Soulless

by Garr, Amber

  “Nora, I’d like for you to meet Sani Blackburn.” Mazie nudged me further inside and gestured to the man on the ground. It was unusual for Wardens to take a last name, then again, I had a feeling Sani was anything but usual.

  Several moments passed before Sani opened his eyes. A smile spread across his face as he slowly lifted his arm, beckoning me to join him. I looked at Mazie and she nodded.

  “Go ahead. I’ll leave you two alone.” She acknowledged Sani with a tilt of her head, and then drifted out the door in silence. The screech of the iron handle closing us in disrupted the peace of the room. Looking at Sani, I suddenly felt as unwelcome as that noise.

  “Please, sit.” His gentle voice and kind eyes soothed some of my nerves.

  Trying not to sneeze from the plume of smoke I passed through, I sank to the floor across from my new Advisor. He watched me carefully and I tried not to do anything that might embarrass me. Like knock over the small clay dishes full of liquid sitting precariously between us.

  Looking around the floor, I observed that everything was arranged in a perfect circle. From the dishes and burning herbs, to the woven fabric we were sitting on—it all had been placed there for a purpose. A bed, a small table, and four chairs had been pushed to the sides. Was he living in here?

  “Nora,” Sani said, startling me. “I’ve waited a long time to meet you.”

  I wanted to joke about his age and how long he really had waited, but my instincts told me that now wasn’t the time. I looked up at Sani and started to smile, but then I noticed his eyes.

  “Your eyes!” I said. Pushing up on my hands and knees, I carefully leaned over the delicate clay dishes to get a closer look. “They’re yellow. Like mine.”

  Sani nodded slowly and methodically. “Yes.”

  “But how? You’re not collecting right now.”

  “No, I am not.”

  “But mine only change when I’m escorting my souls.”

  Sani nodded but didn’t reply. I sat back with a huff. Sani was going to be difficult, I could just tell.

  He lifted one of the small dishes up to his nose and passed his hand over the top. Ignoring my comments, he changed the path of the conversation. “How much do you know about the Navajo culture?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing.”

  His eyes caught mine and seemed to stare straight through me. “Nothing?”

  “No,” I said quietly. “Should I know something?” I hated feeling inadequate and unprepared, and right now I was both.

  “Yes,” he replied, handing me the dish.

  I reached out and accepted it, surprised at how hot the liquid must be if the clay felt warm to my touch. “Why?”

  “Because you are Navajo, Yanaha.”

  I froze, staring at the old man who seemed to know more about me than I was ever told. Yet a soothing sense of belonging trickled over my skin and my eyes filled with tears. “No one knew where I came from,” I said through a clenched throat. Sani didn’t need to see me cry.

  “No?” he asked with his deep, calm voice.

  I shook my head. “Someone left me on the stairs of the orphanage when I was only a day old. I had no records, no clothes, nothing. I didn’t even have a name.” Of course I didn’t remember those first moments when I entered the system, but my tragic story became a selling point to potential foster parents. Unfortunately, no one ever liked me enough after they saw my mixed heritage and tendency not to speak. I’d spent my entire eighteen years as a human living inside the concrete walls of a city orphanage.

  “I am sorry, Yanaha,” Sani said after a few moments had passed. “We are supposed to take care of our own.”

  “Yanaha?” I asked.

  Sani nodded and smiled. “It means ‘brave one’ in our language. It would have been the name I’d given you.”

  “You say that as though you would’ve had a choice,” I teased. But when I looked up at Sani’s golden eyes, I saw guilt pulsing behind them. “How would you have named me?” I suddenly had a thought. “Wait, are we related somehow?”

  “In a way,” Sani replied. “But I’ve been…absent from the world for quite some time. And I am sorry I didn’t find you sooner.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, not sure why it was there in the first place. Was it because I finally felt a connection to my past, or was it because someone cared about me like family? My human family had been a blend of orphans and social workers, none of whom I ever formed a strong bond with. And Theron had been my family once I’d died. I never really knew what it was like to have a real blood relative no matter how many generations removed we may have been.

  “Drink,” Sani interrupted. He picked up a dish of his own. “We have much to discuss.”

  I looked down at the clear liquid releasing incredible scents of chamomile and lavender. Wondering what might be in it, I hesitated. Sani gestured for me to drink again, then downed his portion. Following suit, I decided not to be rude and threw back my head. The liquid slid down my throat like honey and warmed my insides instantly. My head spun for just a moment before everything in the room came back into sharp focus.

  “What was that?” I asked, smacking my lips together.

  “We have much to discuss and no room for errant thoughts to complicate the mind,” Sani said, ignoring my question.

  Normally, that statement would have concerned me; however, I accepted his answer and focused on his soothing voice instead.

  “Do you know what a shaman is?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Like a medicine man, right?”

  “In some cultures, yes. But, in general, shamans are those who can mend souls. They balance the wholeness of life and death by controlling the darkness of the living realm and the spirit world.”

  I rubbed my eyes and shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I think I need you to say that again.”

  “Shamans are a very important part of what we do, Nora.”

  Sani’s serious tone sent chills down my spine. I had a feeling he was telling me something vital; yet, even with the tea, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why this was important to me. “You mean, as Wardens?”

  He smiled. “Yes. We have an ability unlike any of the others.”

  “We?” I asked, catching his phrasing.

  “You are of shaman descent, Nora.” He reached behind his back and pulled the smoldering pile of weeds out from the pot they’d been sitting in. Using his free hand, he wafted the smoke into his face and inhaled sharply. A moment later he blew it in my direction. This time, I couldn’t stop coughing.

  “What is that?” I covered my nose and squeezed my burning eyes shut.

  “Larkspur,” Sani said. “Don’t fight it.”

  “How can you stand to breathe that?” I asked in-between coughs.

  “Open your eyes, Nora.”

  Feeling the need to comply, I opened them and sucked in a slow, deliberate breath. Once calm, I suddenly noticed that we weren’t alone in the room anymore. “Um, Sani. Do you know someone’s standing behind you?” The nearly transparent form of a young man in a full headdress with a wolf fur coat on his back stood stoically in the distance, looking at me with a sharp glare.

  Sani nodded in his slow way. “As there is someone behind you, too.”

  I twisted around quick enough to make me fall to the side. From my awkward position on the floor, I watched the form of an old lady waver in and out of this realm. Like the man with Sani, she also wore traditional clothing in the form of a leather dress with intricate beading. Her long, graying hair hung freely around her face, and her hands reached out to me.

  I scooted backward, nearly knocking over the rest of the clay dishes. Not only did I see the lady, but now, every direction I turned, another kind face greeted me. Young and old. Male and female. All of them Native American, and all of them watching me with keen eyes.

  “What…what’s going on?” I whispered, afraid to anger these ghosts. “Am I hallucinating?”

  A chuckle pulled my attention back to
Sani. I couldn’t believe he found this amusing. “It’s your family tree,” he said softly. “They’re here to welcome you.”

  My stomach twisted and the tears stained my cheeks. I came from somewhere. I had a family. It might be a family of ghosts, but they were my ghosts. And just as a sense of peace began to settle within, reality came crashing back. “But, they can’t be here. It’s not possible.” Once souls cross through the light, they are gone. Forever.

  “Anything is possible,” Sani said, blowing another plume of smoke in my direction. “The shaman bond is strong. And although we have some work to do, you have abilities all of us only dreamed about.”

  “Abilities to do what?” I asked.

  “To balance the dark,” he said in his enigmatic way. “But we must start from the beginning.”

  Sani passed me another clay dish and encouraged me to drink. Without too much hesitation, I agreed. Only this liquid concoction tasted like bitter old dirt and I almost spat it out on the floor. The ghosts filling the room started to chant and, in no time at all, my heavy eyelids closed. I could still hear my family’s songs, yet I couldn’t move or speak. Where I would’ve normally panicked at being paralyzed, instead…I felt at peace.

  As Sani continued to blow smoke in my face and sing along with our ancestors, something inside me came to life. Everything tingled, like my blood danced though my arteries, filling me up with hope. My skin shivered with every word, as though understanding what each one meant. Sani was awakening something inside of me. And for the first time for as long as I could remember, I knew I’d been born and had died for a purpose.

  Nora! A quiet voice pushed its way between the chants. But I quickly forgot about it and gave into the comfort of my shaman ritual.

  Nora, help! This time the sharp voice cut through the other noise in the room and a panicked wave of concern pulled me out of my trance. I sat up so quickly I nearly bumped heads with Sani.

  “Nora? What is it?” he asked, brow pinched in concern and beads of sweat glistening on his face.

  “Did you hear that?”

  Nora! This time I received the message clear enough to know that Jason was in trouble.

  Sani shook his head, but I jumped to my feet. “He needs me,” I said breathlessly, trying not to fall over from the strong wave of lightheadedness. “I…I have to go.”

  “Your ward?” Sani asked.

  “Yes. I hear him.” I pointed to my head. “In here.” I dropped my arm. “But how is that possible?”

  Sani smiled and sat back on his haunches. “It’s in your nature. You are connected with spirits of all kinds.”

  Not having the time to translate what that meant, I backed up toward the door. Nodding to all of my shaman ancestors in the room, I apologized. “I’m sorry. But he needs me.” The old lady who once stood behind me suddenly appeared in front of my face. I sucked in a breath and tried not to scream as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I couldn’t really feel her touch, but the gesture sent my heart into my throat. She loved me. That much was clear by her actions, and I wished, for just a moment, that I could feel her embrace. That I could feel her love.

  Please, Nora! Jason’s voice echoed in my head again.

  “Thank you,” I said to Sani as I slipped out the door. I didn’t want to leave my newfound family, but Jason needed me.

  And from the sounds of panic in his voice, something was terribly wrong.

  It only took a few minutes for me to reach my home. I really needed to get Charles to help me perfect how to travel as a mist, since he did it so well. But right now, I had to focus on Jason.

  Just as I arrived at the front door, it flew open and Charles stepped out directly into my path. His gray beard and long hair stuck out in all directions, and dark circles framed his frazzled eyes. “Oh good, you’re back,” he said with relief. “Is Jason with you?”

  I looked at my friend in confusion. “No. I left him with you a little while ago.”

  Charles grabbed my face between his hands and turned my head from side to side, as if examining me. I slapped his hands away.

  “What are you doing?” I snapped. “Where’s Jason?”

  “Are you serious?” Charles asked, taking a step back when he saw my glare. He shook his finger at me. “Nora, you’ve been gone for a week!”

  “What?”

  “Yes! You left us a week ago and I’ve been stuck watching over Jason.” His voice softened when he saw my reaction. “Not that I mind, but he got his register and I think he—”

  “Wait!” I interrupted. “He got his own register?” I decided that I’d worry about my lost time later as this new development certainly required my immediate attention.

  “Come look.” The tone in Charles’ voice was solemn.

  He led the way into my house and, sure enough, a second pedestal sat next to my own. On it, lay a register. I ran over to it, admiring the stallion on the front cover. A perfect animal choice for Jason.

  “I don’t understand,” I said, shaking my head. “Why did he get his own register already?”

  Charles walked over to stand beside me. “I don’t know.” Reaching out, he tried to touch it, only to jerk his hand back like he’d been shocked. “It’s definitely meant for him,” he said, clutching his hand and massaging the pain away. “I thought you would have known about this.”

  “I should have, right?” I asked. Aside from being lost in a room for a week without my knowledge, now Jason was moving through the ranks faster than he should. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

  Nora! Jason’s panicked voice pierced through all of my questions.

  “Something’s wrong,” I said, grabbing my stomach and fighting against our combined fear twisting inside.

  “What do you mean?” Charles asked. He rubbed his hand over my back in concern. “Do you feel him?”

  I shook my head. “No, I hear him.”

  “You hear him?” Charles stopped touching me and backed away quickly. “But that’s not possible…unless…” His eyes darted around the room.

  “Unless what?”

  “No, nothing,” Charles tried to cover his slip. He looked at me, inspecting with his knowing eyes. “There’s something different about you now.”

  “We don’t have time for this!” I said, angry at his evasiveness, but also upset at all the weird things going on around me. “Can you take me to him?”

  “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know!” I screamed at my friend, feeling bad the instant I did it. “Sorry, I don’t mean to yell at you. It’s just…”

  Charles reached for me and squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. I want to help him, too.”

  “There’s something going on, Charles. I don’t know what, but I don’t think I like it.” Memories of Theron’s warning came rushing back to the forefront of my mind. Panic clenched at my chest and Jason’s voice ricocheted through me. “Can you get me to him? I don’t have time to run through the realms. I need to teleport like you.”

  Charles took a deep breath. I knew he wanted to tell me no, but something must have convinced him otherwise. “It might not feel so great.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “And I can’t guarantee you’ll arrive in one piece.”

  I looked up at him in shock only to witness his grin. “That’s not funny, Charles.”

  He chuckled. “You need to calm down and focus,” he said, ignoring me. “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know!”

  “Nora, breathe…listen to him.” Charles remained patient with me as I struggled through the plethora of emotions slashing at my brain. The last thing I wanted to do was be calm.

  But then I remembered Sani and my ancestors. I pulled on their strength and envisioned being surrounded by generations of shamans and family. Closing my eyes, I began to breathe slowly—in and out—each breath taking me to a calmer state.

  Nora, where are you? Jason’s voice sounded muffled, like he called to me from deep within a tunnel. In my min
d, I turned and ran down that tunnel toward him.

  I’m coming, I thought. Tell me where you are.

  I had no idea whether or not he could hear me, but it helped my psyche stay focused. As I ran closer to the sound of his voice, the surroundings began to emerge from the mist. Buildings, night, an alley. Jason was in a city. But, which one?

  Look, Nora! I thought to myself. Take notice of the signs. I forced my vision to clear and looked up. Tall skyscrapers stretched forever into the sky, and I saw the distinct outline of Times Square. “He’s in New York!” I yelled to Charles. “Somewhere near Times Square. In an alley!”

  Charles nodded and wrapped his arms around me. “Hold on.”

  I didn’t even have a chance to second guess my decision before Charles propelled us out of our realm and into the streets of the living, breathing city. In a blink, we arrived. My body pulled back together with a sensation akin to dying. I swear I felt every cell, every bone reforming. It didn’t hurt necessarily, but the idea of my body being put back together piece by piece in a matter of milliseconds didn’t sit right with me.

  I fell forward and threw up all over the street.

  Charles laughed. I wiped my mouth and glared up at him. “I didn’t think I could throw up.”

  “Only when in solid human form,” he said with a smug tone, and pointed at me.

  I pulled myself back to standing, and felt my body, noticing that I was completely solid. And, fortunately, in one piece. But, unfortunately, I’d been dressed by Charles. “What are you wearing?” I asked.

  Charles had on cowboy boots, a hat, and a flannel shirt that I’d never seen him in before. He smiled. “Thought we’d be tourists from the Wild West.”

  I looked down at my own flannel shirt, jean skirt, and matching pair of studded boots lit dimly by the flickering streetlight above. “Charles,” I groaned, feeling my braided hair, “I think you’re taking this cowboy thing a little too far.”

  He winked. “It’s a much better look than the trashy sorority girl with undergarments hanging out.”