The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse

by Mumfrey, W. H.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  5

  INVASION

  We are waiting for the long-promised invasion. So are the fishes.

  —Winston Churchill

  CHAPTER SUMMARY

  When all hell breaks loose during an alien invasion, you will invariably find yourself in situations unenvisaged by even the most talented Hollywood screenwriters. We can only imagine the fiendish devises and cunning strategies that the aliens will employ to subdue the nations of the world. Yet, do not despair. The future of humanity will rest on your ability to keep a clear head and a single-minded resolve to prevail, no matter what the odds.

  In 1955, Gen. Douglas MacArthur is reputed to have said, “The nations of the world will have to unite, for the next war will be an interplanetary war. The nations of the earth must someday make a common front against attack by people from other planets.” While the threat of an alien invasion may not weigh too heavily on our minds as we go about our day-to-day business, there are many who believe that preparations for this conflict are now in their final stages and that an alien invasion is only a matter of time. Although no one knows when or how this invasion may occur, it is important that we are not caught unprepared.

  Preempting an attack from an adversary whose military capabilities we know nothing about may, at first, seem an overwhelming challenge, but we are not totally in the dark. We can draw inspiration from the wealth of experience provided by some of the world's most fertile imaginations who can conceive of and understand, far better than we, what we may be facing. For what is today's science fiction is often tomorrow's reality. However, this chapter must be premised with a warning: Unlike what has preceded in this book, what follows is mere conjecture. The advice given here is not based on real-life experiences or hard scientific and historical facts. So, it is important to remember that when the aliens do come, it may be in ways that we have not anticipated. You must be willing to adapt to new situations. Humanity will prevail on its wits, courage, and indomitable will to survive. We must never forget that, as Thomas Paine said, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”

  WHY WOULD ALIENS INVADE?

  Before considering how to best prepare for and survive an alien invasion, it would be prudent to consider why they would want to invade in the first place. The motivating forces behind any invasion will, to a large extent, determine the manner of execution of that invasion, with the resulting implications for humanity. Although many paths lead to Rome, each approaches from a different angle. A well-planned defensive strategy will take into account every possible variation of attack, as each presents its own unique set of challenges. The following is list of ten possible reasons why aliens may someday invade Earth. It is by no means definitive, but it can act as a general guide from which we may base further speculation.

  1. RESOURCES: Although rarely acknowledged, resource acquisition is one of the most common reasons for invading countries and, for that matter, planets that do not belong to you. If through ineptitude, greed, misadventure, or natural calamity the resources of your own country or planet have been depleted to uncomfortable levels, then all you have to do is take someone else's. This is nothing but simple playground bully logic. Our own species has a long and bloody history of subjugating the hapless inhabitants of less powerful nations for the acquisition of their resources. Whether they raid Earth for our minerals, water, or biota, be assured humans will be considered a hindrance to the primary goal and therefore, will be ultimately expendable.

  2. RESETTLEMENT: There are many reasons why aliens may be forced to leave their home planets, including persecution, war, natural disasters, overpopulation, terrorism, or depletion of natural resources. Just as our pilgrim fathers set forth toward a new world of opportunities, intergalactic refugees will also be on the lookout for hospitable new homes. As Earth is the most livable planet in this neck of the galactic woods, it would be an obvious target for resettlement. With an enviable climate, by interplanetary standards, and more resources than you can poke a stick at, our planet has a lot going for it. The only thing possibly interfering with a successful alien relocation program is a pesky infestation of Homo sapiens. That won't be a major problem. We all know how indigenous populations are usually dealt with in these situations.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  3. FOOD SOURCE: Shining like the proverbial golden arches in the unfriendly wastelands of deep space, Earth unwittingly sends an open invitation to all those in the galactic neighborhood to come and dine at our expense. Our planet offers the ravenous alien traveler a veritable smorgasbord of organic delights. With an unparalleled selection from a seething multitude of life-forms, Earth could become the most popular fast-food outlet in the solar system. So, whether it be to harvest the plant and animal life or to imbibe the juices of our own species, when they come, you better hide the knives and forks.

  4. FORCED LABOR: It is not outside the bounds of reason to suggest that aliens may wish to avail themselves of our rich potential as an unpaid labor source. We, as a species, possess many attributes that make us ideal workhorses for interstellar taskmasters. We are intelligent, quick to learn, readily adaptable to new environments, capable of great feats of brute strength (just look at the pyramids), and, above all, numerous and there for the taking. Just as we continue to exploit the services of so-called “lesser” species on the planet, aliens may find a multitude of disagreeable, mundane, or hazardous tasks within their own society to which, with a little bit of encouragement, we would be eminently suited. Indeed, slavery and various forms of bonded labor have been used by so-called “civilized” societies for millennia to advance the interests of dominant cultures. It is not a great leap to suggest that those who enslave may also one day be enslaved.

  5. REFUGE: Rogue military outfits and garden-variety criminals have an unfortunate habit of heading for the hills when their fiendish plots don't work out as planned. Aliens on the run from intergalactic law-enforcement agencies will be looking for a convenient hideout in a remote and inconspicuous part of the galactic neighborhood. Just as Fletcher Christian and his fellow mutineers aboard the British HMS Bounty chose isolated Pitcairn Island in the South Seas to hide from the wrath of the imperial powers, aliens who have fallen foul of the law may think all their Christmases have come at once when they set their eyes on our uncharted planet. Although Earth is inhabited by a few billion bipedal primates who are at a stage of development where they still think cell phones are a pretty neat idea, they're not likely to pose too much of a problem for a ruthless band of ray-gun-wielding cutthroats.

  6. PROSELYTISM: It would not be unreasonable to assume that religion, in more bizarre forms than we could possibly imagine, pervades the conscious cosmos. Fundamental to most forms of religion is the vehement belief that their particular understanding of the great unknown is right and everyone else's is wrong. This often forms the basis of a campaign to convert others to their own view of things. If this isn't successful, the unbeliever is shunned or ostracized. Some more primitive religions bypass these stages altogether and go straight for the extermination of the unbeliever.

  Throughout history, proselytism has also been used as a pretext for invading and plundering foreign countries. If the heathen don't accept our view of the universe, then they don't deserve the rich natural bounty our gods have provided for them. It's a simple matter of redistribution of wealth to those whose god has blessed them with the biggest guns or heat rays, as the case might be.

  There are no antagonists more fearsome or committed to their objectives than those who believe their actions are sanctioned by their gods. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a fist, wrapped in holy scripture, smashing a human face — forever. Let us hope alien invaders are atheists.

  7. PENAL SETTLEMENT: There's no better way of disposing of those undesirable elements in our society than to send them off to another country or, for that matter, another planet. Out of sight, out of mind, as the
saying goes. It worked well for the British Empire in the eighteenth century, so why wouldn't it work with a motley crew of alien miscreants as well? All you need to find is a suitable planet in the unfashionable backwaters of the galaxy and clear out the locals to make way for the first shipment. It couldn't be simpler.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  8. SPORT: On Earth, Homo sapiens have the dubious honor of being the only species that kills other sentient beings for entertainment. Spanish bullfights, duck shooting, and big-game hunting all testify to a perverse primal blood lust that we have yet to shake from our genetic heritage. Hunters will go to no end of trouble and expense to pop a few rounds into some hapless deer or antelope, lop off its head, stick it up on the living room wall, then stand there gloating over the pitiful carcasses, espousing their virility and triumph over the lesser creatures. We may not be alone in this desire for wanton, mindless carnage, though. At this very moment, on a planet in a not-too-distant star system, some redneck alien may be stowing the trusty laser blasters in the trunk of its flying saucer and checking its star map for the quickest route to Earth.

  Our planet may someday be one giant Homo sapiens theme park where intrepid intergalactic hunters don their silver spandex safari suits and prepare for a chest-thumping body count. We can only imagine the assortment of human body parts that may someday adorn an alien's living room walls as macabre trophies of his dominance over lesser life-forms.

  9. DIVING INTO THE GENE POOL: Scientists have long been aware of the important role that a wide ancestral gene pool plays in the hereditary health of a population. Having a large variety of mates to choose from provides the genetic diversity required by natural selection to reduce the number of mutations that weaken the long-term viability of a population. The concept of human-alien hybrid experimentation is not new to ufologists and may represent a last-ditch effort to introduce new vitality into an ailing alien population. When their experiments and breeding programs are complete, they may initiate an invasion to provide a home for their newly created legions of genetically modified half-breeds.

  10. SEXUAL ADVENTURE: Although it may seem a long way to come for cross-species liaisons, much talk has, over the years, been made of the sexual exploits of our intergalactic visitors. As we all know, primal sexual urges make creatures do crazy things. It is, by no means, impossible to imagine hormone-driven aliens cruising the planet on a Saturday night in their freshly waxed and polished flying saucers looking to sample some of the Earthly delights of our primate society. When it comes to the realm of sexual conquest, there are few boundaries. Aliens may gladly put our genetic difference aside in the pursuit of pleasures of the flesh.

  POINTS TO CONSIDER IN PREPARATION FOR AN ALIEN INVASION

  We can expect a full-scale alien invasion to be unexpected, swift, and merciless. Aliens know their stuff. They have been conducting surveillance operations on Earth for a long time. They are fully aware of our military capabilities and strategies. They will have the upper hand. They know our weak spots and will exploit them without hesitation. We will most likely be caught totally off guard in such a way that all may seem hopeless. Although civilization as we know it today may collapse, it is from this chaos that the seed of human ingenuity will sprout and we shall arise from the ashes as victors.

  Take these steps prior to an invasion so that you can worry less during an alien attack.

  SECURE ELECTRONIC DEVICES

  One of the most serious threats to a nation's ability to protect itself from alien invaders comes from the possible use of electromagnetic pulse weapons against our technological infrastructure. The devastating power of electromagnetic pulses was first observed during high-altitude nuclear weapons detonations during the Cold War era, and it has been a concern to military researchers for well over thirty years. Apart from the ability to instantly kill thousands of people, it was discovered that nuclear detonations also have the capacity to disrupt or destroy electronics systems. A single, high-intensity, broadband, short-duration burst of electromagnetic energy at an altitude of 300 miles could effectively bring the continental United States to its knees within moments, without any direct fatalities. These electromagnetic pulses, or EMPs, create power surges that have the ability to damage or destroy all unprotected electrical equipment, global communications networks, and even entire power grids.

  Although the military has preparations well under way for an EMP attack, civilian targets are largely unprotected and susceptible to widespread failure. Recovery from such an attack would take years, if not decades, even under the most ideal conditions. Although engineering protection into new products and structures may only add a few percent to the overall cost, hardening and retrofitting unprotected systems could be both difficult and expensive. The most effective method is to encase sensitive equipment in an electrically conductive enclosure, such as a Faraday cage, which prevents the pulse from accessing it. However, this method is not foolproof, as any lines that run into the equipment — such as power cords, antennas, and modem cables — can act as an entry point for an EMP power surge. These external connections must also be coated in wire mesh or some other conductive material. Although commercially available surge protectors may offer some degree of protection under low-intensity strikes, they must be used as part of a complete protective system to be effective.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  BURY YOUR VALUABLES

  When the aliens come, you will likely be forced to abandon your home. Any treasured family heirlooms or valuables are best buried as a precaution against looters. Choose a container that is made of non-biodegradable plastic and has a lid that is completely watertight. Remember to take careful note of its position in relation to local landmarks, as it may be some time before you can return to retrieve it, and at that point your neighborhood may no longer be recognizable.

  FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH LOCAL INFRASTRUCTURE

  If you are stuck in a city during an alien attack, you may be forced to hide out in sewers or subway tunnels (see “Go to Ground” on page 171). Get on the Internet now or visit your local government offices to obtain the relevant local subterranean maps. Memorize them; you may not have a map on you when the attack begins. Check the location and condition of manhole covers and other entry points in your neighborhood; practice finding them in the dark. Are they easy to remove? Do you need a crowbar or other specialized tools? Make sure you know alternative exit points as well as “safe zones” within the system that can be used to escape high storm-water levels. Be prepared for human competition for these sanctuaries; your neighbors may prove to be more of a threat to your safety than the aliens in these coveted locations.

  TIPS FOR SURVIVING AN INVASION

  We know it only takes a single blast from a heat ray to blow your home to kingdom come, so there is little point in boarding up the windows. Although some of the simple precautions here and in chapter 2 may prove effective against alien abductions, alien military attacks are a whole different ball game. Domestic, commercial, and industrial buildings will be a focus for their attacks. Basements may offer some degree of protection at the outset of an invasion, but your best defense is to leave your home, or any other dwelling, as soon as possible after the initial attack. Make sure you have all your provisions ready to go. A well-prepared survival kit will be essential and should include:

  supplies and tools to keep you warm against the elements (e.g., space blanket, raincoat, waterproof matches)

  enough freeze-dried food to last at least a week, a canteen, and a water filter

  a first-aid kit

  navigation equipment, including maps and a compass (remember, global positioning systems probably won't work)

  an MP3 player and ample spare batteries for each member of your party

  lightweight weapons (e.g., handgun, knife, machete), for when things get rough

  Pets may become valuable allies during an alien invasion. Their keen senses may alert you to the presence of extraterre
strials long before visual contact can be made. This must be weighed, of course, against the possibility that the family dog's barking may expose your position, thus making it easier for the aliens to track you.

  HEAD FOR THE HILLS

  The safest place to be during an alien invasion is away from major urban centers. The world's cities and towns will be the focus of an initial alien attack, followed by mop-up operations in smaller regional centers. The farther you are away from other people, the better. Head for isolated rural locations or wilderness areas. Back-country cabins and remote rural homesteads will provide sanctuary for a while, but also be prepared to evacuate these at a moment's notice. Expect competition from other refugees for accommodation. Your biggest threat, apart from the aliens, will be from desperate gun-toting brigands who will want to take advantage of your preparations. Avoid the fleeing masses as much as possible.