The Vine Cross (The Vine Series Book 1)
Page 39
“I didn’t mean it like that,” said Jesse, stepping back, realising she was defensive once again.
Silently warring with himself, he thought about kissing her, forcing her to admit her feelings for him. He knew she’d give in to them, but he didn’t want to force himself on her. She had to choose him. She had to feel in charge, otherwise he’d just be another man to put pressure on her, and he had to show her he was different, that he was worth letting in. But it seemed every time he spoke to Hayley he said the opposite of what he felt, and just dug a deeper trench between them. He was wondering when he’d need a new shovel; he was undoubtedly over using this one.
“No, course you didn’t,” said Hayley sarcastically under her breath.
It cut deep that she was comparing him to every other man in her life, but then could he really blame her, when no one had ever just loved her?
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jesse’s voice rose, and she glanced at the door in a way to remind him they had company.
“Have you forgotten why we split up?” She asked genuinely. Taking a step closer to him so she didn’t have to raise her voice, she reminded him, “You couldn’t bear to be near me, how’s that changed?”
Jesse dropped his head. He knew he had been distant with her. After watching her nurse Daniel, and with the impending trial, Jesse had removed himself from being Hayley’s shoulder, confident and lover.
He still didn’t properly understand why he had himself, but he just knew he had. That was undeniable. He couldn’t listen to her describe the things she’d endured. He wanted to punch something every time she opened up, and the adrenalin that caused through his veins made him pace, flinch and sometimes hit out. That was when he would leave her to beat the shit out of a punch bag back in the police station’s gym. The nightmares made him feel helpless and watching her lie her way through explaining them was heartbreaking as she stopped trusting him with them. He’d messed up, but the whole thing had been disturbing and had made him feel physically sick to think about all the things Hayley had been through, and on the times he was honest with himself, he felt guilty, guilty that he had let her down. She had needed him to protect her, and instead he’d hauled her into the cop shop to grill her about the brand Demy had burnt onto her back. The same symbol they had printed on cocaine bags.
They had needed to know where the logo came from, but he had known the last thing Hayley would want to do was recount the story of how she had got it. So he’d betrayed her and forced her to go on tape, only to find out later that day, she was under the illusion she was visiting him in hospital after being involved in an accident. Realising there had been no accident and Hayley had disappeared off the face of the earth for six months. The longest six months of his damn life. Six months he would never get back. Six months he could never rewrite and six months where the beautiful girl he knew was being brutalised and turned into a spitting cobra. She was frightened and trying to disguise it with an attitude she didn’t really possess, but it was enough to keep them separate and so was a barrier he’d have to deal with if he would ever see the girl underneath again, but it was unrelenting, and exhausting.
“I just needed time,” explained Jesse, hoping she’d understand.
Hayley wasn’t so sure that it was time that was the issue. He could no longer see her, all he saw was what she had been through, and she couldn’t deal with that. Being reminded you were a victim every day, did not build self-worth, it just reinstated the idea that she’d never be unblemished.
“There can’t be an us, when he may as well be in bed with us.” she answered, swiping a lone tear from her cheek, before turning back towards the door so she could run that much-needed bath.
Thinking quickly that she didn’t want this to be the last conversation he had with her, she turned back to him. “Jesse.” When he met her eyes, she sighed to see the hurt she’d put there. “I’ll always love you.” Before he could respond, she rushed from the room.
***
Hayley filled the bath, running bath liquid into the flow from the tap, watching the bubbles they created at the bottom as they mixed. Grabbing her cheap razor, she examined it to check it was clean, then laughed at herself. Infection would not be an issue for her, not if it worked anyway.
Slipping out from under her clothes, she folded them up, placing them on the toilet lid. No reason to make Marie do any more work. Stepping in, it comforted once the warm water enveloped her, sinking into the warmth as her muscles relaxed and the tension in her neck dissipated. Taking the razor, she cracked the side open, removing the blades carefully. Twisting them around in her fingers, they glinted as the light above her caught them. Suddenly feeling anxious, she held the blade to her left wrist and closed her eyes. Breathing deeply, she felt the blade cut through her skin, sending a sting up her arm.
A tear rolled down her cheek, and she shakily breathed in again. She could do this, she just had to persist. The pain in her heart would stop. Sounds in her head would seize. The sick feeling in her stomach would be no more.
Visions of Jesse and Daniel ran through her mind on a film reel, laughing, singing and kissing. Breathing deeply, she forced the blade in, but no amount of breathing was helping her move the blade, and she crumpled into a soggy, tearful spasm. Dropping the blade down the side of the bath from her shaky hands, she pulled her legs up to her chin and sobbed. She couldn’t even do that right, she thought, watching blood stream down her legs and turn the water pink.
To be continued in The Vine Tree.
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank all those people in my life who have been there for me in my darkest moments, you know who you are, and I love you dearly.
I would like to thank those who have helped me immensely in my writing career such as all those who have beta read this book and offered advice to those who received ARC’s and given honest reviews.
Thank you to two authors who have also been on the other end of the computer offering encouragement, help and advice every time I’ve needed it. C.R. Riley and Julie Thorpe you are amazing authors and fond friends. I’m so thankful to have found you.
Also by S. P. Dawes
Continue Hayley’s story:
The Vine Tree
The Vine Coda
The Band of Brother’s series includes some of the characters from The Vine series.
Path to Redemption
Thicker than Water
Fight for Me
All my books can be found on Amazon.