door, she pulled out her phone, wanting to check if Taylor was climbing this evening. She replied quickly that she was, and Paige almost ran down the corridor towards the stairs.

  A few members of the climbing club had chosen a local spot for their excursion this evening. It was a low rock face where presumably, at some point millennia ago, some kind of tectonic shift had sheared one slab of rock away from another. The resultant rock face varied in height, between about three and five metres, and was a well-loved local bouldering spot. To reach the rock face climbers had to park their cars about a mile away and carry all their equipment, the most cumbersome being the heavy crash mats they used to break their falls.

  Paige pulled into the remote car park at around six o’clock. There were many other cars already there; other climbers, ramblers, even the odd kayaker or two exploring the local river. Paige nodded and smiled politely at anyone she recognised as she grabbed her kit from her car. As she had not been expecting to climb tonight, she didn’t have her crash mat with her, but she knew that didn’t matter, someone was always willing to share. Finally she set off towards the rock face. The many birds in the nearby trees sang to her as she walked, their voices once again sounding beautiful rather than overwhelming. As she neared the wall she could see specks of bright colours; other climbers already scaling the rocky surface. Jumping over a small stream she could hear the water trickling past, duetting with the laughter of the climbers as they chatted at the base of the wall, waiting their turn.