The Face of It

by Rosie Williams

  ‘Progress though?’ Taylor said, watching a little bit of chalk fall off his gesticulating hands and onto her sofa. He had been mimicking his hand position on the last hold.

  ‘Yeah. Paige really was there though.’

  ‘Not naked, I assume,’ Taylor said, opening her laptop back up again and pretending to scrutinise the work she had just completed. But her eyes remained statically staring at the screen.

  ‘No, not naked. Still hot though.’

  ‘Mmm-hmm,’ Taylor said, not wanting to get drawn into the conversation.

  ‘She asked after you,’ Dylan said quietly.

  Taylor’s eyes snapped up and stared at him, not entirely trusting that she heard him correctly.

  ‘She asked if you’d given up climbing.’

  ‘What did you tell her?’

  ‘I told her that you were hiding from her.’

  ‘Dylan!’ Taylor said, her face flushing red with anger.

  ‘Joking! Just joking, T, sorry.’

  ‘Not funny, Dyl.’

  ‘I told her you were busy with work.’

  ‘OK...’ Taylor said, looking at him distrustfully.

  ‘Pizza?’ Dylan said, noticing his sister’s discomfort.

  ‘Only if you shower first. You stink.’

  ‘C’mon, I can’t smell that b -’ he said, lifting up his arm and taking a whiff. ‘No,’ he said, gasping for clean air, ‘I stand corrected.’ He spluttered a little, before getting up from the sofa. ‘Order the usual? I should be out of the shower by the time it gets here.’

  ‘Oh, I see, I’m paying, am I?’

  ‘I’ll pay you back!’ he shouted, his voice fading away as he bounded up the stairs. Taylor rolled her eyes and brought up the website of their favourite pizza place. She had expected Dylan moving in to be more jarring, upsetting her routine and disturbing her personal space; after all, they hadn’t lived together for over ten years, not since they both left for university the first time around. But they’d fallen into an easy routine, living together more harmoniously than they ever did as teenagers.

  It didn’t take long for the pizza to arrive. Dylan sat on the sofa in a towelling dressing gown, stuffing slices into his mouth like he hadn’t eaten in days. The smell of tomato and melted cheese drifted around, accompanying the sound of the television and the rain hitting the windows. Dylan stuffed his last slice of pizza into his mouth, while Taylor was only about halfway through hers. Dylan threw the pizza box on the table triumphantly, stretched, and patted his stomach contently before letting out a loud belch.

  ‘Ew!’ Taylor said, wrinkling her nose and leaning away from him.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said, picking up his drink and settling back into the sofa.

  ‘I forgot how gross you could be sometimes,’ Taylor said, closing her pizza box and putting in on the table. ‘And don’t you dare snack on my leftovers while I’m at work tomorrow,’ she threatened, pointing her finger at him and raising an eyebrow.

  ‘I wouldn’t dare,’ he said, pulling what he evidently felt was an innocent face.

  ‘Uh-huh...’

  They watched television in silence for a while. Dylan kept glancing over at his sister, opening his mouth slightly and then focusing back on the TV. After about the fifth or sixth time this happened, Taylor called him out.

  ‘Spit it out, Dyl,’ she said, exasperated.

  ‘What?!’ he said, trying to act innocent.

  ‘Whatever you’re thinking about saying, just say it, so we can go back to watching the telly.’

  ‘I just... I was wondering if maybe you should try talking to Paige again,’ he said gently.

  ‘Again with this, Dyl?’

  ‘She asked after you! Clearly the door isn’t all the way closed.’

  ‘I said some terrible things, Dylan.’

  ‘I mean, yeah, but she’ll forgive you! If you give her the chance to, I’m sure she’ll forgive you.’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I may have also told her that her problems were nothing compared to dealing with alcoholism...’ Taylor said, her face burning red. Dylan went quiet, which was unusual for him. Eventually he spoke, in barely a whisper.

  ‘Do you really think that?’ he asked

  ‘What I actually think is the two aren’t comparable. Like apples and oranges. But I didn’t think, did I? I just lashed out, and now...’

  ‘And now you spend your evenings sat on a sofa, working, or hanging out with your brother,’ he said pointedly.

  ‘Yeah,’ Taylor said with a sigh. ‘I want to tell her, to explain about you, and Daniella. But I just don’t think I can face her,’ she said in resignation.

  ‘Sounds like you two need your heads knocked together. I genuinely think she misses you.’

  ‘I guess we’ll never know,’ Taylor finished, shutting down the conversation.

  They carried on watching television before Taylor turned in for the night, citing work in the morning. Despite being overly tired from working well into the evening, sleep did not come easily for her. Her brain kept re-playing the argument with Paige, like it had so many times before, creating an ache inside of her that hurt like nothing she had felt before. She had never thought of herself as a bad person, but with this film strip on repeat in her head there wasn’t really any other conclusion she could come to. She knew her reaction had been due to fear stemming from her last relationship, ignorance of what Paige was trying to tell her, and the stress of what was going on with Dylan, but it was no excuse. A good person would never have said those things.

  ‘Well, I can fix one of those things at least,’ she thought to herself, deciding that if she wasn’t going to be able to sleep she might as well do something productive, and she started researching autism on her phone.

  PAIGE

  Paige was at university that morning, searching the library shelves for a specific book on World War Two garments and nutrition, to add to the large pile of books she had already piled onto a nearby desk ready to check out. She was repeating the Dewey Decimal Number over and over in her head as she scanned the volumes, having finally narrowed down her search to one shelf. Normally she searched for things by shape and colour, matching it to the image her search revealed in the database, but she had no idea what this book looked like. Her eyes flicked over it the first time she saw it, barely registering the thin spine and tiny numbers, but something made her go back and check. She gratefully pulled the small book off the shelves and added it to the pile, thankful not to be adding much more weight as she heaved the books into her arms.

  After scanning the books out, Paige made her way to the lift, awkwardly leaning around the book stack and pressing the button with a barely extended index finger, to call the lift down from the third floor. She was only one floor down, but her arms were already aching from the additional weight, so she wasn’t going to even attempt the stairs. The lift was empty when it arrived and Paige gratefully stepped in, only just managing to negotiate the small corner where the control panel was to press the button for the third floor.

  Paige was relieved when she got to the final corner before turning onto the corridor leading to her office. However, stood in front of her office door was a lone figure, seemingly peering through the window. It wasn’t a History student or staff member that she recognised, and she immediately tensed up, taking a few more steps forward. The strange person had just turned to leave when Paige called out to them, prepared to challenge them if they weren’t supposed to be here.

  ‘Can I help you?’ Paige shouted from her end of the corridor. Her stomach twisted as the strange man turned around; she hated confrontation. But now the man was facing her, she recognised him straight away.

  ‘Oh, hi, Dylan! I didn’t recognise you, not in climbing gear!’ she said with a smile as she continued walking down the corridor, relieved it was someone she knew.

  ‘Hi, Paige, how are you?’ he asked, a slight nervousness in his voice.

  ‘I’m g
ood, and yourself?’ she said, finally reaching the office door and awkwardly fumbling with her keys. The stack of books she now had precariously balanced in one arm was restricting her movement and visions.

  ‘Err... need a hand?’ Dylan asked, awkwardly, offering to take the books off her.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, dumping the heavy books in his arms. He stumbled slightly at the weight; clearly not expecting them to be that heavy.

  ‘Do you want to come in?’ she said, holding the door open for him. He mumbled an answer, before staggering into the room and dumping the books on her desk with a thud that made the frames on the walls quiver.

  ‘Is this a social call, or are you looking to switch degree programs?’ Paige said, offering him the chair her students usually sat in, while she started putting the stack of books away onto what looked like a new set of shelves.

  ‘Err... social,’ Dylan said awkwardly. ‘Kind of.’

  ‘Kind of?’

  ‘It’s about Taylor,’ he said. Paige froze briefly, book mid-air, at the sound of her name. She quickly regained her composure and continued putting the books away.

  ‘How is your sister?’ Paige asked, still with her back to Dylan.

  ‘She’s OK, I mean, she’s happier now her research is going well, but...’ he trailed off. Paige carried on stacking her books. ‘She’s very sorry. And I think she misses you.’

  Paige suddenly dropped the book she was holding. She scrambled to the floor and snatched it back up, clearing her throat as she did so.

  ‘Did she tell you why she was sorry?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

  ‘She told me you two fought. Or, rather, that she completely over-reacted, yelled, and in general messed up, but hasn’t stopped beating herself up about it since.’

  Paige kept her back to him, not wanting him to be able to read the many expressions that must have been appearing on her face. He seemed to take her silence as encouragement to continue.

  ‘She told me what she said. And, more importantly, what she didn’t say. She hasn’t told you about Daniella, has she? Or... or me?’

  ‘You?’ Paige said, finally turning around.

  ‘Yeah. See, I’m an alcoholic. I’ve put her through hell. And your lunch date with her was a few days after I had fallen off the wagon. The first drink I’d had in years.’

  ‘Oh,’ Paige said, sitting down. She still wasn’t able to look at Dylan. He hesitated a little before continuing.

  ‘Also, her ex, Daniella, used to fake illnesses and use it to manipulate her. I mean real, serious illnesses, life-threatening ones. She used her apparent illness to stop Taylor leaving the house, seeing her friends or family, and she was constantly having to take time off work to look after her which meant she was passed over for promotion...’

  ‘That sounds awful,’ Paige said, still not looking up.

  ‘It broke her, when she finally learnt the truth. She had built this whole life with someone, and it turned out to be one manipulative lie after another. She hasn’t dated anyone since, well, not until -’ He stopped himself.

  ‘Until me.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  The two sat in silence for a while, neither really knowing what to say. The clock on the wall ticked away loudly, and Paige’s computer fans occasionally whirred into life.

  ‘She really is sorry,’ Dylan said eventually. ‘And so am I, for my part in this.’ Paige smiled weakly but didn’t respond. ‘Would you... would you see her again? Give her a chance to apologise in person?’

  Paige lifted her gaze to him. Not really seeing him, but his sister.

  ‘I think so,’ she said eventually. ‘Would she... want to meet up with me?’

  ‘I don’t know. She’s so ashamed. I was hoping we could arrange for you two to... bump into one another.’

  ‘Right. Just like at climbing,’ Paige said with a smile. ‘Taylor told me you’d engineered that.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Dylan said sarcastically, feigning innocence. ‘So you’ll do it?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said after a pause, sounding more confident. ‘I have missed her, too.’ She spoke quietly this time, more to herself than to Dylan.

  ‘Great!’ Dylan said, jumping to his feet. ‘I’ll arrange to meet her at the coffee shop at a time that works for you, and hopefully she’ll have the sense not to run away.’

  ‘I imagine it will be more a “deer in the headlights” kind of scenario,’ Paige said, laughing as she also stood up.

  ‘Great, well, I’ll see you at climbing sometime?’ Dylan said awkwardly.

  ‘Yes,’ Paige answered. ‘Dylan... thank you,’ she said, offering him her hand to shake. He laughed slightly but took it anyway, and she squeezed his hand tightly. ‘Thank you.’

  Dylan smiled at her and then darted out the door, seemingly wanting to get as far away from her office and their conversation as possible. Paige watched the door slowly shut behind him and sighed, not entirely sure what she had just gotten herself into.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  The Meet Up

  PAIGE

  Paige didn’t know what to expect as she made her way to the coffee shop that blustery March morning. It was a Saturday, and Dylan had arranged to meet Taylor there but sent Paige instead. Paige wasn’t sure how on board she was with the mild deceit, but she trusted Dylan's judgement when it came to his sister. Going against her normal standards, Paige had deliberately aimed to be on time, rather than early as usual. She didn’t want to spook Taylor by getting there before her. She wasn’t entirely sure why she was being so considerate of someone who had hurt her feelings so badly; the pain she had felt in empathy when Dylan told her about his sister’s history probably had something to do with it. The wind picked up slightly, blowing some rubbish around in circles, making it skip away.

  Paige paused outside the glass coffee shop doors. She could see Taylor sat with her back to the door in the middle of the coffee shop, working on something on her laptop. The coffee shop was fairly busy, with shoppers taking a mid-morning break or late risers getting their caffeine hit before perusing the local stores. Paige took a deep breath before pushing on the heavy glass door, the noise of the wind dying away as soon as she crossed the threshold. She hesitated at the end of the shop counter, hovering somewhere between ordering a drink, sitting straight down, and simply running away. Taylor was too engrossed in her laptop to have noticed her come in, so she settled on getting a drink. It gave her a chance to run through what she was going to say, and what she needed Taylor to say to be comfortable with forgiving her.

  ‘The usual?’ the barista said when she got to the front of the queue. Paige just nodded, paid, and resumed fiddling with the hem of her jumper. The closer the barista got to finishing making her drink, the more Paige felt like her stomach had been replaced by a hollow void. She picked up the tray with her pot of tea, cup, and saucer and made her way over the table where Taylor sat. Her hands were shaking so badly the teacup rattled on the plate. Paige was sure the rest of the coffee shop was being deafened by it. A large family occupied one corner; three generations in one space, smiling and laughing. Paige could hear each of the individual noises each person was making.

  Within a few more steps she had made it as far as Taylor’s table. She stood opposite her, holding her tray, waiting. Taylor had earphones in and was deftly tapping away on her keyboard, oblivious to her observer. Paige just stood there, not quite sure how to proceed. Taylor looked up from her screen, deep in thought, and saw Paige standing in front of her. She jumped, before violently ripping the earphones out of her ears, adding the tinny sound to the cacophony of other sounds bombarding Paige’s senses at that moment.

  ‘H... hi’ Taylor stammered, staring open-mouthed at Paige.

  ‘Hello,’ Paige said, still standing like a statue.

  ‘Are you... would you like to sit?’ Taylor asked hesitantly. ‘I’m meeting Dylan but I’m sure -’ she began, before her brain caught up to the situation.
‘Did he -?’

  ‘Yes, and yes. Dylan set this up.’

  ‘He’s done it again, the git. When will I learn?’ Taylor said, placing the palm of her hand against her forehead. ‘I’m sorry, don’t feel you have to stay because you thought you were meeting Dylan,’ Taylor continued, before starting to pack up her stuff. ‘In fact, I’ll leave, you can have this table - it seems pretty packed in here anyway.’ She rushed the words out in her effort to escape the situation as fast as possible.

  ‘Sorry, I should have explained,’ Paige said calmly, ‘Dylan and I set this up. I knew I was meeting you. He didn’t think you’d come if you were likewise informed.’

  ‘Oh...’ Taylor said, ceasing her packing and slumping in her chair. ‘Wait, you agreed to this? I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again,’ she continued, sitting up slightly straighter and tucking her hair behind her ears, before nervously adjusting the hoodie she was wearing. Paige, seeing that Taylor had decided to stay, placed her tray on the table and sat down, removing her coat and putting her bag on the floor.

  ‘So... er... how are you?’ Taylor said awkwardly.

  ‘I am well, thank you. I haven’t fallen down any hills recently, anyway.’ Paige responded, smiling, trying to put a clearly uncomfortable Taylor at ease.

  ‘Haha...’ Taylor laughed awkwardly.

  ‘Dylan told me about his alcoholism and about Daniella,’ Paige said, cutting straight to the point. Taylor’s eyes immediately widened, and she went very pale, before turning red.

  ‘I... I...’ she stammered.

  ‘He also told me you were sorry and were beating yourself up over what you said.’

  ‘I... I am sorry. I am so sorry. I should never have said any of the things I said. You didn’t deserve that. You really didn’t deserve that.’

  ‘I know, but you don’t deserve to beat yourself up over it either. You’re not a bad person,’ Paige said, trying to put on an air of calmness, but her hands were still trembling as she lifted her teacup to her lips. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither woman wanting to make eye contact with the other. Paige was once again unsure how to proceed.