The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse

by Mumfrey, W. H.

  FIGURE 5.1: Major cities will likely be the focus of initial alien attacks during an invasion.

  SEEK ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF TRANSPORTATION

  As electromagnetic pulses (EMPs) can permanently immobilize vehicles with electronic ignitions and control systems, we must assume that you won't be able to make a quick getaway in your SUV after an alien invasion. Don't bother changing the solenoid in your vehicle, as EMPs usually only damage electronic circuitry, and it would most likely be unaffected.

  You and millions of other people will all be attempting to get out of the major urban centers at the same time, probably on foot. Your escape will need careful planning and preparation. Consider the use of older vehicles without electronic circuitry. Also consider the use of man- or animal-powered vehicles. Now is the time to oil that rusty bicycle chain.

  CHOOSE UNCONVENTIONAL ROUTES

  Whenever you're fleeing from alien pursuers, the most straightforward route is never the safest. Similarly, following a crowd of your neighbors is just asking for trouble. During an alien invasion, there will be no safety in numbers. In fact, quite the opposite will be true. Use the road less traveled. Minor country roads, forestry tracks, and even waterways offer greater chances of escaping unscathed. Remember, your goal is to isolate yourself from the mass of humanity as quickly as possible.

  GO TO GROUND

  Subterranean environments, such as caves and mining shafts, make ideal fortresses against invading aliens. They provide protection not only from being located, but also from “death rays” and other forms of alien weaponry. They can also act as a base from which to launch your guerrilla campaign against the alien invaders. Forays can be made above ground for food and other essentials.

  Those who have, for whatever reason, remained behind in the city can utilize underground drainage and sewage systems for shelter. Don't wait, however, until the invasion begins to try and locate these underground facilities (see “Familiarize Yourself With Local Infrastructure” on page 168).

  HOW TO OUTWIT ALIEN DEFENSE SHIELDS

  Apart from the Rosenberg incident in 1953, there have been few documented cases of humans coming in direct contact with “force fields” during alien encounters. Most of us would be familiar with the concept of alien defense shields from such notable science-fiction films as War of the Worlds, Independence Day, and the various reincarnations of Star Trek. Sometimes depicted as being electromagnetic in nature, these defensive shields typically form a protective and often invisible barrier around alien spacecraft that is impervious to all forms of conventional weaponry.

  As this technology has not, as yet, been developed on Earth (to our knowledge), it is impossible to provide a detailed analysis of how force fields work or comprehensive strategies for combating them. This should not preclude us from devising contingency plans for the situations in which we may encounter them, however. It's always better to be safe than sorry.

  Here are some points to remember:

  Attempts at penetration are futile. Force fields are, by their very nature, designed to be formidable obstacles in combat situations. There is little point in the average person trying to discover ways to penetrate them. That is a job best left for the military. We do not have the time or the resources to cross technological swords with our alien foes. We must rely solely on our wits.

  Attempt infiltration. Rather than trying to batter your way through a brick wall, simply walk around it. The easiest solutions are usually the best. While going through a force field may be well nigh impossible, sneaking around the edges of one is feasible. Use your imagination. Allow yourself to be captured and taken onboard, disguise yourself as an alien, and bypass alien security checkpoints. It may just work; it does in Hollywood. Your most important resource is your adaptability and your will to succeed.

  Strive for total sabotage. Getting onboard is only half the battle. You still need to disable the force field. This is a task in which you cannot afford to be too subtle. It is reasonable to assume that you do not know where the “off” button is, and will, therefore, need to take more drastic steps. The generators responsible for producing the force fields are never near the hull, so you will have to go deep inside the ship. You would probably not recognize a force field generator if you saw one, so the most prudent course of action is to destroy as much of the hardware you encounter as possible. How you do this will depend on the resources you have at your disposal and on your own ingenuity.

  Get out alive. You needn't worry about going down with the ship if you destroy the wrong machinery; those who are willing to sacrifice all for the good of humanity usually make it out alive at the last moment. It would, however, be worth your while to take careful note of your route while penetrating the maze of corridors in the inner sanctum. Your departure will be made in great haste with a horde of pissed off aliens in hot pursuit. The last thing you want under these circumstances is the inconvenience of having to stop and decide if you should take the passage to the left or the one to the right.

  HOW TO SURVIVE ALIEN DEATH RAYS

  Death rays are a type of directed energy weapon that have long been portrayed in science fiction. They have been known under a variety of names, including heat rays, ray guns, phasers, blasters, and laser guns. First described in H.G. Wells's 1898 book, The War of the Worlds, they have in recent years become the focus of military research and development. Although current prototypes are not to the stage of instantly vaporizing their targets, tactical lasers are showing great potential as a defense against enemy missile and artillery attacks.

  Alien death rays, however, are another story. This highly developed alien technology is a formidable weapon and should not be underestimated. Here are a few strategies that can be employed to reduce the chances of getting fried.

  Avoid the line of sight. Death rays travel in a straight line, which means that if you are not in an alien's direct line of sight, you cannot be hit. However, that is not to say that there is no danger of being struck from flying debris or shrapnel from nearby objects that are hit.

  Monitor your surroundings. Not being able to see an alien gunship doesn't necessarily mean that you are safe. Ray guns can be fired from incredible distances with pinpoint accuracy. Death rays travel at the speed of light, and once they are fired, you can be fried before you know what's going on. A general rule of thumb is to watch what's going on around you. If others are turning to dust before your eyes and buildings are exploding in flames around you, it's probably a good idea to run for cover.

  Seek appropriate shelter. Your best chance of surviving an attack from alien death rays is to seek immediate shelter. Some degree of discrimination must be demonstrated in what you choose to hide behind. Death rays are capable of slicing through most buildings, but the majority of a death ray's energy is dissipated on the surface of the object it hits. Therefore, if a ray hits the outer wall of a building, it must burn through that before it can hit an inner wall. Death rays have only limited ability to penetrate to any great depth through many solid materials unless the beam is concentrated on the one spot for an extended period. As this will rarely happen in the chaos of a combat situation, the safest shelters are the ones with the thickest barriers. If you must take temporary shelter behind less substantial barricades, you may sustain severe burns if you are in direct contact with a heat conductive material. There is also the danger that the material you are sheltering behind is combustible and may ignite under the intense heat of the death ray. If you're in an enclosed location, you must also consider the toxic fumes that may be given off by any such fire. Again, the best refuge during a death ray attack is underground.

  TREATING BURNS

  If aliens score a direct hit with a death ray, you're a goner, but there is a good chance that you could survive superficial burns and minor flesh wounds resulting from exposure to burning material close to the point of impact. This will, of course, depend on the nature and extent of the injuries and the availability of timely medical attention. Medical service may
be in limited supply or completely unavailable during an invasion, and any time lost seeking help will definitely impact your chances of safely getting to a remote location. Yet, leaving burns or other injuries untreated may result in life-threatening infections. It's a choice that can only be made when all the factors in a situation are fully considered, and that can't be done until after the event.

  HOW TO SPOT AN ALIEN REPLICANT

  Aliens may not necessarily adopt the dramatic “shock and awe” approach to an invasion. A subtler “thief in the night” type of technique is equally likely to be employed by our extraterrestrial foes. If science-fiction films have taught us anything, it is that one day we may awake to discover that our friends, family members, and neighbors have been replaced by sinister alien replicants. Hatched like seeds from a pod (and thus sometimes referred to as “pod people”), these duplicates are physically indistinguishable from their human counterparts. Possessing the ability to mimick our every move, they are ostensibly normal, but are secretly at work to replace the entire human race, one individual at a time. The following tips will not only help you avoid being replaced by a mindless clone, but may also prevent you from dating one.

  SEEK AND DESTROY THE PODS

  Pod people usually propagate and develop while their human victim sleeps. They pass through a number of grotesque metamorphic stages before finally hatching as a carbon copy of the original human. The original is killed and disposed of soon afterward by the replicant, often with the help of other pod people. Pods are generally hidden in inconspicuous locations — like basements, attics, and the bottoms of swimming pools — usually no more than one hundred feet away from their victims. These organic cocoons are the same size as their victims and consist of a semitranslucent, latex-like material that has been known to gently pulsate.

  Pod people are at their most vulnerable and are easily eliminated at the larval stage. Rupturing the pod or exposing the undeveloped replicant to direct sunlight is all that is usually required to kill it. Those with a more creative bent may use any variety of weapons to do the job, from common garden shed tools to homemade incendiary devices. Make sure you keep an eye out for other pod people, as they often guard the developing replicants. They pose far more of a threat to your safety, and they are significantly more difficult to decommission.

  TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

  How many times have you heard someone say, “He just doesn't seem like himself today,” or “I don't know what it is, but there's something different about him”? Gut reactions should never be ignored. If something seems strange or out of place, it's usually because there's something sinister afoot. You may not be the first to notice that someone is acting weird, but you will probably be the only one who knows that he or she is an alien imposter. Those who fail to act immediately do so at their own — and humanity's — peril.

  KNOW THE SIGNS

  Although pod people are physically identical to their human counterparts, they do bear a number of distinguishing characterisitics.

  Lack of Emotions

  Do your co-workers' faces remain expressionless after you've told them your best jokes? It may not be the poor quality of your humor that's to blame. Pod people are emotionless drones, devoid of personality and devoted to propogating their own kind. Check their “emotional reflexes” by doing something bizarre, unexpected, or inappropriate, like throwing a punch, screaming obscenities, or making a lewd pass, then watch their responses carefully.

  Monotone Voice

  Tedious speech patterns are not the sole domain of our political leaders. Pod people are incapable of speaking in anything but a flat, deadpan voice. Their voices are often stilted and lacking in intonation. If you think “boring delivery,” think “pod person.”

  Vacant Eyes

  We have all had the experience of awakening from a daydream to find ourselves unwittingly staring at somebody across the room. This experience is often unnerving for both parties. The average person blinks approximately ten times each minute. This can increase to as much as 150 times a minute when we are nervous or being untruthful. If the guy next to you in the train blinks anything less than two times a minute, start running.

  Lack of Social Skills

  Our daily interactions with others can be upredictable, complicated, and, at times, confusing. Humans are masters at the subtle variations in behavior required to survive in a wide variety of social situations. We intuitively take cues from our social context, adapting our actions to maintain the fine balance between being accepted or rejected by our peers. Although pod people absorb the conscious memories of their victims, they fail to gain the intuitive reflexes required to always respond appropriately to the nuances of complex social interactions. Watch out for anyone who stands a little bit too close, laughs a little bit too long or hard, doesn't swing her arms when she walks, or forgets to put clothes on before going to work. Telltale signs such as these may indicate that you are dealing with a pod person.

  UNHEEDED WARNINGS

  Don't be surprised when you alert authorities to humanity's impending doom and they do not take you seriously. You will probably be ignored or referred for psychiatric assessment. When you hear clinicians in white lab coats whispering things about delusional paranoia or mass hysteria, take it as a sign that your suspicions are correct. You know the drill. You must do whatever it takes to save humanity from the insidious scourge they are so loathe to acknowledge.

  POST-ABDUCTION SYNDROME

  Post-Abduction Syndrome is a condition, closely related to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, that affects people who have had an alien abduction experience. It is characterized by increased levels of anxiety, unexplained feelings of hopelessness and dread, avoidance of or emotional reactions to things that remind them of the incident, and repression of memories associated with the abduction.

  PARTING WORDS

  Humanity is no stranger to visitations from other worlds. We have been the focus of extraterrestrial scrutiny since the very dawn of time. The threat of alien abduction is as real as it ever has been. Yet now, for the first time in human history, we have an opportunity to turn the tide of oppression against our celestial nemesis and reclaim what is rightfully ours — planet Earth. It's time to unite, as a species, and take out the intergalactic trash.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  The knowledge you have gained from reading this manual has equipped you to join the growing throng of human resistance. You can feel confident that when you come face-to-face with these alien miscreants, you now have the necessary skills to defend both yourself and your family. Whether you are at the office, playing a round of golf, or on the way home from a turn through your local fast-food drive-thru, you can fend off an alien attack with both ruthless efficiency and panache.

  We must not, however, take victory for granted. We must never let down our guard. We must, at all times, be ready to swing into action. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. For, the battle will not be over until the last alien is neatly zipped into a body bag.

  Whether you want to believe it or not, the information in this book is true. How you respond to it is important. Your life and the future of humanity may depend on it.

  APPENDIX A

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF RESISTANCE

  CHAPTER SUMMARY

  The complete history of the encounters between aliens and humankind is beyond the scope of this book. Many stories are already well documented, while others have been lost to the ravages of time, or have been explained away by academics as the rantings of deranged minds. However, it is important to document previously unpublished accounts and instances where the insidious plans of our alien adversaries have been thwarted by both planned and inadvertent human actions. For it is by learning from the past that we can avoid repeating it. These are stories of human courage and ingenuity in the face of unexpected circumstances and often overwhelming odds. Even though the stories recorded here represent only a small portion of humanity's successful resistance, they serv
e as reminders to us all that we must be ready at any moment to face our alien nemesis.

  A.D. 106, ROME, ITALY

  In early September 2003, workmen renovating a long disused cellar in a rectory outside of Naples, Italy, unearthed a box containing a bundle of old manuscripts. Museum staff were called and soon pronounced that they had discovered the missing annals of the Roman historian Cornelius Tacitus. Among this priceless collection were a number of personal letters, including one from the author's cousin Markus Quintus Sentius, the private secretary of the prominent Roman senator Lucius Julius Turannius. One letter includes an account of the celebrations ordered by Emperor Trajan after the defeat of Dacia in A.D. 106. The festivities lasted 123 days, during which time ten thousand gladiators fought and eleven thousand animals were butchered.

  Dear Cousin,

  I accompanied the Senator to the colosseum today, where we viewed the animal exhibits prior to the day's performance. The caged animals from the provinces were most striking. Lions, bears, tigers, an elephant and giraffe, all destined for death in the arena. What captured my attention, though, was the display of oddities and freaks from Cyrenaica and Aegyptus. A calf with two heads, a man with an extra arm, and a giant of monstrous proportions. There was one wretched creature, wizened and deformed, hardly human. The public were kept at a distance from its enclosure and warned that it had magical powers that could render a man unconscious. I stood transfixed by its enormous eyes, until prompted to move on by a guard.