The Memory of You

by Catherine West

  It was time to let Marnie go.

  The older woman’s face displayed more sorrow, fear, and pent-up emotion than Natalie knew what to do with. She moved toward her and embraced her in a long hug.

  Sarah sank against her and choked back a sob. “I tried calling Tanner’s cell . . . tried to find you earlier.”

  “Didn’t check my messages. Sorry.” Tanner cleared his throat. “Where are the kids?”

  “Upstairs. We were over here watching a movie,” Sarah explained. “I didn’t know they were coming in tonight.”

  “We were able to find an earlier flight. I did leave a voice mail.” Brian shot Sarah a look of concern.

  “Well, I didn’t get it.”

  “Have the kids seen them?” Tanner’s voice held a frantic edge but Sarah shook her head.

  “The kids were already asleep when they arrived.”

  “Good.” Tanner folded his arms, still glowering.

  “Okay. Why don’t we all take a seat?” Grandpa shot Natalie a pointed look and she nodded. Took Tanner’s hand and tried to coax him to a chair, but he shook her off.

  “I don’t want to sit. I want them to leave.” He pointed at his father with a trembling hand.

  “Tanner, they need to be here,” his mother said. “You know that.”

  Brian Collins raised his hands in surrender. “Son—”

  “Don’t call me that.” Tanner took a step forward and Hal moved to stand between Tanner and his dad.

  “Tanner, you need to calm down.” He placed his hands on Tanner’s shoulders and waited until he looked at him. Natalie watched fear replace his fury.

  “Did something happen today?” Tanner’s voice trembled, moisture pooling in his eyes. “Is Marnie gone?”

  “No, sweetheart. Tanner . . . come sit.” Sarah patted the spot beside her on the couch and Tanner lowered himself down and put his head in his hands. Sarah wrapped an arm around his back. “I know it’s hard. But you knew this was coming. We’re talking about Monday. But Rance has power of attorney. He—”

  “What?” Tanner’s head shot up and he glared at his sister’s ex. “That’s not possible.”

  “Actually, it is. Because I’m still married to Marnie.” Rance sniffed and ran a hand down his face, his eyes moist. “She left me, but we never officially divorced.”

  Tanner shook his head. “I don’t believe you. Mom, she said, they . . . she . . .” Tanner leaned back against the couch and rubbed his face, his chest heaving. Natalie’s heart broke for him.

  “Marnie said a lot of things that weren’t true, Tanner,” Sarah said. “I didn’t know there wasn’t a divorce either.”

  Tanner skewered Rance with a glare. “So you want to come in now, sign a piece of paper, and be done with it? You’ve got two kids who haven’t seen you in years. How do you explain that?”

  “Tanner.” Brian slid off his jacket and loosened his tie. Let out a breath and glanced at Rance. Natalie noticed a flash of gold on Brian’s left hand. “When Marnie left Seattle, we didn’t know where she’d gone. She didn’t head straight here. It took weeks to track her down. She drove the kids all over the place. They lived out of their car . . . it was the middle of winter. We’re lucky they made it down here in one piece.”

  “I’m not asking you,” Tanner snapped. “I’m asking him. Your kids have been here five years. Where have you been?”

  The guy let go of a long, sad sigh. “I was pretty messed up when Marnie left. It took me a few years to get my head on straight. I’m not proud of it, but that’s who I was back then. A friend finally convinced me to get help. I’m clean now. And I knew they were safe here. Happy. I didn’t want to confuse them, I guess. I figured until I could get my life together, they were better off without me.”

  “They are.” Tanner’s stare never wavered. “They don’t need to have their lives turned upside down again. And they’ll have to lock me up before I let some drug addict take them out of my home.”

  “Whoa, back up.” Rance held up a hand. “You don’t know me, man.”

  “I don’t need to know you.”

  “Yeah, actually you do.” Rance let out his breath and scanned the room. “You’re right. I was a druggie. Marnie had her issues, but so did I. I didn’t think I wanted to be a dad. Sure wasn’t ready for the responsibility. But I’m not that man anymore. I’ve been clean going on two years now. I have a good job, and I’m ready for that commitment. And, like it or not, they are my kids. You can’t stop me from seeing them.”

  “Nobody’s stopping you.” Tanner’s dad placed a hand on Rance’s arm and gave him a look of warning. “Tanner, I realize this is a lot to take in, son, but—”

  Tanner shot to his feet. “If you call me that one more time, I swear I’ll—”

  “Tanner, stop!” His mother rose and grabbed his arm. “Losing your temper isn’t going to solve a thing. Now look, it’s late, and we’re going to have a hard day tomorrow with the kids. I suggest we call it a night.”

  Tanner shook her off and stormed from the room. A moment later the slam of the front door shook the house.

  Sunday was excruciating. He didn’t know how he sat through church that morning. They made a sorry bunch, the lot of them, wiping their eyes and sniffing through the sermon. Jason kept staring at Rance, seated across the aisle and three pews down. Tanner wanted to drag the man out of the sanctuary by his collar. Natalie kept squeezing his arm, like she could read his mind. Which she probably could.

  Lunch was painful. For some reason his mother insisted on inviting his father and Rance to join them. And then, that afternoon, they sat down together and explained to Jason and Jeni what Tanner suspected they already knew.

  Tomorrow they’d say good-bye to their mother.

  That evening, Tanner trekked down the hall to the kids’ bedrooms, his heart thundering. Wondered how fast he could pack their stuff and head for the border after the funeral.

  Jeni was asleep, her arms wrapped tight around her teddy bear, Gwin sprawled at the bottom of the bed. Tanner picked up a few books off the floor and set them on her bookshelf. Scanned the outfit laid out for the following day, his throat burning, a pink skirt with a white T-shirt with big pink and red flowers over it, Jeni’s favorite.

  Tanner leaned over his niece and laid a hand on her head. “God, help me,” he breathed out. Tears stung and warmed his cheeks as he watched Jeni roll onto her back, a sleepy smile on her lips. Her eyes fluttered and opened for a split second.

  “Uncle Tanner?”

  “Shh. Just saying good-night, princess. Go back to sleep.”

  Jeni sat up, sleepy eyes wide and red-rimmed. “Mama’s gonna die,” she whispered.

  “I know.” A tear slipped down her cheek as he brushed her hair back.

  She smacked his hand away.

  “You said the doctors would make her better!” Huge gulping sobs erupted from her tiny chest. “You promised!”

  Tanner stared at her in horror. “Jeni . . . I . . .”

  What? What could he say or do to take her pain away?

  He had promised.

  She inched up the bed and clutched her teddy bear in a choke hold, eyes flashing. “You said you always keep your promises. Why’d you lie? Make them do it, Uncle Tanner! Make my mommy better!”

  “Baby, I can’t.” Grief squeezed all the air from his chest. “I’m sorry I promised you that. I shouldn’t have.”

  “But you did.” Jeni turned her back on him and burrowed her face in the pillow. Tanner put a hand on her back and she scooted away. “Leave me alone!”

  “Jeni, I’m sorry.” He wanted to scoop her into his arms, hold her, and make it all go away. But all he could do was sit there while she cried.

  Once Jeni’s breathing slowed and she sank back into slumber, Tanner backed out of the room.

  They’d probably be up with her through the night. Lately, thanks to Jason talking about Rance, she’d started having nightmares, dreaming about people taking her away.

  Th
ere was no way to fix this.

  How would any of them get through the next day and what was to follow?

  Light glowed under Jason’s closed door. Tanner inhaled and pushed the door open.

  Jason sat on his unmade bed, still dressed in the day’s clothes, knees pulled to his chest as he glared at the wall in front of him. Tanner took a look at the empty shelves and stepped around landmines of Legos, books, Pokémon cards, and the contents of Jason’s closet. The kid had done a bang-up job of trashing his room.

  A flash of memory let him see himself at ten years old, having done the very same thing the day his father and Marnie left. Tanner knew this kind of pain.

  “Hey.” Tanner sank down beside Jason, put an arm around his nephew’s trembling shoulders, and pulled him close. He shut his eyes at the sound of the first sob.

  There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to take it away. He prayed through the stifling silence and wondered whether God would grant them a miracle. Not that he deserved it, but it sure would be nice. Because life was crashing down around him and he wasn’t sure how he was going to make it through the next forty-eight hours.

  “I don’t want to go tomorrow.” Jason wiped his eyes and released a shuddering sigh.

  “Me either.” Tanner tightened his hold and rested his chin on Jason’s sweaty head. “It’s gonna be hard, Jase, but we need to let her go.”

  “Why didn’t God just make her better?” Jason lifted his chin and stared up at him through defeated eyes. “I asked Him every day. Why didn’t He listen?”

  Tanner clenched his jaw and blinked. “He did listen. But sometimes God allows things we don’t understand. Things we don’t like, things that don’t make sense. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. Doesn’t still want the best for us.”

  “How is this the best?” Jason stuck his bottom lip out, his eyes filling again.

  Tanner swallowed the burning acid in his throat. “Remember that day last year, we were fishing in the river and you lost your footing?”

  “Yeah.”

  It had been the end of winter, but the sun was out and Tanner figured it’d be fun. But Jason waded out too far and slipped. His terrified yell turned Tanner’s blood cold. Next thing he knew, Tanner was up to his neck in icy water, gripping his nephew’s hand, and trying desperately to inch back to the riverbank before the rushing water took them both under.

  “Remember how I grabbed your hand that day, Jase? How I promised I wouldn’t let go?”

  Jason shrugged. “I remember being scared and screaming at you to not let me go.”

  “And I didn’t, did I?” Tanner ran a hand over the boy’s mop of brown hair. “What did I tell you, do you remember?”

  Tears shimmered on Jason’s blistering cheeks. “You told me to trust you.”

  “That’s right. And that’s what I’m asking you to do now, bud. Trust me. And trust God. He’s not going to let go, and neither am I.”

  Soulful eyes studied him, filled with more questions than Tanner had answers for.

  Then Jason finally asked the question Tanner knew was coming. “Is my dad going to take us away?”

  Panic clawed its way upward and Tanner was back on that riverbank, trying to pull Jason to safety. “I don’t know, Jase.”

  “You don’t know? You mean he could?” The boy’s eyes widened and Tanner fought hard against the urge to lie and tell him absolutely not.

  “Let’s wait and see what the next few days bring, bud.”

  Jason fingered the soft blanket and heaved a sigh. “Can’t we just stay here with you and Nan? I don’t care if you never come to another game. And lots of dads work all the time. It’d be okay.”

  Tanner’s laugh was short and shaky. “But I’m not your dad, Jason.”

  Jason rubbed his eyes, his stare ripping Tanner’s heart in half. “I know, but you could be. You could marry Natalie and you guys could adopt us.”

  Tanner about fell off the bed. “Marry Natalie?”

  “Why not?” Jason’s watery smile said it was the perfect solution. “You guys like each other. Don’t you?”

  Oh boy. “It’s not that easy, Jase.” But it was surprisingly easy to imagine. Tanner sighed. “Look, Nan and I want you and Jeni to stay with us, if that’s the best thing. Right now we don’t know if it is. We don’t really know your dad, and he doesn’t know us. We have to figure it all out. So we’re just going to have to take it one day at a time, okay?”

  “No!” Jason pushed against Tanner. “You can’t let him take us, Uncle Tanner! You can’t!”

  “Jase, please . . .” Tanner’s vision blurred as he reached for his nephew. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Well, you’re supposed to! You’re supposed to look after us. Not let anything bad happen to us. You can’t let him take us. There must be something you can do!”

  Tanner held the boy tight and let him cry. He wanted to cry, too, just as hard. Jason leaned against Tanner’s chest and finally gave a tiny whimper. “This is freaking messed up.”

  “Yeah.” Tanner cradled his hand around Jason’s head and nodded. “It is.”

  Messed up didn’t come close.

  As he stood on the porch later, angry tears running down his face, Tanner shook his head at the night sky. This was worse than any punishment he’d ever conjured up for himself.

  Watching the kids live this nightmare, unable to ease their pain, faced with the possibility of having to let them go . . .

  If he had to let them walk out of his life . . . it would kill him.

  And . . . if he simply let them go without a fight? If he walked out of theirs?

  Then he’d be no better than his own father.

  Twenty-Eight

  HE’D EXPECTED RAIN. ON A DAY LIKE TODAY, THUNDERSTORMS would have been appropriate. Instead, bright sun streamed through the striped curtains of the quiet room where Tanner and his family gathered. One last time.

  Papers were signed. The doctor and nurses had disappeared, and now his mother stood beside Marnie’s bed, her arms around Jason and Jeni. She spoke in soothing tones, letting them know their mother was in no pain and that she would soon be with Jesus.

  Tanner’s shoulders shook and he gulped air. How was his mom not a complete wreck?

  He couldn’t even get one word out.

  And if that infernal machine beeped once more, he’d hurl it to the floor.

  Jason glanced his way through stormy, tear-filled eyes. Tanner’s father and Rance had already come in and now waited outside, giving them this time alone. Tanner was grateful for that. He summoned what little strength he had left, went to stand beside Jason, and his nephew fell against him, his thin frame wracking with sobs.

  “I know, I know.” Tanner held tight, his eyes flooding.

  God, get us through this. Let it be over.

  Let them be okay.

  Jeni tugged on his arm. “Uncle Tanner, can you pick me up?” she whispered. “I want to give Mama a kiss.”

  He hoisted her up and Jeni leaned over, smoothed back Marnie’s hair, and kissed her forehead. “Bye, Mama. I love you.”

  Jason cried harder, and Tanner heard his mother struggling to hold in her sobs. He held Jeni close against him and felt her tears on his neck as she buried into his shoulder. “Okay, sweetheart.” He met his mother’s red-rimmed eyes in silent question and she nodded.

  “You take the kids outside, and I’ll let the doctor know.”

  Tanner was never so glad to leave a room in all his life.

  He still held Jeni, and Jason clung to his arm. As they approached the small waiting area, Rance and Brian got to their feet. Rance took a couple steps forward and Tanner shook his head. The guy got the message and let them pass.

  Down in the large foyer, Tanner caught sight of Hal, Jeffrey, and Natalie.

  His eyes filled again as she walked quickly toward them, and Jeni lunged for her.

  Tanner hugged Jason close and wished his mother would hurry up.

  Ther
e was only so much a man could take, and he’d reached his limit today.

  Later that afternoon, Tanner sat alone on his back porch. Gwin rested her head on his knee, gazing up at him through mournful eyes. He ran a hand over her soft coat, completely numb.

  The back door creaked open and he knew it was Natalie before she sat down.

  “Hey.” She wound her fingers through his, rested her head against his arm, and gave him that smile he was starting to wonder if he could live without. “The kids are watching a movie and your mom’s resting.”

  Tanner nodded, his throat burning. “I didn’t expect you to come today. You didn’t have to.”

  “I know.” She sniffed and blinked tears. “But I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.”

  He sighed and slid his arm around her. “Thank you. I’m glad you were there. It meant a lot to the kids. And my mom. It wasn’t too much?”

  “Tanner.” She wiped a tear off his cheek and placed her hand against his face. “I’d do anything for you.”

  And somehow he knew she meant it. The words resonated, filled the hole in his heart, and almost made him smile. Words wouldn’t come, so instead, he leaned in, kissed her softly, and they sat in silence as the sun went down.

  Two days later, following the funeral service, friends and family gathered around a cleared patch of land by the small lake on the property where white swans swam and ducks dove for fish, and they planted rose bushes, lilies, and lilacs.

  Marnie was gone.

  A lot of people came to pay their respects. All the employees at Maoilios. The friends Marnie had made during her time with them. The kids’ teachers, people from church.

  David gave a brief sermon, but Tanner couldn’t remember a word of it. Marnie would be cremated, so they’d ended up here on Hal’s property at the kids’ request. Later, they’d have a quiet family dinner. Which included his father and Rance Harper.

  Tanner held Jeni in his arms as they watched Miguel and a couple other guys fill in dirt around the new plants.

  “These pretty flowers are going to grow and bloom and whenever we come down here, we’ll think of Mama in heaven,” Jeni explained. “And one day when I’m old and all grown up and shriveled, with lots and lots of grandchildren, I’ll see her again.”